hurricane evaculucy
@proofrawk
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ncf folks, if you ever have a dime to spare for Steph, she's in dire straights & giving herself heat stroke panhandling. I just sent $50, if anyone cares to match the St. Lucy Charitable Foundation for Wayward Novo Collegians contribution. 🎐
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email was a mistake. we shouldn’t be able to communicate this quickly. if my husband died at Gettysburg, that's not my business until next spring.
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me, age 105, gesticulating recklessly so my martini is sloshing around, being interviewed for a documentary called "The Last of of the Millennials": what you have to understand is, by 2021, we were all quite exhausted
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"what if your mother had aborted you?" well, I wouldn't be around to hear that stupid fucking question, would I?
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all I want is a big, strong man to throw me onto the bed, put his hand over my mouth, and whisper "listen to me: this whole place is bugged. there is a fake passport under the floorboards & a plane waiting to take you to Montevideo. I'll meet you at the embassy in 3 days."
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my neighbors are setting off fireworks in what I can only assume to be a celebration of the 44 BC assassination of Julius Caesar 🎇
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love when the job interviewer asks if you're familiar with Microsoft Office. no, but I'm intrigued! tell me more.
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"Every Sagittarius should be in therapy." 😩
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"just be yourself" is great advice if you're a likable, attractive person who makes good decisions
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@jzux
OkCupid used to! the number of 30something males whose age range was "18-[their own age]" was staggering.
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my grandfather: if I die on D-Day, tell my wife I love her
my father: if I have to wear a face mask in Chili's, I will shit my pants
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my graduation from New College of Florida was one of the better days of my life & this picture of my father catching me by surprise as I walked off the stage captured one of the happiest moments I've ever experienced. my hair is still spinning, my father is so proud, I'm so happy
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trying to follow a skincare routine with more than 10 steps
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me on a first date: so on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you fear accountability for your own actions?
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do you goddamn FREAKS understand that not only CAN I see what you "like," I am often FORCED to see it, and that I was just made to see Gandalf with enormous photoshopped titties??? and for what? what did THAT accomplish? I am begging you to behave differently. it is a Thursday.
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I don't "do" my hair, my hair is just something that happens to me
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girls be like "I'm a feral bog witch" and then shop at Target
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banned from multiple baby name forums for commenting to tell parents I knew someone with their baby's name in middle school and she was a bitch
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the "Internet" keeps me stimulated like a 1970s lab rat receiving her little pellets
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I just texted my father that I'm going to send my stimulus money to someone in China just to undermine the American economy by $600 and now he's calling me
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here's the original for anyone missing a very angry they/them kitty!
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Zizek is a philosopher for bimbos & I should not need to explain what exactly I mean by that
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I mentioned to my ex that "Video Games" by Lana del Rey resonates with a lot of young women who find themselves pretending to be someone else for male approval, and he said "but YOU like watching ME play video games, right?" and I said "of course I do."
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don't ask me how I am. it's not my job to educate you.
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boomer moms will be like "my fat ugly bitch of a daughter has always struggled with her self-esteem"
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there should be a social media platform where you're not allowed to post. you just open the app and shut the fuck up.
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"baker" is the most conspiratorial profession. they have special quantities (13???) and work under the cover of darkness. something's up.
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a little boy just came up to me at the front desk and said, very quietly, "today I ate a bug and it didn't taste like anything."
I didn't know what to say, so I asked what kind of bug.
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eating the edible: ah, time to relax
2 hours later: Hurricane Katrina was my fault
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every time I read "1/8 tsp," I think "that is not a real amount of something"
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getting hit by a 2011 Toyota Corolla at 75mph would kill a Victorian child
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one time in Uniqlo I asked a girl if they had pea coats and she said "I don't work here" so I apologized, turned around, spotted another woman and asked the same question and she didn't work there either so I just left
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me at 9pm: time to drink some herbal tea, get in bed early, and have a good night's sleep!
me at 2am, 46 Wikipedia articles deep: I have solved the JonBenét Ramsey murder and I must contact the FBI before I forget
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some fish flops its ass onto dry land and 400 million years later, I have a Firestone credit card. what a fucking disaster.
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one time someone told me she was from Romania and asked if I knew where that was and I said "yeah, it kinda looks like a fish, right?" and then she was mean to me for like 2 years
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I have a Mischief Bucket List that includes gaslighting a man into believing I've never heard of Batman
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dear Chick-fil-A drive-thru employee: I am sorry that when you confirmed that I did not want a beverage, I gestured at the water bottle in my cupholder and said "I'm on a hydration journey." I truly do not know what is the matter with me.
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really heartening to see how close we're getting! maybe today's the day? SNOWBALL EFFECT, LET'S GOOOO
friends🙏🫶🏻 We greatly appreciate your continued support to make our campaign a success.🙏 Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your kindness Dear loyal people🙏💕🫶🏻🌹, we have more than 10,000 friends. If 1000 kind friends🙏🫶🏻help us donate $4, the goal to save me, my
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I just took an edible and messaged my ex "go be bisexual somewhere else" and he's been typing for 2 minutes, so this should be a Sunday to remember!
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"my [22F] boyfriend [35M] (together 3 years) never helps me with housework, even though he has long hair and voted for Bernie Sanders"
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if you could pick the director of the moon landing hoax, who would you pick? personally, I'd love a Wes Anderson moon landing.
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imagining myself getting murdered like "investigators noted that the victim's apartment, although small, was cozy, and had been recently vacuumed"
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forcing zoomers to watch HBO's controversial hit series Sex and the City (1998-2004), holding their eyeballs open with my own hands as they beg me to stop, hissing "this is what we used to watch"
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sex toys work better when they were gifts from men who have since blocked your number
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Pinterest is a fucking fortress. let me copy the funny picture, for Christ's sake.
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if I am not the hottest woman at Tire Kingdom, I will leave, and I will go to a different Tire Kingdom, and this pattern will continue as long as it has to
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the Internet is an amazing place because at any moment you might get a surprisingly insightful explanation of the Iran-Contra scandal from someone with a username like "diarrhea_trombone420"
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make one wrong move cleaning a cast iron skillet and in 7 days a bearded man from Portland crawls out of your TV to kill you with it
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are you a woman? well, you may be entitled to compensation
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me, collapsing elegantly onto a divan from the stress of trying to find a bisexual husband with a 4.5-inch dick who travels 6 months out of the year and never questions my spending habits: gracious, my nerves are shot
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when it comes to El*n M*sk (derogatory) I literally cannot differentiate between parody and reality. I see screencaps and I truly can't tell. could go either way.
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not only am I WILLING to die on this hill, I WANT to die on it. I am literally BEGGING FOR DEATH on this hill.
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I accidentally clicked on the button to buy cr*pto ONE time, and now Venmo emails me twice a day to see what they can do to convince me to buy fantasy coins from men's rights activists
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the universe provides supervillain-level problems and no superheroes to solve them. why the fuck am *I* wondering "how can I save Kabul..."??? I barely have a checking account, much less an Iron Man suit.
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"Felony" would be a cute baby name if it didn't mean what it means
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I JUST SMISHED ONE OF THE KITTENS IN THE FRIDGE DOOR AND AS I WAILED "I'M SORRY, BABY!" I HEARD A SPLASH FROM THE BATHROOM AND HER SISTER HAD FALLEN INTO THE TOILET!! I AM AN UNFIT MOTHER; SEND ME TO ABSOLUTE JAIL!!!
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Christianity's biggest marketing obstacle is that Sins are often fun, sensual, and lucrative
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an entire generation of young men and women watched Zach Braff and Natalie Portman in Garden State (2004) and said "that's a good idea. I'll be like that now."
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*you* couldn't make Blazing Saddles today. *you* couldn't. you have no funding or talent.
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sorry sweetie, but MY cursed portrait never ages. because I don't sin. so...can't relate!!!!
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shoutout to my most recent basil plant. you almost made it, girl! I'll figure it out eventually!!!!
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I miss the days when men thought about sex every 7 seconds. now all they care about is Content.
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for the record, I have no "career goals." my goal is to not have a "career."
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I have eaten
the wheelbarrow
that was beside
the white chickens
and which
you probably
needed
for something
forgive me
I love eating wheelbarrows
hnaghahgrg
zrrrrrrr
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if you come to my goddamn house, and my goddamn cat stretches, and you don't say "that was a BIG stretch!" with sufficient enthusiasm, I hit you with a goddamn hammer
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I met a new person yesterday and spoke to her for 12 minutes, so now she knows I have a crippling phobia of bridges and a bad relationship with my mother
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I miss quarantine. I miss having something else to blame.
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I'm a simple girl. I like ravioli and hummingbirds and Epcot, and if my boyfriend is busy for more than 40 minutes, I go totally fucking insane.
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@nicolebyer
one time I accidentally ended a phone call with my boss with "okay, love you" and he just said "love you too" 😭
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yes, I was an English major. no, I don't really understand what "irony" is. yes, I see the irony (I think).
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due to personal reasons, I will be reverting back into a weird 11-year-old girl, assigning mystical powers to pretty little trinkets, and creating an elaborate world of fantasy and magic within my own head. thank you for understanding.
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having a degree in Literature should be considered a disability
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all six hundred of my silly little stimulus dollars are going toward idiot bimbo shit and I'd love to see the government or God try to stop me
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a bullet point on my grocery list reads "look at steak." not ready to commit yet, just seeing what's out there.
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shoutout to the ex who broke up with me by saying "go see if the losers on OkCupid treat you better," bc guess what? they didn't.
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my sister asked why there is an unopened sleeve of crackers in my bed, which, first of all: not your business. but also: it's pretty fucking obvious that I anticipated the desire for Night Ritz, but fell asleep before it manifested.
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