Peter Brush
@peterbrush_
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Stand-Up Comic. Live dates / podcast / Substack in the link. I am also peterbrush_ on Insta where you can find me being marginally more active.
Northern England
Joined January 2011
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Bloody hell, looks like Bob Dylan’s gone and done a lockdown song and all now!
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If hamsters only live 2 years I guess now is a pretty good time for a hamster who likes football to be born as there's a better chance than usual they'll be able to experience both a Euros and a World Cup.
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Ok, so I'm putting on some comedy shows in the coming weeks but just to make sure they can legally go ahead we might have to do a cremation during the interval
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It has taken me 24 years but finally I have figured out that Eminem = M&M = Marshall Mathers. Obviously, I wasn’t working on this every day, I took bank holidays off.
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For 9 months before I was born I had all of my meals delivered to me by umbilical cord, or as I preferred to call it ‘womb service’
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Just found this from around that time I was dating a schoolteacher
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Football fans are like bees in that I know most of them are good natured and well behaved but I do get nervous if I’m on a train with 100 of them.
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Does Messi now have to start football all over again but on a harder setting?
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Sometimes I'd put ink on our pasta machine and pretend it was a printing press and make my own little newspaper, but often I would forget to wash it so one night in 2013 we had lasagne that said Nelson Mandela had died.
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The main difference between alligators and crocodiles is that if you see an alligator crying you can be more confident it is genuinely upset
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'Stay Another Day' is not a Christmas song, it just has snow in the video. If we're using that logic then my favourite Christmas films are Fargo and The Shining.
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Thanks for the generally positive reaction to this (and do carry on of course) Does anyone know why Twitter keeps telling me it only has 52 views though? Will that update at some point? Do I need to do anything?
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Sometimes I like to pore a tin of Smash over a cliff and pretend that I’m scattering the ashes of Mr Potato Head
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Hi everyone, this year I've designed 4 'Covid-Xmas' cards which you can now buy if you like. Sorry, I hate mentioning Xmas this early too, but I've got to try and get in there before those snakes at M**npig. Any shares/RT's much appreciated. Shop here:
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My parents used to accuse me of treating their house like a hotel because I kept using it to host speed awareness courses
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Working on a really good Chris Rea joke regarding him not being able to travel for Christmas this year, just hoping no-body tweets anything similar whilst I'm in the drafting process.
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Always thought it was a shame that there wasn’t another town near Barking called ‘Biting’ that was a slightly nicer area.
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'All the dead single ladies, all the dead single ladies' - seaonce
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I remember at clown school whenever the teachers wanted us to be more mature they’d say ‘act your shoe size, not your age’
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this seems to be doing ok, which is very cool, thanks everyone, I hope you don't mind me unashamedly saying at this point that if you have enjoyed the clip a RT is so much more helpful to me than a 'like' as it means others can then find it/me as well, x
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Wow, just found out if you listen to 'Dark Side of the Moon' & watch 'The Wizard of Oz' at the same time, you don't fully appreciate either.
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For those of you that missed it 1st time round, here is the picture of that disgraced Tory MP, cock in hand
http://t.co/gGQpwskgX0
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When mixing your vaccines, just remember the rhyme:
'Astrazeneca after Pfizer, Covid's none the wiser,
Pfizer after Moderna, the virus should still concern ya'
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If an egg is an unfertilised embryo from a hen's menstrual cycle, then why do we call it 'french toast' and not 'period pain'?
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I have an Evri advent calendar this year, each time I open a door I have to take in a neighbours chocolate
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Apparently you’re not supposed to pray directly to God, you’re meant to use a patron saint, so I always pray to the appropriate patron saint and say ‘I demand to speak to your manager’
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When I was a kid I used to play the game 'rock, paper, scissors' which suggested that rock could actually be defeated by paper, which is obviously ridiculous, although I did once sign a petition to close a quarry
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Hypochondria clip. Barely post vids/anything on here now so it's been formatted for reels, apologies for half-arsedness.
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'Its all gone, Pete Tong' - someone informing Pete Tong that his house has been broken into
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God is a lot less violent in the New Testament than he was in the Old Testament, which goes to show that you do tend to mellow once you have a kid.
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Apparently you used to be able to pay a banshee to shriek at anybody you liked, that was until the ban on commercial wailing.
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Always put the ring of salt around your margarita. One time I didn’t do it, turned my back for a minute and my glass had been emptied by slugs, apparently they love the stuff.
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I remember in the 1970's going to a funfair with Mr T and Harvey Milk and there being a long argument about which one of them should be the 1st to get into the teacup
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Yet another dictatorship successfully manages to sportswash away their human rights abuses by purchasing one of our biggest football teams. I bet Hitler is looking up at us right now kicking himself that he didn't buy Preston North End in 1935.
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Cannot believe I've now been performing stand-up comedy for 12 years. Or 11 years if you count last year.
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As a general rule, when I put a joke on here it might help you enjoy it more if you imagine somebody much more successful had tweeted it
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Thanks for the lovely interactions so far. Last chance to endorse this.
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My godson wants to be a clown, he practises throwing pies in my face whenever he sees me. I really don’t want anything to happen to his parents, because if it does it means I’m going to get custardy.
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I find if anything that the day after May 4th (Star Wars Boxing Day if you will), when you’ve got all this Star Wars crap leftover to recycle, is actually a lot more in keeping with the spirit of the franchise.
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Wish baby shampoo killed the virus so I could make a ‘No more tiers’ joke.
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It must have been somewhat annoying for caveman artists that every time they managed to sell a painting they'd then have to move house.
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Quite enjoying the IDS 'suddenly finding some conscience' angle some are taking, it's like he's Fin from the new Star Wars film.
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Just think, soon we'll be transitioning from saying 'fuck 2020' to 'fuck the 1st quarter of 2021'
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I’ve written a script about how the Nazis occupied France and replaced all the orangeade with German branded Fanta, but there’s one can who resists and remains defiant. Unfortunately, it turns out someone has already used the title ‘Last Tango in Paris’
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Do goldfish ever get confused about whether food on the floor of their tank is safe to eat because the 5-second rule is so hard to apply with only a 3-second memory?
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This must be how George Michael & Andrew Rideley felt when 'Last Xmas' sold so well but only got to number 2
71,000,000 Legal Votes. The most EVER for a sitting President!
341K
95K
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You can't really blame Gary Glitter for having the jab, since that PC World trip he of all people knows the risk of complications developing when you get a virus.
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As ever, when I tweet jokes on here it might be helpful to imagine they were posted by a more famous comedian.
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People often ask me if I’m always throwing salt over my shoulder for good luck but it’s actually because I have a stalker that’s a slug
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this joke isn't 100% effective but you'll receive a booster to it in a few weeks which should knock it up to about 90%
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Whenever anyone is coming to visit I like to put a dozen enormous teddy bears on display around the house so that they think I'm really good at winning fairground games
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They say if a bird shits on you it is good luck, I think that is true because one time I got completely covered in bird shit and they wouldn't let me into a casino.
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Powerful cannibalistic paedophile rings presumably breathing a huge sigh of relief at the moment
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One disappointing change I noticed during puberty was that I seemed no longer able to mysteriously produce coins from behind my ears
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You think the first time a coronavirus makes the jump from an animal to a human that's like the equivalent of being the first one in your family to go to university?
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Really disappointed in the wording of those 'Fatima's next job could be in cyber' ballet dancer adverts. 'From Nutcracker to Hacker?' would have been miles better.
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‘Raspberry Ripple Apples’ perfect for if you want to eat an apple whilst also wondering if your gums are bleeding the whole time
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Just scheduled a tweet for 2042 that says 'can't believe Brimful of Asha is 45'
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I was a cleaner at Paisley Park, but some people thought I was a detective because they asked how my day was once and I said I'd spent most of it dusting for Prince
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Shame that Neil Buchanan thing is bollocks, just made a Taj Mahal out of toilet rolls covered in PVA glue which I was going to try and sell as an original Banksy
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'We'll never see his like again' - eulogy for a facebook friend
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This tweet did reasonably well by my standards the other week so I have illustrated it
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Emulate Jesus this Easter by deactivating your Facebook profile on Friday, and then re-activating it again Sunday morning.
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Lots of Facebook profile pictures have changed today. Nothing helps society move on from a terrorist attack like the latest blockbuster.
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He's probably up there now asking the cherubs if they still shoot arrows at each other.
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This went better than I thought (I'm aware it's gone up from 52), thanks so much everyone, again not to pressurise you with your choice of interaction but a RT is so much more helpful than a 'like' because it helps other people to find it/me (I need this!), it's all good though x
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At the age of 85, the Nintendo president has died, he now has to go back to when he last saved his life at 82.
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Just seen the 1st episode of Teletubbies, you know, the one where 4 children get bitten by a radioactive television.
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