Dave Tickner
@tickerscricket
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Genuinely love how you can take a bloke who is better at hitting a ball with a tennis racket than anyone else in human history but ask him to do it with a cricket bat and he looks shitter than me.
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A whole tournament of just own goals and thunderbastards. Why has this never been attempted before?.
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I'm no fan of the WTC in its current shite format, but if it didn't exist then there's simply no way India bother to attempt what turned out to be one of the all-time great victories.
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The week in Spurs:.Thursday: Bantered off by paint dog.Friday: Piss away another lead.Sunday: Join rebel breakaway Super League.Monday: Sack manager.Tuesday: Leave rebel breakaway Super League.
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Can't stop thinking about this, about how brilliant it is, and about how wonderfully well it's worked. An absolutely top-drawer piece of alpha shithousery and every media outlet responding with "Classy touch ๐ ๐ ๐".
The way the Indian side have conducted themselves throughout this series has been exemplary ๐ . Ajinkya Rahane presented Nathan Lyon a signed shirt to celebrate 'Garry' reaching 100 Test's ๐. Class.
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Really starting to think England made an error by teaching Jaiswal to bat.
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Not in any way news, but Sehwag really was an absurd cricketer.
Fastest Test triple centuries, by balls faced:. 278 - Virender Sehwag vs SA, 2008.๐ฏ๐ญ๐ฌ - ๐๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ฟ๐ผ๐ผ๐ธ ๐๐ ๐ฃ๐๐, ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ฐ.355 - Wally Hammond vs NZ, 1933.362 - Matthew Hayden vs ZIM, 2003.364 - Virender Sehwag vs PAK, 2004
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"Do you think that's out?" from Broad after that dropped caught and bowled. This is utterly GLORIOUS.
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Turning point? I'll give you a turning point. South Africa before Jos Buttler called Vernon Philander a fucking knobhead: 237/7 in 126.3 overs.South Africa after Jos Buttler called Vernon Philander a fucking knobhead: 11/3 in 11.1 overs.
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Think we can all agree the clear highlight of all that was Jonathan Pearce describing this penalty as "blasts it almost straight down the middle."
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This does look quite bad, but at least he wasn't wearing a black armband.
The vision everyone's been waiting for. This is the series of events that's led to Tom Curran's four-game suspension.
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Last one of these and then bed. By February 6, Joe Root had already scored over 100 more Test runs than any other England player would manage in the whole of 2021.
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"No political statements," insists sport that just played its showpiece match at the Narendra Modi Stadium.
Usman Khawaja will push to wear Palestine solidarity shoes on Boxing Day, saying โThe ICC have told me I canโt wear my shoes because they believe its a political statement. I respect their decision, but I will fight it and seek to gain approval." #AUSvPAK.
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A number eight scoring a hundred on a pitch England fans and pundits have spent three days pissing and moaning about is objectively hilarious. Well done to all involved.
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Very much enjoyed those 10 minutes where we all convinced ourselves 250 was a competitive score.
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Said it before but the fact Shane Warne never got to see this England team is just increasingly heartbreaking.
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Where were these twats on the fifth evening at Edgbaston ffs.
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There are six players in Test history with more than 50 not outs. Courtney Walsh is second on the list with 61. Jimmy Anderson has 114. The Burnley Lara is the red-ink Bradman.
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Angelo Mathews should be dismissed without facing in every game for being a grown adult man with 69 on his back.
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Smith and Labuschagne, the two most horrible batters to watch in the entire world, both plumb and both given not out. DRS is so important.
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Watching that dismissal back, and I'm no expert but I think Young has a technical flaw to work on here.
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Dropping bowlers because the batting has been shit. Love this entirely new and fresh England approach.
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Surely not even the greatest cricket scriptwriters couldโve concocted a plot where such an unlikely hero spearheads one of the most miraculous victories in Test history. More for @FoxCricket. #BANvWI
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Real Madrid have a better cricket kit than the England Test team.
Ferland Mendy looks like heโs about to take 3/78 against Durham not play La Liga football ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
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Eoin Morgan is not a great commentator, but he is at least attempting to commentate on the match happening in front of him.
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"Who would have seen this at half-time?" asks Alan Smith. Every Spurs fan who has ever lived, for a start.
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Instantly one of the great cricket photos, this.
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Mad that Tom Hartley just did that, in India, on debut, after a first-innings mauling, but because he did it with 10 working toes it's only the second best seven-fer of the day.
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You really can blow the mind of the average Australian just by telling them cricket is occasionally played in countries other than Australia.
Former Australia coach Darren Lehmann believes Joe Root is a level below Virat Kohli as he is yet to make a hundred in Australia. Read here โก๏ธ
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"Weak as piss.". Better than winning the Ashes and I'm not even joking. Utter humiliation for the entire nation of Australia, this. Imagine deciding to have a pop at those two specifically and having no plan beyond "soil myself pitifully" for when they inevitably respond.
The Sydney Test has been marred by crowd abuse for the second year in a row, with England stars Ben Stokes and Jonny Bairstow reacting angrily after being sledged on Friday. Read the full story:
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When was the greatest era in cricket? . I think it was when we had players like:.Warne, Lee, Pigeon, Ponting, Hayden, Wasim, Waqar, Saeed Anwar, Aamir Sohail, Mushy, Sachin, Ganguly, Dravid, Srinath, Ranatunga, De Silva, Murali, Mahela, Kumar, Vaas, Fleming, Bond, Vettori, Astle,.
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Look, they're very impressive numbers, sure, but can Haaland truly be considered a great when he has zero Test hundreds in Australia?.
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Can we not all just agree that retiring him was a really shit idea and simply not do it?.
"The big thing for me is bowl well, get a win. that's what I'm trying to focus on to stop myself crying!". โค James Anderson ahead of his final Test ๐ฌ
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Literally every time Australia are in trouble this series England just gift them a route back in. Genuinely extraordinary.
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England: lol getting bowled out for 58 will be easily the most embarrassing thing any cricket team does this week. Australia: Hold my sandpaper. In your pants.
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Never judge a pitch until both teams have collapsed on it.
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Literally cannot think of a smaller series.
A MASSIVE series ahead ๐. They don't come much bigger. ๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ฅ๓ ฎ๓ ง๓ ฟ #ENGvAUS ๐ฆ๐บ | #EnglandCricket
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The joke's on West Indies really, because there's no way a 33-year-old Kemar Roach is making it to the next Ashes tour.
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Don't really understand how this is only Ravindra Jadeja's sixth Test 50 against England when in my head he definitely gets one literally every single time he bats against them?.
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These lads bloody love 100-ball cricket. But what else are they into? THREAD.
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Football Stats That Look Like Australian Cricket Scores, No. 1 In An Occasional Series.
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Smith presumably just assumed Bairstow hadn't caught it?.
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Just utter, utter, *utter* bollocks. Picking a Test side now with an eye on a series *four years away* isn't sensible forward planning, it's fucking madness. Joe Root will be 35 in four years' time - not many England batters still going at that age. Best drop him now as well.
๐ฃ๏ธ "If England want to go to Australia in four years time with a side that is capable of winning, they've got to start making decisions now". Former England cricketer and selector, Angus Fraser, talks to Sky Sports about the team changes ahead of the West Indies test ๐
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If the Met Office says it's raining and AccuWeather says it's dry until lunch it's not your job to quote them both. Your job is to look out the fucking window to see if Joel Wilson is wearing sunglasses.
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India.
What is the biggest reason the tour of India went wrong for England? ๐ค
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Mark Taylor captained Glenn McGrath in 40 Test matches. #TheLine.
Mark Taylor is not pleased with Mohammed Siraj's tendency to celebrappeal, calling it "disrespectful". But more serious for Siraj is the threat of sanctions for it in ICC's Code of Conduct ๐ฒ. READ:
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Easily the worst part about loving cricket so much are the near constant reminders that a lot of the very worst humans on earth also like it.
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Never seen a Test match before where absolutely everybody is rattled. Turns out it's great.
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If "saving Test cricket" involves any amount of "deliriously happy Australians" then is it worth it? Answer, sadly, must be no.
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25.51% of Tim Southee's 2164 Test runs have come in sixes. He's now sixth on the all-time Test six-hitting list with 92, having just gone past Sehwag.
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"I reckon the technology's fucked" is absolutely brilliant from Broad after replays show Smith missing the ball by miles.
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Swann for Butcher is a far, far, far worse change than picking all the seamers.
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Imagine winning one of the all-time great Test matches and still spending the next two days crying about Ollie Robinson being mean.
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With all the talk around Joe Root's captaincy and a lack of alternatives in the current setup, I do wonder if England will look at India's success and consider that a specialist captain who might not necessarily contribute much with the bat can still be a good option.
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I see no reason why Isa Guha can't commentate for the whole day.
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Literally all of them.
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"What's the one thing we've got lots and lots of?"."Wicketkeepers."."And what have you run out of?"."Wicketkeepers."
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However upset any England fan might be about that first ball, it's some consolation to know that Shane Warne is hurting far, far more.
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They've gone full men's Ashes tour. Never go full men's Ashes tour.
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Kohli went from 9000 to 10000 ODI runs in 11 innings, the fucking maniac.
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I like how England's white-ball reset was "completely revolutionise our entire approach and attitude to the format" and the red-ball reset was "pretty much just the same old shit but without two of the six leading wicket-takers of all time".
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Say what you like about whinging bloody Poms, but at least we usually have the common decency to wait until after we've collapsed embarrassingly on an Indian pitch before complaining that it's doctored.
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Tests should be six days, something I have always passionately and firmly believed since Saturday.
How many days should each Ashes Test be scheduled over.
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And the fact Carey throws it before Bairstow has even left his crease shows just how clever it was. He'd already clocked that Bairstow was habitually wandering off and waited for the moment to strike.
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If you think this is annoying just wait until England chip it repeatedly in the air to give him 5-47 with the ball.
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One thing preparing an impossible spinning disgrace of a pitch, but quite another to only make England bat on it while India get to use this absolute road. A step too far imvho.
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Just one of the all-timers. God bless Stokes' ongoing determination to give it new life on a fortnightly basis.
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Giving dirt cheap wickets to Lyon is definitely the worst thing about Bazball.
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Imagine hitting your second ball in Test cricket for six to bring up the 800.
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Philosophical conundrum: can you collapse to 800 all out?.
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Harsha, who has spent this entire commentary stint in abject misery, pointedly noting you can tell the match situation from Haydos' voice is very, very funny.
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Rohit made 91/1 off 20.1 overs. Need pitches that give the bowlers more assistance.
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"You appealing for that?" . Delighted to report Broad hasn't calmed down during the lunch break.
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Brook at his best really is the shots of Pietersen with the rhythm of Root. Canny of him to decide to just be a perfect mix of the best two England batters he'll have ever known. More people should do this.
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It was actually some former Australian players and the T-shirts said JUST STOP OLLIE.
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Serious questions to ask about why Pakistan have opted against simply batting on the same pitch England used, that was so flat you got meaningless double hundreds just for turning up.
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Clever from Stokes. Don't want to tip the Aussies off before unleashing mankadgeddon at Headingley.
Ben Stokes says he would have thought about the spirit of the game had he been in Pat Cummins position when Jonny Bairstow was dismissed. .
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Australia using all 10 of their wickets instead of just eight for no real reason? Cowards.
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Lads, I'm starting to think Yorkshire might have fucked this.
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There really is no atmosphere in sport quite like a packed Indian cricket stadium. Regulation stop at cover - limbs. Slog-sweep six - silence.
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Australia have to decide whether they actually want to play Test cricket anymore. Because it feels like theyโre wasting everyoneโs time. Including their own time.
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"This is courage at its absolute best.". It's a single to long-on, you enormous loon.
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So jealous of the people checking in for the first time seeing "New Zealand 82/1 at tea" and assuming there must have been more rain delays before discovering the hilarious truth.
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Genuinely no idea how Pope ever survives the first 10 balls of an innings.
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Pretty extraordinary that cricket has managed to come up with the funniest possible outcome to the last two men's 50-over World Cups being wins for England and Australia.
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Joe Root in 2021: 1708 runs @ 61. James Anderson in 2021: 39 wickets @ 21. England in 2021: P15 W4 D2 L9. Genuinely incredible effort from everyone else involved.
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There are many good banter stats that sum up this very silly, almost-good-but-actually-just-shit England team. My favourite is that this summer they have won every Test in which they've been bowled out for under 100 and none of the ones where they haven't.
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'England's record-breaker Harry Brook must bat at No 3 for the Ashes'. โ๏ธ @scyldberry. #TelegraphCricket.
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No idea who the next captain should be, really, other than they must not be Ben Stokes and their first act must be to go cap in hand to James Anderson. Mainly, just astonishing that England are always planning for the future yet when it arrives have literally zero viable options.
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Reckon Ollie Robinson is no more than 48 hours from really stirring things up by calling Bluey shit.
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Absolutely taking the piss to have three spinners this good and all of them capable of batting in the top eight.
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This list of most England Test centuries away from home is quite funny.
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Important point, this, given that as Head was steering Australia to victory the TV coverage was descending into an hour-long lament about the conditions being in Australia's favour. They made it sound like a straightforward win toss, win game but was it balls.
The guts to bowl first, with the risk it presented his captaincy/legacy if it backfiredโฆ Pat Cummins is a great leader.
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Bit worried about Brook, who has carelessly allowed his Test strike-rate (93) to dip below his Test average (95). Not very Bazball.
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