sixthformpoet
@sixthformpoet
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Please buy my book, I owe people money. enquiries: vivienne @vivienneclore .com
sussex
Joined February 2011
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Pinned Tweet
ONE
My dad died. Classic start to a funny story. He was buried in a small village in Sussex. I was really close to my dad so I visited his grave a lot. I still do. [DON’T WORRY, IT GETS FUNNIER.]
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I explained and she said ok that’s weird but quite sweet. I said thanks, yes it is a bit weird and oh god I ASKED HER OUT FOR A DRINK. Incredibly, she said yes. Two years later she said yes again when I asked her to marry me because that is how I met my wife.
[END]
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THAT was why no one ever left him flowers. No one except me, of course. I left him flowers. I left him flowers every couple of weeks. Every couple of weeks FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
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I found out where they were buried, bought flowers and drove to the cemetery. As I was standing at their graves mumbling apologies, a woman appeared behind me. She wanted to know who I was and why I was leaving flowers for her aunt and grandparents. AWKWARD.
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His wife didn’t leave him flowers BECAUSE HE’D MURDERED HER. ON CHRISTMAS DAY. After he murdered his wife, he murdered her parents too. And after that he jumped in front of the only train going through Balcombe tunnel that Christmas night.
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Nice but I felt bad for the guy buried next to my dad. He NEVER had flowers. Died on Christmas Day aged 37, no one left him flowers and now there’s a pop-up florist in the grave next door. So I started buying him flowers. I STARTED BUYING FLOWERS FOR A DECEASED MAN I’D NEVER MET.
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I did this for quite some time, but I never mentioned it to anyone. It was a little private joke with myself, I was making the world a better place one bunch of flowers at a time. I know it sounds weird but I came to think of him as a friend.
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I always took flowers and my mum visited a lot and she always took flowers and my grandparents were still alive then and they always took flowers. My dad’s grave frequently resembled a solid third place at the Chelsea Flower Show.
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I felt terrible for his wife and her parents. Now, I wasn’t going to leave them flowers every couple of weeks for two and a half years but I did feel like I owed them some sort of apology.
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I wondered if there was a hidden connection between us, something secretly drawing me to him. Maybe we went to the same school, played for the same football club or whatever. So I googled his name, and ten seconds later I found him.
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TWO
We had two children and last year they said they wanted to go to Disneyland. We saved up and booked it but rather than say sure you want to go to Disneyland let’s go to Disneyland, we decided to make them earn it. I told them they needed to raise £3,000.
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Everyone including John, our homeless friend from Part Two, remember? They got along famously and to cut a long story short THEY JUST GOT ENGAGED. Next year they’ll get married in the exact same village in which this story began. AWWWWWWWW.
[END]
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He said ok thank you and I drove him to a hostel and booked him in. We stayed in touch and he came round for Christmas Day. Bless him he brought a cuddly Mickey and Minnie Mouse with him. Lovely - MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[END]
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THREE
I lived next door to a couple called Lucy and Tim. They were both lovely but very different to one another. He was a gregarious GET IN HERE AND DRINK CHAMPAGNE WITH ME type, she was far more reserved.
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Hello, good morning. A ridiculous but ENTIRELY TRUE story coming up, told in three parts. Ten tweets per part so you might want to a) make a strong coffee, or b) ignore me
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We got home and they said they had an announcement to make like they were calling a press conference. They didn’t want to spend that £2,950 on Disneyland, they wanted it to pay for that guy to have somewhere to live. FUCKING HELL KIDS WE’RE GOING IN THE MORNING.
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I went back and told him the story and said look I can’t cancel Disneyland and I don’t have another three grand lying around but we can pay for you to stay in a hostel for a bit. He cried and said no, I cried and said SERIOUSLY THEY’LL NEVER FORGIVE ME.
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Suddenly they were PERFECT children. I’d get home from work and they’d be all how was your day, can we take your coat? I’d say this is nice oh right wait I get it, sure add ten pounds and they’d say ten pounds is that all - we said hi, took your coat - SURE OK ADD SIXTY POUNDS.
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I was like ok look it’s a really complicated issue and we don’t even know him and honestly it’s lovely I’m so proud of you but SERIOUSLY GO TO BED we’ve got an early start. But they were adamant.
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She said I’m not going to die, am I? I said YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN HAVE A HANGOVER YOU CLOWN. There was a knock at the door - the paramedic. He asks how many pills she’s had. She looks at me, arches a brow and says twelve pills. A LIE.
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I tried to explain homelessness and they were like if he doesn’t have any money, you should just give him some. CHRIST. I said money doesn’t grow on trees and all the spare cash *we* have is taking us Disneyland. YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
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Every time they did something good, I’d add £10. Every time they were naughty, I’d take £10 away. £3,000 and we’d go to Disneyland IMMEDIATELY so if they did ten good things a day without being naughty they could go in a month. Easy.
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The day before we were due to go, they were on £2,950. We were playing frisbee in the park and it landed next to a homeless guy. We went over and said hello. His name was John and he was an artist and he did a VERY AMUSING Kermit The Frog impression.
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The paramedic caught on and Lucy confessed. It was agreed she would probably survive four ibuprofen and a couple of gins and the paramedic said she could come with me. I took her to my house and introduced her to everyone.
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Walking home it became clear my children had never seen a homeless person before. They wanted to know why he had so much stuff. I said he was living there and they said but what about his house and where does he wash and WHAT ABOUT HIS JOB?
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I said I have no idea tbh what exactly have you done? Pills she said. PILLS AND GIN. I said ok how many pills? Honest to god she said four. I went FOUR IS THAT ALL?! (I mean my clothes were a mess!!) How many gins? She said two large ones. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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Annual reminder that my wife’s aunt sends performance-related Christmas presents, based on the number of times you’ve visited and the enthusiasm in your voice when she phones.
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The paramedic asks how many gins and again Lucy looks at me first, arches a brow and LIES THROUGH HER TEETH. Twelve gins, she says. Christ.
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Not for the first 18 months anyway. Last Christmas we had a million people round for dinner and it was early evening and everyone was a bit drunk. The phone rang - Lucy. She said Matt I’ve tried to kill myself. FUCK.
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Two years ago, completely out of the blue, Tim died. I wend round with some flowers and a card and said look I don’t want to intrude, I just want you to know that we’re here if you need us. I gave her my number. She didn’t use it.
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It was freezing and starting to rain but anyway. I climbed over the fence, slipped, got covered in mud, grazed my legs BUT ANYWAY. I went to the kitchen door and let myself in. She was sitting in an armchair with a vacant expression and said Matt am I going to die?
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I said ok I’m coming over, can you let me in? She said no I’ve taken pills I can’t move but the kitchen door is open. I got someone to call an ambulance and went outside to climb over the fence. In my shorts and t-shirt. On Christmas night.
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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.
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People are 70% water. Their personality depends on whether it's still or sparkling.
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.
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My girlfriend just bought a ruler from Smiths. Heaven knows I'm measurable now.
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The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
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The more Twitter tells me it’s over Capacity, the more I suspect Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.
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Just so you know, kissing someone mid-sentence works better in films than when a bus conductor is asking why you don't have a valid ticket.
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The fact Michael Jackson had to ask Annie if she was OK nearly 100 times in four minutes makes me think she probably wasn't OK.
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My heart is just like a spare room
Where not many people have stayed
However, recently I had a guest
You should see the mess that she made
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The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
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To get your porn star name, take the number of times you've had sex in the past week and you're not a porn star, are you? Get back to work.
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It must be terrible being the last banana in a bunch, seeing your friends stripped and eaten one by one, your own health worsening daily.
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If you need to stay awake but don't like coffee, simply reflect upon the many terrible decisions you've made in your life.
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I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
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Wordle 918 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Having guessed my daughter’s name first 900 times in a row, she finally delivered. The three year wait for my son’s name to come up begins now. Merry Christmas, everyone. 🎅🏼
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Welcome to Pessimists Anonymous. Sorry there are no chairs, we weren't expecting anyone to come.
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
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I feel sorry for Piers Morgan. He's basically Piers Morgan, trapped in Piers Morgan's body.
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The fact Michael Jackson had to ask Annie if she was OK nearly 100 times in four minutes makes me think she probably wasn't OK.
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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FUN FACT: The “g” in “arraignment” and “c” in “indictment” often remind each other they have the right to remain silent and laugh for hours.
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An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic.
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How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I've just had six and I feel terrible.
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The letter R is just the letter P nervously dipping its toe in the water.
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This year.
Wife: £25 - “always so kind”
Me: £10 - “doing your best.”
Daughter: £20 - “always polite”
Son: £5 - “I haven’t seen you.”
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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Wine only contains 1% of the Recommended Daily Intake of calcium, so remember to drink 100 glasses every day.
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However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
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Set up a WhatsApp group for my children to remind them of everything their mum does and encourage them to be more helpful around the house. It’s going well.
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FUN FACT: Golden Delicious was Granny Smith's porn star name.
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It's so sad that the people who decide bread-size have never met the people who make toasters.
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Yes, it is a banana in my pocket. I'm never pleased to see anyone.
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1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life's many disappointments
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The last four letters of the word "queue" are just there because they saw a queue forming and hoped it was for something good.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
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Irony is lost on kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.
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The best thing about Cupid is that giving a naked child a bow & arrow wasn't irresponsible enough, so they made him god of erotic love too.
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IDEA FOR A HORROR FILM: Man goes on holiday just as the weather improves at home.
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Maybe I’m just being nostalgic, but the past was so much better. Like an hour ago, for example, when I was still asleep.
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not saying I overdid the food and wine over Christmas but my phone’s Face ID has literally stopped recognising me
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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TV IDEA: Parents are shown a table holding all the money they've ever spent on their child. They then get to choose the money or the child.
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I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
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I just saw a man who died in a failed-parachute accident described as "a down-to-earth guy" and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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The tragedy of knock knock jokes is we never know if the door is finally opened. We see the awkward flirting but not the ensuing love story.
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Just so you know, kissing someone mid-sentence works better in films than when a bus conductor is asking why you don't have a valid ticket.
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Hello darkness, my old friend. To be honest, I have no idea what I see in you.
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It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.
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The best part of Hey Jude is when The Beatles realise the lyrics are terrible and think 5 minutes of na-na-na will distract us, and it does.
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Thank you, I will treat your home as my home. Now please leave, I’m in no mood for guests.
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The man who invented the snooze button has died. His funeral is on Tuesday at 9, no 9:05, make that 9:10, ok 9:15.
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My favourite thing about Scooby-Doo is that supernatural events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog.
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You speak in haiku
That is VERY attractive
Said no girl ever
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Every bed is a water bed if you cry yourself to sleep often enough.
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Sheryl Crow's song Every Day Is A Winding Road clearly proves she's not a real crow.
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You need to think about the future. 500 caterpillars might not be the gift you wanted, but just you wait, it's going to be beautiful.
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Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.
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I'm paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I'd like.
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I wasn't yawning, I was doing an impression of a lion roaring his delight at your fascinating story.
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All dating is speed-dating if you're annoying enough.
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It's so sad when you think you've met the perfect girl, but then she puts a coffee-soaked spoon in the sugar and you have to say goodbye.
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A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him water, but can't make him drink.
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Even on Valentine's Day, my secret admirers take the secret part seriously. Good for them.
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Girlfriends are like buses. You wait for ages and I like the bendy ones best.
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