Suspiciously Nice Prof
@steph_teasley
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What's the opposite of too cool for school? I'm gonna share some of my writing prompts on here--Because it might make more writing!
Joined January 2015
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So many people need a hug, a forehead kiss, and a grilled cheese cut diagonal.
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Yesterday was senior skip day.
One student came in our empty classroom, gave a deep sigh, and morosely explained, "Both my parents are teachers," and sat down.
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2000% of professors are tired.
I did an analysis.
It's peer reviewed.
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My fellow citizens of tiny country towns:
What's the big thing going on right now?
My town's losing its mind because we're getting a Jersey Mike's.
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Teaching freshman anything, ENG 101, Comm 101, Math 101, BIO 101, involves teaching students how to college.
Leave your "they should already know this" at the door.
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Teachers deserve a competitive, professional salary.
What would that look like?
I think full time teachers who are expected to have a degree, licenses, and so forth should make at least $90k.
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Student: I'm sorry but I just can't get every paragraph to 7-8 sentences.
Me: Okay... and why would we need 7-8 sentences?
I swear to Bob, if I ever meet some of my students' previous teachers, I don't think I could be polite.
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Dear students,
I don't pace the lab to spy on you. I've just learned there's a slice of your population that won't ask me for help unless I happen to be beside them.
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Student paper: "In 2001, television was beginning to be popular."
I need to make a will.
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My class was observed today.
Dean scribbled furiously during my talk/setup. I sweated.
When it was over, she smacked her notes and said, "we need to make some changes."
My heart stopped.
She added, "The dept should all be doing it like you."
Me: (clutching chest, panting) thanks.
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It's just a job.
It's just a job.
It's just a job.
I am not my students' grades.
I am not my students' grades.
I am not my students' grades.
Chocolate.
Chocolate.
Chocolate.
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Students learn better when they're not hungry.
Students also learn better when I'm not hungry.
There should be a continental breakfast buffet outside every classroom.
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A bar but it's just women eating apps and reading by themselves.
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Right wing media: "And they're getting students to read these books! Books that should be banned!"
Professors (clicking pens and poised to take notes): "Did they mention *how* they got all these students to do the reading?"
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My dear students,
If your dog is the reason why you can't turn in work on time (true story) at LEAST include a picture of them in the email.
It's etiquette.
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Took attendance today with "When I call your name, name a food that starts with 'P.' No repeats allowed."
That woke 'em up.
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"I can grade these before class tomorrow" is the academic's "I'll just leave early to get gas before work."
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My dear students, when the assignment says 1-2 pages, it's not a trick. Please don't send me a 10-page essay. I promise 1-2 pages is enough.
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"I'm sorry it's late, I went into labor. I'll have it to you tonight, I promise."
THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO GOOD OF A STUDENT
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It is November.
Faculty are grading-eating-crying-grading-eating-crying-grading-eating-crying
I've found that we are haphazardly communicating all this by doing a really loud sigh and then saying "alright" when people ask how we're doing.
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Normal people: Did I leave the oven on? Did I lock the door?
Academics: Did I actually attach the file or just type that the file was attached?
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Hey Academia,
What's the funniest footnote/acknowledgement you've run across?
I just read "For my mom, who didn't exactly help but kept asking when it would be done."
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Just a quick reminder that your dog may like you, may never bite you, and you still need a leash on them at the park.
OBVIOUSLY
Signed, The parent of a very scared kiddo who just got chased by a giant "Oh, but he won't hurt you!" doggo.
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I have a habit of referring to my students as "guys." Trying to stop it by making myself say "sorry- need gender neutral pronouns" and trying out a random one every time a "guys" slips out.
What do y'all call your students?
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I really love semesters. I don't see how other professions manage.
It's like, "You don't like your current situation? Wait 3.5 months, and you get to start over."
It's syllabus revamping time!
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English teachers,
How do you feel about:
"In this essay, I will"?
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Class of 45.
10 minutes per essay (I can dream).
450 minutes.
Times 3 classes this term.
1350 minutes.
And then again for their final drafts.
2700 minutes.
=45 hours.
For 1 essay assignment.
There are 3 each term.
So 135 hrs of essay grading this term (minimum).
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I start my grading process by counting how many papers I have, then dividing by the number of days I have left to give feedback, then briefly imagining I'm the kind of teacher who grades a few each day instead of everything in a 9-hour stretch on Sunday.
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My community college is shutting down the building while we go online, but the school wants to continue to offer wifi in the parking lot to any student who comes.
The IT guys are outside walking with their cell phones in hand making sure the signal reaches. I'm teary.
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To say I'm going to need therapy for the damage caused by grading these A.I. papers is not an exaggeration.
Making a mockery of everything I'm trying to do here.
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Teachers are made to feel badly about almost every boundary they set.
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Anybody can say "OBVIOUSLY, take all the late work!"
But unless we all teach 150ish students in 6 writing-intensive classes per semester, I'm not sure we're all on the same page.
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I keep trying to focus on my syllabus and accidentally baking instead.
Agenda: Finish the 101 classes
Result: pizza dough
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I'll take the emailed first-naming, misspellings, lack of greeting, and zero punctuation, but please, students, for the love of all that is holy,
TELL ME WHAT CLASS YOU'RE IN
THERE ARE 200 OF YOU
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Uh... what would you do if your student turned in their creative writing piece, but it turned out to be the plot of a Scooby Doo movie (word for word) with the names changed?
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Student sends emotional email apologizing for not being in class today.
We had no class today.
Our class is not on Thursdays.
I feel like he needs a muffin basket. Maybe a nap. Muffin basket and a nap.
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Isolation is getting to me.
Student: So, are these office hours mandatory?
Me: No, but you're here now, so no take backsies. Tell me about your day.
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I gave my students the option to finish their assignment with me in class or at home, and they cleared out
So.
Fast.
I'm fine...
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It's my birthday.
I am a 33 year old woman.
Who had cheese sticks for breakfast.
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As someone who had zero negative feedback on their student evals (for the classes I actually get to design):
We need to stop using these as a metric in judging teachers.
My comments ONLY say I'm nice. And I am. But did they learn? Was the class well made and conducted?
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One of the most difficult parts of teaching is
"This class is so easy. I just follow along with the notes, and it's a guaranteed A"
And
"She doesn't teach anything. I have to go to a bunch of other websites to get help and figure out what she wants"
are both in the same class.
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I'm buying a house tomorrow.
For us, it's a hard time to buy our first house, but it was a much scarier risk to continue renting.
I'm so happy and nervous and excited and nauseous and amped up and sleepy. Like I need both to breathe in a paper bag and nap at the same time.
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I was a very good student, and I wonder if I would have been a more prepared teacher if I hadn't been.
Don't know how many times my brother, a self-professed "slacker student," has tipped me off to some student perspectives and real life practices.
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When someone outside academia asks if I'm a professor, I say yes because of the labor involved in explaining whatever the heck it is that I actually am in our dopey hierarchy.
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My dear students,
If you didn't get a whole lot of feedback on your paper, it means you were one of my easy ones who I'm not worried about. Go with my blessing.
And, no, I'm not adding more comments just because.
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I have both 1.) students sending me apologetic emails when their papers might be 2 minutes late and 2.) students who say it's my fault they didn't turn in their final draft because I didn't remind them to (I did).
Students are like a box of chocolates.
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Being married to an academic-
"I'm going to the library- you want anything?"
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I had my high schoolers budget with their dream job salary and imaginary living expenses for their city of choice, and now they're mad lol
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So far, I've had 3 students asking if there's anything that can be done for their grades. Grades were due in the system yesterday.
I'm very flexible and accept late work until the last minute, but I have a hard time helping after grades go in.
It feels terrible anyway.
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I feel guilty for spending so much time on parenting and teaching the kids because I feel like I should be doing my job.
Then I do my job and feel guilty for not spending more time parenting and teaching the kids.
My brain thinks there's two of me, and that one me is just lazy.
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My poor kiddo was wheezing and struggling and got prescribed prednisone.
Pharmacist: It will wind her up, so I wouldn't give it to her until tomorrow if you want to get any sleep.
Me: But she'll breathe better the sooner she takes it, right?
Like, what are our priorities?
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"IT'S BECAUSE THE CHINESE EAT WEIRD FOOD!"
Y'all. (Clears throat)
Crawdads
Gator
Haggis
Blood pudding
Head cheese
Masato de yuca
Frog legs
Scrapple
This is a contest no one can win. Go back to your jello salad.
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Pre-break Steph: ohmygosh I have to update so many things. The syllabus needs work, the lessons need tweaking, online material didn't work as well as it could. This class was trouble and needs fixing!
After break me:
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Freshmen writing:
I made a point. Here is a quote about that point. Next point. Next quote about that point.
Grad students: I made a point. Here are 35 examples and references proving the point is legitimate, please don't hurt me.
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Couldn't figure out this weird thing students were doing in their assignments.
Then I looked back at the sample I created for them.
Oh.
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"Why do you think it's A.I.?"
A very simple question. If you'd watched the same movie every day for 15 years and it suddenly had new dialogue, a few extra pauses, and different tones/color schemes, wouldn't you notice?
Well, this is my 9000th gun control paper.
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Students submit drafts.
I give them a 100%, and a video of feedback to help them revise for the final draft.
Student submits the exact same draft again.
I'm losing them somewhere, and I stubbornly don't want the answer to be "stop giving them a 100 on the rough draft."
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Did I really go to extra school in order to purposefully have a job that requires homework for the rest of my life?
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Very hard to grade this paper.
Student meant to write "consume."
Instead they wrote "consummate."
Over and over.
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I had to give lower grades this year. So many people didn't turn in essays. I can be a fairy godmother teacher sometimes, but I don't know how to poof zeroes into passing.
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Student: I can NOT get back into my test!
Me: Really? I reset it. Try now.
Student: Still no.
Repeat 99ish times.
Student: I am sorry. It was my dog, she chewed through my wifi router cords, I am so sorry.
The dog ate the online homework.
So 2020.
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I will be patient and kind. But, for reals:
Student: I noticed you haven't graded my rough draft, so I haven't been able to submit the final.
Me: The rough draft you submitted... this morning?
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@nikhilsharma2_3
"I could really go for a salad." My sister and I have agreed on this one in advance- and there's no chance it would occur naturally.
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Innocent questions lead to difficult answers.
"Mama, how old was grandma when she got married?"
"Um..."
"And how old was great grandma?"
"Um... first, I need you to understand they're from a place called 'Kentucky.'"
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Whew.
Jeez.
Taking the late work in a semester when students were already struggling
Is.
Burying.
Me.
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Student was worried because they forgot a deadline and thought I'd bring the hammer down.
"But (other student) was like 'come on, the worst she's gonna do is sigh at you'."
And accurate.
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As I get older, I understand why middle age in middle class America is about gardening, barbecuing, and a pool in the backyard.
1.) The world is scary outside, and 2.) We can't afford activities.
Backyard is life.
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I'm not necessarily more confident in my teaching, after twelve years of experience, but I am more comfortable knowing I'm definitely not the only one winging it.
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I can zoom most of my office hours,
but the ones where the student is upset and desperately needs tissues and chocolate, and I HAVE tissues and chocolate, but I can't
Push. It. Through. The. Screen.
Ugh, vaccine already
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To the parents in the can't-leave-these-toddlers-alone-for-two-seconds trenches:
I'm reading a book while my big kids competently unload the dishwasher and put away laundry.
It gets
so
much
easier.
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What is an example of married romance?
I'm 12 years in, and I legit asked for a date at IKEA for our anniversary.
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FYI, you can put a "tell" in your assignment that shows up if A.I. uses a copy-paste version of your prompt to generate the essay, so you know which essays are generated, but you legally can't declare it is A.I., and in English we call this phenomenon "high blood pressure."
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My dears, us academics... we are not alright.
Closing school to avoid crowds and there's a mandatory faculty meeting to discuss it in the morning... any suggestions for what I should wear?
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This may need to be clearer, louder, more obvious for some people.
(Metaphorically clears throat)
There is no childcare when your kid is sick.
Sick kids are 1.) contagious and 2.) needing their parents.
Needing to be home with sick kids is not a result of "poor planning."
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You ever get to November and realize you accidentally taught all the things?
Like, what now?
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People who are finally free of teaching and grading for spring semester:
How many new business ideas or alternate professions have you contemplated in the last week?
I think I'm up to 5.
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My new favorite email of all time:
"Please please please just be cool"
With a super late essay attached.
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A loving husband.
A good father.
The most hard working person you'll ever meet.
But then he goes and buys off brand pringles.
Do we just... stay married? Like nothing happened?
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Colleges don't pay adjuncts well.
Even worse, in my opinion, is having them teach overcrowded classes in windowless rooms without any mask mandates during flu season-
and not even covering them with health insurance.
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My big brother has offered to home school my kids alongside his, and I'm just a little emotional right now.
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I used to wonder why people went on vacations with a guide service that mapped out your excursions and kept you on schedule.
Now I'm like, YES, please, tell me what to do and when, I don't want to make any decisions, just tell me when to get on the little bus, I'm on VACATION
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I can walk 5 miles and grade 50 papers and make dinner.
But if I have to socialize for 30 minutes, the rest of the day will be canceled.
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I could talk about grading and cheating and last-minute "is there any way I can pass this class?"
But I'd rather talk about how hard I'm going to nap on Friday when this is all over.
So hard. I'll win a nap medal.
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The hierarchy of academic titles can be a handful. We aren't all "Dr." We aren't all "professor." We aren't all "Adjunct."
But, we are all "Prof." A student-made word to the rescue.
I think this title should be the student safe word. When in doubt, "Prof."
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I thought I taught with a bad cough today.
Then, I had a doctor appt, and, turns out, I taught with pneumonia today.
Oops.
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Just in case there's admin out there listening (any institution, I'm not picky),
There is, in fact, a limit on how many classes and students a teacher can adequately take care of.
And if you go over that number, bad things happen.
Good talk.
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The kindest thing I've ever done for me and my students is stop planning my classes as a crescendo of projects.
I have a triangle pattern now, that goes short assignments-big projects- short assignments.
Thank goodness writing classes don't need exams.
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Instructors are starting to get hopeful that their schools will delay, put in more strict protocols, or go online as Covid ramps up again.
As a community college prof in the deep country, I can say with 100% certainty that I can expect business as usual with a side of nope.
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Guy behind me to our cashier: Hello, gorgeous.
Cashier: Hello, 3 out of 10.
If we're going to sexually objectify each other, I suppose it makes sense to be honest.
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In a world where you can be anything, be the person teenagers can trust with their poetry.
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I love teaching.
I love when teaching stops.
One, the other, both, always.
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You all deserve deadline extensions.
I decided.
You can go to sleep now.
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If your kids were about to start school in the country and the school JUST decided to make masks mandatory, and you know all the parents around are going to be foaming at the mouth, what would you purchase for your poor teacher's back to school gift?
This is way beyond a mug.
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I did the mom "Can you guys give me just 5 minutes of quiet?!" thing, and these children set the timer on the microwave.
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Every time I talk to a student who explains their work is late or missing due to mental health crises, I leave the conversation thinking, "I'm not sure I did any of that right."
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So very jealous of the scantron and multiple choice exam teachers.
My eyes may never recover from this last stack of essays.
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I want a 4-year-old summer.
In a blanket on the couch watching Disney movies and asking people to put my snack next to me and also bring a juice box please.
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Student: I'm so sorry the paper is late, I just have all these sources, and I've read about half of them but there's so much more to go, and I don't know when I'll get them all read so I can write.
Me (looking over shoulder): So here's the truth about academia...
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