SHAMSEDDIN GIWA
@shamseddinGiwa
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Marriage Therapist, Author and Relationship columnist @leadershipNGA
Joined May 2014
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Husband is having extramarital affairs; we tell wife to buy aphrodisiacs, sexy lingerie, learn sex styles.
Husband ignored the home; we tell wife to cook better meals, make the home arranged and sorted for him.
How can things get better if we don’t address the right person?
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The relocation story you don’t get told.
This was us several years back as a young couple looking for better life abroad. The dream was good, the intentions were good and we had enough to start. We just didn’t have enough information of how challenging it would get.
We started
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Mother: What’s the name of the man you want to marry?
Daughter: Idris
What does he do? Civil servant
Mother: I have checked, I was told it’s not this one. What are the names of the other men in your life?
Daughter: Adebayo and Babatunde
Mother: What do they do?
Adebayo
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Until we start addressing the actions of husbands instead of just preaching patience to the wives, we’d continue to have unresolved issues in marriages.
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Don't scream to correct a spouse.
Don't mock to correct a spouse
Don't refuse food to correct a spouse
Don't hit to correct a spouse
Don't cheat to correct a spouse
Don't stay out to correct a spouse
Don't marry another to correct a spouse
Don't ignore to correct a spouse
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Someone asked me why her,
I answered:
She showed good character and a beautiful personality inside and out.
She was trustworthy.
She never burdened me with what I could not yet afford even when I knew she desired them.
She was humble
She believed in me when no other person
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Things we don't teach young men before marriage but expect to handle just fine.
- Sensitivity to a woman's emotional needs
- A wife's sexual rights
- Sensitivity while trying to conceive
- First trimester blues
- Pregnancy bump and changing body
- Care of a pregnant wife
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Japa will affect your marriage too, know what you’re getting into.
- Plan to go with your spouse, else plan how you’d sustain the spark and connection while you work on a feasible plan. Distance creates cracks that end many marriages
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I've been with Latifat for about 2 decades and not once has she raised her voice at me. Not in courtship, not in marriage. The respect has always been topnotch even when I have not been so. She humbles herself and generally listens when I talk. She is not perfect, far from it,
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"Mijin Hajia" & "Woman wrapper" are two terms being used to subtly bully responsible husbands.
Dear husband,
If going home early to your family, being loving, caring and assisting around the home is what will make you mijin Hajia then be so without shame.
It's your home!
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Dear school fees paying father (and mother),
May Allaah make it easy for you. Well done.
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Ramadan is proof that you can close from work and get home early.
It is proof that if we put our minds to it, our marriages, families and homes can enjoy from our focus.
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Whatever you do in the bedroom, please keep down the volume to avoid explanation 🤣🤣🤣
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Dear school fees paying father (and mother),
May Allaah make it easy for you. Well done.
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The shock for many second wives begins when they get in and realise that contrary to what they expected or were told, the first wife is not a problem and she is even a positive force to be reckoned with in the marriage.
Inferiority complex triggers insecurity and now they feel
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This picture was taken right after a small fight some years back. In fact, the picture almost never happened because the mood was bad but we decided to go ahead with it, first as a reminder to ourselves that we are like any other regular couple with misunderstandings and fights.
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You cannot keep telling one person to be patient in marriage while the other keeps misbehaving. You'd be helping to promote abuse.
If only we could spend the energy on the other to act right.
Patience is not gender based.
Patience is for everybody.
So is acting right.
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A muslim man is permitted 4 wives.
A muslim woman is permitted 1 husband.
As a woman, you need to be 4 times as careful in making your choice. It is easier for a man to get it wrong the first time, realise his error and marry another….and this happens a lot.
You don’t have
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It is easy to view pictures and get the wrong idea.
All that I am (whatever that is) took time, hard work and Allaah's mercy.
This marriage, this person....it took a lot to get here, it takes a lot to be here and to try to keep getting better.
Before I could even make it to
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The feeling that comes with gifting your wife the good things she desires is priceless.
Oh Allaah, please never deny us the ability to do this.
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Husband afraid if he helps out with chores, the wife would take advantage and make it his duty.
Wife afraid if she helps out with bills, the husband would take advantage and make it her duty.
They both forget, it is their home, their marriage.
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I have learnt a lot on this journey but I know enough to know there's still a lot to learn, a lot to try and learn in Shaa Allaah.
We began as 2 individuals who had nothing but the desire to make something together and that if we kept on trying to do our bit, Allaah would do the
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With a good spouse, the journey in marriage is a lot easier if you stay dedicated too.
Whatever comes, you'd know you have someone who's got your back.
The migration stories of many is more challenging because the pressure eats into their unity, trust and dedication to each
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ISSUES TO DISCUSS BEFORE MARRIAGE
No topic is off bounds when it comes to planning for marriage. If it is important to you, discuss it.
We are different so these issues will vary from person to person but here's a general guide.
Finance: This includes income, expenditure,
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Say:
Oh Allaah, protect me from spousal hurt in marriage while also strengthening me when anger knocks.
I know my spouse is not perfect, I know I am not perfect too so grant me the patience to overlook that which I should and forgive all I should.
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RANTS OF A NIGERIAN HUSBAND TO BE.
A man has no business starting a family he cannot afford. What exactly does a young man need these days?
- A good place to stay (compulsory)
- A steady source of income that can sustain the home (compulsory)
- Running cost (varying but
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The best wife is not the one that suffers the most.
I repeat, the best wife is not the one that suffers the most.
The best wife is the one that makes the smartest decisions in the context of her existence, her home, spouse and marriage.
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Marriage is deliberate.
It's your efforts and never give up attitude that the prayers work with.
In a society where the stories only trend when negative, we choose to represent the positive not because we don't have areas that can be better but because we choose to not give up
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They will hijack your jalabiya, hijack T -shirt, singlet, polo shirt, formal shirt. They will hijack your boxers and stretch it, slippers even when oversized, joggers.
Revenge beckons: Target their soap and cream and use with luxurious reckless abandon.
It’s all love.
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You don't go out
You don't call people or pick calls
You don't attend events or network
You don't travel
You don't allow yourself to be introduced or matched
Online, you hide, monitor, read comments.
Yet, you complain about being single. How will a potential partner locate you?
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Marry a kind spouse, someone who can be there for you when you need.
Be a kind spouse, someone that can be relied on as needed.
The past couple of weeks have been a struggle and the role of the Mrs stepping up and taking charge…priceless.
AlhamduliLlaah.
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Women go through different health conditions that men don’t.
A husband who doesn’t understand your health condition cannot be there for you.
Take PCOS for example, it can affect looks, fertility and mood; all of which can affect your marriage.
Information helps
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Husband should help you with chores, you made an issue out of it. Now your son is married and you are fighting his wife for “using your son”.
Dey play…
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Unfortunately, it seems the good wife, today, is that who accepts every treatment in silence and without complaining.
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Dear single lady,
When you hear married women asking you to TRY to have a source of income before you go into marriage, take it seriously.
E get why.
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Asked people to speak about their spouses and got these amazing replies. There's a lot we can make better but there are still good men and women out there. In the face of the negative marriage narrative, embrace positivity.
Yours will come.
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Say:
Oh Allaah, protect me from spousal hurt in marriage while also strengthening me when anger knocks.
I know my spouse is not perfect, I know I am not perfect too so grant me the patience to overlook that which I should and forgive all I should.
Aameen.
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Dear Muslim wife,
Do whatever you do to assist and support your husband for the love of your Creator.
One of the very sore areas today is of wives who are very bitter having given their all thinking they were building in monogamy only to wake up to polygyny.
Buy your
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A good hearted friend can make a very bad husband. A very religious lady can make a bad wife. A very good friendship can transition into a nightmare of a marriage.
Don't always see divorced people as being bad humans, marriage is a different ball game.
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May you not find your soulmate outside your marriage.
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Do not marry a person nobody can appease, reason with or calm down.
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Sometimes in marriage, it would feel like everything is falling apart & you no longer feel you can continue.
We have been there, it's not easy.
This is a reminder that Allaah is always bigger than the challenges if you both believe & commit to learning/growing from mistakes.
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Marry your friend and many of the issues people face in marriage become easier or even completely avoided.
If you are already married then make your spouse your friend. This needs you to be deliberate but is almost as beneficial as marrying your friend if you get it right.
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Don’t marry a woman that cannot live within your means.
It’s as simple as that.
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In picking a spouse, look beyond having the same religion, look to religious compatibility; the existence of faith levels, creeds, paths and directions that complement each other positively towards growth and Jannah.
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Dear young couple,
Give yourselves time to grow. You are different people raised in different homes to different values at different times trying to come together and form a home. It takes time to fully find the equilibrium.
Don't expect to get married and instantly discover
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Oh Allaah, I know You see all, hear all and never forget but please, in Your infinite mercy, answer our positive requests and desires in their best possible versions and make them Align with Your best desires for us.
Let us not go astray or doubt Your Oneness and Supremeness in
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Shower with spouse
Eat with spouse
Pray with spouse
Play with spouse
Exercise with spouse
Stroll with spouse
Learn with spouse
Cost - Nothing
You got complacent & no longer see your spouse in that light. Your spouse has evolved into a mere housemate.
What are you going to do?
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How your family treats your spouse and marriage depends on how you present it to them and how firm you are.
Nobody can disrespect your marriage, home or spouse if you don't allow it. They'd try but that's all it will be, a failed attempt.
Stand for yours.
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Family: It's not always going to be easy but if you look deeper, you'd always find a good reason to hold on.
For this, I am always grateful for the favours of my Lord I cannot deny.
From the Giwas to everyone who's been there positively through the journey, we say thank you.
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Behind the pictures lie several events which don’t show. Many of the issues we discuss are issues we faced first hand from family disapproval to in-laws to distractions to finance to self discovery to parenting, even intimacy.
Yet, I promise you, if we can be here
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Suffered an ankle sprain recently and it’s really affected my flow.
She comes to me, applies ice pack and says “I’m going to be doing this for a bit, so just relax and be pressing your phone”.
I’m here wondering just how much Allaah has blessed me.
My darling,
For the times
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If you don’t watch your temper, words and manner of communication, you will struggle in marriage.
It’s as simple as that.
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Cheating does not begin with sex, it begins with smaller actions deliberate or not, like the thought, smile, chat & meets.
The moment it becomes something you have to hide, no matter how small you feel it is, you are there.
Purify your intentions.
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Man meets divorced woman, single mother or older previously unmarried woman he wants to marry.
Guess who objects?
Yep. It's often his mother, sisters, female cousins, female friends and all.
Female supporting female on this? Not really, just a lot of hypocrisy.
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If you have a wife that's got your back through the hurdles that life throws, you don't know how blessed you are.
Take whatever chance you get to celebrate her.
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In marriage, get your own money for hand, no matter how small. E dey reduce see finish.
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A 34 year old Muslim civil servant with a master's degree (AA genotype) from Lagos and resident in Ibadan seeks woman for marriage in the age range 25 - 30, degree level educated and at least engaged in an occupation.
**Reach out to me if interested
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Marriage is a journey. As such, when you marry someone you join the person's journey and they join yours.
If you are going right and that side is promising, what you want is someone to complement it. If you marry a person who is going left, it will undo whatever good exists on
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Brother X: My nikkah will be coming up next month in shaa Allaah.
Brother Y: Oh wonderful.
Brother X: In fact, I am very happy too. She is very understanding.
Brother Y: Errm, I don't know how this might sound but I have a serious question, if you won't be offended.
Brother
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BASIC RED FLAGS WHEN SEEKING A HUSBAND
1. He has no solid plan for the future (his and yours)
2. He is controlling.
3. He lies.
4. He has no mind of his own.
5. He is always complaining and rarely positive.
6. He is abusive, rude and lashes out without control.
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Regardless of what social media tries to make you believe, the authority of a husband is higher than that of a wife at home & in marriage.
It's all comments & banter online but when you drop your devices & get back to your truths/realities, please remind yourself of this.
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May you not find your soulmate outside your marriage.
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“Age is counting but suitors not coming, what do I do?”
- Don’t get desperate: What’s meant to be will be. Getting desperate means you become vulnerable and can be taken advantage of.
Focus on life: Life exists beyond marriage. Love, thrive, be.
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Dear husband/potential husband,
The woman's body will change as part of her sacrifices for the marriage. This is absolutely normal everywhere. It's not a reason to change rooms, abandon her,stay out late, chat & seek others or become insensitive about it.
Yours will change too.
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The challenge of not having access to halal sex in the face of strong urges is underestimated. The temptations, the struggles, the frustrations, the unorthodox choices, the silence, the hurt.....
May Allaah provide worthy partners for all needing of one.
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Oh Allaah, provide for husbands make e be say any charge or billing wey these wives wan carry come, we go dey up to the task.
Oh Allaah, no shame us.
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Say to yourself:
"My marriage will work. It will survive and thrive no matter what. I will be happy in shaa Allaah."
Now go on and put the effort in to support the prayer and watch things get better for you.
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Two good people can have a bad marriage.
Puzzling right?
You see, Character is what makes you good but good character is not all you need to have a good marriage.
A good marriage needs other things including finance, intimacy, zeal, spirituality, etc.
How many times have you
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If you understand how critical striving for Jannah/paradise is, you won't say marriage, which is comparable to "half your Deen/faith" is not an achievement.
A good marriage, to the right person and all the benefits it comes with, is an achievement bigger than most.
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Dear husband,
Please don’t forget to gift the wife and children “Eid money”.
It’s not a bad practice to imbibe. May Allaah continue to replenish you.
Eid Mubarak.
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Happy birthday to an amazing wife and an all round blessing of a woman.
There’s always so much to say I struggle to even find the words.
You, my darling saw me for all I was, potential and nothing more. But that was enough for you. In the face of challenges many would have
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Oh Allaah, make for us, a spouse that would be loyal and be by our side through thin and through thick.
A spouse that will stand by us through the fights and during the victories.
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That you marry someone you love and loves you back doesn’t mean you cannot fall out of love.
It’s one thing to fall in love, the real work is in staying in love and maintaining/growing what you created.
That takes deliberate effort which many of us don’t do.
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Go into marriage with a team mentality.
If you choose to see chores as belonging to one person and bills belonging to the other alone, you are likely to create a stressed home given the realities today.
It's not 50/50, 60/40 or whatever, it is 100/100.
Give your best.
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Single: Too picky
Married early: Rushing
Married late: You waited to misbehave
Happily married: Pretender
Unhappily married: What did you do?
Separated: You are impatient
Divorced: You must be terrible
Widowed: You are a suspect.
Lesson: Live your life, people will talk anyway.
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Happy appearances don't mean you'd have it flawless. You'll have things to deal with, a lot of times, you'd have fights. We have our fair share of those too. Maybe sometimes you'd even feel like leaving (or actually make to leave). Family, inlaws, finance; these will bring issues
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The idea behind Ramadan is purity in spirituality. The aim is defeated if you plan sahur/iftar with meals cooked from a live in girlfriend.
Living with & cooking sahur/iftar for a man you are not married to doesn't make you wife material, it also doesn't score you Ramadan
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A wife is meant to support you, not take charge of everything. Why should she find you attractive as a husband if she does it all?
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Don’t marry a man that cannot afford marriage.
It’s as simple as that.
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I met my wife in the same neighborhood. Her home was 2 streets away.
I met her through a common friend I stopped to say hi to.
Love was the last thing on both our minds but alhamduliLlaah, here we are.
That love story is over two decades strong.
Yes, I know the role of Qadr
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It takes being deliberate/Allaah's mercies to be a person that observes salat, a spouse that prays, one that encourages the other to pray, a parent that teaches children to pray.
May Allaah make it easy, many cannot even perform ablution but scared of being judged by us.
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"My parents said I can't marry you, you're not from Ilorin."
And just like that, a potentially good spouse is lost and the cycle continues, as largely inconsequential values are made priority.
We blame the parents but what do we truly stand for, and how?
(It's not just ilorin)
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In the name of romance, they will turn your designer shirts into pajama tops, your boxers into baggies; dump and pick another set. Slippers is not your size but you must swim tiny feet inside. Jallabiya don turn gown.
Hmmm, this love Sha. Person no vex but please small small.
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Being a husband doesn’t excuse you on hygiene.
In a lot of homes, the wife is assigned laundry and cleaning duty and that seems to encourage an entitled mindset on being careless and dirty.
It’s your boxers but you throw it anywhere you like, sometimes after days of wearing it
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Don't scream to correct a spouse.
Don't mock to correct a spouse
Don't refuse to eat to correct a spouse
Don't hit to correct a spouse
Don't cheat to correct a spouse
Don't refuse to come home to correct a spouse
Don't marry another to correct a spouse
Don't ignore to correct a
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If you're having visitors in the home who'd be staying over, clear it first with the spouse you share the home with. It's basic respect.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a close friend or family, clear it with your spouse well ahead. This does not make you weak.
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Fatherhood - Priceless blessing.
Dear man,
Be available....let your family feel your positive presence. I know it takes a lot to go out and provide but family time cannot be compromised.
May our homes be healed.
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Dear single lady,
Eid is approaching, don't leave your own parents to go and be sorting ram poop for the parents of a man who has not yet married you.
Many have been called "our wife" to sort intestine and face firewood smoke for nothing.
Be reasonable.
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BASIC RED FLAGS WHEN SEEKING A HUSBAND
1. He has no solid plan for the future (his and yours)
2. He is controlling.
3. He lies.
4. He has no mind of his own.
5. He is always complaining and rarely positive.
6. He is abusive, rude and lashes out without control.
7. He does
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Dear Mr “what do you bring to the table”,
I bring commitment and loyalty for your trust and peace of mind.
I bring companionship for your loneliness in a way only a wife can.
I bring intellectual support for your growth as your number one cheerleader.
I potentially bring
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B complained about her husband staying at home but not really connecting with her
C told her she was lucky, at least she had a husband who stayed at home. Her husband could never stay for more than a few hours.
D smiled, "at least your husband lives in the same location, mine
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Say:
"Oh Allaah, bless my husband with all round wealth to have a good long life then teach him to do good by me and the family You build for us. Bless me this too and cap our lives with Jannah".
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Your husband is responsible for you and the children, not your siblings, not your parents.
Whatever he gives, he does so from the benevolence and kindness of his heart. Accept with gratitude and don’t show any sign of entitlement.
It is not a right.
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It'll shock you when that spouse you thought could never move on does so without you. Then you'd realise how much you played with someone you ought to have shown care. Unfortunately, for many, it would be too late.
Don't let this be you. Pay attention to your spouse today.
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Hey love,
What happened to us? We used to be able to talk, able to play and do more, we used to be friends. How did we get here? words that once overflowed with the thickness of a forest now empty like a desert. The morning greetings, when they do come, do so in the most formal
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