Rob Gotobed
@robgotobed
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Stand-up philosopher. "Hurry! Once I'm gone, I'm gone!" Previously one half of Grammy award winning duo Simon & Garfunkel. Rep'd by @haltheduck 🇬🇧🇺🇸🇯🇵
Strawberry Tump, Cricklewood, England.
Joined July 2010
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My latest book ‘The Canyons Of Rob Gotobed's Overactive Mind’ is out now! Available in paperback, eBook and audiobook. "Candid and brilliantly funny, this is a page-turning comedy book in the best tradition of British humor." Jimmy Fallon 2023
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The girlfriend just asked me, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the bedroom floor?" ….I said, "It's a dead Jedi!!"
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Today reminds me of the day I went on a safari. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to survive on but just food and water!
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Had a great time last night at Sudeley Castle’s Spectacle of Light. Well done to all those involved and a big shout out to all those who recognised me and came and said hello!
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The lost black and white classic Ingmar Bergman film, “The Seventh Muppet” has recently been restored and remastered. The film depicts the violence and the struggle of modern life through a game of chess played between a disillusioned Kermit The Frog and the figure of Death.
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Brilliant! My favorite Christmas show ‘When KISS Saved Christmas!’ is on tonight.
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Oh, come on? Really? Why would you bring a bottle of moonshine whiskey to my house when you know I'm addicted to building ships in bottles?
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Cooked my first Japanese meal today. I cooked mushroom gyozas and chicken yaki udon noodles with a soy and ginger dip sauce. Delicious!!
今日は初めての日本食を作りました。 きのこ餃子と鶏焼きうどんをしょうが醤油で作りました。 美味しい！！
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Just about to set sail on the ocean waves to do some book promotion for my latest comedy book. By the way, I have no idea where I got the inspiration for the design of this boat!
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Today I phoned Mario Bros Plumbing to come and fix my toilet. They arrived in good time but just jumped in my toilet and disappeared. Didn't make any attempt to fix it! 0 out of 10 stars!!
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WAITER: Sir, do you have any allergies we should know about?
ROB: Yes, I have an allergy to peanuts.
CHARLIE BROWN: Let's go, Snoopy. It’s obvious we’re not welcome here.
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Sorry I’m late tweeting today but I got told off for blocking the blowhole on Ed Sheeran’s inflatable dolphin.
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I’d forgotten how young I look in this picture.
この写真では自分がどれだけ若く見えるか忘れていました。
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Need to poop in a hurry? Then you need my new breakfast cereal, ‘Gotobed’s Cap’n Colon’ which is now available with extra Green Laxative Chunks!!
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True Fact! Whenever a rock musician smashes their guitar on stage it's because they saw a spider.
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Just found out that my copy of The Beatles Abbey Road Album is a fake. Can’t believe I never noticed the mistake before.
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Stand Up not going too well. Thinking of going in a different direction.
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Why does the line in the Christmas carol 'O Little Town of Bethlehem', "No ear may hear his coming", always remind me of Deadpool?!?
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I wish there was an app where I could point my phone at someone and find out exactly how much money they earn.
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I remember the day I put so much gasoline in my car I couldn't get in it!
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Just watched the weirdest Battle of Waterloo reenactment ever!
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After another tragic accident, I am regretfully abandoning my dream of flying in a cold-air balloon.
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Just been confirmed as the writer/director of the new Paddington 3 movie. I intend to go in a new direction and combine my love of Paddington Bear with films with epic battle scenes. So, ‘Paddington the Bravehat!’ should be in cinemas at Christmas 2023!
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Here is the undisputed truth that The Beatles were in fact the first Jedi, tasked by the Galactic Republic to be the guardians of love, peace and music!
ビートルズが愛と平和と音楽の守護者としての任務を負った最初のジェダイだったという議論の余地のない真実!
＃スターウォーズ
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Here are some of the funny translations I have seen during my recent comedy tours.
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Today I am very sad, the saddest I’ve been since George Lucas rejected my demo for a new title song for The Last Jedi. Apparently, my song ‘Star Wars (What Are They Good For? Huh, Yeah. Absolutely Nothing, Say It Again!) Might have been misinterpreted in a negative way.
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I've been doing experiments with rats and cocaine in my science lab. One rat has started choosing it over food, while another has started a PR agency, and a third has started campaigning to become the next President of the USA!
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This year’s big Christmas movie is the NEW Rob Gotobed film, ‘Carry On Barbie!’
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If you want to enjoy sky diving without the danger, then why not do what I do, and zoom in on Google Earth really, really fast!!
危険を冒さずにスカイダイビングを楽しみたいですか？ それでは、私と同じように、Google Earth を本当に、本当に速く拡大してみませんか!!
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This week’s new ‘Rob Gotobed Word’ is ‘Scrotum’ (noun) – the only must-have bag for men!!
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My idea of the perfect bachelor pad is the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. One Big chair and a giant Ultra HD screen. That’s why Star Trek is the ultimate male fantasy. It’s no wonder aliens were always beaming on board, because Kirk was the only one with the big screen.
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Remember the time I hypnotized Paul McCartney into thinking he was the Hulk! ロブがポール・マッカートニーに催眠術をかけ、自分がハルクだと思わせた時のことを思い出してください!
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Just been to the weirdest re-enactment of the Roman invasion of Britain ever!
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Buzzy my favourite pet bee has gone missing! If you see him please get in contact.
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Remember those less fortunate than you! Kids who graduated Hogwarts this summer are facing the worst wizard job market in living memory. ハリーポッター。 ホグワーツ。
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Watch Robert Plant while Roger Waters.
The all-new Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd gardening show!
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My brother has come up with a unique way to avoid touching his face.
#standuptocoronavirus
#staysafe
#StayHomeSaveLives
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Great-grandfather and great-grandmother Gotobed standing next to the sculpture my great-grandmother made in her husband’s honour.
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My grandmother, great-grandmother and great-grandmother’s sister. Just in case you’re wondering where I got my sense of humour from.
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After the critical success of the movie ‘Nomadland’ which was written, produced, edited and directed by Chloé Zhao, Chloé is hoping to have similar success with her next film project: Paddington Bear Nopantsland!
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Role playing during sex can be extremely arousing! The trouble is, when something goes wrong and then you have to have a relationship talk dressed as Buzz Lightyear.
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Remember how The Beatles used to look before they had their eye correction surgery.
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Even when visiting Disneyland, The Beatles never broke stride.
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Thanks to everyone who came to see me at the
@TheComedyStore
in LA and for making it one of the best gigs of my career. The great thing about being a comic is that at night you get to play some amazing comedy clubs but during the day, you get to act as a kid and go to Disneyland.
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I guess even Mr Potato Head can gain a few pounds over Christmas.
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It’s a little known fact, but Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr still cross the road at Abbey Road studios every day at noon. (Except Bank Holidays)
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Winston Churchill giving my great-grandfather some good advice!
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Male members of the Gotobed family pose for the camera after their annual attempt to swim the English Channel in 1897. Top hats were compulsory!
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My grandmother always feels bad when a bird slams head first into her patio doors. Mind you, if she really felt that bad she would move the bird feeder table outside.
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Finally, I can now reveal why The Beatles were crossing Abbey Road in 1969. It was to get the first “Apple”🍏cell phones!
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Here is the undisputed truth that The Beatles were in fact the first Jedi, tasked by the Galactic Republic to be the guardians of love, peace and music!
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If you want to enjoy sky diving without the danger, then why not do what I do, and zoom in on Google Earth really, really fast!!
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Brilliant! My favorite Christmas show ‘When KISS Saved Christmas!’ is on tonight.
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A lot of people still don’t realise that The Beatles never actually crossed the zebra crossing in front of Abbey Road Studios. The photo was photoshopped from this original picture of The Beatles attending their local Sunday school nature walk in 1968.
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I got drunk last night and ate half of my kid's gingerbread house. Does anyone know a good gingerbread contractor?
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I don’t know who is worse, the people who sign their pets names on Christmas cards, or the pets who refuse to sign.
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I once tickled Led Zeppelin's lead singer Robert Plant just as he was about to sing at a private dinner. I regretted it for a long time as he’s only spoken to me once since that night. But I'm glad now. He needed it.
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Today I am very sad, the saddest I’ve been since George Lucas rejected my demo for a new title song for The Last Jedi. Apparently, my song ‘Star Wars (What Are They Good For? Huh, Yeah. Absolutely Nothing, Say It Again!) Might have been misinterpreted in a negative way.
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My girlfriend hates it when I give her a Christmas/birthday combination gift! But hey, that’s what she gets for being born in May.
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I went to visit the monkeys at my local zoo today. Well, after all, they did evolve from us.
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It's a real shame that Steven Spielberg never shouted "cut" and Harrison Ford is still running away from that giant boulder.
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I spotted this old geezer looking through the classic rock section in my local record shop. He’s probably never even heard of Led Zeppelin!
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Just been confirmed as the writer/director of the new Paddington 3 movie. I intend to go in a new direction and combine my love of Paddington Bear with films with epic battle scenes. So, ‘Paddington the Braveheart’ should be in cinemas at Christmas 2022!
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Why is it that the Police never seem to like it when I ask them if they need any help? Especially when I’m dressed as Captain Funky Trunks!
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My grandpa ‘Beelzebub Gotobed’ is always complaining that the younger generation never show the older generation any respect! Well, just to prove him wrong, here is my grandpa enjoying a special dish of his favourite steak and chips which I cooked for him.
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One of my sister’s kids has just brought me two bottles of bourbon and said, "Here's your Christmas juice Uncle Rob," and now she's the one I'm leaving everything to.
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Remember the time I hypnotised Paul McCartney into thinking he was the Hulk!
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As the official Court Jester to Her Majesty The Queen, I am sometimes called on to perform for the Queen at very short notice. But it is always a pleasure!
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My great-grandfather, Reginald Gotobed, being randomly selected to be the next King of England.
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"Hello, this is your captain speaking. I am sorry to inform you that I have fallen out of the airplane, lol. But hey, very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset though!”
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Jack Daniels whiskey helping rock bands see magical Leprechauns since 1875!
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Awoken last night by a commotion coming from the bathroom. When I went to investigate I could not believe my eyes. I bet Andy from ‘Toy Story’ never had this trouble.
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I like to show everyone I'm a big shot by marching into McDonald’s and shouting, "Send me your burger menu option with the most melted cheese and pickled gherkins. Money is no obstacle!"
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Did you know that in 2017 a Vincent Van Gogh painting sold for $81.3 million. All the more remarkable when you think that Vincent Van Gogh didn’t sell a single painting during his lifetime. Mind you, at those prices I’m not surprised!
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My great-grandmother would have survived the sinking of the Titanic if she hadn’t spent three hours looking for a non-smoking lifeboat.
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I was 27 before I realised the girl I called sister was a puppet. My evil stepmother created her because she said I wasn’t funny enough.
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Do you want to give yourself something to look forward to in the morning? Text your girlfriend, "I think you owe me an apology💩💩💩!!!" then turn off your phone and go to bed.
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Played the amazing
@GothamComedy
last night. After 26 shows in 18 cities this is becoming my favourite tour ever. I have had some truly magical moments, like the time I spontaneously combusted in the MIDDLE of my act. Maybe I should have filmed that one for a Netflix special?
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Day 37 of my journey via the "Silly" route to play
@TheComedyStore
and to make my second appearance on
@FallonTonight
. Today before appearing at the Tokyo Comedy Store I spent the day at the Toto Toilet Museum. And believe me when I say I was truly flushed away by the experience!
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Ringo Starr shows John Lennon the correct way to fart in public, according to the Rob Gotobed Book on English Etiquette.
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I see that Segway has ended production of its original two-wheeler, Personal Transporter. Mind you, it’s easy to forget how long the Segway has been around!
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Look what those awfully nice people at Little Tikes Cozy Coupes presented me with for my birthday. I’m treating it like a NEW toy.
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Bought my girlfriend a pair of classy stiletto shoes for her birthday. I still have no idea why she broke up with me.
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