SHANtilly Lace
@theshantilly
Followers
30,326
Following
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243
Statuses
25,957
I am many things, but I am nothing without sarcasm.
Superman’s Kansas
Joined April 2009
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I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach my charger.
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Non-tweeting friend: "So it's like FB?"
Me: "Except everyone's mean & sarcastic & brutally honest."
"Sounds awf..."
"Awesome. I know."
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of
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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance...
The five stages of waking up.
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This may shock you, but there are women who are kick ass drivers, love sex, hate talking during movies & always say exactly what they mean.
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You guys are gonna miss me so bad if I ever get my priorities straight.
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After losing 100 lbs., I’ve maintained my goal weight for a year and a half and regained 13% kidney function 💪 Take care of yourselves ❤️
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10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900's?
Me: Go to your room.
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Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant.
Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.
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Him: "What should I pick up for the storm?"
Me: "Nachos."
"I meant essentials. We could be stranded."
"Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka."
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Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Being a girl means having the ability to stop another girl mid-sentence & tell her that her boobs look great without things getting weird.
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Wrong key, wrong key, wrong key, wrong key, wrong key, wrong key...
- Me trying to unlock my potential
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80 lbs down! This has been intense, and awful, and amazing, and ridiculously hard work... but I’m at a healthy BMI and cleared for transplantation. Funny thing is, my kidneys have stabilized some with the weight loss. So I may be able to hold out for those bionic kidneys yet 🤷♀️😂
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I still lay awake at night petrified that the rhythm is gonna get me.
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This may sound crazy, but sometimes I do things and don't tell the Internet.
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OMG I just looked EVERYWHERE for my phone & I was holding it.
I'm responsible for two small children.
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Me: "omg someone said the funniest thing"
Him: "who?"
"Just someone"
*stare*
"That I know"
*stare*
"...On Twitter"
"And there it is."
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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint & say, "Why? What did you hear?"
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I can't tell if I'm completely dissatisfied with my life or just hungry.
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My husband said that I am a terrible listener and a bunch of other stuff.
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Follow. Unfollow. Follow... Hey, I get it. I have mixed feelings about me too.
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10's homework question: "Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?"
His answer: "My mom."
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Every woman wants a man that will rap battle for her.
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Please don't ask me to explain myself. I'm not a rocket scientist.
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Friend: "I checked your FB page & you've been completely AWOL. So then I checked your Twitter page and... Jesus Christ, Shannon."
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It once took me 45 mins to take a selfie, so no, I will not FaceTime with you.
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Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
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9am: *eats a sensible breakfast*
12pm: *eats a slightly less sensible lunch*
3pm: *grazes on snacks intended for the kids*
6pm: *loses all sensibilities, eats an entire pizza, 47 hot wings, and a chocolate pie*
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Him: You're pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I'm sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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I’m severely disappointed in what 500 calories of pasta looks like.
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I'm pretty, but the likable kind of pretty that's accompanied by sarcasm & chronic low self-esteem.
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me "Where the hell are you?"
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Kidneys have totally given up. Organ failure is such a weird thing. Everything is kind of surreal as you feel your body shutting down... I’ll fight this shit with inappropriate humor as I’ve always done. Still, I would appreciate prayers, good vibes, kidneys jk, and dumb memes.
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Maybe the key to happiness is being okay with nobody understanding you.
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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Kidney failure sucks. For those of you going through shit, hurting, & feeling alone. You’re not. Don’t give up. We may not get to choose our challenges, but we get to choose how we deal. Focus on the good - like an amazing hair day in the middle of a shitstorm & just... breathe.
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Ever notice how the common cold can go from bronchitis to pneumonia to Black Death in less than 60-Google seconds?
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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Him: I thought you went grocery shopping.
Me: I did.
Him: You didn’t get cereal?
Me: I tried, but there were people down that aisle, so I left.
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15: I can’t wait until I am out of high school, have my own house, a job, and can do whatever I want whenever I want.
Me: *long pause* I have bad news...
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“I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation.”
- my dog every time someone comes to the door
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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"Well, these are the dumbest tweets I've ever read."
- Me drunk on Facebook
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Was going to start a support group for misunderstood users of sarcasm, but remembered that I have laundry in the dryer & lack compassion.
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I’m a grown ass woman and do what I want, unless my parents are around.
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I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
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Whenever someone annoys me, I just walk away far enough that I can squish their head between my fingers.
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If you can't laugh at yourself, then you miss out on a lot of jokes.
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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Found a double stuffed Oreo in a package of regular Oreos, and that’s probably the most exciting thing that’s happened to me during quarantine.
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"Yes, long time listener first time caller..."
- Me finally calling my mom back
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The best relationships happen when two people get each other's weird.
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I totally have compassion. It's just buried under multiple layers of sarcasm.
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I'm on that new diet where you replace 3 meals a day with coffee and crippling anxiety.
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Me alone: I’m so lonely.
Me around people: I hate people.
Me alone again: I’m soooo lonely.
Me around people again: Nope, can’t do it.
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Therapist: You're using avoidance as a coping mechanism.
Me: Have you seen Deadpool yet?
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be lost in a vortex of unproductiveness.
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88% of parenting is trying not to laugh while you're disciplining your kids.
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It's hard to tweet when you're in such a dark place...
No seriously, I can't see a damn thing in here.
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Saw an old man in a wheelchair with a cigarette dangling from his lips escaping from a nursing home & was like fuck yeah.
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I'm terrible at sexting. I'm like "Mmm what are you wearing? Oh the gray slacks? Well I hope you didn't wear them w/brown shoes again..."
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100 lbs down 🦾 Transplant eval went well. They said stop losing weight, so I can stay strong. I’ve never heard that before in my entire life 🤣 Eval was intense. I prefer denial. But soon I’ll be on a kidney list (hope) & able to screen potential living donors. Life is weird.
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It’s like guys aren’t willing to explore other dimensions & tear the fabric of space time & risk intergalactic war for a girl anymore.
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My heart is saying one thing. My head another. Fortunately, my stomach is chanting "Guacamole" louder than them both.
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Friend: How do you get over things so quickly?
Me: With nachos and a shockingly short attention span.
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Guy: *bench presses a bus*
Me: But can you empty a dishwasher?
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Him: You're a mass of contradictions.
Me: Yes and no.
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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"Time to get off the Xbox", "Turn that music down; you'll burst an eardrum", "No more sugar for you"...
Gah. My kids are such nags.
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It's like a law in my universe that we will be out of whatever sized Ziploc bag I need.
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I can tell by the way I react to stubbing my toe that I'd never survive torture.
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"Why are you doing this to me?"
- Me every time someone talks to me
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If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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Masturbation. Cuz unlike everyone else, I don’t disappoint me.
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I saw a disheveled mess of a girl in the store today. In a mirror. It was me. I’m the mess.
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I’m lonely. I need people. ABORT ABORT TOO MANY PEOPLE.
- Me all the damn time
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[puts 3 boxes of cold meds on the counter]
[pharmacist looks at me suspiciously]
Me: Don't worry. I'm not smart enough to make meth.
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I’m not lazy; I just legitimately don’t feel like doing anything ever.
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I always stupidly believe I can do anything, despite previous experience, lack of talent, and the laws of physics.
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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I was bred for social distancing. I already analyze all exit strategies when a stranger gets within 10 feet of me.
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You know what's attractive? Someone who actually DOES give a fuck.
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Apparently "Queen of the world" isn't a real job & now I need a new 5 year plan.
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Why do people worry about how they look in a bathing suit? Have they even been to a beach? It’s awesome. There’s people of all shapes and sizes with a fuck it, flaunt it attitude having a great time. Nobody gives a shit about your cellulite. Let go. Live a little.
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Can we just skip Valentine's Day this year? Haven't we all suffered enough?
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