๐๐๐๐ซ๐ฅ๐ฒ
@pearlylondon
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66,220
Following
3,149
Media
2,567
Statuses
37,677
My mum always insists she doesn't have a 'favourite' child. Which is pretty upsetting because i haven't got any brothers or sisters.
Bedlam Asylum.
Joined July 2016
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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My neighbour is moving out.
5 years ago when she moved in my husband met her before me & told me her name was Liz. For 5 years I've called her Liz, even written it on Xmas cards. Today I found out it's actually Angela.
5 fucking years.
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Woman in Tesco just opened her bag & a T.V remote fell out. I picked it up for her & laughed "Do you always carry your TV remote around with you?" She replied "No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I thought I would get my own back on the miserable bastard!"
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Some bloke on Facebook bemoaning the fact that supermarkets are still selling 'party' food despite households no mixing rules on NYE.
Err, sorry mate but if you can't do a 24 indian snack selection pack on your own then you really don't have the first idea how to see in 2021.
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Accused my husband of eating the mini eggs i'd been saving for Easter, he denied it & I told him not only was he a liar but he was a fat selfish bastard.
10 minutes later found them in my bag, so I did the decent thing.
I hid in the bedroom & ate them all without him seeing.
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My husband shouting advice through the tele to Ronnie O'Sullivan about 'getting the aim just right' before going into our lavatory and pissing all over the seat is peak irony if you ask me.
#worldsnookerchampionship
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I'm not ashamed to admit I have a favorite hob ring.
People who deny that they have are lying.
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My daughter's are both over 20, neither of them do drugs, they only drink in moderation, and I can honestly say I've never heard a single swear word spoken from either of them.
Boring cunts.
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I've started taking off my pajama's before going to bed at night because I don't want to sleep in my best work clothes.
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Don't know about anyone else but I would prefer the government to use the 5.8 million they are spending on a poxy letter towards getting proper PPE for our NHS workers.
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Me & my husband can sit in silence all evening then the moment I step foot into another room in the house he will shout something inaudible through to me & I will shout back that I can't hear him & he will shout back that "It doesn't fucking matter."
Stay single kids.
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Just heard Daily Mail readers are threatening to boycott Center Parcs because they've pulled their ads after the Littlejohn/Tom Daley article, instantly making Centre Parcs the most attractive holiday 'dickhead free' destination of the year.
#centreparcs
#DailyMail
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Ursula von der Leyen is a trained Gynecologist.
I'm confident she will recognize Boris for what he really is.
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Right now this entire country feels like itโs being run by the contestants off the Apprentice.
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#LineOfDuty
was so far fetched tonight.
Steve Arnott opening a packet of paracetamol and not getting the leaflet end, as if!
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I can spell Pinocchio...
I can also spell
pompous,
elitist,
condescending,
arrogant,
supercilious,
intolerant,
pretentious,
self-important,
imperious,
and last but not least cunt.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our
#Bigotgate
moment.
Here's Boris Johnson's dad on the great British public.
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People at work : โWhat are you doing for Halloween?โ
Me: โNothingโฆ Iโm forty fucking five not 10!โ
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Guy at work just opened a Twix, ate one finger & then wrapped the remaining finger back up 'for tomorrow'...
Fucking psychopath.
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90 yr old man sat outside the local care home in full suit, tie & best shoes so I told him how smart he looked & enquired if it was a special occasion?
He winked & replied 'No darlin, just giving the old dears in here some eye candy to look at.'
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When shopping in Waitrose ensure other shoppers stay the recommended 2 Meters away by taking a Lidl carrier bag with you.
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The girl in accounts just got a massive bouquet delivered at work from her BF.
So as not to feel left out Iโve treated myself to a Kit-Kat out of the vending machine using a pound coin that dropped out of my husbandโs jeans this weekend when he came home from the pub pissed.
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There are two types of people:
Those who load the dishwasher correctly and those who don't.
And they marry each other.
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Just been told by my mum I'm too old for an Easter egg so I told her she's not too young for a nursing home.
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I've just seen this photo of a baby platypus.
I'm tweeting it for no other reason than it made me smile.
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Mrs Brown's Boys just beat afterlife and fleabag to win best comedy at the
#nationaltelevisionawards
if you are still wondering how Brexit came to pass.
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Does anyone else go blank when having to spell something phonetically over the telephone?
Iโm Likeโฆ
โS for Sierra
A for Alpha
T for *pause* Tom Hardy
P for Errโฆ Pomegranate
W for Wine
F for Flange
B for Bollocksโ
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When the ice cream van comes round & your mum tells you that there are tesco value choc ices in the freezer...
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Imagine forgetting to put your
clocks forward tomorrow and ending up an hour late for your living room on Monday.
Embarrassing.
#clocksforward
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Reading that Harry & Meghan are giving up their use of HRH seems fair.
When I split from my husband we both agreed we should stop using the official titles we had bestowed upon each other too.
He no longer referred to me as that miserable bitch & I stopped calling him a cunt.
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How you use the word 'Bangers' is directly connected to your age.
20 & under: Good music tracks.
30's: A ladies breasts.
40's: Sausages.
50 & over: An old car.
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Meghan Markle has persuaded Prince Harry to give up life as a senior royal in a reasonable short amount of time.
I can't even persuade my husband to change the empty toilet roll or pop the seat back down after 25 yrs of marriage.
Girls got skills.
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Currently helping the husband look for the Easter egg his mum bought him...
The same one I scoffed after he went to bed last night. ๐ฌ
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The woman at the next table snottily sent her meal back to the kitchen because 'The plate presentation didn't meet with her high standards.'
She then told her dining companion that 'being a Virgo makes her a perfectionist.'
I'm guessing it also makes her a rude obnoxious cow.
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Pharmacist at the dispensary just asked if I was 36, So I told him I'm actually 45 but have a good skincare regime... Anyway it turns out he was checking the address on the prescription & was referring to my house number not age, so if you're looking for a prat I'll be over here.
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Just tried to pay for my pick 'n' mix at Cineworld with a fifty pound note & got told they don't accept them?
So I had to give her two twenties & a ten instead.
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Mum asked me what 'Rimming' was so reluctantly & red faced I explained to her it was a sex act in which one person licks a very intimate part of another person.
Confused mum 'Oh...Only my mate sue is on a cocktail making day & said she's learning how to rim the glasses?'
๐ณ
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I see Richard Branson has tested positive...
...For being a cunt.
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Can you imagine trying to give up smoking only to come home and find your partner has brought these new curtains...
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After hearing Donald Trump incorrectly pronounce Thailand as 'Thighland' I hope for his sake 'Scunthorpe' never crops up on his autocue.
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My husband just ate 6 poppadums, 4 onion bahji, 2 meat samosas, a mixed meat vindaloo with pilau rice & wiped his plate clean with naan bread, before turning to me & saying 'I think I've overdone it, next time don't order me any salad with the bahjis please.'
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The only things I look forward to these days is food or going for a walk.
I've basically turned into a dog.
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After winning ยฃ184,262,899 on the euro millions, UK couple The Shearings say they are going to splash out by having their heating on all weekend.
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My neighbour just told me she put her clocks back 1 hr before going to bed last night then unbeknownst to her, her husband came in from the pub & also put them back 1 hr. Then this morning her son came in from a nightshift & put them back another hour.
Welcome to England. ๐
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So Tyson Fury admits to masturbating 7 times before stepping into a boxing ring & heโs labelled โeccentricโ
I do it once at work & I'm labelled "A disgrace" & have "ruined the morning meeting"?!
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9pm when you're in your 30โs or younger = The perfect time to go out on a Friday night.
9pm when you're over 40 = The cut off time for starting to watch a film.
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Yeah sex is okay and all, but have you ever tried putting your pajama's on the radiator half an hour before going to bed?
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Me & my husband have been stuck in each other's 'lockdown' company for so long now we've started finishing each other's sentences.
Usually with the phrase: "Just shut the fuck up."
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My husband had to text me in the week to ask how long he needed to 'microwave' his dinner for in order to warm it up. Now the BBQ is out he has suddenly turned into Jamie fucking Oliver!?
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Find the 8th picture in your camera roll and stick it up your arse.
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I'm no Martin Lewis but I honestly think the key to successfully getting through this cost of living crisis is to start out reasonably wealthy.
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Never thought I'd see the day when a full tank of petrol cost me the same money as a pick 'n" mix from cineworld.
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May I introduce you all to Miss Violet Pearl Harris born 1st of Dec weighing 7lb 12 ozs.
My Grandaughter. ๐
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If 6 people think they can meet up in my back garden as of next Monday they can piss off.
I'm not the fucking national trust.
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The good news is that if you go to a Wetherspoons at 6am tomorrow morning you'll be able to find the toilets by 7:30.
The bad news is you're a cunt.
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Give your dad what he really wants this father's day by not touching the thermostat, turning the light off when you leave a room, and giving a detailed account of the route you took to get to his house.
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Autumn as a child:
Conkers
Halloween
Leaves turning magical colours
Comfort dinners
Bonfire night
Autumn as an adult:
Fighting over the central heating
Having conversations with people who can't believe how dark it's getting
Telling the Xmas aisle in supermarkets to F off
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Knowing my luck Liz Truss will cut the energy prices now i've bought a new kettle.
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Journalists continually posing the question "When is lockdown going to be lifted?" are the adult equivalent of children asking "Are we there yet?" on a long car journey.
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Blokes this weekend going out getting absolutely 'suitcased' and then coming home to face a 'sue gray inquiry' from the missus.
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In honour of No Bra Day, here's a pair of tits that shouldn't have support either.
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"Hello is that the Met Office UK.
I'd like to report an incorrect delivery please....
I was expecting the month of May but I believe you've sent the month of October by mistake, can I have a refund please?"
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If you don't go to the window, peer out into your next door neighbours garden and mutter "What the fuck are they up to now?" At least twice a day are you even in quarantine?
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Had that awkward chat with my daughter today about being dressed inappropriately and wearing too much make up, and yes there were tears...
Anyway I've finally stopped crying now washed my face and agreed to get changed.
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Someone said to me โI canโt believe people are that stupid that they are panic buying all the toilet rollโ And Iโm like these are the people who voted for Boris fucking Johnson to run their country, of course theyโre that fucking stupid!
#panicbuyers
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Used my Tesco Clubcard to scrape the ice off my windscreen this morning.
Managed to get 10% off.
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Went to my eldest daughters house for dinner for the 1st time since she moved out of ours. Made sure I left the glass I was drinking from under her bed, didn't change the empty loo roll after using the last few sheets & slammed the front door nearly off it's hinges when I left.
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My pregnant daughter just asked if I had a plaster for her thumb which was sore after she had removed a small splinter from it.
She's in for one hell of a shock isn't she?
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Why ISIS will never win. Attack just taken place but fella on right refuses to spill his pint.
Nazis, IRA tried. Didn't win.
#London
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Re-gifting a bottle of alcohol free wine to the local school's Christmas raffle and then winning it back just about sums up my 2020 really.
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Taking my mum who has been undergoing chemo out tonight. As I walk in the door she says 'I've had a nightmare' *points to her bald head* 'I can't get me hair to go right!'
Cancer has taken her breast, hair & her dignity but she's not letting it take away her humour. โค
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Sad bitches at work commenting on 'The size of Meghan's Stomach'
A woman that gave birth literally 2 days ago & yet still manages to look stunningly radiant & naturally pretty.
& before anyone asks, no, I'm not a 'royalist' but I am also not a cunt either.
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To be fair, I bet rugby player Maro Itoje thought he'd had a zoom call with Frank Spencer.
#GavinWilliamson
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Gina Coladangelo has today been named as Matt Hancock's mistress.
Apparently a few others applied for the position but she knew a friend of his second cousins pub landlord's sister so it was her who got the contract.
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Can't believe I missed the last Joe Wicks online P.E session today.
That makes it 13 weeks in a row now.
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Walking down a narrow path & 2 adult cyclists ride towards me so I step aside to give way to them & neither bother to acknowledge me. 1/2 a mile down same path & a little lad of about 8 approaches, so I step aside & as he passes he says โThank you.โ
Manners are nice arenโt they?
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Need a break from your partner? Just go to a supermarket with them. The minute you get in there they will disappear & you'll have to traipse up & down every sodding aisle looking for them before having to ring their mobile phone to eventually find out where the fuck they are?!
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'Twas the night before Brexit,
And all through the land,
The gammons were cheering,
Anything โforeignโ was banned.
Farage was there preening,
The EU he did goad,
When he flashed his union jack socks,
Jacob Rees-Mogg shot his load.
#BrexitEve
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This time last year I was drinking a bottle of red every evening, doing zero exercise and eating nothing but junk food.
But what a difference 12 months makes.
I've now swapped the red for white.
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Boris Johnson.
Prevent yourself from having to make any more embarrassing U-Turns by first ringing up Nicola Sturgeon and asking her what she's planning to do.
@TwopTwips
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Someone on the radio said a hanging basket was a cheap & easy way to brighten up your garden.
Tried it, but I must say I'm bitterly dissappointed with the results....
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Just seen a headline that said there were going to be 2 places in the U.K hotter than Tenerife today.
I'm guessing those 2 places were the patches of skin underneath my tits.
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When I was little we couldn't afford a lot of Christmas decorations so my grandad would pack us all into his car & drive around in the dark looking at other peoples Xmas lights. Doesn't sound much fun but as a kid it was magical & I confess I still love a little drive by now.
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Someone brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts into work and told everyone to help themselves.
Someone else at work cut 1 of the KK doughnuts in half, because 'they couldn't manage a whole one.'
They walk amongst us.
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Just watched my mum delicately slice up cooked chicken breast for her cat, feed it lovingly by hand then pour out a saucer of double cream for it's dessert before nodding to the kettle and telling me if I want a cuppa "You'll have to make it yourself."
Bastard cat.
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Petrol prices dropping during lockdown is like winning VIP tickets to a movie premier only to find out it's the 'Mrs Brown's Boys Movie.'
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How embarrassing for
#dianeabbott
to be caught necking a tin of M&S Mojito on the train.
She's lost all credibility for me.
Any professional train commuter will confirm, you need at least a 2ltr bottle of gin & a good few shots to make the experience bearable.
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In support of Joe Lycett I'm also going to obliterate 10k today by putting my heating on for a few hours.
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For the last twenty years i have received a mystery valentines card, except this year... ๐
First my gran dies now this!
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Oh do fuck off with your cryptocurrencies I've only just got used to the 2 pound coin.
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My neighbours just suggested now it's nicer weather and the lockdown restrictions have loosened we should all bring our chairs out into our front gardens to sit and socialise in the coming evenings.
So now I have to move house.
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Did you know if you swapped out your friday night takeaway and instead went down the gym for a workout you could lose the will to live.
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People who open a new bottle of milk and leave the white plastic circle thingy on the side instead of putting it in the bin are bastards.
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MY ROADMAP BACK TO NORMALITY IN FULL:
12th of April โ Book a haircut
Thereafter find a beer garden and get shitfaced.
THE END.
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Apparently Dominic Cummings only realised he was presenting symptoms of covid after Laura Kunessberg took his temperature.
Anally.
With her tongue.
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I'm having a plant based meal tonight.
I'm gonna plant my arse in front of the tele and order a takeaway.
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We all know that 1 person who if you said you had Covid-19 they would tell you they'd had Covid-20.
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