Schalk Bezuidenhout
@schalkiebez
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comedian, actor, friend, lover, pet
Cape Town City
Joined June 2012
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Shortlist of possible topics for tonight's Family Meeting.
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NZ tour going very well so far. Here is me with ex-captain of the All Blacks, Richie McCaw.
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I don't normally post memes / funny pics, but fokkit I laughed at this. South Africa is just the funniest country in the world, finish en kla. I want to credit whoever made this, but I don't know who you are. Please reach out. I'd like to buy you a drink of your choice under R50.
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I DID NOT GIVE CONSENT FOR THIS PHOTO OF ME TO BE USED.
@KimKardashian
expect a letter from my lawyers.
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Lekker PSA we did with LOTTO.
I legit play LOTTO every week 🤣 quick pick, pappa!
And massive shout out to the wonderful tannie I mention at the end 😉 LOTTO used to be my favorite TV show.
Every LOTTO ticket creates a winner!
#knowYourNationalLottery
and
@sa_lottery
#ad
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Don't wake me up from this dream! Tomorrow is the last show opening for Trevor Noah in CT... Walking out to 5000 people makes my snor tingle every night!
Durban is next 🐬 and then Pretoria 🥩
Long live live comedy 🎤
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In a month I will be introducing Mica to people as my WIFE 😱 and she will be introducing me to people has her HUSBAND! Crazy. "Husband"... love it. It has a nice ring to it. You can say it fast, you can say it slow, you can whisper it, you can shout it. Sounds nice every time.
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Happy 1 year anniversary to the most beautiful girl ⭐️❤️
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I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with some slow runners
#Caster4Gold
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Been sitting on this news for a few weeks now, but kak excited to finally share it!
Myself and
@dillanoliphant
are opening for
@Trevornoah
on his current SA tour 🎤🇿🇦
If you have tickets for any of the shows in Cape Town, Durban or Pretoria... we'll see you there!
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Thank you
@Trevornoah
and the team that made these shows possible.
Thank you
@dillanoliphant
- my fellow opening act!
Thank you
@SavannaCider
for their continued support of South African comedy.
Thank you to all the audiences who came to laugh. You did not dissapoint!
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Can we have a lekker hand clap please to give credit where credit is due 👏👏👏 CREDIT?! Get it? It's a bank joke.
#DiscoveryBestBank
@Discovery_SA
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The most important 'N' in South Africa at the moment.
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Can everyone stop posting about the snow please?! It's not that impressive!
P.S. here's a photo of me in Kempton Park today.
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Raising a toast has never been this easy! Dankie, Discovery Bank! 🫡
#DiscoveryBestBank
@Discovery_SA
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I take my hat of to the Afrikaans people living in Australia.
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Surreal experience with Eddie Izzard coming to watch the show in London last night and having a chat afterwards. Apologies to the people who sent me this photo and then ended up being cropped out. I would've taken a picture myself, but my hand was shaking too much.
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2nd marathon! And PB! Pushed to make it under 4 hours and just made it. So I'm feeling sore, emotional, but happy and chuffed!
Cape Town Marathon is great with a lot of vibe, but more importantly FLAT! "Flat" - music to a runner's ears.
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Make sure you've got your pills ready for the finals... Essentiale isn't enough anymore!
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Try telling an Afrikaans kid "you're gonna get charcoal in your Christmas stocking". They'll just be like: "Yes! Kom ons fokken braai !"
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'KANARIE' is showing from today in cinemas all over the blêrrie show. It does have subtitles so you don't have the excuse of "I got 34% for Afrikaans". Go watch it. Or don't. I mean, it's not like there's a massive billboard of it in Pretoria or anything...
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Expl¤re GR€€C€ with D¡sc¤v€r¥ B☆nk
Check out this
#DiscoveryMaths
travel hack 👀 Take me to Greece already! ✈
#DiscoveryBestBank
#DiscoveryMaths
@Discovery_SA
@Vitality_SA
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Honeymoon tip # 1: show off your raw man strength every few minutes to remind your wife what a beefy stud she married.
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My last week as an unmarried man 😱
Mica, 1 week to go!!!!!
P.S. mense, if you hear any rumors from my bachelor's the other day... the answer is: no, there was no stripper. I WAS the stripper!
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'Achy Breaky Heart' is the most Afrikaans English song.
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Never seen such a long line to take pictures with a bull's ballas
#WallStreet
#ChargingBull
#NewYork
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Haters will say it's a private jet. And they'd be right. In Durban for the last 2 shows with
@trevornoah
- There's a Gupta on my Stoep.
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Overheard from a bathroom cubicle at corporate event I was doing last week: "So how long do you think this Schalk doos is going to go on for?"
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#tbt
to 14 year old me as Borat in the school play (2006)
But now it actually just looks like what I look like now 🤣
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This is the guy who has made me cry more than anyone in any sort of thing on TV! I don't know much about rugby, but when I watch a game now and then and I see Mapimpi play, I know: damn that dude is good at sports.
#ChasingTheSun
#rugby
#amibigorishesmall
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When you arrive in CT with a huge suitcase because you're working here for a month and a half and you realize the only pair of underwear you have is the one you're wearing. Guess who's going to the shops tomorrow wearing an inside out pair of underwear?
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Rushing home to catch
#HouseoftheDragon
at 21h30 on
@MNet
! Please no spoilers you freaks who woke up at 3am to watch it!
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Thank you to this person for having the bravery to speak up about this issue. Something that does not get addressed enough.
Seen today at a very lekker bowls club.
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I'll keep you guys updated of what I learn on the game drives. This morning I learnt that buffalo charge faster than a Samsung.
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Yesterday I ran 400m to see what the hype was about. At 43secs I only had 200m to go. So it would have been close...
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Childhood dream came true yesterday being a contestant on Noot vir Noot. I can't give away anything yet... let's just say I won more than 50 Randjies. Johan Stemmet, I always I have childlike excitement seeing you. Emo Adams, Johan can be very proud of the new Noot vir Noot host.
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So nice being back after so long. Decided to spoil myself with a trip to home affairs 😘
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When you've been married for a year and you suddenly discover a whole new side of your spouse... like that she can rap the entire Hybrid Theory album of Linkin Park from front to back 🤣
@micapaprika
who are you?!
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Yesterday
@GlenBidermanPam
and I went for lunch looking like we're opening a shop in Cape Town that only sells clothes made by silk worms and is only open 1am - 2am, 3 days a week. But those 3 days change every week, but we don't tell you so you have to guess.
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2010 - 2019:
2010 - finished matric
2011 - can't remember
2012 - can't remember
2013 - can't remember
2014 - can't remember
2015 - I think I got a degree in something?
2016 - can't remember
2017 - can't remember
2018 - was that last year?
2019 - ate a pie
CAN'T WAIT FOR 2020😁
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When you want to go out, but also want to dust the ceiling fan.
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Last night will stand out for me as one of the best nights of my stand-up career.
Besides for performing to a packed room in Dubai to a warm and receptive crowd... the opening acts all killed so hard and we were instantly friends. Dubai, let's make this an annual date please!
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Found what is now maybe my favorite restaurant in the world! A place in Amsterdam called 'Moeders'. As you can see the place is completely filled with pictures of mothers that people have donated over the years. I went there a 2nd time to add my own mom and mother in law ❤️
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I'm in the Huisgenoot crossword. So ja... I can retire now.
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This is me in America next year when the $ is lekker cheap... Drinks on me bitches!!!!
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Watching
#DesertRose
on
@MNet
at the moment! WARNING: don't watch if you know the actors personally 🙈...
It's every Thursday night at 20:30 by the way 😉
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South Africans everywhere!
@GEEBZphoto
(a South African who lives in Edinburgh) messaged me out of the blue a few days ago and offered to take some pictures of me. After I had made peace with the fact that I might get murdered I said 'sure'. Some lekker photos came out of it.
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Honeymoon tip
#3
: mesmerize your wife with some sensual moves to remind her that she married a man with natural rhythm and killer dance moves.
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Wow! And I thought last night's show in Mossel Bay was a great end to my year... then I wake up to this news! Thank you Daily Maverick! The pilots on my flight today must have seen the news as well, because they gave me the best window seat in the house 🤣
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And a Merry Christmas to you too...
Bakkies Botha, you are a better Father Christmas than Father Christmas himself.
@WeBuyCars_SA
#freckleagency
#ad
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Proof of life after my bachelor's! About to go on stage at the Savoy Theatre (PE) with theeee best jersey I've ever received! Yes that is an embroided Otis on the front. Gifted to me today by Tannie Martha from PE ❤🐶
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2nd marathon! And PB! Pushed to make it under 4 hours and just made it. So I'm feeling sore, emotional, but happy and chuffed!
Cape Town Marathon is great with a lot of vibe, but more importantly FLAT! "Flat" - music to a runner's ears.
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You know that year after school where you decide to grow your hair as long as possible and then people come up to you in Tin Roof asking how much for one ecstasy pill? Ya, I think I should grow my hair like that again.
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Stop. Collaborate. Listen.
(For the younger generation: that's not an inspirational quote. It's Vanilla Ice)
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Me, age 13, as an extra on Binnelanders - when it was still a weekly series and not a soap. This 11 second performance opened a lot of doors for me. Like the opportunity to play 'party guest 8' the following year in 7de Laan and 'guy paying his bill' in Egoli (2007)
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"Pippa, jammer ek's laat!" Die seun is terug! Danny, ek het jou gemis. Seisoen 3 van Hotel word tans geskiet. Januarie 2019 op jou onsettende duur TV
#KykNETHotel
@kykNETtv
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Another new jersey I found while thrifting. Joe Exotic's Kempton Park cousin: Joe Ma Se Exotic
#TaylorThrift
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We made it to CT from Brakpan! I don't live there (before you assholes start cracking jokes) , but the guy who was selling it lives there...
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Took pappa bear shoe shopping at HI-TEC for Father's Day. On the way there in the car he told me how I should indicate / not cross my arms while I turn the wheel / keep a safer following distance at least 7 times.
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My birthday is long gone, but that doesn't change the fact that my girlfriend got me the best gift. It's me... MADE OF WOOL! I can die now.
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Seems like a few people on the Ballito Community WhatsApp group were talking about my Pumpkin Theatre shows being sold out... except Jan, who had no fokken clue what was going on 🤣
Jan, please make contact. I can't get more people into the venue, but I'll let you watch from the
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Heerlikheid, no one has even commented on the fact that
@LoveIsland_SA
is not on an island at all, it's on a wine farm. I guess all the girls are just like: "Ja lekker let's get gesuip." My kinda show 🤣🍷
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I guess we look as gangster as middle class Afrikaans people can look.
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I would kak myself if I came out of the bathroom stall and saw this.
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So special being pregnant at the same time as my friend ❤️ love you lots Nikkipoo! What a journey we are on and just know our children will be best best friends 🍼
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Girls on instagram be like...
Have a sensual week everybody 💋
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When you trying to break Afrikaans stereotypes, but there's fokken peanuts and biltong on the table in front of you.
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WARNING: people change after you marry them.
( P.S. there are still tickets left for my one man show, 'keeping up', in CT and George and you can get them on )
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