paul bassett davies
@thewritertype
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Writer in residence, at my house. NEW novel:
Green Brighton
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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As a taxpayer, I don’t mind paying £500,000 towards Liz Truss flying to Australia, it’s paying for the return ticket that I object to.
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Dear NRA people, Trump is right. Don’t come to London. It’s a bloodbath. Cannibal suffragettes roam the streets wielding scimitars. Newborn babies wage gang warfare. Even the knives have knives. You’ll be much happier staying at home and shooting each other.
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If Daily Mail reporters really want to find no-go areas in Britain, they should try trespassing on the land owned by their proprietor, Lord Rothermere, or any of the other 50% of the UK that’s privately owned by 1% of the population. Good luck with your picnic.
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If the removal of a racist's statue is a threat to your entire way of life that could be because you're:
a) a racist.
b) a pigeon.
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Racism online is unacceptable. Do it in a newspaper column, like the prime minister.
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I’ve sent in my letter of no confidence to Sir Graham Brady. I’m not an MP or anything, I just thought I’d join in.
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And then a small boy called out, "But the King is wearing no clothes!" He was immediately arrested by the Metropolitan police, and was prosecuted for disrupting the coronation celebrations. And that, children is how civil rights became a fairytale.
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A few thousand people on the streets of London today in a protest against vaccines while 150,000 ghosts walk silently among them, powerless to protest against being dead.
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If the removal of a racist's statue is a threat to your way of life, that could only be because you're:
a) a racist.
b) a pigeon.
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Two people from different households are permitted to meet, but only if those two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
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To be fair, John Cleese has as much right to express his opinion of London as any other elderly white millionaire living in the Caribbean.
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Please remember, the Daily Mail and Mail Online are totally different and separate organisations, like the Waffen SS and the Gestapo.
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The Queen is laying the groundwork for a major sickie to avoid meeting Trump. This is the subtle first stage, where you miss a day’s work. Then you return and heroically struggle on, plainly suffering. Finally everyone persuades you take some time off, exactly when you wanted to.
Buckingham Palace says the Queen is feeling "under the weather" and has decided not to attend a service at St Paul's Cathedral marking the 200th anniversary of the Order of St Michael and St George
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BBC tv political coverage today: all white, no one under 40, discussing 'young people' like bemused anthropologists.
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Boris Johnson will challenge Jacob Rees-Mogg for the Tory leadership. Somehow we’ve ended up living in an unpublished Dickens novel.
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So sad to see Lee Anderson stepping down as Tory deputy chairman after his long and heroic battle with logic, coherence, common humanity and the English language.
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The only royal interview I want to see is Prince Andrew’s interview with the FBI.
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Michael Gove and Sarah Vine. Two shits. Divorcing because of irreconcilable similarities.
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Sorry, when I yelled, "Get back to work, you scum, before my stock options tank even more,” what I of course intended to say was, "Many experts agree that long term economic damage may cause more fatalities than the virus itself, and the only answer is to reopen our businesses."
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I'm sorry if my tweets about Prince Philip have offended some monarchists. I intended to offend all of them.
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What is behind "sick note culture?" Why, oh why, are increasing numbers of Britain's workers unable to endure lives of meaningless toil to prop up an uncaring, parasitic system that bleeds them dry for the benefit of greedy billionaires? I guess we'll never know, Rishi.
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So shocked that Donald Trump turns out to be a criminal. It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it.
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"What did you do in the Culture Wars, grandad?"
"Absolutely nothing, lad."
"Why not?"
"Because it was a bunch of bullshit invented by entitled reactionaries whining about being victims whenever their privilege was challenged, like Laurence Fox."
“Who?"
"Exactly."
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I'd have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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Asking Boris Johnson to return as Tory leader is like inviting a burglar to revisit your house because they missed a few things the first time they broke in.
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I’d definitely go swimming more often if I didn’t have to get there, get undressed, get cold, get wet, get dry, get dressed and get home.
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Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it's been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
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The UN has fired Matt Hancock at the best possible moment to fire Matt Hancock, which is before Matt Hancock starts the job.
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"We’ve bought a second home in France then voted for Brexit by mistake."
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My dear friend and colleague Jeremy Hardy died early this morning. He was a wonderful, brilliant, and extraordinary man. The funniest person I’ve ever met and the finest friend I could have wished for.
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A timely reminder that Jacob Rees-Mogg, like Boris Johnson, is a vulgar, cynical bully posing as a gentleman toff, and Rees-Mogg’s double-breasted exhibitionism is as calculated as Johnson’s rumpled bonhomie, and equally toxic.
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Me: we should abolish the outmoded concept of royalty.
Harry: I will sue the living shit out of the gutter press, piss all over Piers Morgan, and call out this rotten British government.
Me: ok let’s not be too hasty.
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BREAKING: exit polls suggest that Reform UK voters have delivered a clear message in today’s elections by eating all the pencils.
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If the story about Trump and a porn star is true it could be very embarrassing. At some point that porn star will have to face her friends and colleagues.
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A Labour Party that won't commit to renationalising public utilities, raising taxes, or lifting kids out of poverty isn’t a Labour Party, it’s just a conversation in a Waitrose car park among people who'd vaguely like things to be better, but would prefer not to change anything.
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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It's Hug Your Cat Day. Or as cats call it, Humans Being Even More Weird and Needy Than Usual Day.
#hugyourcatday
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Of all the things that could have gone wrong as a consequence of Brexit, all of them have.
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John Bercow has thrown a spanner into the works of a machine now composed entirely of spanners.
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This remake of The Sound of Music looks like shit.
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Rupert Murdoch is better off without Jerry Hall. He'll be free to live his best life, doing what he enjoys most: basking in the sun, eating insects, and growing a new tail.
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Here’s a fun game:
1. Imagine the worst person a desperate Tory party could possibly choose as a new leader to replace Theresa May in a coup.
2. Check the news on Monday.
3. Congratulations, you’ve won.
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Huge congratulations to everyone who’s managed to get through the entire week without behaving like a reprehensible bell end. Commiserations to Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock and Priti Patel, who once again didn’t make the cut.
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So glad we took back control and gave it to some MPs from Northern Ireland who believe Satan wants to make them gay.
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I don’t think we should need a vaccine passport to go to the pub, but I do recommend a course of antibiotics for a visit to Wetherspoons.
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If you get mixed up between Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds, just remember that one of them is an impossibly youthful and handsome film star whose charm, wit and generosity seem entirely authentic and delightful, and so is the other one, the pair of utter bastards.
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Sure, sex is great, but have you tried marching into a shop and refusing to wear a face mask just to prove a point? No, me neither, but the people who derive such a big thrill from it obviously aren’t getting any sex.
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It’s the Chinese new year, and it’s Year of the Dog.
Is it a good year?
Is it?
Is it?
Yes it is!
Yes it is a good year!
Yes!
Yes it is!
*rubs year’s tummy, gives it treat*
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*starts watching Winter Olympics*
“Holy shit, these athletes are amazing! How do they do it!”
[twenty minutes later]
“Hmm, insufficient forward lean and a clear landing fault there."
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I don’t want to see Margaret Thatcher’s face on a £50 note for the same reason that I haven’t commissioned a portrait of the guy who burgled my house and left a turd in the living room.
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Congratulations to GB News, which is three years old! And like all three-year-olds, it talks nonsense, has fits of petulant rage, and shits itself on a regular basis.
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It says a lot about the Tories that Rory Stewart, a pretty standard Tory, is universally promoted to sainthood simply because he manages to remain coherent in an interview and avoids giving the impression of being an arrogant prick who’d happily burn down orphanages for money.
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How antisocial legislation works:
If you spray graffiti on a building you’ll be sent to prison. If you buy the building, evict its residents, triple the rent, hide the profits offshore and make a donation to the Tory party, you’ll be sent to the House of Lords.
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At 8pm tonight please stand on your doorstep and clap to get the boat unstuck.
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Every day, four adult human males must sacrifice all their hair to feed their leader’s insatiable wig habit.
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My thoughts are with plucky free speech warrior Laurence Fox as he faces the legal consequences of defaming people. Those thoughts are as follows:
1. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
2. *breathe*
3. Ha ha ha ha ha ha fucking ha.
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Can’t wait to discover if we’re fucked and it’s illegal, or we’re fucked but it’s completely legal.
#SupremeCourt
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Dear male Republican lawmakers, literally thousands of these beautiful pre-born babies are living in your testicles. If even one escapes without fertilising an egg, you will be murdering a living miracle. The only safe solution is to smash your testicles repeatedly with a hammer.
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We must secure our borders to ensure the England team don’t get back in.
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As a staunch champion of freedom of the press, and in view of Meghan Markle’s High Court victory, my thoughts today are with the Mail on Sunday. Those thoughts are:
a) Ha ha ha.
b) Fuck you.
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Not saying it’s hot on the London underground today but I’ve just seen Virgil leading Dante down the steps at Oxford Circus tube station.
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6.30pm:
Well, I guess these Christmas presents aren’t going to wrap themselves.
*starts drinking*
8.30pm:
Or ARE they?
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Always inspiring to see Londoners joining together in a crisis, united by their unshakable contempt for Katie Hopkins.
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Happy birthday Keith Richards, 76 today. That’s nearly 491 in human years.
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I wanted to write something about Jeremy Hardy, but not a reminiscence or an obituary, because those have been done by others, and done very well. So I wrote this:
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If you'd told me 30 years ago that in 2024 Feargal Sharkey and Carol Voderman are our most effective political activists, I'd have had questions for you. Like, how did you get here from the future? What do you mean, invest in Apple? The fruit? Wait, THAT Boris Johnson? Holy shit.
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To honour the sadly tarnished memory of Captain Tom, here's a new walking challenge, for rich people only, to raise funds for the NHS. Walk to your computer and pay your taxes. Elderly men shouldn't have to drag themselves up and down their garden for charity in the first place.
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Whoever buys the Wetherspoons pubs Tim Martin is selling will get an amazing bargain. They won't need to buy in any beer for the first six months if they squeeze out the carpets.
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Nobody gives a shit what Rishi Sunak said except for the word ELECTION. It's like we're dogs who hear "blah blah blah WALKIES blah blah." Thanks, now fuck off.
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There is in fact a strong link between race and intelligence, and it’s this: if you believe one race to be more intelligent than another, you’re a racist moron.
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Look, if we forced every man who ever abused a position of power to resign, everything would collapse. So, definitely worth a try.
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Thanks, Sunday Times, for the tedious list of billionaires in your rich list. Now do a feature on why the poorest 100 people in Britain are getting poorer.
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If you hate Jeremy Corbyn, you're probably not going to change your mind about that, but you now have a choice to hate Jeremy Corbyn under a Tory government or hate him under a Labour government. Your hatred is personal to you; the next government affects all of us. Vote Labour.
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Boris Johnson is in Scotland. It can’t be long before Scotland announces it’s pregnant and is awarded a suspicious IT contract.
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Give a man a fish, lightly poached, with a chilled Chablis and profiteroles for pudding. Don't try to teach him anything. Get over yourself.
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TV idea: Gove Island.
Michael Gove is taken to an island and told he's participating in a reality show and the other contestants will arrive soon. They don't. He's never heard of again.
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Voter ID? Okay, if the government wants me to prove who I am when I vote, I want them to prove who they are when they vote in parliament: full disclosure of who funds them, their financial and family interests, their shareholdings, directorships, associations and affiliations.
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Sunak claims his National Service plan would give young people a sense of pride in Britain. In the real world, however, young people are probably more likely to feel proud of a country that's not a basket case being looted by faceless hedge funds while it drowns in sewage.
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Don’t waste too much time wondering whether Johnson or Sunak will be the next prime minister. It’s like the ending of Thelma & Louise: you might not remember which one is driving, but you know for sure the car goes off the cliff.
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Kim and Kanye should choose a name for their new baby that reflects their hopes and dreams for the child's future. Maybe something like 'Publicity'.
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The difference between Caligula making his horse a consul and the government making Toby Young a universities advisor is that some people like horses.
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If white smoke comes out of the chimney of Downing Street they’ve elected a new PM. If the whole place is on fire it’s business as usual.
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It’s only repartee if it comes from the Repart region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling conversation.
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If you’ve not heard Enoch Powell’s ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech before, I can highly recommend not hearing it again.
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The problem with using Michael Gove as a human shield is that he doesn’t make a very convincing human.
#BBCr4Today
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Don't miss tonight's Tory leadership debate, in which candidates nobody likes will make promises nobody believes so they can become a prime minister nobody elected, leading a party nobody trusts.
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My thoughts are with plucky free speech warrior Laurence Fox as he faces the legal consequences of defaming people. Those thoughts are as follows:
1. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
2. *breathe*
3. Ha ha ha ha ha ha fucking ha.
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If the government wants me to show who I am with an ID when I vote, I want them to show who they are by declaring their financial interests and business connections every time they vote in parliament or speak in public. That's only fair, I feel.
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For the benefit of J. Clarkson:
"I'm sorry" = apology.
"I'm horrified you're all thick and easily offended" = not apology.
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A good way to spot mistakes you’ve made in any manuscript you submit is to read it slowly and carefully, with a clear head, immediately after you hit "send".
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To the angry deniers who will inevitably sneer today at Greta Thunberg, and ask why the world should follow the advice of a teenager, my reply is that as I scan the political horizon for signs of wisdom, compassion and courage, she’s the only exemplar visible. Have a nice day.
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I don’t envy the official who has to tell Kim Jong Un that he’s dead.
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Prince died eight years ago today. Rupert Murdoch is still alive. I’d like to speak to the manager, please.
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Is it a bridge? Yeah, it’s bridge, isn’t it. A big fucking fantasy bridge. Admit it.
Boris Johnson says he does have some ideas to solve the Northern Ireland backstop but he's not going to share them right now.
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I was stung by a wasp so I'm drinking whiskey as an antidote. It was a few years ago now, but you can't be too careful.
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If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s already articulating a better Brexit plan than the government.
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I hate the clocks going backwards and forwards. When I was young, we didn’t even have clocks. If we got hungry, we ate each other. We were poor, but we were happy. Good times. Not that we had time. It hadn’t been invented. We had to make our own time out of string and cholera.
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112 years ago tonight, the Titanic struck an iceberg, as a result of hubris, greed and denial. It wouldn’t happen now, of course, as all the icebergs seem to be melting. For the same reasons.
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