Dylan Subiza
@theDYLANSUBIZA
Followers
281
Following
8K
Media
24
Statuses
494
guy whose favorite thing is saying “man, this is what it’s all about. ” but his life kinda sucks so he says that shit at game night or something and everyone is like “I guess”.
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(after being introduced to a guy that kinda looks and talks like me) . Yeah, Kev is cool I guess. i can’t put my finger on it but I wanna shoot him in the head.
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years ago, this airport security dude patted me down and i was like "at least buy me dinner first haha". And he did! Mitch took me to Buffalo Wild Wings and we laughed the night away. shout out mitch, i fucking love you dog.
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Asking to get choked Not cause I like the feeling but cause it’s a small price to pay for the real kink which is mansplaining jiu-jitsu.
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Dudes who take their shirts off for a fight. insane. You know what you can recover from? a black eye. You know what you can't recover from? Someone in the crowd saying "he has weird nipples".
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Big fan of deciding I have a little job at a party and taking my role way too seriously. Like seeing someone else telling people where the bathroom is and going up to them like “hey uh, just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”.
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I complained about balding around my phone once and now everytime I look at a screen they’re trying to sell me leather jackets and creatine.
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Her dreams: he’s cheating on me . My dreams: im talking to a giant owl and it sounds like her dad and I cheat.
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Getting real QR code tatted on my chest so when I go through that airport security scanner it pulls up the Burbank Hooters menu.
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thinking about magicians hanging out at a bar debating what the best all-time illusion is, then they ask the bad-boy, tortured-artist magician what he thinks and he says "the American dream" then he sips a piña colada cause he's still a magician.
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Thing about dating is when you call yourself dumb at first, they’re like “stop that, it’s just not true”, thinking it’s like a weird ruse to lower their expectations. Then one day they see you cover your ears and scream cause you saw triplets at Vons and they stop correcting you.
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If you can open a starburst with your teeth it means you’re good at smooching. If you can open a beer with your teeth it means she’s not coming home brother.
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doing that Christ Pratt holding the hand up to the dinosaur thing to calm down my uncle who is hearing raggeaton for the first time.
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Welp. Just took me 1min to do something I’ve been putting off for 5 years (sex w my wife).
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Love how Edm artists are always calling their songs “ I fell in love w the DJ” or “the DJ saved my life”. You don’t see Neil Diamond naming his shit “I heard Neil Diamond has a pretty big dick”.
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(intervention disguised as tarot card reading for cousin who is into the occult). Oh dear. according to the hangman of swords everyone here loves you and is worried.
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saying you need a cigarette, storming off, realizing you forgot your cigarettes, setting a 4 min timer to save face.
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(On the phone. Looking at 90 dollar voucher from a coinstar) baby, spin the globe and stop it with your finger. “We don’t have a globe” yeah and that changes today.
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we weren’t as educated about depression in the mid 2000s as the kids now. We just thought everyone who was tired had mono. Like damn who gave Carl mono? In a way, his father.
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* hands on hips after moving bed to different corner of room *. Dylan, you son of a bitch, you’re growing up.
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Sick of male friendship. Wish I could just tell the fellas about a petty fight I had with my gf and they’d be like “ugh ur too hot to put up with this shit” instead of having to say “the Croods low key rips lol” or “the croods. it’s good lol” and hope they fucking hear me.
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Buying your friend a bunch of scratchers for his bday and playing them all yourself cause you got furious at the thought of one of them hitting big.
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told young buck that being cool isnt about vespas, tats and fucking ppls wives, it's having the fortitude to be ur authentic self, always. we agreed that trying to live up to some ideal of "cool" was a form of cowardice. he thanked me teary eyed and agreed to stop fucking my wife.
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10 year anniversary of being life guard certified. Didn’t see action but bury me w the YMCA flag folded in a triangle, 12 whistle salute- the works.
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When you’re single, sucking 3 ketchup packets is lunch. When you have a gf, sucking 3 ketchup packets is a secret snack. Not cause it’s a lame attempt of clinging to your independence, but cause you went and got yourself addicted to sucking 3 ketchups, you fucking freak.
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Be broke for long enough and you’ll flip your position on stolen valor videos. Now, I’m on the faker’s side cause stop being a tattletale and let this guy finesse a discount at Denny’s.
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“From the twisted mind” reserved for directors making some scary bullshit. How bout from the twisted mind of Dylan 6 eggs for dinner.
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Low key liberating when your phone dies. Like losing all ur money at the casino. I’m free. I can go back to flexing a bicep at people and saying “now. let’s try that one more time?” Back to my life.
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35 year old guy with a god shaped hole in his heart: Euphoria is really going for it this season.
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Ppl who grow up in the city always fantasize about moving to a sleepy beach town to live out the rest of their days. Weak. Spread my ashes from the roof of the tallest dunkin’.
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Over the years I’ve watched dozens YouTube tutorials of tactical close quarters combat so if the queen even thinks about knighting me? Um yeah. she’s in for the disarming of her life.
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deadliest warrior: (guy stabs pig with a spartan spear) still think your green berets have a chance?. me at 11: holy fucking shit this is a toss up.
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I love wearing Hawaiian shirts but I sometimes worry that I'm appropriating divorce culture.
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I think old people reminisce about shit they didn’t even care about at the time just to say stuff. “Jakobi Revich had a great serve” .I don’t believe you.
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Bald and nothing to lose. I’m gonna buy a ticket to Turkey and finally punch that mean ice cream man.
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Every time I can’t get hard I try to snap out of it by thinking about the guy at Pompeii who got fossilized while jacking off. To keep trying while the lava engulfs you. The gumption.
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I don't mind playing shirts vs skins but my 1 stipulation is that the person who suggested it has to be shirts. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR TRANSFORMATION, BEN.
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wow. just found out a reflexologist is a glorified foot masseuse and not a guy in a lab coat saying "think fast" and throwing a baby at you.
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When u ask a hippie about bad trips they’re like “the last time I had one I was a bowling ball tumbling down an infinite staircase, but it was totally worth it!”. Bro u just described something so fucked it sounds something a Greek god does to you for stealing music or some shit.
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Pinocchio too pure to give modern reboot to. Nobody’s gonna watch a 2021 Giapetto 3D print a little boy and think “aw he just wants to be a dad 🥺”.
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when im not punching myself in the testicles cause i remembered something i texted a girl in 2014, im usually making fun of my friends for going to therapy.
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Ppl downplay the stealth merits of camo but idk man. I wore my camo tank top to a bbq in silverlake and literally no one talked to me so explain that one smartass.
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if you want a 185 pound meat missile naruto running straight for your chest might i recommend messing w me.
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Instead of the antiquated “a lady and 2 fellas”, a Devils threesome should be their genders don’t matter so long as it’s three 6’s.
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People who ride horses are like “I want a Vespa that’s sad in the winter”. Relax.
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caught up with a friend from highschool who i hadn't seen in years and he asked to see a wine list, so i reminded him that I once saw him shit his pants on a dare.
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Ppl to my friends who boringly started grad school: nice! . Ppl to me when I take an English class at community college cuz I forgot how to spell and use commas: good for you! I like your tattoo!. Im sure some of you are feeling pretty silly right about now.
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Rebel country music: I shot down my wife’s lover with a rusty pistol. Your homie who is going through a breakup: I’ve been getting really into rebel country music!.
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everyone was mad at me for screaming ew when my grandma called my friend a "capable young man", like that's not old lady speak for i'd suck him on sight if i was 27.
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if you are shy, the move is post up at the bar, start thinking about how the window is closing on being able to dunk and your expression will make everyone assume that you’re a tormented artist thinking smart,sad things. And that’s hot!.
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Why the F would I pay to go to a botanical garden when i can go to the Home Depot garden center and eavesdrop on 2 dads falling in love while exchanging tips For free.
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It’s all “Dylan’s an idiot for spending 100 dollars at the boardwalk souvenir stand” until it’s wintertime and you find yourself in need of postcards, XL T-shirts, and Kama sutra dice. Suddenly, there’s a one-stop-shop that you have to GROVEL to get into.
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Tonight I’m going to my first wedding since my Mom’s when I was a kid. Idk what to expect but I if I leave there with a stepdad I’m gonna be furious.
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Relationship text thread. - suffocate me to death w your ass (2:51 pm). - you ate all the feta??? (3pm).
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Can’t tell much about someone by how they’re dressed but you can tell everything about someone by how they’re dressed on a bike. Spandex = affluent health nut. Denim= DUI manslaughter.
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Monkey man more like punch man. Hope you weren’t stoked for monkey stuff. In a monkey media desert they put up a “fresh water here” sign and it was a Dasani bottle full of rubbing alcohol. Barely monkey business, Zero seeing then doing.
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charging up like Dragon Ball Z for 5 minutes to fuck your wife and busting immediately.
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standup is an art like dancing is an art. anyone can do it, your aunt is actually not bad, but when you see it done at the highest level. well even then it still kinda sucks.
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my bodybuilder friend, Rufus, told me that chewing gum would help with my double chin. Last time I ask how his family is doing.
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Holding a gigantic dildo w the boys like we’re taking a pic from a deep sea fishing trip.
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if your tweets dont get likes it just looks like you're publicly losing your mind.
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(Normal day, normal commute) looks like the fucking freaks are out.
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Important when you’re in express lane at the grocery store to loudly count other people’s items and then when you get removed, you yell: “Express Lane ?? Should be called Liar Boulevard!” Then security is like”what’s this about man” and you go”idk man my 1 friend is a doctor now”.
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Pissed on my notebook so my dog would know it’s my intellectual property.
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saw a girl with a beret make fun of a guy in a fedora. "yeah, cause you're a vision of good taste", I said. She stood there slack-jawed as I adjusted my 10 gallon and rode away in the sunset. Goddamn do I love the annual Pasadena hat convention.
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Normal person: this is delicious . Pervert who likes saying “mouthfeel”: and the mouthfeel!.
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White South Americans like to be like hi my name is Gertrude Himmler and as Latin x person.
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My estranged father called to tell me that the main character of the Wire is actually Baltimore.
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(Making a ship in a bottle). Fuck I need to put myself out there.
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In a punch-a-guy-on-the-first-day-of-prison style maneuver, I told my gfs fancy mid 30’s friends I’m thinking about signing up for a pottery class.
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I love those take a book leave a book cubbies on the street. I wonder if Faulkner knew he was writing a weapon for my 3am walk home.
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8pm friday night& my middle-aged roommate is practicing nunchucks in the living room with his shirt off. how good is YOUR home security?.
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Me: hey man, how you doing?! How’s the family? Plans for the holidays?. Uber driver:(nice enough to answers my questions). Me: ugh, looks like we got another chatty Kathy here.
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Gogurt, skateboarding, being white. The holy trinity of calling your mom a bitch 1 time when you were 12.
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its' a shame spicy is the only flavor your butthole can taste. I want to be able to take a shit and say "oh saffron, I missed that the first time".
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I prefer corn on the bob. That’s where you eat corn off of this guy bob. Like eating sushi off a model except instead of sushi it’s corn and instead of a model it’s this guy bob.
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they say parenting is hard but it depends on the age of the kid. i'd be a terrible parent to a 5y old for sure, but I could drive a depressed 24y old around town pointing at stuff & saying " they're gonna build condos there. just terrible" no problem.
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whether it's body language or literature, the Russians are hard to read.
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good thing i've been practicing counting backward from 10 all year after last year's embarrassing showing.
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Not even 2pm and I’m already at it. I think I might have a problem
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I like playing up how dumb I am so that everyone's hot take is "wow, Dylan pretends to be dumb but he's actually quite smart". pretty smart of me imo, cooking up a beautiful double bluff like that.
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if you shave your head for fun your bald friends will go full Ben Affleck in good will hunting on you and tell you "no offense but if in 6 months you don't have a full head of hair,ill fucking kill ya. ".
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tragedy+time= comedy milk+time=cheese.time= comedy-tragedy time= Cheese-milk.time= magic time= kraft singles. Kraft Singles= Magic.
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Gf- I'm tired of mothering you.Me- Jesus Christ you sound like my mother.
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The cruel irony of living in a garage is there’s no room for a car to slowly fill it with exhaust.
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Currently at the airport. This place is a goldmine for comedy.
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(as much Seinfeld voice as you can muster) Either you feel like a flop for losing the flip or you're flipping out from losing the flop. It's crazy I can't keep a pair together considering it's the NOISIEST SHOE on the market.
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