Vinay Menon
@vinaymenon
Followers
5,047
Following
365
Media
4
Statuses
568
Columnist at Toronto Star. Martini whisperer. For faster service, please send all taunts, hate mail, insults and death threats to vmenon @thestar .ca
Toronto
Joined February 2009
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I'm just glad people can't get fired for having really boring sex lives.
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Why I want to work for the smartest man in America. My cover letter to
@realDonaldTrump
:
http://t.co/4Av72Ufjx5
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A few thoughts on Jian Ghomeshi, the court of public opinion and crowdsourced justice:
http://t.co/YpsMcca4hM
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My interview with Selena Gomez and a glimpse inside the black hole of celebrity wrangling:
http://t.co/5PntZ6Hsn7
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Tks...Ombud? RT
@Ont_Ombudsman
: Here's
@vinaymenon
's clever column about
@BarbaraJWalters
' infatuation w/Mrs. Clooney
http://t.co/yCTItjd3nM
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You know what tastes really good with food court noodles? Sadness.
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And without danger pay. RT
@TorontoStar
: Could you listen to 24 hours of Nickelback?
@vinaymenon
takes the test
http://t.co/VN4hRCptUf
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In which
@petermansbridge
shows up in a sweatshirt and outlines his exit strategy:
http://t.co/OhXhNk8DDX
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“
@TorontoStar
:
@vinaymenon
compiles a guide to Toronto's hidden dangers according to Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti
http://t.co/erChyOLbcJ”
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“At least my 2-yr old doesn’t chain smoke” is the new “At least my 2-yr old doesn’t watch TV.”
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@alexbozikovic
@TorontoStar
Happy to have a public debate about journalism and profile writing, Alex. You can pick the time, place and ground rules (cc:
@WalmsleyGlobe
@SinclairGlobe
).
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Accidentally tipped a courier. He smiled and said, “I love your hat.” I fear our relationship has just changed.
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Anyone who doubts climate change needs to see my wife’s hair this morning.
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5 yr-old got out of bed, came downstairs, watched 30 seconds of Sun TV, then went back to bed without saying a word.
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You know you’re getting old when long weekend plans include the words “hammer” as a noun and “weed” as a verb.
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This speech reminds me of Obama’s acceptance in Chicago as re-imagined by an angry WWE villain at an outlet mall.
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One year after Rob Ford was elected, the city is overrun with protesters, book lovers, cyclists, gourmands and zombies.
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4
Worrying about toxic glasses while eating at McDonald’s is like worrying about losing a button while getting mauled by a bear.
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Since he’s the son she always wanted, I hope Dr. Sanjay Gupta remembered to call my mom today.
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I once watched Memento on a plane and the audio was garbled. This debate is harder to follow.
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Watching this victory speech it’s hard to believe “Thomas Mulcair” is an anagram for “Ultra Machismo."
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Does anybody else think it’s odd that Statistics Canada released data about mixed-race unions on Hitler’s birthday?
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The Queen looks as agile as a jungle cat when she’s walking beside Dalton McGuinty.
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@jenwilsonTO
I'll keep this in mind two years from now when you and Gentleman Friend are having a house-warming party... in Leslieville.
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Me: “It's going to be a scorcher today.” Elderly man outside ATM: “I don’t have any change.” Me: “No, I said it's hot.” Man: “Get a job!”
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Toronto soccer fans can now drink at 10 a.m. during World Cup. It sounds early until you ask Leafs fans what time they start drinking.
0
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I’m sending my resume to Uncle Ben. If he’s willing to call a product “Stuff’N’Such,” he’d probably let me go home early on Fridays.
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I understand the Lost finale. The show never happened. It was our test. We all died six years ago.
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If you pretend the geeks are cool kids, the social media gurus are jocks and the fake celebs are smokers, Twitter is just like high school.
0
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Guy ahead of me was almost dry-humping ATM to hide keypad. Dude, if I ever steal a password, my victim won’t be wearing acid washed jeans.
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Hey, guy driving BMW on Danforth: Your road rage would be more fearsome if you weren’t blasting the Goo Goo Dolls.
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I think it’s clear now: Stephen Harper plans to form a coalition with the Time Lords from Doctor Who.
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I’m showering when 3-yr-old wanders into bathroom, pulls back curtain and stares with silent horror. She’s just like her mother.
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If that’s how Rob Ford talks to 911 dispatchers, imagine what he says when there’s a mix-up at the drive-thru window.
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Anticipation for tonight’s Leaf game is now set between “Super Bowl” and “the time Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vault.”
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hmv Canada is launching a new rewards program today. You get points every time you meet someone who still buys CDs.
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This tweet has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit your goddamn new iPad. Touch it!
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Note to nanny applicants: While I’m intrigued, wife says no interviews will be granted if your email address includes “sexykitten69.”
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Tim Hudak loves Game of Thrones and The Smiths? Party leaders share their pop culture favourites:
http://t.co/UfMRvAdFrC
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It’s the NHL trade deadline. The day sports networks start like The Situation Room before slowly turning into The View.
0
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Have a seat, anarchists. Today, English football hooligans will show you how it’s done.
0
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For sale: 3 yr-old. Like new. Original hair and teeth. Answers only to “Nemo.” Refuses to eat Lucky Charms on St. Patrick’s Day.
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Oh, Toronto Police. How effective can “sound cannons” possibly be in a city that produced Rush and Platinum Blonde?
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2
I missed Sun TV’s coverage of Groundhog Day. Did the costumed midget from Environment Canada see his shadow?
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I'm thinking about starting a spring recycling business that turns old Leafs merchandise into Habs gear.
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Bob Costas to interview Jerry Sandusky tonight on a new NBC show called “To Profit From A Predator.”
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If Nickelback jumps out from Neil Young’s trench coat, I am moving to Mexico.
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My name is often mispronounced. Still, I was a little taken aback when Future Shop clerk glanced at my Visa and thanked, “Vagina.”
0
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Almost went to Starbucks. Suddenly feared anti-elite secret police. At 7-Eleven now. Coffee tastes like suffering but I feel safe.
0
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I just had a great idea for M Night Shyamalan’s next project: In a shocking twist ending, the movie doesn’t suck.
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This fake lake inside G20 media centre will make a stunning backdrop for Stephen Harper’s fake news conferences.
0
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Listening to two 4-yr-olds get very confused by that “Who Stole the Cookie” song. How do I cash out a college fund?
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Entered playroom unaware kids had made a “scarecrow” out of my blazer, an upturned mop and goblin mask. There is now urine in my pants.
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Too bad there’s no cool symbol that means “grandmother.” Prince could have used it as his new name.
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It’s 2010 and I work for a newspaper. This is not a hobo costume.
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Twitter turns 4 today. Since it launched, Stephen Harper has been in power and the Leafs have never made the playoffs. Conspiracy?
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Learned a valuable lesson about jogging and iPod’s random shuffle this morning. Chumbawamba will make you stop in your tracks with shame.
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If you get a spam-looking DM from me that says I’m 24 & horny, don’t delete. That’s really me.
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If your mother believes LOL means “lots of love,” don’t let her convey sad news to distant relatives via email. Trust me on this.
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Two questions: 1. Who created this ad for Dr. Scholl’s Skin Tag Remover? 2. How do I issue a fatwa?
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I swear to God. If relatives now start emailing me FarmVille updates, I will punch Mark Zuckerberg in the throat.
0
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Shortchanged at variety store. Nearly run down by distracted driver. Accosted by hobo. My city is back to normal!
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Goose-stepping, bondage, orgies. This new Lady Gaga video is like a night out with Jesse James and Rahim Jaffer.
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Almost read Esquire’s “An Owner’s Manual: Your Brain, Your Heart, Your Balls.” Then remembered I’m married and no longer the owner.
0
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If America truly cared about crime and punishment, Lindsay Lohan would be sentenced to 90 days in Walmart.
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The co-creator of Trivial Pursuit has died on Quit Facebook Day. This is going to make a great future question.
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Wife is wearing Crest White Strips and talking about the election. Or the Junos. Or geometry. I don’t know what she’s saying.
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“Luca Caputi” is the most phonetically pleasing name for an NHL player since “Hakan Loob.”
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Privacy rollbacks on Facebook. Security breaches on Twitter. We should all just pierce our genitals and join MySpace.
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Good on the NDP for showing Canadians what voting must be like in Afghanistan.
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If Firefox were a real person, I’d be slapping it across the face right now.
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Me: “Go Leafs Go! Go Leafs Go!” 4-yr-old: “Daddy, why are you crying?"
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Fact: If you rearrange the letters in “Mel Gibson” you can spell “Bong Slime.”
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Odd. Hours after Sony says it’ll no longer make cassette Walkman, Toronto elects a human megaphone as mayor.
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You know what would be a great superpower? Invisible napping.
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Cards, letters, calls, special offers. If Bell cared this much when I was a customer, I wouldn’t have left.
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Wait a minute. UPS will ship explosive materials from Al Qaeda in Yemen but I can’t send smokes to my aunt in Ohio?
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Al and Tipper Gore to separate after he could find no evidence of global warming in their bedroom.
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I admire anyone who goes door-to-door for charity. But if you're not selling boxes of chocolate almonds, this conversation is over.
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When you’re on hold for more than 15 minutes, “Thank you for your patience” sounds like a sarcastic taunt.
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Note to telemarketers: Telling me I should imagine air-quotes around certain words only amplifies my skepticism.
0
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@mattgallowaycbc
Willing to trade houses to try out west if you kick in your ties and pocket squares
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Looking forward to Sex & The City 2. Just saw the poster and had no idea it was a sci-fi film about four sassy mutants.
0
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@mattgallowaycbc
Thanks Matt! (As always, appreciate the trust and authority you lend to my nonsense.)
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In the election booth this evening, I wrote “REIMER” across my ballot.
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