Shawn Wines
@shawnwines
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Following
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Nice weird comedy writer person
Los Angeles, CA
Joined April 2009
I made baby strike signs so kids can picket at their schools, playgrounds and places of employment. Dry erasable for your child’s particular grievance. Let me know if you want one!
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What’s a normal amount of times per week to think about the 2011 Winnie the Pooh movie getting a theatrical release with a 63 MINUTE RUNTIME?
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Hey @LongJohnSilvers I noticed you haven’t offered your thoughts and prayers to the people of Los Angeles during this difficult time. What the fuck is wrong with you?
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This is the Premier Gold Polaris Clear Plus Pre-Check line, not the MileagePlus Silver TSA Pre-Check line, you absolute fucking idiot.
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We must come together as a nation to once and for all defeat the Chipmunk Christmas song
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Had a great time at our 4-year-old’s first Scholastic book fair!
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Hey does anyone know where I can get a $35 cheese pizza? Oh, everywhere? Cool!
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Hey @AlamoRentalCarDenver I rented a Ford Taurus from you in 2009 and you haven’t emailed me 6 different 20% off coupons today, what the fuck?
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New Sam Shepard paragraph just dropped
Was circling the parking lot of a Texas Roadhouse the other night and I stopped my car at one of the back windows. I looked into the restaurant and saw a family sitting in a booth laughing and enjoying their dinner. It amazes me to type this but suddenly I was overcome with emotion and felt almost as if I was looking at my ex wife out to eat with our kids and her new husband. Sat there for 30 seconds and then drove home
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Ok, enough, thanks
Police in South Carolina are on the hunt for 43 rhesus monkeys that escaped from a research facility on Wednesday.
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If you’re in line, DON’T STAY IN LINE. You’re trespassing at a community rec center. The election is over. It went horribly. It’s Wednesday evening.
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Congratulations to future Secretary of Commerce Rob Schneider
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Do we get the billion dollars back, or was that like a grant or something?
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Congratulations to measles, mumps and rubella on your upcoming return to greatness.
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Jimmy Carter has the chance to do the saddest thing of all time
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