Terri Paella Piñata
@terrip38
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Caution: Jokes ahead
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Joined January 2010
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It's silly and serious. I mean, it's complicated. Life can be more than one thing, right?
No one's the joke. The situations are funny, but interesting too.
— Nathan Fielder
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Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
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Jessie’s Girl was released 43 years ago so if she’s still watching him with those eyes, she’s got readers on. I just know it.
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Somebody needs to break it to the people running meetings that for introverts ice breakers create more tension than they relieve.
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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A body in motion stays in motion but it first has to get off the couch. So there lies the problem. Still on the couch.
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I wish I had the confidence of 7yo me when the Sunday school teacher asked who knows what Lent is and I horshackly raised my hand to say the fuzzy stuff in the dryer filter.
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Sorry I’m late. I didn’t build enough time into the schedule for the shower door to fall off the track.
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The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester.
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Yeah I’m legally an adult but not a squeegee down the shower after using it adult.
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The difference between an Irish goodbye and an Italian goodbye is about half an hour.
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People who use the word vanilla as an insult never stood in front of their grocer’s freezer choosing between Vanilla, Vanilla Bean, Homemade Vanilla and French Vanilla.
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We’ve now reached the “track down the missing packages” portion of the holiday shopping season.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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I found a Werther’s in my pocket and now I have to buy a Medicare supplement plan.
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God please let me fall back asleep so I get enough sleep to stay awake until it’s time to go to sleep again.
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You want me to introduce myself AND come up with a fun fact? Isn’t the fact that I hate introducing myself fun enough?
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People are like… put it in your calendar so you get a reminder, it’s easy. And it is easy. But not as easy as ignoring reminders.
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The biggest problem with parallel parking is you usually have to do it in public.
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Welcome to middle age. Your high-functioning anxiety is now becoming low-functioning anxiety.
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Maybe the winner winner would like some vegan options.
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Hey chain restaurant thanks for the “we miss you” email but if you really missed me you wouldn’t have closed the one location in my 25-mile radius.
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I’ve never been to an escape room but I’ve successfully unsubscribed from some relentless emails.
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Never rule out the possibility that you haven’t yet caught your finger in a 3-ring binder for the last time.
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
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No need to wait until NYE to watch the ball drop. I drop the ball on the daily.
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Whoever said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results never had to reconnect a tv that lost its wifi connection.
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I pulled a pot used to cook couscous out of the dishwasher and sitting inside was a single cous.
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Driving across the US taught me that Jesus has a very big budget for billboards.
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Any task can be insurmountable with the right attitude.
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If I’ve learned anything from taking the last ornament off the tree it’s that it’s never the last ornament.
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A fair without funnel cake is a fair without fun ⁿᵉˡ ᶜᵃᵏᵉ.
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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If we’re ranking cheeses, Parmesan is one of the grates.
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How many frosted windshield mornings does it take to remember to put the ice scraper in the car? It’s not three.
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As you can see on my resume I have extensive experience in brief stints.
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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For someone who loves cookies I spend entirely too much time rejecting them.
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I see you autocorrect trying to wish my friend a Happy Rosh Hashbrown.
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Never mind AP Calc. What we really need is a class in health insurance math.
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My bff has gotten into the habit of tying everything to a Seinfeld quote. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
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Some parent somewhere just found a rotten banana left in their kid’s lunch box since June. Be kind.
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A house? In the middle of the street? That’s madness.
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I used to cry at Hallmark commercials. Now I cry at the price on the back of the cards.
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Home is where your phone doesn’t ask for the wifi password.
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It’s fair to say at any given moment 50% of welcome mats are lying.
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The 80s called. And it was collect from a pay phone.
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No, I haven’t won the lottery but I’ve been selected randomly on multiple occasions by TSA to have my hands swabbed at the gate.
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The growing pile of worn but not quite dirty clothes on the chair by the window… keeps the chair from getting sun bleached.
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There are several ways to tell if a wall is load-bearing. The most surefire one is to remove it.
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Welcome to middle age. Half the bugs you see fly by turn out to be floaters.
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I don’t often confuse the words polenta and placenta but when I do it’s while ordering at an Italian restaurant.
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If you’ve done the hand wave dance in front of an automated faucet for 15 seconds or more you may be entitled to compensation.
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Jump to conclusions? I’m an overthinker. I don’t even reach conclusions.
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Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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If you were subjected to an English teacher with an overzealous red pen you may be entitled to compensation.
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Sorry I’m late. I was trying to figure out which clocks changed automatically, which didn’t and is it the old 7am or the new 7am?
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Ngl whenever there’s a mystery charge from Amazon on the credit card I end up being the Prime suspect.
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Rather than fall into the materialism of Mother’s Day, give mom what she truly wants. Load the dishwasher the damn right way.
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Richard Scarry led me to believe there’d be more pickle vehicles on the road.
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Whoever coined the phrase a walk in the park never had toddlers.
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Sorry, can’t. Too busy chiseling the rock of brown sugar for a cookie recipe.
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There are two distinct approaches to parenting. The one before you have kids and the one after you have kids.
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After much deliberation I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an overthinker.
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I cut open a pomegranate and long story short the kitchen is a crime scene. Please send bail money.
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Thoughts and prayers for the parents waking up to an overnight snowfall and the discovery that the kids’ snow boots no longer fit.
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Do the people still sticking with their New Years diets know they can buy Spanx with their Kohl’s cash?
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Nice flex, October, whipping us back and forth between flip flop season and scarf season.
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Take the kids to the Grand Canyon so they can declare it a big hole in the ground and ask to go to McDonalds.
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I wasn’t high school cool but maybe if I start playing pickleball now I’ll be assisted living cool.
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Just once it would be nice to reheat lasagna and not get tricked into thinking it’s done by the glorious golden bubbles of dancing cheese.
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I’ve hit the age where any leap I take is a leap of faith.
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The ultimate Gen X challenge is trying to fry an egg without thinking about a brain or drugs.
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The urge to yell THEY STARTED IT when you have to park over the lines bc the car next to you did.
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@kristabellerina
My sympathies. At least you’ll have great stories for the reception when they receive some award for solving some big problem someday.
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Brain: I should be asleep now.
Also brain: Let’s read up on the life and career of Tippi Hedren.
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Don’t worry about me spilling the tea. Spilling the coffee, however, is a given especially when wearing a new top.
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A car depreciating as it’s driven off the lot except it’s my teeth during the first cup of coffee after a dental cleaning
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A house isn’t a home until something’s jammed in the junk drawer.
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My friend flunked out of chiropractic school after one semester. He had trouble adjusting.
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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The difference between pumpkin bread and banana bread is nobody has 3 rotten pumpkins taking up space in their freezer.
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Is it too late to get grades changed on the typing tests where points were taken off for not leaving two spaces after a period?
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What I lack in common sense I more than make up for in useless uncommon knowledge.
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Remembering a login password from a website you haven’t shopped since last Christmas is Claus for celebration.
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@ThatEricAlper
A wacky, red-headed housewife dying to be in show business gets into crazy situations that stir up easily-resolved trouble for herself, her bandleader husband and her BFF landlords. And she has an awesome retro wardrobe.
♥️
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Nobody should have to stick their hand in a toilet tank before 6am.
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I used to think the Thriller video was scary but then I grew up and realized that’s just how people look on Monday mornings.
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In an alternate universe Frosty the snowman is called McFlurry but he never comes to life bc the machine is broken.
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No Lisa from middle school, I will not copy and paste your Facebook post onto my wall. We’re Gen X. We’re supposed to know how to just say no.
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One day freeze tag is a fun childhood game, the next it’s a cosmetic procedure not covered by insurance.
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Who you are when the customer service chatbot offers no option close to your issue is the real you.
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This package is sold by weight not by volume. Please enjoy the copious amounts of cereal dust at the bottom.
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The word slaughter would be a lot funnier if it didn’t start with an s.
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I never know how big a container I’ll need for the leftovers but I do know it will be bigger than the one I choose.
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