Stuart Heritage
@stuheritage
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Following
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I write books for children and bald men
Joined March 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Attack of Aunty Enchanty, the second book in my O.D.D Squad series, is out one month from now. It's very funny and
@vbatignole
has illustrated the goddamned balls off every page of it. Preorder it here please
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I didn't platty jubes. I didn't statey funes. I will, however, genny lex
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Drives me nuts that this is just sitting there on Instagram and nobody is doing anything with it
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What if Coleen blocked everyone but you to see if you'd share a made-up story about Rebekah Vardy?
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The worst weather is Better Wear A Coat Today Lol Not Really It's Going To Be Boiling Later weather
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I cannot believe the fastidiously curated collection of students and academics and left-leaning journalists who I follow on Twitter wasn't an accurate representation of the nation's voting intentions
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IT HAS HAPPENED AGAIN. Thank you for continuing to be the weirdest part of my year
@TomCruise
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Slowly washing your hands while singing Happy Birthday to yourself is 100% the sort of thing that a haunted kid in a horror film would do
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Merry Christmas to everyone currently en route from London to their hometown, where they will spend four days swanning around like they're better than everyone else
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At this rate, Donald Trump is going to be greeted into the UK by a Post-It Note on a fridge that reads 'Help yourself to milk'
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My favourite thing about Cheddar Man is that he's just remembered he's having chips for tea tonight
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Supermarket multipacks are the only thing keeping the green pepper industry afloat
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Guys, there is at least a 50% chance that my local Harvester is Gregg Wallace's local Harvester. Guess I know where I'll be at 10:30 on Saturday morning
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What's the most objectively nice thing that you absolutely hate? I think mine might be public-use pianos in railway stations
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Annual reminder that the person responsible for including Eclairs in Miniature Heroes is an all-time absolute fucking nimrod
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This was quite tough to write. It's about my new baby, and my mum
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I have written an unnecessarily long breakdown of Angela Bassett Did The Thing, the most batshit part of last night's Baftas
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One day I'm going to invent a hotel booking website that tells you how many plug sockets are in the room and their exact location, and I will instantly become a billionaire
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If Pizza Express closes my children will starve to death
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Show me a person who doesn't get bored 45 seconds into a firework display and I'll show you a psychopath
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I don't feel powerful because I voted. I feel powerful because my polling station is in a primary school, and I did a poo in a child-sized toilet, and now I feel like a massive giant.
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You're all sitting in parks drinking gin, but here's something I've written about how my dad is coping
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Very hard to trust people who fondly remember school isn't it
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I think I can feel Addison Lee's erection digging into my back
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The final season of The Crown is going to absolutely berserk
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Happy Delete Loads Of Fucking Emails From Companies You Bought One Thing From Six Years Ago Friday, everyone
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I don't understand how every single person on the internet looks better in 2019 than they did in 2009
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Reminder to those going home for Christmas: your parents are trying their hardest, and your ironic tweets about their house and customs are breaking their hearts.
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Something I've learned from not being on Twitter much: whenever someone who is on Twitter tells someone who isn't on Twitter about something that happened on Twitter, they sound absolutely fucking nuts
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I'm still waiting to show my National Record of Achievement to a potential employer
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Notice: I will unfollow any kid-free motherfucker who boasts about getting an extra hour in bed this weekend
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Son: Do you want a Mini Egg?
Me: That's so kind, thank you
Me: *eats Mini Egg*
Son: I don't want it because I sneezed on it
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Can't wait to see the Poundland elf apologising on Newsnight in a poloneck tonight
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Every week I bag up my shopping faster than the Aldi checkout guy can scan it, just because I want him to say "Wow, you're good at this". He never does
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Weirdest genre of tweet these last few days has been 'I am out, and I can see that other people are out, which is wrong'
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Someone Photoshop Southgate consoling Southgate. I'll pay
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I spoke to a bunch of Paul O'Grady's friends, and it's currently the most deeply-read thing on the site
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I might be the last person to notice, but what the fuck sort of mug fetish does Victoria Derbyshire have? Her set is conservatively 85% mug
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Why I walk, by me
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Thanks for making sure I spend another year only ever being asked about one thing,
@TomCruise
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Look at this. She's operating a 3MPP (three mugs per person) here, the maniac
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Sometimes, when people ask how old I am, I tell them that I used to answer the phone by telling the caller my own number
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Specifically Happy Independence Day to the eBay seller left with a hundred boxes of these in their attic
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Fucking HELL
This man reported his 5-year-old-son missing after his ex-partner stopped him seeing him.
What happened next is unbelievable…
#ReportedMissing
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Lifehack: use Black Friday as an opportunity to unsubscribe from every marketing mailing list you're on
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Say what you like about the physically unfit, but at least they don't post very many motivational quotes on Instagram
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History will remember the foil-piercing spike contained within tomato puree lids as mankind's greatest achievement
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Nothing says 'I have wildly overestimated my childrens' basic motor skills' like Fajita Night
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John Lennon *writes the saddest song known to man*
Paul McCartney: "This would be better if it was about submarines"
John Lennon: "But..."
Paul McCartney: "SUBMARINES"
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I just want to get ahead of the A-level crowd and say that if you don't get the grades you want tomorrow, you're fucked. You're absolutely in the toilet for the rest of your life and nobody will ever love you
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Now it's EIGHT.
#VictoriaLIVE
has now reached a peak of 8mpp (eight mugs per person). Can this be topped? CAN IT?
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Alexa, make The Sun tweet like a concussed time traveller
How old is Chris Evans, why did he quit Radio 2, what was his BBC salary and is his wife Natasha Shishmanian pregnant?
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I have written at length about Tom Hiddleston's bizarre new advert
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I HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT THE CATS TRAILER EVERYONE
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Hope Alan Sugar gets to step back from the fucking Apprentice too in that case
Gary Lineker is "stepping back from Match of the Day", says the BBC
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Due to a lack of GIFs where circus clowns repeatedly chainsaw themselves in the face, I am unable to comment on Brexit this morning
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Bottom left. A rogue mug. Different branding. What does it mean? WHY IS IT THERE?
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'Chewy'. That's the best they could find. Not a superlative. Not an intensifier. A baldly prosaic descriptor. 'Chewy'. 'CHEWY'. Die forever Eclair. End thread
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First freelancer to be told that coronavirus is the reason for their unpaid invoice wins a prize
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"And that's when I wondered, why isn't there a GDPR opt-in email for the heart?"
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Why CBeebies needs to be saved at all costs, by me
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Keep staring at the mugs. When you stop looking at the mugs, they start creeping towards you
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Petition to put Eclairs in Roses instead. Because Roses are full of rock-hard disappointments in antiquated wrapping. That's what Roses are *for*.
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What's the most profound life lesson you learned at university? Mine was that some families just go to the toilet quietly without announcing it to the room first.
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I'm pleased to see so many of you watching the match with your daughters, because it's never too young to learn that all hope is futile
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Guys. Guys. IT HAPPENED. I just got a "Great work buddy" from the checkout man.
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Two drunk strangers just had a fight in my front garden and I broke them up by saying "Boys, come on". KING OF THE DADS
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Shoutout to all the parents who've just realised how ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT it is to tell a toddler that a) flying animals will bring a magical man to their house and give them all the presents they want, but b) only if they sleep through it
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Oh god. I just realised that we're weeks away from journalists tweeting threads of everything they've written this *decade*
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This is such a weird headline. 'Awwww' would have worked. 'Ahhhh' would have worked. But 'Aaaah' is the noise you make during a zombie attack
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If the phrase 'Guardian-reading, T
tofu-eating wokerati' isn't printed on a promotional tote bag by midnight, my tribe will have sorely let itself down
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Whoever said 'life finds a way' clearly never tried keeping a pot of supermarket basil on the go for more than a weekend
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The best thing about getting paid by the word is when you have to call academics by their proper position in a piece. One woman just earned me £9.
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Although I have to admire the BBC's restraint for making this a four-minute clip. Netflix would have got a whole 12-part series out of it
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The Despicable Me writer's rationale for the Minions movie is dark as shit (via
@devonsaysrelax
)
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My son also shouted "DADDY YOU'RE SO FAST!" while I was bagging up. This may be the moment I peak as a human
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Let the records show that my three-year-old told his first joke last night, and also that it gave me nightmares:
Q: What's under clowns?
A: Bones.
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I can't say I was expecting the orca rebel uprising to be explained away by 'this is just like the time they started wearing fish as hats,' but here we are
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I wish I could make friends as easily as my son. He just shouted "I'VE GOT A BLUE HAT" at a kid in a playground and now they're BFFs for life
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I'm still watching Victoria Derbyshire. Her stand-in today has THREE MUGS ALL TO HERSELF. I am agog
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Even the Miniature Heroes packaging understands the hierarchy. Look at Eclair tucked away half-size in the corner, the quisling prick,
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Listening to No Surprises in the car.
Four-year-old: "This man doesn't like fun things"
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90% sure that 'vary your diet' is code for 'eat your pets'
Times EXC
Whitehall planners will tell Britons to “vary your diet” in event of disruption at the border
- Cumbria amongst the locations of big hangars needed for food storage
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