Tom Reimann
@startthemachine
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Comedian/humorist. Co-founder of @GamefullyUn podcast and streaming network - support us on Patreon! writer @SomeMoreNews . Formerly of @cracked . he/him.
Los Angeles, CA
Joined December 2008
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Ok I think I’m outta here. I’ll still post show and work updates etc here for the time being but otherwise you can find me in the other place
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Some random people showed up at our house last night, tried to get in the back door, and then sat in a car in front of the house for two hours before they finally gave up and left, which is nice, because we called 911 twice and the cops just kind of never showed up.
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@drmistercody
@DanCrenshawTX
Republicans, the party of dodging regulations and hiring permanent freelancers so you don't have to pay them benefits and they have no employment rights.
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And I don't mean they didn't show up until hours later. They never showed up *at all.* Not even so much as a follow-up call. Anyway, I was suddenly reminded that this has happened like 80% of the times I've had to call 911 throughout my life.
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@drmistercody
well-behaved women seldom make history*
*refuse to wait 20 minutes for a table at Red Robin
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For everyone just now discovering the opening scene of Meet Joe Black, please know the film then continues for three more hours.
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@drmistercody
@DanCrenshawTX
She was talking about how the government used 9/11 to restrict civil liberties in an unprecedented way that still hasn’t been reversed, in case any of you actually care about context outside of when a republican mouthpiece defends Hitler on camera.
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It's like Christmas Eve, if you stayed up all night wondering whether Santa was going to give you a bike or beat you to death with a toaster
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This bill redefines several misdemeanors as felonies, including camping on state ground and blocking police cars, two common forms of nonviolent protest.
JUST IN: Tennessee governor signs bill that would punish some protesters with loss of voting rights
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@drmistercody
@DanCrenshawTX
Mr. Crenshaw, remember when the West Virginia GOP displayed a poster by an identified anti-Muslim hate group specifically connecting Rep Omar to 9/11 last month and then last week someone was arrested for threatening to murder her? Do you think perhaps your comment adds to this?
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I legitimately have no idea what “up to date” means because the government has effectively ceased all communication about the pandemic.
In every state at least half the population is not up to date on their COVID-19 vaccinations. Overall 70% of Americans, or 227.8 million people, were unvaccinated, had not completed their primary series, or had not gotten a booster dose, as of July 21.
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McDonald's has a maximum order limit of $500 on Door Dash and I feel like that rule needs to be named after the guy who made them realize they needed it.
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I sure will miss watching the president dance like a 50s robot handjobbing its way through a haunted house
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The utter inability of some audiences to accept a deliberately ambiguous ending is both frustrating and extremely funny
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Hi
@Twitter
@TwitterSupport
@jack
This is obvious bullshit. A woman posted a screenshot of her receiving an actual death threat and you banned her forever. The “threat” you’re citing is literally her summarizing the comment in the screenshot, you deliberately obtuse goblins.
don’t tell anyone someone is threatening you on the internet or you’ll be removed from the internet: a story in three acts
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Louis CK is trash and everyone who wants to welcome him back to comedy after facing zero consequences for decades of sexual assault is trash too.
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Why do the machines set The Matrix in a time period where computers and hacking exist? Just set it in bible times, ya robots. Nobody escapes
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One of my favorite parts of The Force Awakens is that Rey thinks Luke Skywalker was a myth, even though it's only 30 years after Return of the Jedi. If a dude with an electric sword blew up the White House in 1989, we'd still be talking about that shit.
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this was an extremely difficult episode to write because A) it's infuriating bullshit, and B) it's *so much* infuriating bullshit, so I decided to add a subplot wherein Cody is really excited about eating shrimp
Hi. Here is the latest episode of
#SomeMoreNews
with
@drmistercody
.
Link:
Executive Producer –
@katystoll
Directed by
@will_gordh
Written by
@startthemachine
Editor and Post-Production Supervisor –
@Conway_East
Head writer –
@MovieHooligan
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HAMMOND: We clocked the T-Rex at 32 miles an hour.
GRANT: You fucking what?
HAMMOND: You heard me.
GRANT: You gotta racetrack?!
HAMMOND: WE GOTTA RACETRACK BABAAAY
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@MovieHooligan
@MattWalshBlog
Matt is pretending like he’s never encountered this joke format before to stick up for a man who accidentally dimed himself out to the police while making the corniest video of all time
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The White House website no longer has a section on climate change, healthcare, civil rights, or LGBTQ rights.
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This is like the 15th problem to solve in our country, but nearly every single call and text I receive is a scam and that makes it hard to be a person.
Honestly the unceasing torrent of scam calls and messages is a legit societial problem with all kinds of negative downstream impacts (everything from polling to contact tracing is harder), and it’s weird that there isn’t more national attention focused on solving it.
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It is terrible, because it means that minimum wage does not actually provide people anywhere close to the minimum amount of money required to exist.
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There are countless livestreams of the protest online, we can see that the fireworks didn't start until after you started shooting tear gas and impact munitions. Also, your officers are wearing riot armor, not sure what a bottle rocket is going to do there.
Demonstrators are setting off numerous fireworks and aerial mortars at officers.
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Black students requested the book be removed from the curriculum (not removed from the library) for several reasons, including the fact that other students were using it as an excuse to say racial slurs in class, but it’s being framed as identical to right wing book bans.
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FYI hero worship of politicians is weird and dangerous and kind of how we got into this mess in the first place
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The median national rent for a one bedroom apartment is $1,078.
Steve Mnuchin, the Secretary of the Treasury, Says $1200 Will Last Families Up To 10 Weeks
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You know how much I learned about Iran Contra and the American AIDS epidemic in high school history? Fucking nothing. Just like I learned Vietnam was "an unpopular war" and the Civil War was about "state's rights." We teach revisionist history about American exceptionalism
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I spent two months writing these episodes so you didn’t have to.
Hi. Today we're looking at America's 40th president – Teflon Ron, 'ol Dutchy, the Gipper himself – Ronald Reagan, and how nearly everything bad in the U.S. today can be traced back to something he did and/or said.
Check out our latest episode:
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The problem with *all* of the Disney Star Wars movies is that nobody ever had a clear vision for the whole trilogy's overall story. Writing/production on all 3 films were separate & simultaneous, which is why we're seeing retcons and abandoned/neglected characters/storylines.
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@pattonoswalt
Join me in reporting
@JamesOKeefeIII
for voter harassment and intimidation. This is explicitly illegal
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Fox News may be telling you otherwise, but the conflict with Target’s pride displays is that Target has been receiving relentless death threats since they were unveiled.
BREAKING: A Target in Layton was evacuated after officials said they were informed of a bomb threat to multiple Utah locations. They said the threat mentioned Target's Pride merchandise displays.
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A character in Tenet literally says “don’t try to understand it” while they’re explaining the gimmick of the movie and folks
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Love that the discourse has decided a “cut” and “literally everything we filmed” are the same thing
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@drmistercody
@benshapiro
I’ve been staring at this for five minutes and I still can’t figure out what he’s trying to say.
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I'm going to buy something stupid today because it is my birthday and I have Covid
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I was unemployed in 2018 and I still owed $3,000 in taxes.
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Cinematographers are working professionals who take jobs as they need them just like anyone else but I will never get over the fact that they got Bill Pope, the guy who shot The Matrix and changed cinema forever, to shoot Jerry Seinfeld's Pop Tart movie.
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This is like demanding to know why Home Depot doesn’t sell ravioli
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Just about to beat Diablo 4. Right in front of the boss room. Got up to pee so there would be no distractions. Was gone for less than a minute and now Blizzard has locked me out of my account for the next several minutes for being inactive. Incredible game design.
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A movie featuring a character named Captain America just became the biggest movie of all time.
Dean Cain: "I promise you, as Superman, I wouldn't today be allowed to say 'truth, justice, and the American way.'"
Ainsley Earhardt: "Oh my gosh. You're right. You're absolutely right."
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Barbed wire is literally a symbol of indifferent violence and cruelty
"Barbed wire used properly can be a beautiful sight,"
@realDonaldTrump
said today -- adding a new line to his immigration passage of his stump speech.
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The first thing E.T. does when left on his own is put on a bathrobe and drink 6 beers in the middle of the day.
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My mom was a pastor, and one Christmas she asked my wife to be in her church's pageant and I didn't go to it because I decided to work. They never did another pageant together, and now my mom is dead and that job laid me off years ago. Don't do what I did. Work doesn't love you.
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Just got out of twitter jail for suggesting a certain orange head of state was so dumb I’m amazed he hasn’t accidentally drowned while looking up during a rainstorm. The past week has done nothing to prove me wrong.
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Hey I work for Collider now and here’s my first article:
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Steve Jobs lied to the courts about being infertile to avoid taking care of his daughter for the first two years of her life. This was while he was already a millionaire and his daughter was being raised on welfare. He didn’t actually meet her until she was 8. Rich people suck.
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Bill Maher is an anti-vaxxer so maybe don’t pretend that anything he says is intelligent.
Bill Maher Addresses Stan Lee’s Death, Says Adults Pretend Comic Books Are “Sophisticated Literature”
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Not only is this video not the intro to the new LOTR show, but the OP (C*lest*al S*ud) appears to be a galloping racist, so good job everyone who uncritically retweeted them
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Why is it so important for some people that the movies they like be well-reviewed, just watch your hog slop man nobody cares
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I want to believe in the aliens too but there are people in the government who would testify under oath to the existence of literal demons so I’m gonna need them to subpoena an E.T.
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@drmistercody
@realDailyWire
Imagine doing a harambe joke in 2019 while simultaneously demanding to be treated like a serious news person
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The notion of ageism in politics can eat 100% of my shit. This country has had enough 70-80 year old people making laws and staying in office for a quarter century. It’s one of the reasons we’re in so much trouble.
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Elon could end world hunger by writing a check but instead he spent more money than entire nations on this planet have ever even seen to buy a microblogging website so racist dorks would tell him he was cool.
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Bands I still consider “new” are doing 20 year reunion tours and I finally understand why my parents were angry all the time
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It’s actually nothing like this, unless you went to a school where the straight-A students got all of the books, pencils, and desks and the other kids had to sit on the floor in the hall outside the classroom and carve their homework into blocks of old wood.
Elizabeth Warren’s Wealth Tax is like telling a straight 🅰️ student in high school 📚 that she has to give up some of her grades to the other students. Instead of stealing from her, why don’t we just help everyone else do better 👍!
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This is, without hyperbole, the most embarrassing thing ever written
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BEN SHAPIRO: *spends all day hanging out in a McDonald’s, selling McDonald’s food to McDonald’s customers*
THE MEDIA: Ben Shapiro is a McDonald’s employee.
SHAPIRO: How fucking dare you
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Not enough words have been written about the fact that the Back to the Future trilogy begins with Doc Brown agreeing to build a nuke for some terrorists.
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Hey just want to thank everyone for all the kind words. As a person who never expects anything I do to be important to anyone, I truly appreciate it. Also the bad guy from Passenger 57 was in two (2) Dungeons and Dragons movies, so who knows what the future will hold
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At the end of The Santa Clause, Charlie says he wants to "go into the family business" when he grows up, which by the film's logic means he has just vowed to one day murder his father, Santa Claus.
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This is the budget of a man who splits rent, internet, and utilities with four roommates and is still on his family’s cellphone plan. Also he went to Princeton and was able to stay with family while he established his business.
The budget breakdown of a 25-year-old who makes $100,000 a year and is excellent with money. via
@CNBCMakeIt
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Terry Jones dying the same day as Mr. Peanut suggests that perhaps a corporation pretending that their mascot has tragically died in an accident to trend on social media is somewhat irresponsible
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"If everyone in L.A. risks their health and spends over $1,000, we can save the economy" is not the feel-good message you seem to think it is.
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This guy on divorce court just said “I need to flirt with women to sell them time shares” and never before has a person looked so much like that sentence.
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HERMAN MELVILLE: ok but what if like a giant ass whale decided "fuck you, specifically"?
EDITOR: yeah that would be pretty stressful, write that shit up
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Booing is hands down the funniest thing we do as a species
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This is the most important work I’ve done in my professional career.
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Hey I wrote this one!
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@drmistercody
@NoahShachtman
“don’t be so happy about the serial child predator and sex trafficker getting arrested because he might implicate someone who agrees with your political ideology” is only a hot take if you believe that every human on earth values power over principles
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We’re trapped in the worst pandemic of the last 100 years but at least the president is the dumbest motherfucker who has ever lived
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Another important aspect of conservatism is holding your opponents to a level of decency that you do not hold to yourself
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Boo Berry shows up on cereal boxes every year, begging us to solve his murder
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Without hyperbole, this is the greatest video of all time
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It’s as if allowing the president to own businesses should be illegal because it skews his priorities.
WH pool report says as Trump was briefed in NC on hurricane damage, he asked an official, "How is Lake Norman doing?"
Told it was fine, he said, "I love that area. I can’t tell you why, but I love that area."
There is a Trump National Golf Club on its shores, near Charlotte.
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57% of Magneto's name is the word "neato" and I think that's great.
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It is becoming more and more impossible to exist as a content creator on the internet.
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Really sick of being told the solution is to vote when the people I voted for refuse to actually do anything except tell me to vote
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The limitless potential of the internet has been reduced to three websites that barely function and trillions of others regurgitating the same shit to try and game their algorithms.
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4-D chess looks a lot like a man relentlessly shitting all over his own dick
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That’s generally the order in which those things occur, yes.
Trump just now: "It is a scary time for young men in America. You can be accused before you prove your innocence."
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hollywood has spent thirty years proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can't make a sequel to jurassic park
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Yearly reminder that Agent Krycek and I were switched at birth
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I see our strategy of electing the dumbest motherfuckers alive is still paying dividends in year 3 of the worst pandemic in a century
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Perhaps allowing the president to say and do whatever he wants without consequence for four years was a bad idea
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I can, this fucking place is literally drowning in ads
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Senators should absolutely be treated like this. They’re public servants elected to represent their constituents, and should absolutely be accountable to them. They’re not figures of worship or visiting royalty, they make decisions of which we have to bear the effects
No one should treat a senator like this, regardless of the vote. It’s a position that should still receive some respect & reverence.
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"You're not allowed to be angry about something unless you also have a solution" is authoritarian bozo shit. I dunno man, we're all pissed this toddler gets to just crash in here and destroy our livelihoods because his billionaire feelings got hurt, so yes I hope this ruins him
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