Azeem Banatwalla
@TheBanat
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I tell jokes for money, your offence is free
Mumbai
Joined May 2009
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I'm going to say this now - if Ange or Klopp or Arteta had Bruno, Antony and Maguire as the back 3 against Liverpool - British media would be building them statues the next day. Give Ten Hag the respect he deserves. He showed balls and bottle, and we fucking deserved that
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Have it on very good authority that influencers are being approached to actively make reels saying Adani is best and Hindenburg is targeting India. Going rate is up to 5L a pop. So if you see ANYONE making pro-Adani reels, know that they're proper sellouts 🫠
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Who called it "having two deputy CMs" and not "Shared Powar"
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I hate the fucking Taliban with every bone in my body. Not least because they destroy the lives of countless civilians, but they also become the yardstick by which Muslims all over the world are subconsciously judged.
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I really don't get Rashford. He was on for 10 minutes and Bruno who's been on it all game was still pressing harder than him. Cannot overestimate how good Hojlund is at triggering the press. The goals will come, but he is so intelligent off the ball
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Petition to have Ashwin do Tim Paine's post match interview
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Prince Charles arriving at Buckingham for medicals. Personal terms agreed. Here we go soon.
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@FabrizioRomano
@JoeBiden
@CNN
Great signing. 4 year deal with an option for another 4 years. May need to pay $750 in add-ons
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Screamed to celebrate Hojlund goal and awoke wife at 3am. Price will be paid tomorrow. 1000% worth it.
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Dear
@premierleague
please schedule United matches early in the day so fans have time to cheer themselves up before going to bed
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Man those Jio Cinema 4K World Cup streams have spoilt me. Hotstar 1080p is making eyes bleed 😭
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BREAKING: Ambani makes midfielder signing priority after Liverpool takeover. Choice to be made between Jio Reyna and Jio Lo Celso.
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Mino Raiola has now come back from the dead more times than Pogba has put in a match winning performance for United.
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Just some casual xenophobia and rape threats. Standard movie promotion procedure 🥲
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Netflix can make an entire Drive to Survive season from just this race
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Why do all my favourite Indian opening batsmen turn out to be BJP IT Cell pawns 😭
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Me: I STAND WITH KUNAL KAMRA
Airhostess: Sir please be seated
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Hi
@timesofindia
Shubham Mishra is NOT a comedian. This headline is factually incorrect, damaging and degrading to our entire industry. Please have this corrected to YouTuber/professional car sitter/unemployed bigot or whatever occupation you prefer.
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From the moment that laudu Ajer celebrated that goal kick like he had won the match, I knew, 100% Brentford would not win. Basic football karma
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Fake encounters
Mob lynchings
History being erased
Minorities treated like sub-humans.
This is the reality of UP.
The man in charge there could well be in charge of the country one day.
What you reap, my friends, is what you sow. Don't say nobody warned you.
#DalitLivesMatter
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Insanity is KNOWING this United team has literally no ability to make a comeback, and sleeping now is absolutely the right decision- but still watching until the end because of two decades of Fergie Time conditioning. Sigh.
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Please stop spreading nonsense hysteria like "Azad Maidan is being turned into a detention centre". People are being kept inside because if they're outside, it'll disrupt traffic. Mumbai Police has been very supportive. Don't discredit the job they've done.
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Kaise din aa gaye hai, Adani load shedding ka announcement PM se kara raha hai
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So Katrina is marrying Vicky Kaushal. Proof, once again, that you can date all the fuckbois you like, but kaam toh engineer hi aata hai.
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Who knew Will Smith would turn out to be Hollywood's Sunil Pal
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You know you're getting older when you get more birthday wishes from mutual funds than mutual friends.
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INDIA coalition performance like Arsenal in EPL. No victory because if not Pep then who, but boys played well, trust the process 😂
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Modric is sheer magic. For every single 37 year old in world football, there's an inevitable excuse made - "lost a yard of pace", "can't keep up", "can't last 90 minutes"
Never for Modric. Absolute class in every department. Looked the freshest player at 120mins. Godlike.
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Really shocking to see
@one_by_two
behaving like this with journalists. Will be unfollowing. Received on WhatsApp.
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The bastard has knocked my team out 5 times now, but maanna padega. GOAT is GOAT
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The Coronavirus pandemic has changed my life.
I've gone from sitting at home doing nothing all day, to sitting at home doing nothing all day but with cleaner hands.
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Chup laude
Ronaldo’s interview has forced the Glazers to sell up. Incredible. 🔥🔥
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Now that's an India-Pakistan match for the ages. What absolute madness that last over was.
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Chalo Mandir ka scene sort ho gaya, ab batao - Metro kabhi banega?
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Man, Ten Hag is such a boss. Not even Ferguson would go away to elite teams in Europe with a team set up to play proper football. Should have won be a distance honestly. Shit finishing, stupid goals conceded and garbage refereeing as usual.
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Sitcom level conversation with real estate broker
Me: I'm interested in renting X property. My budget is Y. Married couple. We have cats.
Broker: Are you Muslim?
Me: Yes
Broker: Cats are okay. Muslim, will have to check.
😂🤷🏽♂️😭
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If you can spare some cash, please donate to Wikipedia today. It's an integral part of our life that we totally take for granted, and it's quite miraculous that there's no ads on it to date. They're really struggling, so help out if you can.
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What a terrible life for Kylian Mbappe. 23, earning 1.6 million a week, literally running the club. Getting stat padded by Messi and Neymar assists week in week out. Poor guy, must be torture for him at PSG. How will he survive this? 🥺
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They represent the ideas of a deluded 1% of the world's Muslims, but are responsible for 90% of the Islamophobia. Because they know, a world in which Muslims aren't being attacked is a world that they're not relevant in anymore. It's never about culture or religion. Just power.
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Sabitzer and Weghorst both proving their worth with key passes as well
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It's scamming home. Never a penalty. Dirty diving cheat
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Goddammit so obsessed with vaccination, just read Cavani as Covaxin
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I miss one game because of work and thats when United bring the A game. Excellent.
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Mbappe, Pogba, Ronaldo out. What will Instagram football fans do now 😭
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Credit to Harry fkn Maguire. Man's remained calm and looked genuinely happy for the team despite being dropped AF. Whatever you say, that's top professionalism.
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Stop going after students and pick on someone your own size, you Nazi scum
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Transfer of the season definitely Barca selling Atleti the La Liga title
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Seemed unthinkable a couple of months ago, but Arsenal finishing potentially 10+ points behind City is undoubtedly the ELITE bottle job of Premier League history. Unreal.
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Okay fuck all the skepticism. Now that it's actually happening I have goosebumps, bloody hell. Baba ghar aa gaye!
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This genuinely feels like the first time in a long time that the bad guys in the world have lost. Let's have more of that please.
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If your childhood photographs are available in 1080p, please fuck off
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Baba Siddique arriving at Carrington to sort out Ronaldo issues with advance iftaar party
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"Bigotry lost the election today"
"Nice. What did it lose to?"
"Incompetence"
"Just another day in Indian politics, then"
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I am emotionally overwhelmed right now, cannot even begin to describe. I am the most passionate of sport fans, and for the first time in a decade (since Fergie days and India winning the WC), I find the one who I'm supporting on top. Man I had forgotten what this feels like.
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Congratulations to Messi for winning South America Community Shield match against Brazil 🙌🏽
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Van de Beek had such a good game. So intelligent, rarely wasteful. And workrate all over the pitch. Hopefully Pogba's never getting back in this team
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"WE CONDEMN YOUR ACTIONS"
"Haan chal chal, apna kaam kar"
"OKAY BUT WE CONDEMN"
Global politics in a nutshell
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Was very excited to be offered a show in Belgium until I read the email correctly and found it it's in Belgaum.
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Ten Hag has paid the price for the sins of 10 years worth of managerial, recruitment and organizational failures. He thoroughly deserves this win. So does the team. And if the owners decide to sack him after all this, fuck them. We're stuck with them, but he deserves better.
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Give Jose a bunch of hard working, low ego players and he will almost always get you silverware.
#stillspecial
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Ronaldo trying so hard to get his contract terminated it's unreal 😂
ETH should keep him in the reserves for another 6 months for the lulz. Aur kar interview
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Condolences to Liveroool fans. We stand in solidarity with you.
One for all
And all 4-1
😂
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I get the feeling this Messi debacle ends with Bartomeu resigning, Koeman sacked within days/weeks of being hired, and Xavi being brought in as new manager.
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Night curfew for NYE. Now nobody has new year plans. WELCOME TO THE CLUB MOFOS
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Last night's final was the most beautiful advertisement for football
- incredible team play
- insane individual brilliance on both sides
- a fantastic comeback (×2)
- unbelievable defensive action and saves
- no acrimony - played in the greatest spirit.
- EMOTION
- Peter Drury
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I have a joke about Namaaz but I'll have to tell it 5 times (and still be called Hinduphobic)
I have a joke on Muslims but Hindus will think I’m in their team...
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Man, Mumbai is just unliveable right now. A new road is dug up every hour. One ways are flipped at the drop of a hat. That nonexistent metro that's being constructed for fucking ever. Add to that this goddamn heat. Genuinely the worst it's ever been.
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Ronaldo: You must respect me
Also Ronaldo: Wayne Rooney is ugly lolol
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36 years old. Wins the header defending a corner. Sprints up and taps it in at the other end 15 seconds later. What a legend
@Cristiano
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SBI has to be the only bank where even the OTP server takes a lunch break
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Well, this is why we stay up 😂
Insanity is KNOWING this United team has literally no ability to make a comeback, and sleeping now is absolutely the right decision- but still watching until the end because of two decades of Fergie Time conditioning. Sigh.
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Okay hang on, are MERCEDES FANS complaining about the FIA? Please yaar. I know you're used to winning everything but have some grace 🤣
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US election results taking so long to come out, it's like Mumbai University is conducting it.
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Good thing football worked out for Son. South Korea's military would be fucked if he was rolling around like a whiny bitch for a touch on the face.
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Amber Heard will always remember this as the day that she *almost* caught Captain Jack Sparrow
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Don't understand people rushing to Goa the moment there's lockdown. You can recreate Goa at home guys. Just switch off the AC, drink beer in the heat, and have someone turn off the wifi router every 5 minutes.
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Another excellent decision to prioritize work over watching United today 😇
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Hi IT cell. Please continue to attack me. In these hard times, providing employment to the needy is the least I can do 😇😂
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