What Meghan didn't understand with a royal marriage, is you don't just marry the person, you marry the family, followed by inevitable fights and drama. It's just like a normal Indian marriage.
Haven't been nominated for anything but I'm here at the
#ComedyAwards
supporting comedians who sell less tickets than me, but I'm not bitter. I'm so happy for all of them wankers.
Quarantine is tough on your mental health. Just had a massive fight with my girlfriend, then I realised I don't have a girlfriend. Still lost the argument.
My friend
@madrisimo77
has been stuck on the Elizabeth Line for almost 3 hours. People are using train tracks as toilets, with some even using their seats. And he just became a British citizen after immigrating from Bangladesh. Welcome to England, mate.
@TfL
Dave - 'You lot' don't celebrate Christmas do you?
Me - We do, but we see our family all the time, not once a year.
Dave - How come?
Me - Cos we live with them innit.
When I look at this picture, I'm unable to sleep as I lie there, grinding my teeth and dreaming of the day when she is made to parade naked through the streets of every town in Britain while the crowds chant, 'Shame!' and throw lumps of excrement at her.
#itsjustajoke
I'm highly offended about Trump calling certain countries Shitholes! Why? Because his list didn't include Bradford or Dudley etc. Trump, I can help you with this list.
From Thursday restaurants in the UK will close at 10pm. That's fine for English people, 'tea time' is 6pm! 6pm is when brown people have lunch, then dinner at 10pm. You won’t see us in restaurants anymore, unless we’re working there.
Remember the days in boxing when Mike Tyson sold a fight with Lennox Lewis by telling him he's gonna eat his children? Today Eubank Jr is having two weeks of abstinence and Connor Benn is trying to get pregnant.
This was a personal picture to me, as it was an honour to have spent time with such an inspirational comedy icon. We were in a movie called ‘Swinging with the Finkles’ in 2011. A great man and a true legend. You’ll be missed. RIP Jerry Stiller.
#WilderFury
was Fury robbed or is the boxing audience being robbed yet again? Feels like this is set up for another let's rip off the fans again. Boxing promotion translation - draw = double money. This is why MMA is taking over.
Hey shoppers, the shops are gonna be closed for one day tomorrow, not 100,000 years. Calm the f**k down Bastards, you're gonna kill someone. Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas.
When I gave advice to the Speaker Rt Hon John Bercow, I was only joking. Didn't think he'd do it. Brexit means Shat App Bastard. ORDER ORDER.
#IStandWithBercow
So gutted for my Leeds
@CityVarieties
audience that my show was cancelled after the first half. Cancel culture has gone too far. I'll be back, the matrix can't stop us.