Kyle Creek, aka The Captain
@sgrstk
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Writer. Creator. Instigator. Dad, but not your dad.
Joined September 2009
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Today is my 38th birthday. And, just as I have done on this day every year for the past five years (with the exception of the last), here are 38 things that I’ve learned in 38 years. As I get older, the years seem to get shorter, and the lessons, well . . . they only get harder.
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If we replaced cancel culture with critical thinking, we'd have empathetic conversations instead of emotional reactions. And, by talking, we learn to separate honest mistakes from actual hate.
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Things that are not "conspiracy theories" — sex trafficking, government corruption, media manipulation, food modification, etc. — regardless of your political affiliation, this shit IS happening. You're not crazy for believing it; you're fucking crazy for ignoring it.
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You need at least one person in your life who can — and will — fucking check you. (And this person can't be yourself because you have no idea how arrogant, absurd, or annoying you are sometimes.)
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Unconditional love is cool, but I want untouchable love. The kind of love that can't be fucked with by others' opinions, lies, or influence. A love that is rooted in trust and strengthened by a sense of humor. Instead of getting upset, you simply laugh at dumb shit together.
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A fact is information minus emotion. An opinion is information plus experience. Ignorance is an opinion lacking information. And, stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact.
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The fact that some people go to a restaurant and treat the staff like shit is fucking ridiculous. You CHOSE to go out to eat. If you feel the need to be rude while you're waiting for your food — stay the fuck home and yell at your microwave.
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I want a girl who's genuine, but also a degenerate. Like, when necessary, she'll speak with heartfelt sincerity — but the rest of the time — she's a funny, vulgar, sarcastic asshole.
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Your grandpa used to write your grandma love letters longer than a college thesis. Now, here you are, texting women pictures of your penis.
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Is your girlfriend "crazy," or is she taking a pill every day that fucks with her hormones and emotions just so you can have two extra pumps, you ungrateful fucking bum?
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Billionaires are fucking boring. Your mega mansions with all-white furniture make me sick. How could you have that kind of money and not live in a haunted castle with a moat, hedges shaped like animals, and a groundskeeper with a questionable past?
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If you enjoy burning sage to remove the bad energy in a room, you might also want to consider burning some bridges to cleanse your life of the people who are no fucking good for you.
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The holy grail of dating is finding an individual who's intellectual, thoughtful, comical, and unusual. You know, somebody who's smart with a good heart, a respect for the fact that sarcasm is an art, and a willingness to do weird shit with your private parts.
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I like my mornings to be slow and quiet. I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to fuck me.
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We shouldn't teach kids that being naughty or nice determines the gifts you receive in life. Be nice for the sake of being a decent human. Or, be a fucking dick because sometimes people deserve it. And, if you want cool presents, buy your own shit.
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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Patience is waiting for your friends without losing your mind. Progress is learning that your friends are always late so you tell them to show up at 7 instead of 8.
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3 A.M. is known as the "Devil's Hour" because that's when ghosts, witches, and demons are most likely to appear. It also happens to be the time when you're most likely to receive a "U up?" text. Coincidence? I think not. Beware of those devil dicks and haunted holes, my friends.
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Before you commit to dating someone, make sure they don't have prior commitments that will interfere with your fun. Like a jogging routine, a strange way of eating, or somebody else they're already fucking.
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Feeling offended is a fucking choice. The moment you let somebody else's words upset you, you've let somebody else defeat you. And, who the fuck wants to lose a battle to an opinion?
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Looks fade and money goes, but humor is everlasting. Seek those who match your wit, appreciate your dark shit (you know you're sick), and have the ability to laugh with you through the worst of it. A boring life simply means you've chosen to fill it with boring people.
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If somebody doesn't choose you, let them fucking lose you. Once somebody has made up their mind, have the self-respect to stop wasting your own time.
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I want a girl with good grammar, but a sick mind. Like, her texts always have punctuation, but she's going to Hell for the stuff she says.
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Date the person who tells you to "keep fucking going" when you're feeling discouraged instead of asking you, "Are you done yet?" This support should apply to hobbies, career aspirations, and sexual positions.
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We are quite possibly living in the dumbest time of humankind. Media has lowered mental capacity, memes have replaced research, and miscommunication is more common than common sense . . . and, it shows.
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A sense of humor is critical to your survival. Sure, you need food, water, shelter, and other stuff like that — but a sense of humor is what holds your shit together when life is being a motherfucker.
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If you spend your entire life taking everything personally, you're going to spend your entire life wondering why you're not happy. Happiness doesn't come from others' approval; happiness comes from self-worth, authentic choices, and doing cool shit without caring who notices.
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A college degree is cool, but without a moral compass, you're a piece of shit — an educated piece of shit, but still a piece of shit.
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Let's normalize not needing everything to be normalized. Accept the fact that you're different, unique, or fucking weird — and that's okay. You don't need everybody's validation or society's normalization to continue living your life, your way.
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You don't have to explain yourself to everyone. Whether people understand you or not is not your problem. Does a leopard have to explain its spots? No. It just sits there looking fucking hot.
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Sexual kinks are perfectly normal and healthy. Life's too short to not free your wild side from time to time. Hell, even Rapunzel wasn't freed until some guy pulled her hair correctly.
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"Control your emotions" doesn't mean "avoid your emotions." Feel your shit, understand your shit, but don't lose your shit. If you condition yourself to feel nothing, you set yourself up to have nothing: no love, no happiness, and no friends. Because you're a sociopathic asshole.
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A best friend should be both ruthlessly loyal and loyal enough to be ruthless. In other words, they should always have your back — but still call you out on the dumb shit that's holding you back.
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The only thing more attractive than confidence is intelligence. Don't believe me? Have a conversation with a confident idiot and let me know how horny it makes you.
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Learning to let go and let life unfold has nothing to do with giving up. It simply means, sometimes, instead of figuring it out, you have to wait it out. Feel it don't force it. Patience not pressure. And, most importantly, dignity not desperation.
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Save your attention for people who support your progression. If they don't feed your mind, fuck you right, or fuel your fire — don't let them waste your time, ruin your night, or fuck up your eyeliner.
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Someday, you're going to wake up and say, "Holy fuck, this is my life." So, do whatever you can today, tomorrow, and the next to ensure that the "fuck" you say on that day is being used in a positive fucking way.
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It's okay to miss something and still admit that it was wrong for you. A job, a city, a relationship . . . feel free to remember the good times, while giving yourself the freedom to put them behind you in order to focus on a better you.
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Let's just all agree, if you don't come out of this as a better person, you can "stay home" until you're ready to rejoin society as less of an asshole.
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Stop being so fucking hard on yourself. If you're paying the rent, going out each weekend, and buying fruit that's already sliced — you're fucking thriving. Relax and enjoy your apples, you boujee asshole.
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You don't need a "happily ever after," you need someone who makes you realize what matters. And, that person will be a pain in the ass.
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If somebody breaks your heart, blow their fucking mind. Be everything they thought you couldn't be — but do it for yourself before anybody else.
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You can only chew your food for so long before it's time to swallow and move on. The same goes for your thinking: stop dwelling on thoughts that drive you fucking nuts — think it, feel it, then move on before it becomes too fucking much.
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Being picky is the best strategy. Pick your battles, pick your friends, pick your sexual companions — and when you lose one (or all) of those things — pick yourself the fuck up.
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In life, you'll be misunderstood. At some point, you'll be made out to be something you're not. When this happens, it's not as important to defend yourself as it is to know yourself. Know who you are, know what you mean, and know enough to feel secure even though you're not seen.
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You should want a woman who's hands-on, but also a handful. Like, she'll take an active role in helping you become a better person — but she'll do this by testing every bit of your fucking patience.
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The older I get, the more patience I have for individuals who are just being themselves — and the less patience I have for people who are trying so fucking hard to be just like everyone else.
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My kink is making people think. Sure, talking dirty is great in the bedroom, but the real fun begins when you find someone who will talk about aliens, history, and conspiracy shit with you.
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Girls with houseplants make good girlfriends. Because they've learned to care for something that sits around all day being fucking useless.
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You don't need someone who cooks you breakfast in the morning; you need someone who makes your overall life less boring. Because no amount of pancakes will make up for the fact that you're with somebody who doesn't even make you feel "awake."
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The toilet paper shortage is proof that — when faced with a problem – the majority of people will focus on shit.
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I like people who decorate early for Christmas because they live life on their own time. Pancakes at 10pm? Hell yeah. A beer for breakfast? Absolutely. Two reindeer humping in the front yard a week before Thanksgiving? Happy fucking Holidays.
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If you don't believe you'll make it through a break-up, you should break up. Because you're in an unhealthy relationship and no one should be that dependent on another person. Trust me, you'll live — you beautiful, dramatic idiot.
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Let self-respect become your reputation. Be someone who is incredibly hard to fuck with because everybody already knows you don't tolerate any kind of bullshit.
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I fucking love seeing people in love. I used to be so opposed to public displays of affection. Now, it's like, "Hey, life is fucking hard. If you find someone who makes it more enjoyable, do your thing — just keep your pants on, your hands visible, and the slurping inaudible."
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Dudes, get into the Halloween spirit. If you're going to send a dick pic, send a picture of your empty hand instead. Tell her you're holding a ghost dick (ooh, so spooky). In fact, use this technique all year long — nobody wants to fucking see your weird goblin wiener anyway.
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I don't understand how people lose interest in learning new things. You mean to tell me you're at a point in your life where you're just like, "Fuck it, I know enough"? How is that even possible? Are you dead, dumb, or just lazy?
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This year, more than ever, it should be apparent that nothing is controllable — except your own behavior. So, do yourself a favor, and prepare for the future, by deciding to be less of a whiner and more of a "whatever the fuck happens, I got this" thinker.
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If you can believe in ghosts, horoscopes, and magical crystals, why can't you believe in yourself? Are you seriously telling me that you have more faith in a fucking rock than you do your own mind?
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If you're flavorful, rejection is fucking inevitable. A strong personality is an acquired taste; just because one person thinks your flavor is shit doesn't mean another won't think you're fucking delicious.
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Don't date someone in hopes of changing them; you cannot "design" the perfect human. You know who tried this? Dr. Frankenstein. You know what he ended up with? A fucking monster.
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People change, feelings fade, and only closed-minded individuals remain the same forever. In other words, instead of being too quick to judge someone's past behavior, remember the fact that you, yourself, were once somebody you'd consider wrong, naive, or different altogether.
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The ideal relationship is one where you can be yourself, but still learn about yourself. Speak your mind, but still be challenged sometimes. Be independent, but still know you have a support system. Feel comfortable, but still try new shit that tickles and scares you a little.
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When you're watching a movie and there's a scene that you simply cannot fucking stand, do you rewind it to watch it over and over? No. So why do that when thinking about mistakes you've made in life? Move on and keep the story going.
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Stop waiting for the one and just live the life you want until somebody comes along and makes that life more fun. There's no "waiting" for anyone when you're chasing goals, treating yourself, and getting shit done.
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Your honesty is all you can truly promise anybody. It's the only thing you can absolutely control in any situation. So, be true to yourself — and straightforward with others — and let the universe handle all of the bullshit that remains confusing and undiscovered.
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Give yourself some credit. You might not be exactly where you want to be in life right now — but, goddamnit, at least you're not on a reality TV show as one of a dozen losers all wasting your time trying to date the same individual.
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Don't let someone break you because they don't understand you. People form opinions based on their understanding — and, most people don't even fucking understand themselves — so why would you take another individual's judgmental opinion of you as factual?
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You don't need all this "new year, new you" bullshit—you need to actually be you—as fiercely and authentically as you can. Stop censoring yourself. Stop pretending to be someone else. Stop letting others decide your life for you. That's the shit that will really change your life.
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Be humble, but at the same time, don't be afraid to humble someone. In other words, know your worth without having to show it — but feel free to flex on anyone who tries to devalue it.
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Self-care is important, but caring about other people keeps you from becoming a self-centered asshole.
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Ladies, don't ever be afraid to make the first move. Any guy who is turned off by your confidence is probably turned off by other attractive things — like kissing with tongues and telling the truth.
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If you ask me, a mutual sense of humor is the backbone of a bonafide relationship — if you can't laugh together, you don't belong together. Humor bonds are the best because you can roast each other without crying, apologizing, or filing for divorce.
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Enjoy being single, be selfish with your time, money, and space: cancel plans, buy shit you don't need — sleep like a fucking starfish.
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I mean, sure, sex is great — but have you ever layered your outfit perfectly for the weather? Not too hot, not too cold, just the blissful feeling of knowing that, even though the rest of your life is a fucking mess, you absolutely nailed getting dressed?
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The reason so many people suck at dating is because they suck at communicating. Read the comments on any controversial social media post and imagine being in a relationship with one of those individuals.
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You know what's cooler than being liked? Doing what you believe is right. Trust me, the satisfaction that comes from being true to yourself and your convictions is a hell of a lot more rewarding than receiving somebody else's attention.
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If someone cheats on you, do you take them back? What if they cheat on you for a second or even a third time, is there any trust left after that? I ask this because I'm curious as to why people continue to stick by politicians and authorities who have repeatedly lied to them.
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Sometimes, you'll cut ties with people for no reason other than the fact that you realize you simply don't like the way that you feel around them (and vice versa). Neither side has to do something wrong in order to decide some people just aren't meant to be in your life for long.
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Your relationship with yourself will make or break your relationship with everyone else. If you don't maintain boundaries, if you make decisions that you don’t believe in, and if you become anyone other than who you want to be as a person, every relationship is doomed—so, be you.
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Don't mistake acknowledgment for engagement. Acknowledgment is simply somebody validating that you're there, whereas engagement comes from someone who actually fucking cares. In other words, if your efforts aren't met with action, it's time you, or somebody else, started packing.
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Remember when everybody was panic-buying dumb shit like toilet paper because they were afraid of an apocalypse? Well, do you want to know what's equally fucking ridiculous? Panic-dating any dumbass who gives you attention because you're afraid of being alone.
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Remove yourself — from situations, relationships, and shit that simply doesn't make sense. You can't begin to put your life together until you stop putting your time and energy into people, projects, and private parts that don't really matter.
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This year has been filled with a lot of loss and gain: Perhaps you've lost some friends, but gained some patience. Maybe you've lost some income, but gained some insight. Or, you've lost all respect for the media and politicians, but gained some respect for your goddamn self.
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Fuck math, you don't need a "better half." You graduated, right? So why are you still practicing fractions? Complete yourself: Be a whole number and become your own source of satisfaction.
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I want a girl whose remarks are bold, but whose heart is gold. Like, she's not afraid to talk some shit, but she'd also save a puppy from the street despite the fear of getting hit.
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It's known as "catcalling" because neither cats nor women want to be bothered. You have to earn their attention/affection, you fucking bum.
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Protected sanity is more important than protected sex. I don't care how good somebody fucks, it's not worth it if they make you feel like you suck. Nobody rides dick or squishes lips so fucking well that it justifies going through emotional hell.
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If you're in a relationship, it's normal to still find other people attractive — art exists in many forms. However, if you're a decent human, act like you're in a museum: look and appreciate, then go touch, fuck, and adjust something at home.
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Trust your gut whenever shit isn't adding up. It doesn't take a mathematician to know when 2 + 2 = somebody fucking with you.
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Feeling lost is not an excuse to fuck your life up. If you were stranded in the middle of the ocean, would you sink your fucking boat just because you're unsure of your destination?
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Sadly, we're asking too much of people. The majority of the population doesn't know how to think for themselves because they haven't made a serious decision without social media input since 2007.
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No matter how attractive somebody is — if their attitude is negative and shitty — avoid them. They're human lava: Hot, but they slowly destroy everything around them.
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You know the media is fucking with you, right? Creating a "this side vs. that side" situation because when emotions run high so do the ratings. And, like any narcissistic relationship, it only ends when you stop giving the narcissist your attention. So, turn that shit off.
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The sad thing is dogs don't even realize how popular and loved they are online. No dog is ever going to read this tweet; that fucking sucks.
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We need to be as anti-brainwashing now as we were pro-handwashing earlier this year. If you're worried about your health, clean your mind as often as your hands — turn off the TV, get off Instagram, and take a break from anxiety-inducing, manipulative agendas and algorithms.
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Heartbreak is a motherfucker. And, the reason it hurts so much is because you don't believe you'll ever find another. But, with pain, there's also a lot of truth to uncover. So, allow yourself to feel it — because you're only a loser if you don't use it to make you better.
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The cool thing about being wrong is that admitting it doesn't make you any more wrong — it actually helps you learn and move on. I have a feeling a lot of people will need this mindset in the coming weeks.
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Fuck your diet. Try eliminating all the unhealthy relationships from your life instead. Because it doesn't matter how good you look in a bathing suit if you have jealous friends willing to backstab you.
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Do sharks complain about Monday? No. They’re up early, biting stuff, chasing shit, being scary — reminding everyone they're a fucking shark.
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You can say all the right things and not get through to someone. You can make all the right moves and not save a relationship. You can hit all the right spots and nobody gets off. Because life isn't about being right; life is about being real. And, real might feel fucking wrong.
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