sumaira shaikh
@sumairashaik
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Following
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|| Writer of Pushpavalli on Amazon Prime || Click on link below for Stand-up clips.
Joined May 2017
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All the boys giving us rape threats record the video sitting in a car kyunki ghar pe record kiya toh maap baap ko pata chal jaaega ki ghar pe beta nahi galti hua hai.
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Kitni bhi patriarchy karlo, ghar toh Naani ka hi hota hai, Naana ka nahi.
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Bodyguard we were not ready.
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Ek pardesi mera dil le gaya
Jaate jaate mithha
Mithha gham de gaya 🥺
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Received a call saying I am your father send money on this number. I forgot my wallet. I asked when is my birthday? The man gave me my brother’s birthday then yelled at me for wasting his time. He was my father 😇
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Ladko ke BAAP unhe bachpan mei HUG kardete, toh humien nahi jhelna padta unhe.
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Mei Pathaan ki success personally lekar party karne waali hoon.
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A Dating App only for introverts where they talk awkwardly, it's called Mumble!!!
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Have you ever added one extra "ha" to your haha because otherwise the person you are texting will just feel bad.
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Jisse karni hoti hai, woh pandemic mei bhi shaadi karte hai. Jisne pandemic ka bahana chipkaya aapko, woh kabhi nahi kar raha.
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All birds sleep early and wake up early. Birds toh successful nahi huwi aaj tak.
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Are people wearing apple watch while having sex to count how many calories were burnt?
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Agar hum unki shaadi mei nahi jayenge toh humaare yahaan kaun aayega - John Cena
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Earlier we knew a movie was a flop jab “Star Gold” pe jaldi aajaati thhi.
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A ghost story becomes double scary when the person who told you the story is dead.
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Thought for the day- School mei jo bachhe seedha refill se likhte thhe, unka kya huwa hoga life mei.
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Asli Cancel Culture toh cab drivers location jaane pe jo karte hai woh hai.
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When you make chai you make for everyone else as well. But coffee is a personal affair.
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I am so proud as a comic to announce that I am going to have a Stand-Up Special on a leading OTT that rhymes with Crime. I am touring from 25th of September. Please buy tickets❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
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After watching Jhonny Depp and Amber Heard’s trial, mujhe lag raha hai Mere parents ki shaadi itni buri bhi nahi hai.
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Puns are like your children. You only like the ones you make.
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We dont say naked we say “Nangu Pangu” and I think that’s beautiful.
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I just tried zooming in with my fingers on a real photograph. Good Night.
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Watched Atrangi Re and aisa laga ki only Dhanush knew that the camera was rolling.
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Due to the pandemic I have alcohol wipes, sanitiser, spray, masks, gloves. I can clean up a murder in under 5 minutes.
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Maa-Baap ne mujhe kutta paalne nahi diya. Abhi mei bachha naa karke, apni aulad paalne nahi doongi.
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Ab Elon Musk ne khareed liya hai toh kya tesla ki tarah twitter khud hi tweet kardega?
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Jo celebrate kar rahien hai unhe EID Mubarak. Jo aaj kaam kar rahien hai unhe EOD Mubarak.
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North pole aur south pole opposite hain toh fir dono jagah barf kyun hai???
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The best birthday gift to any adult is two days of SLEEP.
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People who die at the age of 99, they don’t care. But everyone else is like “Ek aur saal jee leta yaar, humaare OCD ke liye”
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Dad ke side ke cousins se social distancing bachpan se shuru hogayi thhi.
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I hate the service at this restaurant
Restaurant - But we have self service
I hate myself.
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Bournvita ka powder khaana insaan ka pehla nasha hota hai.
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Human body is the opposite of a water purifier. We put in clean water and put out dirty water.
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I like people who look at the sky and say “Aaj baarish hogi”
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I am willing to be on Big Boss just to fix my sleep cycle.
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The urge to write “Bhosdiwaale chup kar” on some people’s story is so strong.
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Bade hokar kya banoge? Bacche hamesha Astronaut kehte hai, kyunki even as kids we want to escape.
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I turned 27 today! Now if I sleep with older men no one will say “She is brainwashed”
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I just got fired over an email. This email could have been a meeting.
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Some people read all these books, but they don’t know how to read a room.
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Mere parents ka New Year’s Resolution hai “Meri Shaadi”
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My favourite dialogue of all time is “Aap party hai yaa broker”
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Nobody-
Moms- Ghar ka kaam karna bhi workout hota hai.
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Wordle khatam karne ke baad, ek khaali-pan sa mehsoos hota hai.
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Aaj koi tweet nahi mil raha jispe 200 likes aaye. Yehi waala like kardo na please 🤲🏼
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Mujhe pehle laga bahot logon ne ek saath firse Race movie dekh li set max pe.
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She is the vaccine.
102-year-old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu and cancer beats COVID-19 twice
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When you stop correcting typos on chat with someone. That’s when you know, you are really friends with them.
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The most used dialogue in Hindi movies I bet is "Tum haath muh dhokar aao, mein khaana lagaati hoon"
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You don’t eat chips because you are hungry. You eat chips because you want to kill some time.
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Brain- You should text your friend its been a while now.
Also Brain- They could have also texted, so DONT text.
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Meri maa ke hisaab se jo bhi mujhe nazar lagaa raha hai, woh please band karien . Humaare ghar ki mirchiyaan khatam ho rahi hai.
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You go for a run in the morning. Because at night it seems like you are running away from something.
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Me - Gummy Bear dena.
Shopkeeper- Hum toh Khushi Bear rakhte hai.
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Anushka Sharma bhi pregnant hai, aur yahaan humien text ka reply nahi aarahaa hai.
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The best thing about writing on paper is realizing you don't know how to spell.
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Me- fought with my mom today. Said sorry, everything is fine.
Me- fought with my dad today. Does anyone know any good houses in Mumbai? I am homeless now.
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Good friends- hey, long time no see.
Best friends- Are tu daal group pe message mei hahah likhti hoon.
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Most boys are not complan boys they are complain boys.
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Your profession does not protect you, your religion does not protect you, your clothes dont protect you, you getting home early does not protect you, you locking doors does not protect you. Because its not what you do, its THEM. THEY NEED TO STOP!
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In “ek villain” Disha Patani keeps saying “Murkha ahes ka? Almost like she is speaking to the audience.
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I am very glad I quit smoking. Because it is very embarrassing to say “Yes I smoke” when a doctor asks “Do you smoke?”
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I have hit 10k followers on Twitter. Aage jaake jitne bhi ho, aap sab jo pehle 10k ho woh sab amazing ho ❤️
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Do you sometimes hate a child. You cant explain why. You just do.
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Bachpan mei parents kehte thhe boarding school mei bhej denge. Bade hoke samjh aaya, humaare paas paise hi nahi thhe boarding school ke.
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If people stop being in a hurry to get married. People will have time to find someone they really love.
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Can Karan Johar call me and say “Hey Sumaira its me” to give me some closure.
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Ab Jawan ke liye party karoongi.
Mei Pathaan ki success personally lekar party karne waali hoon.
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Do tareeke ke log hote hai. Ek jo wordle karke sote hai. Ek jo uthke wordle karte hai.
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Passion follow karo yaar, news toh sab follow karte hai.
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Jo log diet ke liye chawal chhodte hai, unka bharosa kabhi nahi karna chahiye.
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Yeh budget parents bana rahien hai kya? Humesha sutte ka price kaise badh jata hai.
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Doctor blood lekar kehte hai, aap mei blood ki kammi hai. TOH WAAPIS DE SAALIEN.
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One day when you will commit a murder. That day you’ll thank your mother, for all the plastic bags she collected over the years.
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The way Imane Khelif is being shamed online proves that she is a woman.
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