Sheena
@sarky_sheena
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Following
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Clumsy, underachiever, occasional drunk, goes to pets at home for a cheap day out.
England
Joined August 2010
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My daughter asked me what the film Grease was about.
When I started explaining that it was about a young couple that fall in love but then the lad treats her like shit. So she dresses like a slag and starts smoking to win him back.
I realised, it really hasn’t aged well.
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Fifty seven pound for a candle that smells like someone’s vagina.
You can smell mine for a fiver.
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When this is all over, i must take my daughter to the zoo, so I can remind her what a giraffe looks like.
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Here’s a photo of me and my Dad, who sadly passed away this morning.
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My daughter asked me if the person on my T-Shirt was the Queen.
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I was very depressed last Christmas, this year, I’m not.
So that’s nice, isn’t it.
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In 2024, i’ll be celebrating the fifth year of being single.
When you celebrate five years of marriage, you give the gift of wood.
Just saying, happy to accept that too.
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So were wagon wheels.
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Right, so you remember that stand up thing I said I was going to do.
Well, I’m currently sat at an open mic night and I’ve only just bloody gone and done it.
And the best bit is people laughed!!
I’m feeling incredibly proud of myself right now.
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I’m that old, I remember when the weather used to get windy and nobody gave it a name.
#StormBrendan
Don’t forget, your big coat.
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Can I share some nice news.
For the last 18 months I’ve been completing a Level 5 in leadership and management.
It’s been a struggle juggling it, and I doubted myself all the way through.
But today, I found out the overall grade and I was awarded a distinction.
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Good Morning, today I woke up at 5am, read for an hour, had a coffee then arrived at the gym half an hour before it officially opened.
I asked if I could come in for a private swim but they told me to fuck off and come back at 7:30am.
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Manchester university has banned clapping as it triggers anxiety. So students are being encouraged to use jazz hands.
Because 30 people staring at you in silence doing jazz hands won’t make you feel uncomfortable in the slightest.
#clapping
#jazzhands
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Today I made the executive decision to throw away the glass Gü pots.
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@janemoir7
A sex worker picks up a client who decides to give her the weekend off. So she’s not out of her pocket he still pays her.
Turns out they get on quite well so he sends her out to buy new clothes so she doesn’t embarrass him. She jacks in the sex work & becomes a kept woman.
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Some lad at school kept calling me names
So I started a rumour that he had a tiny penis.
The headteacher found out
And sacked me.
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In the toilets at the supermarket and my daughter feels that this is a good time to ask at the top of her voice why I have a hairy snatch.
Because, Mummy’s single.
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@bjaerosmith
Its just a joke, Ben. Sandy looks banging at the end.
People can dress as they like.
I’m sorry if this offended you.
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@MeganGuinan1
A girl goes to a Butlins style holiday camp.
Despite there being well over thirty entertainers she ends up having to step in & learn a dance. The blokes a bit of dick but she falls in love with him. Then they sexy dance in front of her parents who are apparently cool with it.
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@griffiths_janis
A girl preparing for her wedding decides that she wants her Dad to attend. Unfortunately, like a good episode of Jeremy Kyle her Mum doesn’t know who her Dad is. All 3 potential Fathers arrive, instead of doing a paternity test like normal people they all pretend to be her Dad.
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My daughter bought a toy tool belt and went round the house pretending to fix stuff, she then said “excuse me love, can I use the toilet”
Then had a massive shit before leaving.
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When applying the two metre rule, Are we using male or female measurements?
Because there is quite a difference.
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It was my Dads funeral yesterday.
I’ve never organised a funeral before and there’s a lot of guilt and thoughts about wether your choices are what they would have wanted.
But it went beautifully and I hope that he would have been proud.
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@Worthingmumof2
A recluse man who owns a chocolate factory decides one day to invite several children to visit. All but one experience life changing accidents. The one that doesn’t inherits the factory and his elderly bedridden grandparents make a miraculous recovery.
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I forgot to watch Love Island,
that’ll be five years in a row now.
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Right, I have some good news.
It doesn’t affect you but it’s pretty good for me.
I’ve just been promoted at work.
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@magicfinbow
Don’t even get me started on Disney films.
They’re usually the same.
Fall in love after a brief encounter.
Usually have abandonment issues as they’re parents have often died in tragic accidents. Desperate for validation they will change themselves to marry a stranger.
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Sorry this is soppy:
It’s my daughters birthday on Sunday but we’re celebrating tomorrow as she’s spending Sunday with her Dad.
I try my hardest as a single parent, I don’t have a lot of money but I make sure she never goes without.
She’s a little treasure and I’m very proud.
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I attended my four year old‘s parents evening today.
I’m obviously very pleased with how well she is doing.
But I have to say the highlight,
was finding out that she’s started a rumour that the caretaker is indeed a pirate.
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I have an appointment at the Opticians this morning. Which means someone has the challenge of staring into my eyes for 30 minutes while trying not to fall in love with me.
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I was waiting in a queue earlier and this happened:
Man in queue: “Excuse me, your zip is undone, you want to be careful someone might slip their fingers in”
Me: “I should be so lucky”
Man in queue:
Me: *Goes to do zip up on jeans.
Yep, so he meant my handbag.
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Right, I’ve found an open mic night within in the next few weeks.
So I’m going to go along and attempt a bit of stand up.
Yeah, i might be fucking shockingly shite. But at least I can say I’ve tried.
#shittingmypants
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Standing in the road, because the pizza delivery guy can’t find your house.
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Im just here to remind those people that have given up their jobs to focus on zooming in on Kate Middleton pics full time.
Don’t forget to eat and stay hydrated.
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I’ll tell you what’s better than sex, when you go to cut wrapping paper but instead the scissors glide all the way through.
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For
#HelloYellow
day my daughter drew a minion on her T-shirt.
But when I picked her up from school she cried as her friends didn’t know what it was.
Please do me a favour and send her a little like to remind her that she’s awesome. Thank you x
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@ForeverKeogh
@janemoir7
A 12 year old boy makes a wish at a fair.The next day he wakes up as a full grown adult. He can’t change back straight away as the fair has moved on so he gets a job. One of the women there has a bit of a crush on him, unbeknown to her that she’s about to enter Gary Glitters gang
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If you’re feeling a bit low about yourself today and you need a little boost,
Just remember, someone voluntarily has sex with Boris Johnson.
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As awesome as Glastonbury looks, there’s too many people for my liking. I’d probably get blisters and I’m far too big to be sat on someone’s shoulders and far to paranoid that I’ll leave their neck smelling of ‘Eau De Fanny’.
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According to NASA there is a new star sign.
I heard they found it near Uranus.
#starsign
#ZodiacSigns
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@Frothy_boy
A couples car breaks down, thankfully there’s an eerie house for them to pop to. The night takes unusual twist when the residents of the house partake in some sexual activity. Before the ring leader whose trying to make himself a human sex toy goes on to murder meatloaf.
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A lot of things make me angry, the news, society, politics.
But the thing that enrages me the most, is when I walk through a doorway and my sleeve gets stuck on the handle.
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My daughter told me today that her Dad is getting married again.
I said “that’s nice, third time lucky”
And she replied “yeah, he must really like those big cakes”
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I accidentally went shopping hungry, which means that this evening, I’m dining on the entire Tesco’s Christmas party range.
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When you set up the new shredder at work (because you broke the last one) but then realise someone’s bought the one that doesn’t shred gingerbread men.
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What I see in the corner, when I have my hair tied back on a Teams Call.
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I haven’t trimmed my hair for awhile,
But I gave it a wash and a blow dry and now I have a magnificent bouffant.
So good, it seems a shame to put my pants back on and risk flattening it.
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This time three years ago I was at home alone, preparing for my wedding.
I also spent the morning of my wedding day by myself.
Here I am three years on, single and alone.
Things aren’t easy right now, but I think I can say I’m happy.
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Before I had my daughter, I had three miscarriages.
Two of which both happened on the 31st October.
They were heartbreaking days but you know what, I now have the most beautiful little girl.
So I’m very lucky.
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Last Christmas Day both my parents who had been separated for 28 years both visited me.
We spent a few hours together and they had a catch up.
I didn’t know then, but not only would that be my Dads last Xmas but it would also be the last time we’d all be in the same room together
My Dads visiting for a couple of hours today.
The last time I spent time with both my parents at Christmas was about 1993.
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Celebrating International Women’s Day with a pint and some peanuts, I might even flop a tit out.
#InternationalWomensDay
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Car insurance: yeah, it’s going to cost you shit loads more this year
Me: why, nothings changed?
Insurance: because we can
Me: I’ll leave, I’ve had a better quote anyway
insurance: No don’t, here’s £270 off and we’ll lower your excess
Me: Fine, but I’ll never trust you again
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I thought it would be nice to book a weekend at Pontins for my daughter.
But I’ve just arrived and I’ve made a massive mistake.
Thoughts and prayers needed.
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I haven’t washed my hands this much since I was fourteen and thought it was cool to smoke.
Oh and that weekend I ran out of batteries.
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Guess who had an interview this morning and was offered the deputy manager job?
This would be a really pointless tweet if it wasn’t me, right.
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My Daughter’s school have given her a bear to look after for half term. We have to take photos of all of his adventures this week.
I think it’s fair to say, he’s enjoyed his first day.
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Several years ago I played the Countdown board game.
My partner at the time, spelt a word completely wrong
and his Dad said
“that’s ok, we’ll let you have it”
I thought about this today and it still makes me angry.
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I wanted to go on the apprentice but
1)I look shit in a suit
2) I like to put the phone to my ear when I talk.
3) I’m not a wanker
#TheApprentice
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Public Notice:
Close your DM’s/ Mute Me
I’m home alone and about to get very drunk.
Apologies in advance.
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Thankfully for me, my New Years resolution was to stay inside, develop a drinking problem and wear more masks.
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Someone at work asked if they could slip something into my pigeon hole.
I was very flattered, but declined their offer.
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@MerPolMounted
@mrsmop68
@tetleyuk
Glad to see someone has finally found a purpose for the oversized sports direct mug.
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I asked my daughter what we should do today.
She said that we should go to softplay and then when we get back, I should hoover.
That’s me fucking told.
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Edward and Sophie being bumped up the line because none of the others could be arsed to attend The Royal Variety Performance.
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I’ve seen a lot of posts this week about people struggling.
The last few weeks have been tough and as I much as I try to stay positive I am finding it harder than usual.
Don’t be fooled by the smile, it’s just a front.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Thought it might help.
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Years ago at work, I took a young lady with learning disabilities to a cafe for breakfast, they said she could choose six items and she chose six sausages.
I’ve never respected someone so much. She’s still my hero.
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Is it possible for a woman to write a tweet, without a man trying to shove his cock into it?
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£3.99 I spent on one of those adult colouring books, there’s not a single cock in it.
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I’m not blemish free, big eyed and beautiful.
So fuck you snapchat filters making me into something I’m not... this is me
#NewProfilePic
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Don’t forget to prepare your BrexitEve boxes for the kids.
New pyjamas, tinned meat, anti depressants and hope.
#BrexitEve
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So I found out last year that dressing your child up as Jesus is not an acceptable choice for World Book Day.
Which was disappointing, as it took me ages to build that cross.
#WorldBookDay
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I’m going to be single this Valentine’s Day.
Which means i’ll just have to stop at the petrol station to buy my own card and bag of malteasers.
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Merry Christmas you big bunch of bellends.
This year has been crap and next year could be too.
But we’ll get through it.
But right now it’s Christmas, so go put some crisps in a bowl and let’s get this party started.
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Daughter: “mummy, you look different today”
Me: “I’ve put a dress on”
Daughter: “Do you think when you get to work, they’ll ask you why you’ve dressed as a bagpipe?”
Now, I can’t unsee it.
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I might pop down Tesco’s, I don’t need anything I just fancy a bit of a punch-up.
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@KathyBurke
Hope you left water, I attempted to eat one of these once without a drink I almost choked to death.
It was probably the feathers.
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Thanks to all the new followers that unfollowed
when they realised that I’m not going to answer their DM’s
or get naked for a packet of monster munch.
You’ll be missed.
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You can tell there’s not much happening when the commentators start having a bit of ‘turf chat’ like their on an episode of Gardners World.
#ENGSLO
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@bethanlaurenxx
A man on a bench sits with a box of chocolates on his lap. He’s there for a long time and despite not being asked he begins to tell strangers about his unusual and somewhat unbelievable life story.
They listen then tell him he doesn’t need to get a bus it’s just round the corner
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Can we maybe give the England players a hand by getting some people with those big foam fingers to stand behind the goal and point at it.
#ENGSLO
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When my Dad passed away a couple of weeks ago, the hospital gave me this little heart. The other, stayed with my Dad.
Today we went & had the heart popped into a bear for my nephew. They sadly never got to meet, so he’ll be embarking on his journey to New Zealand for cuddles.
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Today some men at the petrol station gave me a round of applause,
Not because of the job I do,
Because they watched me putting air in my tyre whilst wearing a short skirt.
It felt good to finally get the recognition I deserve.
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We recently heard Stephen Fry on the radio
He said how he had fallen from a stage & broke his leg
My 8 year old asked me who he was. So I explained that he was an actor & how he was a very intelligent individual
To which she replied
“Not clever enough to find his way of a stage”
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I’ve been for a walk in the woods, picked up a couple of blisters, a fly in my eye and a Labrador sniffed my crotch.
Just off to Asda now to complete this magical day.
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