RT @pleas4nt: Alzheimers Ray Liotta: ever since I can remember, I always wanted to know what was gonna be for lunch

I know there's problems with the stat and I'm sure if you think about it long enough it makes sense, but kind of surprising that Gretzky with 1000 more points than anybody else isn't even really within spitting distance on +/-. how many goals against was he on for??

Trump going senile and he starts talking in coherent sentences

Bro donate to your local station in penance rn

This is just called "karaoke night"

Catcher calling time for a mound meeting and asking the pitcher if he can borrow 5 bucks

Put on the contemporary jazz playlist and all the ads immediately turned to erectile dysfunction treatments

I think I'm almost over being sick but I want to test it out so I've got 2 different specialty mountain dews and they're duking it out in my guts

RT @pleas4nt: Getting blasted with a disintegration ray and as I'm fading from existence saying "thank you sir, may I have another?" to mak…

What's the ingredient

Is it "sooner or later" yet? I'm waiting for my ship to come in..

No, no. I'm pretty sure he did say "Simon Says"

RT @pleas4nt: Oh so you're rotating cubes eh? If you think you are ready for the big times now imagine, if you can, a monk with a Boston ac…

Visions of a darker future

@muffinlab @2PAWG4U Normally I feel like a bad person for watching these but when the guy was spinning in the lathe and his shoes flew off that was good

Wife bad dream: you cheated on me 😤 Husband bad dream: I was there again last night.. Laugh Factory.. I raced up on stage. He.. he parried every blow. Every. Single. One. even the question mark kick.. I fear I will never defeat him. If only he would strike back, IF ONLY!

Imagine hearing for years and years that the "East will rise again!" and you're doing a big sarcastic jerkoff motion. But then Saruman shows up in your town with some fuckin giant orcs more powerful and more savage than ever before seen. Gulp.

RT @pleas4nt: The Data Entry Guru: Imagine yourself as a download bar. As you inhale, allow the bar to fill up. Now imagine you are the c…

@Demon_Realms Every time we're out drinking I'm saying "heyboysit doesn't get anybetter than this" because of the Dairy Farmers ad with a bunch of mustachioed men playing pond hockey. The softball one is good but the hockey one will always have my heart

RT @lilmeaties: Honking the horn in my gundam and it starts yodeling