slice of hell
@sliceofheck
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3,363
Following
1,858
Media
213
Statuses
18,087
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Pinned Tweet
why does hugh jackman only play lesbians? branch out a little you fuckin hack
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Just hooked a guy’s nuts up to a car battery and forgot why
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Even I wouldn’t shoot a dog, and I’m a real piece of shit
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I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here
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Just found out that my wife faked her last three pregnancies and we’ve been raising several balloons filled with meat
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Everyone in this pharmacy says I probably don't need the big condoms
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Does Luke blow up the Death Star in the Old or New Testament?
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The only eclipse I’ll see tomorrow is my wife’s fat ass as it slowly descends upon my screaming face
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If you tell Red Lobster it's your birthday they let you marry a lobster
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We were warned about Gwyneth Paltrow for years and congress did nothing
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I got off my leash and bit the neighbor’s kid again so they’re putting me to sleep. Take care, guys.
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Tweeting pointless nonsense at random strangers I’ll never meet used to mean something
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They need to make a fake mustache that doesn't fall off during sex
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Jesus died for your sins. Then he came back for some reason.
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If you can't be with the one you love, have sex with your wife
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We’re holding an intervention for my cousin today. He’s not addicted to anything, he just sucks.
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Another day closer to my goal of floating face down in a river
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I just ate enough hot dogs to kill a horse. And I know because I once fed hot dogs to a horse until it died.
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The HR lady says I need to stop trying to fuck the HR lady
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My wife blocked me on here and I have no other means of contacting her
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I always keep a jellybean in my ass as a little treat for the aliens
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The other day this guy walked up to me and said, "Hey man, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say thank you. My son refuses to read anything, but he loves your tweets. You basically taught him how to read."
"Fuck off," I said.
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Flushing myself down the toilet to see what the heck goes on down there
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The only balloon I care about is filled with heroin and inside my ASS
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Everyone's so worried about artificial intelligence putting them out of work. I don't even like work. It's stupid.
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How do I make my baboon’s ass redder? And don’t say spanking. I’m already doing that
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WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL US ALREADY, ELON?? ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT??? WILL THAT FINALLY SATISFY YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES????
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Opening a restaurant called Green Lobster. Our slogan? "Fuck Red Lobster."
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Bringing a gun on a date and firing it every time I say something cool
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cheech and chong just drove a car through my living room, tackled me to the floor, and shoved a gummy up my ass
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"Women and children first!" I shout, throwing them out of the plane
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For five dollars I’ll let you hug me behind the liquor store
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I turned 93 years old today and you fuckers didn’t say shit
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All my exes live in Texas. I made them all move there. They live in a shed together. I have the legal authority to do this.
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I find that women are more approachable when they don’t know you’re there
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Calling ahead to Burger King to make sure they still have those crowns
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Reverse cowgirl because I don’t wanna see the cow’s face
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I don’t leave out cookies and milk for Santa anymore, I just suck his cock
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Getting married and raising three children together as a prank
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I became an alcoholic because of my father. He never touched the stuff, and I thought that was really gay.
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Gwyneth Paltrow has tried to kill me on multiple occasions
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My wife has never approved of a single one of my girlfriends
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Don’t know who needs to hear this but you should write a manifesto
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I finally gained 1000 followers and I still feel like a fucking loser, I think the app is broken
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Pretty convenient that Elon shadowbans me right after we have hardcore gay sex
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I don’t tweet much about my four wives and nineteen children because I’m not Mormon and what I’m doing is very illegal
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