Four years ago, American women were still in binders. Today, one could be president. What a time to be alive. #ElectionDay #Vote2016

Finally some offense from Michael Bradley - an assist for Portugal. #WorldCup

@JacksAbby What is the ABV% for Jack's Evil Brew? Don't see it on the bottles or listed anywhere online.

In light of last night's questionable decision making, apple pie has just been promoted to tonight's dinner. Congratulations to apple pie.

Drunk Matt just ate all of the Thanksgiving leftovers that Sober Matt was going to have for dinner tomorrow.

@RickSantorum I doubt he follows you, so he probably won't see this.

@tonyrobbins do you think "i will not go to the bathroom until i finish this" is a bad idea for a motivational tool?

gone to a key party. FMW #FML

drinking the cheapest wine in oslo.

watching cheers.

saw svarte greiner for free at the garage. later, manned a viking ship.

last night there was a metal band covering 99 luftballoons somewhere in the woods behind the apartment.

why is jed lowrie on the all-star ballot?/i just wrote in david ortiz to play shortstop in the all-star game.

forgot i was watching espn deportes. mlb ticker scrolled and was confused as to why tom glavine would release statement to press in spanish.

i just shook a campaigning senatorial republican's hand by mistake.

nothing should ever be in print.

it's 4.21am.