Matthew Salacuse
@salacuse
Followers
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Following
207
Media
28
Statuses
727
I am a photographer. I wax philosophical, wax poetic and cold wax MC's who tend to act ill.
New York City
Joined September 2008
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ليفربول
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#オールスター感謝祭24秋
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#FBKINGDOMPROLOGUE
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Palace
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花火大会
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ブルーロック
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ケイくん
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服部幸應さん
• 26385 Tweets
料理評論家
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ヒロアカ
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料理学校
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フブちゃん
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#CRYLIV
• 22454 Tweets
織田裕二
• 19936 Tweets
トガちゃん
• 18229 Tweets
Jota
• 16616 Tweets
#踊る大捜査線
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Partey
• 12887 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Instead of throwing out my junk I am going to wrap them in FedEx boxes and leave them on my stoop for porch pirates to deal with
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Hey
@Lin_Manuel
I photographed your beautiful momma for
@AARP
She was sick that whole day but she put on a great show anyway!
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A story I wrote about my 17 hour photo shoot with DMX for
@GQMagazine
We talked God, we shot pool, ran from the cops and had the time of my life
What it was like to hang out with DMX for 17 hours straight in Miami:
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I directed a comedy special for
@sammorril
on the rooftops of NYC during a pandemic. When you are done with your family Zoom, watch this to try and forget about it
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@sammorril
was interviewed on Good Morning America about the stand-up roof special I directed for him !
Comedian
@sammorril
came up with a creative way to keep performing his stand-up during the pandemic
#upontheroof
#GMA3
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You want to do some real altruism? Find a car from 2008 or earlier that has a ticket on the windshield; pick it and pay it and don’t tell anyone. Your good deed will be its own reward.
Unrelated, I’m parked on 48th between 9th and 10th
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Every PR agent to their client the morning after the Met Gala: you absolutely stole the show
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You’re not an official New Yorker until you have at least 16 soy sauce packets in your utensil drawer
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I directed a skit with one of the funniest straight-men in the business
@JoeListComedy
It’s called The Shoe Shine and
@gregstone_
plays a guy who wants to do everything except shine your shoes
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These are the same guys who a year earlier said “walls work!”
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This marks the moment where all my “Apple Memories from 1 year ago” are just me sitting in my apartment
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A new poll shows that 15%, 20% and 25% of Americans think tipping culture is out of control
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I don’t care what music you 25 year olds are enjoying,
@PostMalone
or
@DaBabyDaBaby
; in 35 years this music will be used to sell you arthritis cream and d!ck pills
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I’m going to open a 80s themed souvenir store and I’ll call it “Joanie love tchotchkes”
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How can I avoid touching my face when all the news is like 🤦🏻♂️
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I was not made for these times. I just spent 15 minutes trying to forward someone money through the Vimeo App
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Does Aquaman eat fish? And if so, does he hear their pleas for mercy beforehand?
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I’m seeing a lot of “7 years sober” this week; WTF was going on in Christmas 2016?
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Fast & Furious 11: at The Olive Garden
When You’re Here, You’re Family
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You say you love animals? Oh yeah? What’s your pet’s first name then?
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In light of the Othani scandal, Mookie Betts is rethinking the title of his book about the sport called:
Mookie Betts On Baseball
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Remember in the pre-Trump era when a legit scandal was
@ArianaGrande
licking a donut at a donut shop and leaving without paying for it?
#VMAs
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People are upset about the age difference in the love story of Licorice Pizza but I never heard a word about the 42 year old woman dating 11 year old Tom Hanks in Big
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To properly administer the Covid-19 vax you need two registered nurses. One to give you the shot and one to take your selfie
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Real ass question of the week: when Martin Scorsese watches Goodfellas is he nostalgic for the 70s or for 1990 when he made it?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but starting a Tweet with “I don’t know who needs to hear this” is lazy
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How the fuck did I live long enough to get older than Lauryn Hill??
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The new generation of Hollywood directors are different. I just heard a director yell action with “it’s lit” and cut with “I’m off this!”
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I hurt my brain coming up with this tweet; but we live in a post Post Malone world
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The driver asked if I was good with the AUX and I said “yeah, I went to AuxFord.”
He said “get out”
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Remember, if you are flying today, to arrive at the airport at least 15 minutes before your flight
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Most hipster thing I overheard today: I like Elvis, but only his gospel stuff
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If you refer to “deli” as a place to get snacks and not a style of food, I can’t fuck with you
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It's going to be confusing in 40 years trying to decipher which buildings Trump's name is on in his honor and which he paid to have it there
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Armie: what’s my salary for this movie?
Agent: an arm and a leg
Armie: I’ll take it
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Posting pics of your life on Instagram is like only taking about your gambling winnings
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When I am eating and people tell me "it's not a race", they are usually losing
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Week 8: I am looking forward for this quarantine to be over so I can get back to social distancing again
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Goal for 2016: open a 24 hour fast food Indian joint called "Naan Stop"
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I know you are about to run a 26 mile marathon so I thought I would set the clock back an hour too for laughs -The Devil
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Who needs flowery metaphors when you can just say AF when trying to tell people what something is like
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If your story starts with "you had to be there," stop telling it right away
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My wife’s love language is “can you call my phone, it’s lost in the house somewhere?”
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Part of living my truth is not buttoning the duvet cover they way they want you to
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If you remember waking up to the sound of metal snow shovels scraping up the first snow of the year, you are old as dirt
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On Instagram you should be able to block any pictures taken with the forward facing camera
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Goal for 2019: Start a rap career under the name Mustache Rides then get arrested and start the hashtag
#FreeMustacheRides
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The last time “the Suez Canal was backed up” there was a toilet paper shortage around here too
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Trump to renegotiate the 'penny for your thought' deal, saying "my thoughts worth more than a penny"
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God help us on Twitter the day that the actor who played Bernie in Weekend At Bernie’s dies
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Can
@simonpegg
please make an American zombie parody where 40% of the nation takes no precautions because they think it’s a hoax?
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Trump comes out against Wounded Warriors Foundation saying that he prefers his warriors not wounded. Sad!
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I now under stand the law about not having to testify against your wife; because we talk SO much shit about people
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It occurs to me that an alibi that starts with “I was watching Shark Tank” will hold up in court because it is ALWAYS on
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Congrats to Seattle on getting a new hockey franchise. I declare that they name the stadium The SoundGarden
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Joke I just wrote that is 42 years past it’s due date: When I was a kid we were so broke that my TV only had “Laverne or Shirley”
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Me explaining the phenomenon of dumb people overstating their understanding of things that they don’t understand to my wife without knowing the name of the syndrome is peak something-or-other
#DunningKrugerEffect
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If you don’t think WWE wrestling is hard then a dare you to try a 30 second taunting bit. I bet you won’t get past “tell you what brother”
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Parenting has got me all fucked up. It’s got me saying stuff like “being good is it’s own reward.” I don’t even know what that means!
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“I don’t mean to brag, I don’t mean to boast but I like hot butter on breakfast toast” May be one of the biggest rap flexes of all time by
@sugarhillgang
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In 30 years I will tell people in 2017 we waited in long lines for hamburgers and they will ask: "was there a food shortage or something?"
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There was an exact cut off when I turned 30 of my willingness to have a conversation with the person sitting next to me on any plane
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Remember our problems before this were like: how can a banana taped to a wall be art?
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The Vatican should start allowing tithing virtually. I would like to suggest The Papal PayPal
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In honor of the new Trump administration, last night I turned the clock back to the 1950s
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Since Alamo car rental is so far down the rental line I suggest this for their next ad campaign: Remember The Alamo
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The Denver Omelet can easily be over done with too many ingredients; it is an exact science which proves the existence of God
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Merry Christmas everybody. And to my Jewish friends; Drek the halls with boughs of challah
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If they made Grease today it would be about a bunch of high school kids in 1996 singing Get Money by The Junior Mafia
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What were my brother and I possibly talking about in the backseat of my grandparents car that they would offer us 25 cents to shut up.
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You know you're old when you don't like an SNL cast and you are ok with waiting for them to cycle out
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I liked stealing music more when it involved stuffing things down your pants
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When I go to a party my cheese intake jumps to 30x what I have eaten that whole month prior
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Matt Gaetz pronounces his last name “Gates” so I hereby suggest his upcoming sex scandal be called Gaetz-Gate.
I will see my self out
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Trump presidency signified by the 5 Horseman Of The Apocalypse. Because 5 horseman is more tremendous than 4
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Idea for 2018: Start a Tom Petty and Johnny Cash cover band called Petty Cash
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In the interest of Making America Great Again I suggest we get rappers to talk about their SoundScan numbers in their raps again
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I just ordered so much Chinese food for myself that the restaurant put 4 forks in the bag. I am going to die of MSG poisoning and alone
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