Tracie Breaux
@traciebreaux
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Book writer. Dog petter. Mental Health/Child Abuse Awareness Advocate.
Louisiana
Joined January 2012
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Pinned Tweet
My friend is a pilot and I told him I was having a bad day and he told me to go outside at exactly 12:50 and look up
and, not gonna lie, my day got better
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said "little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?" and in her best batman voice she replied, "BLOOD AND BONES."
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My husband let the dog outside, watched out the window to make sure he was out of ear range then turned to me and whispered “I got him a new chew rope for Christmas.”
I hope to one day find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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My 4 yr old niece didn't even make it to the end of the The Little Mermaid before she said ALL OF THAT FOR A MAN? CAN WE JUST WATCH CARS AGAIN
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Someone asked me what I did this weekend like I’m some sort of mountain climber.
I’m 50 years old Conner, I was on a heating pad eating nachos.
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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The best time of the year for me is the week before Christmas when I close my bedroom door and shout DON’T COME IN HERE! and everyone just assumes I’m wrapping gifts instead of wanting to be left alone.
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
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My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat's name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat's name was Greg.
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Husband: I thought you were on a diet
Me: I am
Husband: You just ate 5 cookies
Me: Yes, but I wanted 10. Portion control is part of a DIET
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
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Aerial footage of Nick Cannon’s kids waiting to see Santa
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My husband extended his hand toward me and I took it and held it tightly like we were teenagers again. He looked deep into my eyes and said “I was reaching for the remote.”
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Me on my way to yell at my husband for being on his phone after I got bored of using mine
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My dog got a credit card offer in the mail. I’m about to ruin his credit.
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I once squirted a guy I was dating with water and he told me I was immature. The next guy I dated I did the same thing and he dragged a water hose in the kitchen and sprayed me. We cleaned the kitchen and 6 months later got married. LADIES MARRY THE FUN GUY THE OTHER GUY IS A DUD
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I'm 47 and I still don't know.
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When I was 12, my dad's mom who I barely knew mailed me some Mr. T posters for Christmas and my dad made me hang them in my room so as not to hurt her feelings and then made me write her a thank-you letter saying I PITY THE FOOL WHO TOUCHES MY POSTERS. I still think about that
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Husband: we got invited to 3 holiday parties
Me: yay people like us
Husband: are we going
Me: absolutely not
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that's where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
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Me: *buys a bottle of water and granola bar*
Kohl’s receipt: You saved $327 today
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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Sorry I’m late. I was scraping the clearance tag off your Christmas present.
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My 8 year old just screamed WE'LL HAVE THE USUAL at the McDonald's drive thru
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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I accidentally used my son's body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
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Me on my way to work knowing there is an 11 yr old YouTuber who makes $2 million a month
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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I’m not trying to be dramatic but having to get up out of bed every morning is ruining my life
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I "looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!"
Peaches is our dog.
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I feel like we've been saying "it can't get any worse" for at least 2 years now
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I was so proud when my 12 yr old told me maybe I should use my Twitter account to make the world a better place so I hugged him and looked him dead in the eye and said, "that's not my brand Andrew, now go back to playing fortnite."
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:
12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
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turns out i don't want a husband. i just want someone to feed me snacks and drive me to target. sorry for the confusion
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It’s that special time of year again where middle schoolers try to show us all up by not wearing jackets
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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Me whispering into my kale salad after eating a few bites: you better make me look like Miss Universe you gross bowl of cabbage garbage
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For Christmas, I didn't buy any presents for my kids. This year I wanted to teach them a valuable lesson so I sat them all down and explained to them what Christmas is really about, which is me finally getting the Land Rover I deserve. Sure, they cried, but lesson learned.
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Me: I haven't been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that's how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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My top 4 moments from 2022:
1.
2.
3.
4. My ex boyfriend waved to me from his Tesla as I walked home from Walmart carrying a plunger
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Rich people stay rich by living like they're broke.
Broke people stay broke by living like they're rich.
Life laughs at us.
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If you are single, picture what you think marriage is like. Wrong. You are both in Home Depot arguing over a light fixture.
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I don’t understand why men don’t carry purses. I mean, how do they carry their 50lbs of trash?
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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Stages of marriage:
1. Get married
2. WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD
3. Get divorced
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I like to send love notes in my husband's lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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am I beautiful? No. But do I make up for it with an amazing personality? Also no
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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I passed a couple holding hands while power walking and it gave me hope that one day I’d find that special someone to hate them with me.
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
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I keep a knife by my bed in case someone tries to break in with an uncut pie
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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I asked my neighbor's 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
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My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother's Day gift they bought me.
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An important message to aspiring tweeters: Two years ago I was a horrible tweeter full of self-doubt and feeling hopeless. Today, I'm still a horrible tweeter but fat now so you might need to buy bigger clothes.
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12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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My husband is a member of a warehouse to buy bulk items so I asked him to pick me up a few tubes of lip balm and this is what he came home with 😫
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I don’t understand people who are single. Who do they argue with at Home Depot about fixtures? Who do they yell at for not taking out the trash? WHO??
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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There's a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I'm not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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My 12 yr old just saw me on Twitter and asked me what level I'm on and I'm not sure what level this is, but no matter what I'm pretty sure it's still rock bottom.
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My therapist and I saw each other at the grocery store and pretended not to know each other. Next week’s session writes itself.
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It’s always exciting when my husband hangs the mistletoe then leads me to it so I can take a picture of him kissing the dog
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Sometimes I hide my husband's socks from him by putting them in his sock drawer
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every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: my husband bought me a salad instead of pizza
911: how is that—
Me: he needs an ambulance
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I had to ask 3 people to help me put this IKEA joke together.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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Prayers for my husband who texted back "k" when I said "Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!"
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Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds
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Please don't call me on my phone. I don't use it for talking to people
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Someone asked me what my plans are for the weekend like I'm some sort of mountain climber
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I begged my husband to go to a movie with me and he asked if it was a chick flick and I said no and then he asked if it had people killing each other and I said sure and halfway through the movie he asked when the killing would start. THE MOVIE WAS INSTANT FAMILY
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How to be an adult:
1. Avoid people you know in public
2. Say, “we need to get together!” if they see you
3. Do NOT get together
4. OF COURSE I WILL GO TO YOUR PARTY!
5. Don’t go
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Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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I didn't want to get into an argument with our neighbor so I subtly renamed our wifi "WHAT THE HELL, CRAIG? DON'T START CUTTING YOUR GRASS BEFORE 8:00 AM!"
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I saw my 4 yr old niece pretending to text on a toy phone so I picked up my phone and said, "can i call you?" and without hesitation or looking up at me she said "it's going straight to voicemail" and continued to text
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What part of "I need to stop spending all my money" don't I understand
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
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Years ago a blind date who was "between jobs" told me he liked his women thin (they couldn't be more than 5 lbs overweight) and I was "just under the weight requirements." I told him I liked my men employed and walked out.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted "tooth fairy" so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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