Sam Slade
@theonlysamslade
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tv person. writer's pa @ Interview with the Vampire S3 on AMC. she/her 🌹
los angeles
Joined April 2013
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Beyond blessed to have been allowed in room for this season and SO excited for y’all to see what our brilliant writers have in store for you… 🧛♀️
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seen so many pregnancy announcements lately. and to think that’s what you sick fucks were doing while i was stuck playing jenga with my parents
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I want someone to look me in the eyes & offer a legitimate explanation 4 why The Cheesecake Factory has a vague stereotypical Egyptian theme
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Sometimes I forget how crazy catholic school often was. Then my sister reminds me.
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does his new gf go there
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i make-a da office memes
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Just met a kid whos name is Kale. Thats his given name. The name given to him at birth. 9 months pregnant. Hours in labor. Kale.
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Is this how they come up with shirt designs for Forever 21?
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In LA, we don’t say “I love you”, we say “There’s an accident on the 405, you should leave early” and I think that’s really beautiful
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Making my parents sign a legally binding contract stating they must report any compliments/comments they receive about me, to me, verbatim, within 2 hours of receipt.
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My favorite part of a friend's breakup is when they tell you all the fucked up shit the guy said when they were together but didn't tell you before because they wanted you to like him.
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Straight dudes are all about “everyone has preferences” when they are fetishizing women of color but lose their goddamn minds when a woman has the audacity to prefer tall men.
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I left my heart in San Francisco. I left a kidney in New York. A spleen in Chicago.... I don't fully understand how the black market works.
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Thank you for asking, Ryan. I’m actually wearing Kirkland for Costco
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i do not care about the “placebo effect”. anything that trick dumb baby brain into happy = 🤙🏼👌🏼👍🏼
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The birth of my future children will come second to the moment that I found out Lousiville Mock Trial advanced to semi finals.
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Photoshop open on my computer. Jameela Jamil kicks down my door
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Driving from SoCal to NorCal
🌲| | | | 🌳
| | | | _______________
🌳|🚘| | | | PEA |
| | | | | SOUP |
| | | | | ANDERSEN'S |
🌳| | | | |-————-—— |
| | | |
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Ya. I have entered the business of retweeting myself. It's what ya gotta do. Dont judge me! SELF PROMO IS EVERYTHING. WAKE UP! MARX IS DEAD
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I don't have any real proof of this but I'm confident that the rise in step sibling porn is a direct result of whatever the fuck this dynamic was
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dropped off lasagna 4 friends w/ 👶🏻. made one for me too but just discovered whole lasagne in my fridge meaning I accidentally delivered personal lasagne with 2 pieces missing & a fork loose in the pyrex
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Yo God. Quick q: By what age will my aesthetic be firmly defined???
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@abbygov
Gimme Gimme (Tax Cuts for the Rich) // I’m the GREATEST Star // Totally Fucked // Empty Chairs at Empty Cabinet Meetings // Anything Goes // To Life!... in Prison // Fake Your Way to the Top
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I am a gangsta only in the sense that I am filled with angst
(gANGSTa)
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Ill really miss LVHS'14. I dont think theres anyone who Id hide from if I ran into you at the store 6 years from now. Thats love in my book.
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Shoutout to the guy in my testing room who gave up half way through the SAT and took a nap. You're my hero.
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Mercury and I are both in retrograde and would request that you respect our privacy during this time.
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In TV when 2 ppl sleep together & don’t remember it, they wake up at the same time, look at each other & scream. FICTION! I HAVE NEVER WOKEN UP AT THE SAME TIME AS ANYONE MY ENTIRE LIFE! Sleepovers? Me staring @ the ceiling! Vacations? Family already left for bfast buffet!
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once i find a therapist who takes my insurance, offers the type of treatment i want, is accepting new clients, has openings that work with my schedule, specializes in my specific issues, and vibes with me generally, its over for y
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I love raw cane sugar because not only does it not sweeten my drink but I get a crunchy lil snack at the end.
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🎵Young man, there's no need to feel sad
I said, young man, it's that your brain is real bad
I said, young man, just 'cause the worlds burning down
There's no need to be unhappy
It's fun to be on an SSRI
It's fun to be on an SSRI 🎵
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"Do you intend to apply for our university's honors program (requires additional 7 essays" no. id rather fling myself into the sun.
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There's a girl on my floor who brings her phone into the stall with her and plays Maroon 5 aloud as she shits. Maybe it acts as a laxative?
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I truly love the brazenness of Trader Joe’s in knocking off other products. Swedish fish?? Fuck you
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i like to think i’d be a doctor if everything about me were different
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Fellas... is it gay to love fantasy football?! Fantasizing about men in your spare time?! Idk man, doesn’t add up.
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If you look back and feel good about how you looked at Prom, you're a friggin cop.
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Every time an email bounces back to me, I misread the return to sender address as "MAILER DEMON" and imagine a hideous monster on the other side of the server with a tennis racket just lobbing 'em back like "NICE TRY BITCH" "HA TRY THE POSTAL SERVICE NEXT TIME"
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My weight fluctuates a lot so I need somebody who will stick with me through thicc and thin.
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I need climate change scientists to be more exact with how long we've got left.
40 years? Cool maybe I'll start smoking cigarettes.
20 years? Nice never don't have to get old 😎
2 years? I'm getting a the cast of the Golden Girls tattooed across my bosom
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And with that, Louisville Mock Trial officially takes 4th in the state.
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i pay for 3 of my family’s streaming services like some kind of bread winner???
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its crazy we have to drink this earth juice (water) or we die
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My brother is a college freshman who told us his breakfast today was "coffee and a potato"
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if a bee sting kills someone, it’s technically a murder-suicide
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Female Character Whose Entirely Personality is Being Quiet Until She Suddenly Yells Over the Noise and Gets Everyone's Attention in a Loud Setting: "SHUT UP!!!!"
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Wearing jeans + sneakers to the airport and just bought Tums for my heart burn. I'M 54 AND DOING FINE.
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If his friend isn’t already dead, this like a mafia level threat
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Researching therapists and see one with a second-degree black belt in karate. Perfect. Need someone to tell me I'm being dumb and then kick my ass.
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My dads assistant, Candace, has a folder in Dropbox called “Scans for Candace” but he won’t let me rename it “CANDACE SCAN DIS” or “SCANDACE” so I guess yeah I would say I have daddy issues.
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rock music. thats it. thats the tweet.
Archaeologist Dr. Jean-Loup Ringot specialized in prehistoric music demonstrates a Lithophone. 🎵🎶🎵
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When Will I Learn to Never Put a Banana in My Backpack?: A Memoir
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If you think I’m gonna watch another Spiderman movie where Spiderman isn’t played by Donald Glover, you’re wrong.
#donaldgloverforspiderman
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Phew! 15 Female Authors You Were Spared From Reading In High School So You Could Have Time for Beowulf
#9daysofreductressrejectmas
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Ok I don’t understand why the OP posted “VIRGIN” in all caps. Would it have been any less awful if she had sex before? That sounds like some slut shamey bullshit to me.
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Lupita Nyong’o driving a bulletproof Lexus through the streets of South Korea barefoot is 2018 aspirations.
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@AlannaBennett
they have people come in to do beauty maintenance during their day off! they separate the boys/girls but they get to go the beach, watch a movie sometimes and they have someone come in to clean the villa
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When someone teases me about literally any element of my personality
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[Man breaks window and forces himself through the shattered glass into my home]: HELLO IM YOUR HELPFUL SOCAL HONDA DEALER
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Starting a Jewish femme improv troupe called Labia Menorah 🕎
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as a treat for you today i present a short clip of my mom using pup for strength training
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every time i eat a Toblerone and hit the nougat part im convinced i accidentally ate some of the foil
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I’m at a place in my life where I fully understand Kylie Jenner having a baby out of boredom and a need for life purpose
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I keep accidently picking up hobbies. I got into DIY, learned how 2 embroider, now Im on a site 4 amateur gardeners reading abt "soil humus"
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This world is prejudice against people who prefer mustard. We live in a ketchupnormative society.
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my time has come
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Me during the entirety of Star Wars: How's BB-8 doing? Is BB-8 okay? Who's taking care of BB-8?
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i know i'm awesome because guys always tell me that when they're breaking up with me
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@latimes
It is massively irresponsible for you guys to maintain the paywall for articles like this.
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Ya know the brief couple of seconds when u wake up & all is right w/ the world... Birds are chirping... U have forgotten about Donald Trump
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Never forget the time my entire dorm had to be emailed and asked to stop pooping in inappropriate places.
http://t.co/uH5fDUFAAD
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@DanaSchwartzzz
“Tracey, why are you so heavy??” “Because so much of me has died.” + “Where all the baby pigeons?” + “I already have a drink. Think he’ll buy me mozerella sticks?”
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"The On-Campus Housing Department says the only pets you can bring to the dorms are fish."
http://t.co/yi5a4K1AdJ
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