ret
@rad_milk
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uncle by marriage, hater by choice
Los Angeles, CA
Joined May 2009
when someone offers me a scrumptious morsel, you know i’m on my “don’t mind if i do” type shit.
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babies are like oh fuck yes dry cheerios in a zip lock bag holy shit this rules.
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check your kids halloween candy. my cousin found the assassination of archduke franz ferdinand in sarajevo by serbian nationalist gavrilo princip inside a snickers bar
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BOSS: are you smoking weed here at work.ME: relax it’s sativa you dumbass. you fucking moron.
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thinking about spelling porno like “porneaux” to sound fancier. like get this: i’m jaquing off to porneaux.
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what if you added the letters S and E to the X files hahha. it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lmao.
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DATE: so tell me something about yourself.ME: i am older than every dog.
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my mom got me this loose leaf tea infuser that’s a little man who sits in your cup and has diarrhea
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every time taco bell comes out with a new menu creation i gently shake my head and chuckle softly "taco bell you've done it again".
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if you wear glasses you have to cuss a lot so people know you aren't a nerd.
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[2068 AD].DAD: son last night your grandmother was canceled.SON: nana took an L???.DAD: click hear to pay $4.99 to view funeral without ads.
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why was i late? um maybe because of my six step anti aging mens skincare moisturization regimen you idiot. you fucking moron.
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BERNIE: what should i wear for the inauguration .WIFE: how about that jacket you wore for the meme.BERNIE: ok
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JIM CARREY: that adolf hitler guy, lemme tell ya, he sure was a goofball.JAYDEN HITLER: now you hold on a damn minute sir.
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if you donate your body to science youre a nerd. im donating my body to football.
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if i’m in the hot tub and somebody starts to put carrots and onions in there i’m getting the fuck out. i saw the bugs bunny episode when they did that to him.
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in the 90s people were always worried about if there’s anchovies on pizza. i feel like that’s not really a big concern anymore.
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when you drink a red gatorade your pee comes out clear. so all the red stays in your body. this is what makes your blood the color it is.
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we should actually be paying double the rent because we’re staying inside so much.
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gave my cat lasagna and she didn’t give a fuck. that garfield is full of shit
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every gen z outfit is just 37 year olds fashion in 1994. lol nice slacks tim allen.
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a guy who only posts pics of his car unfollowed me on instagram after he commented "you are mentally ill" on a picture i posted of a golf ball i wrote "tennis" on.
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1973: smokin in the boys room.2018: vapin in the gender neutral restroom.
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uber driver showed up without a car. just told me to hop on. dude gave me a piggyback ride all the way to the 7 eleven. five stars.
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twitter in 2012: dubstep is gay.twitter in 2022: it’s racist to eat chinese food.
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burger king carefully adding one single onion ring to your order of fries
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WEED CLERK: would you like an indica or a sativa.ME: uhhh (trying to remember the word Hybrid) lemme get the uhh non binary.
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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i would have to say my absolute best quality is that i don't pretend to be affiliated with any hogwarts houses.
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ME: my grandma died and i am very sad.THEM: actually she did a bad thing before so you aren’t allowed to be sad.ME: you’re right. i’ve never thought about it this way before. i’m glad my grandma is dead now.
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horses are one of the only known mammals to have their own type of radish.
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im watching pawn stars the show where the fat men are eachothers dads.
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sucks for santa claus that even though he’s immortal he has to live as an old ass fat ass bitch forever.
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earlier i identified something as Goals but upon further ivestigation i realized it was actually a Mood. and for this, i apologize.
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before rapping was invented people thought you could only sing or talk. they didn’t know there was a third thing.
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water.
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this scene from dawson’s creek is funnier than any comedy that could ever be written
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women are wild, they’ll straight up ask a store employee where something is, it’s crazy.
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i can’t help but feel somewhat responsible for some of the stuff that i do.
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not to sound like a nerd who knows science or whatever but the ocean is technically soup.
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DAD: grandma died.ME: dam she took an L lol.DAD: what.ME: whats good fam.
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WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy.ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume.
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when my grandfather was sick in bed i would shave his legs for him. he didn't want me to but i did it still.
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady.
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growing up i knew this kid down the street whose family didn't celebrate toyotathon.
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