matt
@shadygrenade
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*Pizza Hut job interview*
"Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?"
No sir.
"You will."
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*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
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*NASA Headquarters*
Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?
Scientist- The prototype killed a shit ton of cats. Next question.
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Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that's a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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10,000 years ago people didn't even know what a wheel was and they could still draw better horses than me.
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I got a job at Lady Footlocker to meet women, but now they all run away even faster and with better ankle support.
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"Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?"
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
"Ah nuts that was a good one."
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Professor Xavier- "Everybody here possesses an extraordinary power."
*walks by Tim who has whole fist in mouth*
"See? I can't even do that."
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"Son, what you walked in on your mother and I doing, it's-
Wrestling?
"Haha what? No, it's sex and it's awesome. Your mother is a freak,"
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840
"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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"I want a di-
This?
*pulls dick out*
"No, a di-
This?
*pulls dictionary out*
"No, a divorce."
A what?
*pages thru dictionary with dick out*
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*dad pulls out banana and condom*
"I'm going to teach you how to use a condom son but first I need a snack, my potassium is very low."
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"Out of my way pussy."
*I pull my shark tooth necklace out from under my shirt*
Come again, friend?
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542
*pulls pants and boxers down to ankles at urinal*
"You guys remember peeing like this is kindergarten?"
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*parked outside a Walgreens*
"Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5? Sweet. Listen, do you know what tampons are?"
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*Biden climbs tree*
"Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree."
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I'm not dumb Barack. That's way too heavy to throw.
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"This is my favorite bar."
Sir, this is-
"Red wine plz."
This is a ch-
"Who's on organ tonight?"
This is a church.
"Can I get a menu?"
3
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"Dad I ran the 5k in 24 minutes!"
*peers over paper*
Well done son.
*lifts paper, mumbles*
5,000 miles in 24 minutes my ass you little shit.
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*interrupts Senate*
Biden: I finally beat Rainbow Road!
Obama:
Biden: Pound it!
http://t.co/ZatsIaeYMS
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*thrown out of Target*
"YOUR LOGO IS VERY MISLEADING!"
*angrily throw bow and arrows in backseat of car*
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Christie: you win this thing, I'm your VP right?
Trump: oh hell yes!
Christie: nice!
Trump: pound it!
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What do you get the hypochondriac who thinks he has everything?
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*Weight Watcher's meeting*
"I'm Jeff and I have an eating disorder."
{crowd} Hi Jeff!
*crowd is quickly eaten by Jeff*
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"30 shots of espresso NOW."
*barista's eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
"I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!"
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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*first date*
"If you had any idea how much cheese I can eat in one sitting, we'd already be fucking."
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*takes long drag of cigarette*
*realizes it's actually a hotdog*
*looks around to make sure nobody saw, quickly puts it out in ashtray*
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"Grandma my back itches and I can't reach it."
I survived the Holocaust but yeah let's talk about your thing.
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"Tim, step on the scale."
Ok I live with my mom, my best friend is a rabbit named Reggie, I'm unemployed-
"Not how Biggest Loser works Tim."
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I've turned down sex to watch Space Jam on blu-Ray and it was the right call.
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Fun prank: tell best friend you never want to see or speak to him again. Call him in 40yrs and yell "ZINGED YA! Let's shoot some hoops."
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*wife returns home unexpectedly*
Are you watching soccer?
"What? No! I was uh, watching gay porn."
*hides ball under shirt*
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"Step out of the car sir. Recite the alphabet backwards skipping every other letter and the consonants that remind me of my ex-wife."
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*corners the guy who fav's but never RT's in the produce section*
"Tell me how to please you."
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911: what is your emergency?
*cracks blinds*
Me: there's a demon in my bird bath
911: I bet it's just a bir-
Me: HAHA OMG it's just a bird!
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One of my friends engagement photos. It is the single greatest thing I've ever seen.
http://t.co/bIXVMbglji
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"Your Honor, my clients wife cut the pizza into squares! *turns to jury* Squares!"
*jury gasps, woman faints*
Judge: "Bitches be crazy."
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don't follow basketball.
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[pharmacy]
"If this is Plan B, what was Plan A?"
*flashback of me trying to throw girlfriend at the sun*
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If I was a baby doctor I'd show animal ultrasounds to parents and say things like "whoa look at that wing span" or "that's a big dick."
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*pizza falls in with bad crowd*
*pizza experiments with drugs*
*pizza does ecstasy at the club*
*pizza rolls*
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*ditching date*
"I gotta run. There's an alien invasion and Jeff Goldblum needs me."
Independence Day plot? Really?
"It's similar, yes."
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God: You must kill your son for me.
Abraham: Alright cool you too though.
God: Duh, fair is fair!
Abraham: We are best friends.
*high fives*
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[sits in barber chair]
"Make me look like I'm running super fast."
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"And the Oscar goes to....
*opens envelope*
"...Colonel Mustard in the study with-you know what, I think I grabbed the wrong envelope."
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You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Ever since my motorcycle accident, you really haven't had a choice Sharon.
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Mr. Hand: Can we do taco night?
Obama: Joe, I can't-
Mr. Hand: Who's Joe? Sounds cool, bet he loves tacos.
http://t.co/RbELPgpTF6
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[Tim Allen undoes belt]
"It's Tool T-
-every time? Really?
"Buzz Lightyear to Star Command, you're being a total bitch."
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*does wicked backflip at divorce hearing*
Judge: *points at me excitedly* He gets the wok.
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License and registration please.
"Bears."
Excuse me?
"Beaaaaars."
Are you drunk sir?
"BEAAAARS!"
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
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Dr. Who will see you now.
"Who?"
Yes.
"What's his name?"
Who.
"The doctor I'm seeing!"
Who is your doctor!
"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?!"
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Ok, Olympics but with rabbits. Like rabbit luge, rabbit volleyball, rabbit downhill skiing, how far can you kick a rabbit, etc.
2
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it's my only one]
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[open house]
Buyer: feels great in here, does it have central air?
Realtor: um [flipping thru notes] I think there's air all over.
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*outside window with boom box playing Sabotage by Beastie Boys*
Her Dad- What the hell are you doing?!
"I want to ruin your daughter sir."
5
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[wife follows rose petals to bed]
"I'd like you to sleep in the guest bedroom from now on."
2
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Shark Tank is my favorite show about rich people laughing at poor people.
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I put pigeon spikes on my steps and watch the Jehovah's Witness flutter around like wtf while I sit inside just loving Jesus.
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Girls never want ball pics and that's crazy cuz if a lady had a fleshy sack of balls hanging off of her you bet your ass I'd wanna see it.
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Professor Xavier- "Everyone here possesses an extraordinary power."
*Randy walks by burping the alphabet*
"He's our most gifted student."
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I want to break up Tim. You're just too boring.
*Tim shows her picture of him riding pony as a child*
"Do your research bitch."
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*opens frozen Mexican Pizza*
“What the-”
*Mexicans explode out of box*
A LA FRONTERA! EJECUTAR! OLE!
*Mexicans scatter over the horizon*
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Mulder: I've often felt that dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.
Scully: We gonna fuck or what?
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The first guy in line at Best Buy gets to bring the best TV back to the loneliest home at a fraction of the cost.
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I got 99 problems and fitting into jeans right out of the dryer is all of them.
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*does drugs*
"I don't get it.
[7 minutes later]
"Oh wow ok yeah this is pretty neat."
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*saves baby bird*
*chews food for baby bird*
*spits food in baby birds mouth*
*baby bird dies*
*googles "baby bird mcdonalds dead why"*
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If airplanes were dicks, your mouth would be a small regional airport.
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I get knocked down
But I get up aga-
But I get up-
But I-
But-
Please let me get back up again sir.
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"Excuse me ma'am do you know- oh my you're a mannequin boy do I feel silly!"
*checks coast is clear*
"Listen you wanna get outta here?"
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"The day you were born was the best day of my life."
Dad that's so swee-
"Shut up and let me finish. The McRib had just come back...
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*confessional*
[sign of the cross]
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
*Father rolls eyes*
Blah blah blah forgiven-WHATS PORN LIKE?!
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[dragged out of film exec office]
"SAW FOR KIDS WILL BE A HIT YOU'LL REGRET THIS!"
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*eHarmony*
Her: Tell me about yourself.
Him: My free trial is about to expire. We gonna bang or what?
1
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I used to pretend I was Nancy Drew and solve mysteries like "The Case of Moms Missing Shoe" and "Why do I Feel Like I Should've Been A Girl"
6
15
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How to have sex:
1. Take clothes off
2. Glare at eachother
3. You don't need a ball
4. Why is it on a string?
5. You're playing tetherball
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*at yoga*
"Tighten your core."
*squeezes core*
"Tighter!"
*squeezes core even tighter*
"TIGHTER!"
*shits pants and implodes*
4
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74
"Oysters can change their gender multiple times during their life."
I already knew that.
"Of course you did aunt Gary."
4
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65
[in prison]
Can you get it for me or not?
"Ya but why would someone need a Smash Mouth beer cozy in prison?"
3
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Why do the neighbors call you Hellraiser?
"Maybe cuz I fuck shit up. Maybe cuz I fell asleep in the sun with a tennis racket on my face."
4
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If you watch Sharon Stone cross her legs in Basic Instinct in slow-mo, you can see a Chilean Miner waving at the camera.
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"Spousal abuse is no yoking matter." I scream as I pelt my wife with 1,000's of eggs. She laughed the whole time cuz we are so in love.
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"Ok how are we going to spell colonel?"
Guy who spelled Worcestershire: I have an idea.
1
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A White House tour except the tour guide just holds up a picture of Clinton, points to pieces of furniture and does jerk off motions.
5
26
66
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, except there's no priest, no rabbi, no bar, and I'm drinking alone in the tool shed again.
1
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@pentimentos
@breeannamclovin
@vikilintw
@MaddisonRaelene
@Sethrogen
@ChrisEvans
Nice obscure conquistador reference, bro!
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I got 99 problems and coincidentally that's my body fat percentage.
4
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*kicks pyramid of soda down at store*
"Clean up on aisle "who gives a fuck."
*holds phone up, plays Michael Jackson's "Bad" as I exit*
4
12
60
*Hunter puts bear shit in his mouth*
The beast is near son.
You can tell by tasting it's poop dad?
No, its right there.
Then wh-
Mmm...
3
12
60
CNN: You won't get Ebola.
NBC: You probably won't get Ebola.
FOX: You and your whole family will die of Ebola.
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My favorite sex position is Christ the Redeemer. Involves a lot of tourists.
0
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