Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Me: *fist pumping* Stranger: let go

Me: *knocking on a peanut butter jar like a glass ketchup bottle for hours* Come on Wife: *giving me one last tearful look as she steps out the door forever*

Wife: What are you eating? Me: [eating a potato that I peeled like a banana] panana

𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐨𝐧 As in I’m dragon everyone else down with me

Odysseus: [tying me to the mast as a siren deterrent] Me: I bet Jason and the Argonauts say “Fleece Navidad” at Christmas Odysseus: That’ll do it

Fidel Castro going into the UN

You know how our phones have a hard time taking a picture of another screen? And you know how you can’t take a good picture of the moon? Ain’t no way that’s a space rock.

Why is popcorn the only socially acceptable food to eat like a crazed monkey scooping out the insides of a coconut? We should broaden the list

My two year old running in with his 9th pack of fruit snacks

I fear the only thing keeping my wife from divorcing me is my persistent threat to retain custody of her Stanley cups.

Good people: That’s a vase Awful folk: Tis a vahhhhhhhhzzzzzee

Me: when you lose a tooth you put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy! Son: what do you do when you lose your sense of wonder? Me:

Too many circumstances and not enough pomp

Guard 1: One of us always lies and one of us always tells the truth Guard 2: That shirt looks dumb on you and I hate it. You also look like the kind of guy that still thinks he can play football. Me: Oh. I’m guessing he tells the tru- Guard 1: *sigh* yeah you can go through

Fortune Cookie: Stop boiling your bacon Me: Ha never *flips fortune over* Fortune: Then we have no choice.

Dad what was it like watching Aragorn say, “For Frodo” in theaters?

Friend: Who ate all of the Nerd Clusters? Me:

Gonna start doing this to wasps nests

Me: I’m excited for the bears this year Friend: Yeah! They’ve made lots of big trades and their draft shou- Me: Hope those scary beasts get to eat a bunch of salmon and berries

Yeah right I shaved everything but my moustache