Kat M. Wilkins, LPC
@wilkins_kathryn
Followers
3,172
Following
2,162
Media
133
Statuses
4,790
Trauma & EMDR Counselor (FL & MO)🪴🇨🇦 Available for consultations & therapy intensives. Find my story on @faithuntangled starting w/ episode 30.
Orlando, FL
Joined August 2012
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
音楽の日
• 352752 Tweets
Carre
• 262065 Tweets
ダンスバトル
• 246007 Tweets
MUSE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY
• 163693 Tweets
#LaVeladaDelAñoIV
• 159510 Tweets
#DursunÖzbekTransferlerNerde
• 135450 Tweets
FAYEYOKO WATCH BLANK
• 114495 Tweets
La Cobra
• 103251 Tweets
#1YearWithSeven
• 92823 Tweets
Alana
• 91334 Tweets
GIANT POP STAR JUNGKOOK
• 88927 Tweets
Be Mine
• 79616 Tweets
#SixTONESANN
• 78505 Tweets
Bernabéu
• 71655 Tweets
Guanyar
• 52283 Tweets
Paulo Londra
• 46388 Tweets
Ibai
• 43728 Tweets
Agustín
• 41983 Tweets
Rivers
• 33985 Tweets
Onana
• 33797 Tweets
ATRI
• 28618 Tweets
Julieta Venegas
• 26852 Tweets
Young Miko
• 25979 Tweets
ROCKSTAR TAERAE DAY
• 18155 Tweets
Dr. Ruth
• 16576 Tweets
Erden Timur
• 15919 Tweets
Pogacar
• 15866 Tweets
İzmir
• 14390 Tweets
OUR FIRST SUMMER WITH JIYOON
• 12642 Tweets
#RSAvIRE
• 12318 Tweets
Luis Miguel
• 11548 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
3 years ago today my husband resigned from the church he was working at - his reason for resigning was that his boss, the lead pastor, was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. 7 weeks later they did a public vote to excommunicate us for “slander.” 1/
Many of you have experienced abuse – not only by individuals but also by churches and Christian institutions. I grieve with you – as does our God. Your obvious commitment to bring truth and light to places of deception and darkness strengthens my commitment to do the same.
10
48
323
26
42
509
If ppl u love are leaving ur church … & it appears they’re leaving quietly:
Ask leadership y they left.
Then ask them y they left.
If their answers don’t add up:
🚩 1/x
36
89
1K
Sr pastor who excommunicated us 6 mo ago told my husband as we left that when he was hired I was “THE red flag” and my new neighbor just told me: “you ARE a red flag… TO OPPRESSION.” 🚩
88
19
1K
Just remembered the time my husband was not hired at a church.
The pastor’s 3 reasons:
(After elder stalked our FB)
1. Photo of us at non-Christian concert
2. Photo of sky at rooftop bar
3. “There was a photo of your wife at the beach.”
@sheilagregoire
🚩(Dodged it)
82
25
1K
Still wondering why the “9 marks of a healthy church” aren’t LITERALLY THE NINE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT.
33
49
1K
“Hillsong is the last church that I will ever go to this side of heaven.”
“I don’t consider myself a Christian anymore.”
“I’m a really happy atheist.”
“It’s been 4 years now since I stepped in a church.”
(Quotes from
@hulu
#secretsofhillsong
)
1/x
36
69
723
When a person’s reaction to being spiritually abused is to:
Leave church
Leave the faith
Deconvert
Take a break from church
Re-evaluate & change theological beliefs
The very communities who abused them will say,
“See? They were never sincere anyway…” to justify the harm. 3/x
8
37
455
Spiritual abuse has real consequences: people no longer can step foot in places of worship.
I’m not debating whether or not ppl should retain faith in the church after abuse.
I’m not shaming anyone for leaving the faith.
2/x
1
15
373
1) When a narcissist leads a church/org/inst, the system becomes a "narcissistic system." This means that as the narcissist (N) relates in his sphere, there is an inter-dependent mutually-impacting dynamic that takes place...
40
63
351
My relationship with “church” is complicated:
but today I offered my pastor feedback & not only did he receive it, he also affirmed me & incorporated it into his next sermon. 1/
12
4
316
Be careful of assuming those ppl “didn’t leave the right way or else they would have been transparent.” Maybe they did tell elders.
It’s possible they are ppl of integrity. And the reason they left “quietly” is that they were afraid.
2/x
6
9
319
I could share lots of stories of my old church. Stories that aren’t mine to share. Instead I’ll pray for justice to roll down like mighty waters. 3/3
6
5
308
When you offer your presence with a person in pain
you are giving them a taste of Emmanuel (“God with us”)
and in that way God may be answering their cry:
“O come, O come, Emmanuel”
as He came in the form of a baby on a dark night long ago.
Happy first day of Advent.
5
36
289
Be cautious about how u perceive & judge spiritual abuse victims - trauma changes brain chemistry.
Healing brings things into perspective & shifts priorities.
Their shifting beliefs NEVER justify the harm done to them.
Grieve w those who grieve. 7/7
#churchtoo
#9markstoo
6
14
279
So much agony over 3 years. Spiritual abuse is a unique kind of trauma.
We’re free. We still ache. The past still hurts. We’ve done a lot of healing. We still long and pray for justice.
This app (the lovely ppl on it) was a part of the healing these last few years. 3/3 🌈🫶🏻
5
5
272
@glenndjones1
@colbywilkins
You know what validates the despise ppl already have for churches? When Christians stick their heads in the sand and deny the atrocities churches have committed for centuries and even today. I strongly believe that truth is always better than hiding. It’s also biblical.
3
1
265
If you’re an abuse survivor who wants to care for other abuse survivors, please do your own healing work. The risk of harming others from a traumatized state is high. Your pain deserves care & healing. *put your own oxygen mask before you assist others* 1/2
9
27
247
Gave therapist feedback about time I felt dismissed in session.
He apologized, owned it, & thanked me for my courage.
I was shaking & could barely breathe.
Him: “you’ve had experiences of telling someone how they’ve impacted you - & u were obliterated for it.”
🥺
5
7
208
This feels personal to me bc:
In our recovery, our views of things such as egalitarianism & polity have changed.
This will undoubtedly be used by our former faith communities to confirm that we were never one of them (that they were right to excommunicate us for “slander”). 4/x
1
1
207
After our abuse, the ppl who received us w love & welcome (when everyone else shunned or ignored us) were ppl who had different theological beliefs from ours.
Let me offer: it’s not only ok but RIGHT for this kind of experience to lead to a re-evaluating & change of beliefs. 5/x
1
1
201
Kelly Kapic (friend & author) told us early on:
it’s normal & healthy for new beliefs to arise as we surround ourselves with new community.
I’ll be honest: I long for ppl to know the Jesus we’ve come to know even more intimately as we heal from church abuse.
But… 6/x
2
1
196
Since then, so much information has come out to corroborate my husband’s claims (including this same pastor now having to leave 2 churches due to being problematic). We’ve heard from former elders and deacons who felt tricked into voting to excommunicate us. 2/
3
2
196
The Jesus I know
chose a woman
(an abuse victim)
a foreigner
lonely, tired,
to be the first person to so clearly hear his true identity (Messiah)
in a one-on-one
intimate
conversation over a drink (of water).
Tell me - is this the Jesus u hear about in your church?
6
30
189
Telling a pastor his colleague abused you is like:
Me: your friend stabbed me.
Him: (calm) surely he would interpret it differently.
M: (showing the bloody wound) he did this to me
H: (calm) must be harrowing for you.
M: *weeping*
H: (walks away to hang out w his buddy).
15
20
187
In abusive churches, victims are often punished for their trauma-response:
Shutting down
Becoming angry (fight)
Withdrawing (flight)
Leaving quietly
Leaving loudly
becomes labeled as sinful
& is used as another weapon against those who are most vulnerable
2
31
180
If our Lord is the kind of shepherd who chooses the oppressed, mourners, those who have been discarded & abused - who leaves the 99 to go after the 1 - it should also be true of the shepherds in our churches. 3/3
It shouldn’t be the exception.
#churchtoo
#sbctoo
#9markstoo
2
8
169
A thread I’ve been sitting on for months.
I believe a person’s abuse story is theirs to tell. But some victims of abuse are no longer with us to share theirs.
This is one of those stories:
There was a POC (let’s call him “Joe”) who was a member at our former church. 1/
17
14
160
I was excommunicated from my 9Marks SBC church
A thread/poem
It’s impossible to explain what happens in your soul
When people you trust to protect you
To shepherd you
To feed you
Call you
“Cruel”
“Evil”
“Unrepentant”
“Slanderous”
“A red flag” 1/
33
5
160
Here is the church,
Here is the steeple,
Open the door,
See all the
bodies.
7
18
153
The pastor who abused me & my husband never touched us - the abuse was spiritual/emotional/psychological. I have mixed emotions seeing the (right) outrage about sexual abuse in the SBC - while my abuser is likely in Anaheim & outraged about the sexual abuse too.
#SBCtoo
There are things I so wish people understood about what sexual abuse can do to an individual. Please know that I am not speaking for all or even most survivors here. I speak only for myself and some others who have shared their journeys with me through years of women’s ministry.
80
231
2K
12
8
153
But:
PASTORAL MALPRACTICE HAS LIFE AND DEATH CONSEQUENCES. 10/
2
6
150
spiritual abuse victims —
when did you learn to ignore the voice inside that said:
“this doesn’t feel right.”
“I’m not safe here.”
“This isn’t ok.”
for a lot of us, this started long before the *abuse event* took place.
23
10
143
How to use your power to shame women into staying with abusive husbands.
#churchtoo
What can a wife do if she finds herself married to a harsh man? Pray earnestly for him. Seek to win him with gentleness. Share the burden wisely with others. Distinguish sin from personality. Approach him with hope.
187
13
67
13
7
141
11) A narcissistic pastor may never have to tell his "loyalists" to protect him - they know, at a level beneath their conscious awareness, that this is their job. This makes it REALLY HARD for a complicit elder to see anything other than "I'm supporting this godly man."
3
9
139
If you have been harmed by a narcissist:
it’s not that there is something wrong with you.
It’s that you are full of goodness and beauty.
Narcissists prey on goodness and beauty - they devour humility & kindness.
10
13
134
The tears in my eyes right now tell a story: of a nervous system that is shocked that a pastor would value my thoughts & receive my input. 2/
1
0
130
I never made up my story
I won’t be bullied.
I will not be pressured to roll over & be quiet.
I will keep speaking truth (& I never publicly said the thing she’s referring to).
We repeatedly begged to have a trained mediator involved. Bullies only make me want to speak louder.
26
1
135
Breakup letter to SBC evangelical leader:
We were abused by a pastor you trained & sent into ministry w/ your blessing.
In our story, the damage has been done. Stop assuming that we need “emotional validation” from u by pleading our case now, 1 yr later. 1/
3
13
131
Elders told us they’d taken away our severance bc we were “actively working to disrupt the unity of the church.”
We LOVED that church & the people in it. & being faithful was our highest priority.
Doing the right thing shouldn’t cost you your church.
17
2
126
@ThabitiAnyabwil
@ostrachan
This makes me want to cry. Thabiti, your voice is one of the final baptist ones I trust. We’ve lost everything. & find Jesus to be so deeply near to us after leaving the SBC and
@9marks
(and getting farther from racism & misogyny) but it has not been without devastation & grief.
3
0
125
This is why I will not be silent. My love for Jesus & His church demands it.
#sbctoo
#churchtoo
#9markstoo
12/end
10
2
122
#churchtoo
#sbctoo
#9markstoo
If you’ve suffered spiritual trauma, I’d love to help you find local support: use the link in my profile to contact me!
7
2
123
4) A narcissist off-loads shame through blame, criticism, attack, domineering/controlling/manipulative & harsh behavior. All in order to protect himself from shame. This is why "projection" is common for Ns - the very things he critiques others for may be a flaw in himself.
3
3
120
The abusive pastor my husband used to work for said to us,
“if you think I might be abusive why don’t you ask my wife????
I now see that this was an ignorant question at best, and a manipulative abuse tactic at worst. It will almost always lead to plausible deniability…
1/
8
9
121
18) Let this thread be a lament. A prayer. A crying out for justice & a surrender of what I have no control of. All I have is Christ. I hold on to His words about Himself - He is gentle & meek. It is a comfort to me that the abuse done to me and others is NOT OF HIM. Amen
1
3
118
Tell Joe’s story.
Joe loved Jesus - & was, in his more lucid times, a sweet & kind man who happened to have severe Bipolar, some psychosis & certainly complex trauma. He was a veteran. He loved all things Japan & wax-seals on letters.
Tell Joe’s story. 11/
1
3
116
2) (For my purposes, narcissism describes the state where a person cannot tolerate or absorb shame - even healthy shame, such as the "prick" of having hurt a loved one, that would lead him to ask "what have I done?") - [credit to Chuck DeGroat & Adam Young here]
3
1
114
Since excommunicated by my abusive SBC (9marks) church:
I’m no longer regularly “confronted” thru my husband.
Your wife needs to BE LED
Your wife was the red flag 🚩
Your wife’s view of abortion/racism/etc
Your wife shouldn’t work as much
#sbctoo
#9markstoo
15
2
112
Jesus shows up OUTSIDE the church when the church doesn’t act like Him.
When our SBC church excommunicated us for telling an elder “lead pastor is domineering”:
They told church “it’s natural to want to weep w/ those who weep BUT we urge you NOT to reach out to Wilkins…”
1/x
13
7
111
The entire decade I spent in SBC-9Marks-Land I never heard charitable biblical discussion about women preaching bc the go-to shut-down of any intelligent discussion was “it’s the first step to losing the authority of Scripture.”
12
2
108
Some days I can barely function bc of the pain of what happened to me
@colbywilkins
at our old church. Other days I’m blown away by the way Jesus holds me through faithful Christians who believe me & ask how they can help. Thank you. ❤️🥺🙏🏻
14
2
102
9) For example: in a church where the elders work with a narcissistic lead pastor, the elders have learned to not only absorb the shame that the narcissist must off-load away from himself, but to protect him from it to begin with. What he cannot bear, they bear for him.
1
4
106
10) My point here is: in a narcissistic family system, the blame (or in Bowen Family Systems words, the "responsibility") lies not only with the narcissist, but with the men (or women) around him who proactively act as linebackers to cushion him from accountability.
2
1
105
One year ago on Father’s Day
the church we’d served for 3 yrs (my husband was associate p)
voted to excommunicate us
after elders warned church against contacting us (we were alone & scared & silent).
Our crime was “slander” bc we’d told an elder that lead p was domineering.
25
7
101
Your therapist should NOT:
Invite you to babysit/pet-sit
Buy you a drink after “graduating” therapy
Also be your housemate
Fly across the country to attend your wedding
Initiate romantic contact with you
If I hear stuff like this, I report the therapist to their state board.
13
4
100
12) Elders who learn how to navigate around a pastor's narcissism can't acknowledge or point out his mistakes (as would be healthy) - remember, the strategy of a N is to avoid shame - he cannot tolerate it. So, even minor criticisms will be felt by the elders as a brutal attack..
2
4
98
7) I don't know a person who has narcissistic traits that also doesn't have developmental trauma. Trauma begets trauma. (This doesn't mean we don't hold him fully responsible for his actions - but abusers need to be pastored too - just not at victim's expense)
2
1
96
Healing is a life-long journey, but if you want to be a wounded healer, you must first increase your ability to tolerate activation/triggers without perpetuating reactivity. It’s a process, but as you care for others, it’s crucial work. 2/2
5
3
92
5) (When the narcissist "projects," however, he is not capable of the self-reflection to be able to identify what he is doing -- that he is off-loading his own flaws onto those around him - this happens underneath his conscious awareness as a long-held protection strategy.)..
2
0
93
3) Because the narcissist is unable to take in shame & determine whether to absorb it or to cast it off (ie: "is this shame saying a truth about what harm I may have done?"), he must off-load that shame to those around him at all costs...
2
2
91
@DarylWi10408004
Agree. It can be tricky to spot tho. Our church “on paper” didn’t. But functionally did. It’s what has led to us changing our entire course of church polity/ecclesiology emphasis. Any polity system can be corrupt but some are more vulnerable. 😭
3
0
91
Joe died alone, rejected, & I believe, a victim of egregious spiritual abuse.
I don’t think it’s as simple as cause-and-effect (eg. A person doesn’t cause another to die by suicide).
9/
2
1
90
16) This thread is not exhaustive of course. But I've been pondering how in abusive churches, elders can say "wow this got blown up - the guy wasn't all that bad." When in reality, it's because without knowing so, they are playing a part in the abuse machine...
1
3
89
14) Thus, the mechanics of abuse will progress LONG after the narcissist may have stopped actively saying/doing harmful things: the machine can go on without him, bc the system already functions to protect the "Lord's anointed."
1
1
88
19) (Concepts taken from Bowen Family Systems and then digested in my chaotic brain & spilling out in these words). 🤷🏻♀️☺️🦄
14
0
88
13) When the narcissist is questioned or accused (even mildly), the elders' default is to kick in to whatever mode will serve to cushion the N from any shame. A statement that "lead pastor is not gentle" will elicit responses from elders as if the accusation is murder.
1
1
87
6) If the narcissist can keep the focus of attention on the victim (through deflection, denial, etc), then he is safe from the very feeling of shame that he is so terrified of. This fragility is why we sometimes see Ns struggle with depressive episodes of suicidal ideation.
1
0
86
Our bodies hold stories long after we’ve lived them.
I still tremble when I tell parts of my ⛪️ abuse exp.
It’s a holy remembrance:“a garden, sweat-blood, shaking, an agony that changed everything.”
Your pain matters. There is no timeline for grief.
Only
know you’re Beloved
2
4
85
17) So that in a way, they're right - the lead pastor wasn't a big scary abusive evil bully - the reality is that the narcissist played a SMALL but crucial part in the bigger abuse picture that THEY THEMSELVES are carrying out.
1
2
83
When all u wanted was to follow Jesus, who said His heart was
Gentle & lowly, a Lamb so unlike the Wolf who was shepherding you,
“I’m coming to You cuz I’m angry,
Coming to You cuz I’m guilty,
Coming to You cuz you’ve
promised to leave the flock for the one.”
@iamjonguerra
🐑
6
1
86
But not one of those pastors has reached out to us to even say “hey they didn’t handle that well” or “I’m so sorry that happened.”
It’s the parable of the Good Samaritan.
Jesus has strong feelings concerning ppl who “look the other way” to protect their comfort & system. 2/
1
3
79
I used to think my 9Marks abuse story was the exception.
Now I know it’s not.
I don’t q victims’ choice about whether to share publicly.
But how has
#9Marks
escaped the public coverage that other networks/churches have had?
I have thoughts but want to hear yours.
#9markstoo
12
7
81
Word has gotten to us that some of our former pastors heard about an abusive church in their system (where we were harmed) & tell ppl things like, “it wasn’t handled well,” or “I told the elders not to do that,” or “I’m concerned about that lead pastor…” 1/
5
6
75
15) This is why sending an abusive pastor to another church w/ a recommendation letter (w "he's had a hard year & maybe he has things to work on" as a mere footnote) might feel to these elders like just a bunch of emotional people upset at a good well-intentioned guy.
2
0
75
8) Back to the "narcissistic system." When the N has power in an environment where he's spent months or years off-loading all shame from himself to those around him, the people who find themselves in the N's orbit begin to operate around him in a lack of differentiation:
2
0
74
One of the most moving & stunning conversations about abuse (between
@KSPrior
&
@LoriAnneThomps2
). I was there in person at
#restore2022
& was changed by it. Listen here:
For years, Lori Anne Thompson (
@LoriAnneThomps2
) was not just the victim of clergy sexual abuse—but of
@RZIMhq
's worldwide campaign to smear her name
Today, her insights on truth, trauma, and advocacy—borne out of suffering—are profound and sobering
2
13
105
5
7
73
And then w/o ever reading your own words or hearing your own voice
The whole congregation votes to cast you
Out of the kingdom of God. 2/
3
2
73
If one of these men reached out to us today, it would mean e v e r y t h i n g. It’s never too late to have integrity. We are ready with open arms & tearful welcomes. We loved these men. 4/4
7
2
69
(this pastor’s been known to refuse to go to another mentally ill member’s home bc “he smells so bad it makes me gag” - not the only story like this I’ve heard).
Joe was one of only ppl who called Colby after we were excommunicated - calling to assure us that he loved us. 4/
2
0
67
Lead pastor (who Joe did not want as his pastor anymore) led his memorial service & (according to a number of witnesses) spent the eulogy patting his own elder team on the back for how well they “loved” Joe, even though it somehow was “never enough” to change Joe. 8/
1
0
65
We were bleeding on the road, naked, half-dead. The “robbers” were our own shepherd & elders.
We have walked away from systems we loved bc this was a functional abandonment when one of their own abused power. 3/
2
3
62
My abusive church:
-not about # s
-pastor was not “charismatic”
-no “platform” focus
-no “celebrity” pastor vibe
-not overtly misogynistic (women deacons, prayed/read Bible on stage, worked outside the home)
-seemed “balanced” in matters of conscience (eg. drinking)
#9markstoo
6
3
62
Running ✨away✨ from your church might be running ✨to✨ Jesus.
3
3
63
Here are 2 reasons asking bystanders if alleged abuser abused THEM is ignorant:
1. Even if he were abusing them, a symptoms of being abused is a I defend the abuser and deny any abuse has taken place.
2. Abusers don’t abuse everybody (bullies don’t bully everyone.)
2/
3
1
64
delayed byproducts of spiritual abuse/trauma:
-awkwardness w family still connected to the network/group
-losing friendships
-autoimmune issues
-dental damage (grinding teeth at night)
-chronic fatigue
-shredding your bedsheets (tossing & turning)
-PTSD
add to the list ❤️🩹🌱
13
3
61
To abuse survivors — those “anniversaries” (significant dates of your abuse timeline) are worth marking. Grieving. Longing for justice. Because you matter & should have been heard, protected, respected.
2
3
62
Mere weeks after we were excommunicated, Joe sent an email to lead pastor & multiple male church members (I’ve seen screenshots):
essentially he accused lead pastor of being “condescending, smug, & arrogant” and requested they resign his church membership. 5/
1
1
60
Allegedly, Joe was then convinced to go apologize to lead pastor. To my knowledge, they refused to honor his request to resign his membership.
Two months later, Joe was found dead in his apartment by apparent suicide. 7/
1
1
60
Church abuse survivors, I’m curious:
What happened when you went public with your story?
-bad
-good
-ugly
-surprising
-(& did you name the person/church/org when you went public?)
Share according to your comfort level. 🧡
#sbctoo
#churchtoo
31
3
58
Abusive leaders run away from accountability & receive a hero’s farewell as they take on new career opportunities. The brave few who asked questions & left are shunned and labeled gossips & slanderers. This is terrorizing. It’s also happening in churches all the time.
#churchtoo
7
7
57
For ppl combing thru my Twitter who is actually open to truth: ask anyone in our old church about the 12 adults (out of 110 member church) who left in the aftermath of what happened to us *bc of concerns with leadership - particularly lead pastor. It’s not “unsubstantiated.” 1/3
6
4
57
These kind of internal “investigations” only serve to further blame the victims and defend the abuser.
#churchtoo
#sbctoo
#9markstoo
3
1
58
All I hear is:
You don’t care.
You don’t effing care.
And while it’s confusing & painful - devastating, even, one thing is really clear to me:
That is not Jesus.
#sbctoo
#9markstoo
#churchtoo
9/
1
1
55
Do you get that if the “abuse” were obvious, this guy would never have had the position he had?
That abusers are brilliant & subtle & don’t abuse everyone?
Do u understand we had everything to lose & were terrified 2 reach out to u (bc we’d been silenced by the 1 in power)? 4/
1
1
55
Instead, deacon “replies-all” blaming Joe’s mental illness & his “probs w women” (he could be overly-friendly) as reason to disregard his concerns.
(this is mere 2 mo after we’d been excommunicated for “slander” & told our concerns about lead pastor were sinful & wrong. 6/
1
1
55
Joe was mentally ill & could at times be awkward interpersonally.
Lead pastor once scolded my husband & other elders saying “you spend too much time with Joe. He can’t be too dependent on you.” 3/
1
1
54