Started calling the middle of a loaf of bread “the king’s bread” and saying things like “a cheddar this fine demands the king’s bread!” This is just one of the many ways I have scraped joy out of a cold and unaccountable universe.

The algorithm has detected my interest in photos and videos of Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni. I have made no likes, created no bookmarks, but it knows the eye lingers.

NEW @nafmcpodcast w/ INGLORIOUS BASTERDS -hot honey hair -Missouri sober -hobo lifestyle -lil trousers -wait for the cream -au revoir shoshana -quiz, medals and ratings https://t.co/ybFmR9Uw9b https://t.co/wIxtDC7gog

I forgot they expand. God help me, I forgot the noodles expand.

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I'm a farmer and a chef

Keeping my Air Miles situation secret so I don’t have to question the authenticity of love when it finds me.

This is one of the best drugs I’ve tried and I tried most of the crazy ones.

Dear Mr. Lumet: Attached are my notes on the latest draft of the script. You’ll notice I’ve changed the title to “11 Angry Men” and introduced a new character named “Surfer Mike”. We cannot show him physically smoking marijuana, but there are ways this can be implied.

NEW @nafmcpodcast w/KILL BILL -bday wishes to shag and Nate -hail state -hittem with the mao -I didn’t bust the pipes -I just didn’t go -grippin and slippin -Kate wet blanket -gogo -quiz, medals and ratings https://t.co/ez3a3mg6t6 https://t.co/Ic3JAyyXDY

Waving at a bear because I feel like we’re spiritual equals but the bear knows the truth and prepares to return me to the wheel wiser.

NEW @nafmcpodcast w/ THE HATEFUL EIGHT -sharks and dolphins -pee bucket -romantics -jamiroquai floor -haberdashery -domergue -quiz, medals and ratings -don’t forget to follow and subscribe https://t.co/UoSWs03TCL https://t.co/9OEoNdo27s

Advertising is mostly bullshit but every now and then I do buy a cheese that brings my family together.

Telling people we met online because it’s embarrassing to admit that I scratched a series of ancient symbols into the sand and then poured some of my blood into the grooves, which summoned it from The Place Beyond.

Lying a lot about Erin Brockovich lately. Saying that she told me I was really tough, and that she said I might even be tougher than her. This is very hard for people to disprove, so they are inclined to accept it and move on.

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Just saw one of those metal dinosaurs that eats houses

Tchaikovsky's rivals having to begrudgingly admit that his new song really does sound like a sugar plum fairy dancing.

Lots of gasps during my testimony. Am I cooked?

In the right situation, calling someone "Mr. Grumpy" is more powerful than any slur.

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new episode of @nafmcpodcast is out now! spotify https://t.co/DSvJNkJTpy apple

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I hate this one country even though the only thing I know about them are their split squats.