Patrick Kidd
@patrick_kidd
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Writes The Times's Diary column. Author of The Weak Are A Long Time In Politics: https://t.co/zg1eoouBh6. Also churchwarden at @asblackheath
Joined March 2011
This is a Churchillian speech by Boris. Although by Churchill I mean the nodding dog from the insurance adverts.
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Stephen Hawking and Jim Bowen dying on the same day. I see they kept to the rules that the non darts player goes first.
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Lib Dem landslide, SNP take Cornwall and the Isle of Wight. Tories wiped out.
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Just received two texts from my wife in quick succession. First said: "Plumber arrived." Second said: "Archbishop gone." I am not sure if they were connected, but it makes it sound like Justin Welby was blocking our loo.
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I reckon Corbyn has only another two or three elections left in him before Labour ask him to move on.
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I've got a feeling that the Sunday papers are going to completely overlook the good news that Grant Shapps announced about dualling of the A66 across the Pennines.
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While today’s news is a pain for many, it’s still not as bad as being nine months pregnant and arriving in a strange town on Christmas Eve only for your husband to admit he’d forgotten to book a hotel room.
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Since the D-Day snub has gone so well. what have Sunak’s genius advisers got planned next to test how low they can drive their poll numbers? Have him push David Attenborough down the stairs? Ban fish and chips? Put Paddington Bear on a flight to Rwanda?.
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As we near the election, I share the story of Adlai Stevenson, campaigning against Eisenhower, being told by a woman that "every thinking person will be voting for you". Stevenson replied: "Madam, that's not enough. I need a majority.".
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A few election thoughts: Tribalism is a cancer in politics, enhanced by social media. The idea that my side is virtuous and yours is evil, that all Tories are heartless, all in Labour are brainless, all Brexiters racist and all Leavers traitors is depressing, unhelpful and wrong.
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In November 2000, Graham Thorpe batted for 432 minutes against Pakistan at Lahore, facing 301 balls for his 118 runs, and hit just two fours. And that, children of the Bazball era, is how proper batsmen used to bat.
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@PickardJE It’s a Wonderful Life. When George Bailey, realising he’s broken, suddenly clutches his child with a look of utter anguish. Also when the townsfolk start pouring in money.
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It’s not just the inquisition of Andrew Neil and Julie Etchingham that Boris Johnson lacks the confidence to face. Tonight was the second hustings in his constituency. Like the first he declined the invitation. Cameron in 2015 and May in 2017 both did local hustings.
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I’m a bit concerned by the lack of photos of coke-addled England supporters storming the gates at Wembley and trying to launch fireworks from their buttocks. Is there no sense of tradition in the women’s game?.
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Spoke to an elderly friend who wisely is staying in but struggling with online shop. He tried to order bananas from Waitrose and specified 1, thinking they meant bunches. They sent him 1 banana. Next shop he specified 6. They sent him 61. At least his potassium levels are good.
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Nice to have one of my old stories, from almost exactly ten years ago, do the rounds again (uncredited as usual but glad it still amuses).
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Tory majority of 14,500, 45 minutes to find another candidate. This is sub-optimal.
🔵 HEMEL HEMPSTEAD: Jaymey McIvor no longer Conservative candidate.
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This is what Twitter should be used for, an outbreak of mass wisteria.
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Times front page: "Queen's frustration with May".Times back page: "Palace call for Allardyce".Now that is one hell of an unexpected twist.
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Well said, Mr Love. A terrible sign of decline at Cambridge.
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Every PM who lost the support of so many of her MPs would resign, says Corbyn more than two years after 80% of his MPs voted to remove him as their leader.
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Thought on the Rudd memo: it was sent last June; in the previous month she’d almost lost her seat, buried her father, dealt with two terror attacks and government was struggling to prove viability. Plus civil service work backlog because of purdah. We’d all miss things in circs.
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The thing you have to remember about the Olympics is that it’s like the Iliad: it gets much better once the fighting starts but you have to sit through a bloody long and dull catalogue of the ships first.
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Reading the coverage of Mohamed Fayed’s abuses, I just remembered this story about when @afneil banned Harrods from advertising in the Sunday Times after Fayed complained about criticism.
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Lord Palmer, whose family made their money in biscuits, secured a debate on food waste in 2021 in which his only contribution was to say that "sell-by dates are far too cautious. I remember once eating a biscuit that was 20 years old. It was perfectly edible".
Sad farewell to the 4th Lord Palmer, who has died at the age of 71. He was the owner of the world's only silver-plated staircase.
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Disappointing that Lisa Nandy's leadership slogan is "We Win Together" not "Do You Hear The Drums For Nandy?".
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Can't we just get Andrew Neil to negotiate with the EU?.
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Bishops react to PM: Leeds: “lied to, patronised, treated as mugs”; Ripon: “integrity, trust, leadership never there”; Liverpool: “treat people like sheep who can be fooled”; Willesden: “the full Trump”; Reading: “has made his task of leading us through this crisis much harder”.
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On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix.
Keir Starmer says James Bond should be played by a woman next. He told ITV: "I don't have a favourite Bond, but I do.think it's time for a female bond.".
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Surprised Gove has moved to housing and local government. With his special interests I thought he might go to the Ministry of Sound.
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Remarkably, Liam Fox is now only the third most disgraced former defence secretary of the past eight years.
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Let's all club together and buy Ann a drum kit and encourage her to practise at 3am.
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I still think it would have been easiest to give us blue passports and just tell people we've left the EU without actually doing it.
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Census form asks for a self-assessment of your health. Disappointed there isn’t an option that says “mustn’t grumble”.
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Momentum: the least aptly named force in politics since Lord Adonis.
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Tomorrow’s Budget, at 3.30pm, is being shown on BBC Two. At the same time on BBC One is Money for Nothing, followed by Flog It and then Pointless. Who says that there’s no place for satire in tv scheduling?.
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Assuming Sunak is the next PM, he'll be the first to have studied at Lincoln College, Oxford, following Merton, Balliol, Hugh's, Brasenose, St John's, Somerville, Jesus, Christ Church, Univ, Trinity and Hertford. A great day for diversity.
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I thought the Sumerians generally wrote on tablets.
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Splendid line by @MattChorley in his @timesredbox email: “The race to be the next prime minister is probably the only example of a robot being replaced by a low-skilled worker.”.
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A reminder at this time of year that you shouldn't panic if you think you have lost your sense of taste. You could just be eating turkey.
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Jo Swinson's doing rather well on Andrew Neil. Standing up for what she believes in forcefully, not evasive. People may dislike her policies but at least they know what they are.
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Delighted George Osborne has come so far in journalism after failing to get a Times traineeship in 1993. A lesson to all eager youngsters.
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Just had flashback watching leadership debate to when Eric Pickles, for reasons I can’t recall, was asked for his greatest weakness in an interview and replied: “I eat too much and I like cowboy films.”.
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Ten years, three prime ministers, a couple of mice and one long spat with Palmerston. Wrote this for .@AirMailWeekly. on Downing Street’s great survivor, .@Number10cat.
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I hope she’s holding out for a halo.
The Pope has invited Bonnie Tyler to come and sing at the Vatican.
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Well said Eleanor Clark. After a grumpy reader wrote that those who got their A levels last year should have an asterisk after their results to show they were school-assessed, she suggested the same indication of relative worth could be applied to honours
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Seriously @TrinCollCam you “regret” the damage caused to your painting? How about condemning it and wanting the heaviest criminal charges to be pressed? And if it was a student have them sent down. This sounds like you think she was just a bit naughty.
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It's not just Britain that struggles with covid tracing: France has ditched its tracing app after only 500 notifications to contacts were sent out from positive tests since June. The trouble with tracing is people don't want to use it. Even the French PM hadn't downloaded it.
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Everyone on my TL currently pretending that "justiciable" is a word they use all the time.
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Downing St strongly denies report the PM has been to Italy, though experience tells us this will then be followed by them saying: “Oh Peru-gia? Peru-gia? I thought you said Peru.” Then an announcement of government funding for Paddington 3 in hope we all move on.
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Has Peter Jackson been made cabinet secretary?.
Looks like cabinet lasted 7hr 15m.
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Just had an email from Royal Mail saying that a parcel is coming by Special Delivery Service. If I've learnt anything from watching Postman Pat during lockdown this will involve a helicopter, 24 stray sheep and a long chat about the church fete with the Rev Timms before I see it.
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The bishops believed that the virus was so deadly vicars shouldn’t even walk 250 yards to enter an empty church. They took a lot of flak for this. I can see why they’re now angry that the PM has said it’s fine to trust your instincts to travel 250 miles while infected.
Deeply grateful for my colleagues who have said what I feel too. Unless very soon we see clear repentance, including the sacking of Cummings, I no longer know how we can trust what ministers say sufficiently for @churchofengland to work together with them on the pandemic.
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Seeing lots of people tweet “if the Clapham vigil wasn’t legal why not arrest the Duchess of Cambridge?” But she didn’t attend the vigil, she went to lay flowers earlier in the afternoon and it is legal to leave your house (or palace).
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Some mixed classical messaging in Rainham this morning. Nicky Morgan says "we will not give in to Siren voices" but David Miliband criticises May for "lashing herself to the mast". But surely lashing self to a mast is how you beat the Sirens. Did none of them read The Odyssey?.
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This heatwave has reached critical levels. Lord's has just emailed MCC members to say they don't have to wear jackets in the pavilion tomorrow or Thursday.
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Adam Holloway, Tory MP, refers to the “bollocks to Brexit” sticker on Bercow’s car. “That sticker is on my wife’s car,” Bercow says. “And I’m sure he’s not suggesting she is a property or chattel. She’s entitled to her views.” And with that he proposes they move on.
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Question: did Mary and Joseph ever actually get round to doing the census or did the whole giving birth in a stable, shepherds, kings, angels, flight into Egypt cause them to forget? And did that affect provision of public services in Judaea if messiah numbers were underreported?.
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I’m worried that fans of Test cricket are going to find The Hundred too long and drawn-out.
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The French health secretary says he’s doing Dry January. Civilisation ends, a journey that began with news a couple of months ago that the French are increasingly rejecting a cheese course. What next? Macron’s cabinet don’t have mistresses? Have they forgotten how to be French?.
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An affectionate tribute seen on a park bench on the Victoria Embankment
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The world needs more Annies.
To celebrate #WorldWhiskyDay, here's Annie, a willing participant in a blind taste test, where the aim was to tell the difference between whisky and brandy.
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When May became PM in 2016, Meyer wrote that she'd known her for 12 years: "a warm human being . lively in private with a good sense of humour . very special and unusual person of profound humanity." Now, when introduced as a personal friend, she corrects it to "I know her".
Ouch. This is the curious moment on @vicderbyshire when Baroness Meyer, who is introduced as a “closer personal friend of Theresa May”, disputes the description . 😱
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Delighted to read that the lead trumpeter for the royal wedding is called Blackadder
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One Christmas present fills a gap in my Wodehouse collection and has one of the best opening lines in English literature (take that Dickens and Austen with your best and worst of times and truth universally acknowledgeds)
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Though it hasn't happened since 1880, technically an MP found guilty of contempt can be imprisoned by the serjeant at arms. Nothing would demonstrate how endearingly loopy our parliament is if a man in tights and carrying a sword marches booming Geoffrey Cox off to the Tower.
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I’m worried how this XR protest will develop when they discover people can also read newspapers online. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find Swampy has superglued himself to my laptop.
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When an international sex symbol met a famous actress… Fred Trueman with the mother of the groom at the wedding of his daughter and Raquel Welch’s son.
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Am on Virgin train. War with Corbyn endures. Guard just said: "For those moaning they have to sit on floor there are 132 empty seats today.".
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As a parent at the same school, I endorse this attitude towards Sats. Plenty of time for stress later in life
This, given to my daughter and her y6 classmates ahead of Sats on Monday, is a delight. Wish all teachers prepared for exams like he @AllSaintsBheath
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The lovely thing is that this has been a night when my timeline has been 90% talking about the same thing, opinions have been wildly different and yet no one has been abusive. Maybe we should only use Twitter for Eurovision.
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The last few years would have been much better if it had been Nancy Cameron who left her father in the pub and no one went back to get him.
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The BBC should make the first question to the prime minister about the A66. Bet he won't have prepared on it at all and then he'll look a chump.
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Jane Austen was clearly an England cricket fan.
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It’s good news that Erskine May (hardback £300) will now be published free online, but what I really want is for Geoffrey Cox to do the audiobook version.
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Apparently Geoffrey Cox warned the cabinet today that NI backstop wd be "like being stuck in the first circle of Hell". But that's not so bad: the first circle was for unbaptised pagans and was basically a budget version of heaven. It's where you find Homer, Aristotle and Caesar.
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Just taken my son to nursery for the first time. Lots of tears and clinginess at drop-off. And he was pretty upset too.
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Andrew Neil has admirable pedigree for doing this. As editor of the Sunday Times he banned Harrods from advertising with the paper, a relationship worth £3m, after Mohamed al Fayed had a rant about a critical story and threatened to pull his advertising.
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Twitter can be dreadful and if I didn't need it for work I'd have long quit, but I'm very grateful for the many kind messages after my morning wobble. Odd how when you feel fragile something that normally makes you very happy can provoke melancholy. I'm fine-ish now. Thanks.
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John Major and Eric Idle both turn 77 today. On their 50th birthday Idle wrote to Major: “But for a twist of fate, I should be Prime Minister and you could have been Man in the Nudge Nudge sketch from Monty Python. I hope you don't feel too disappointed.”
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See, France, if you hadn’t executed your royal family you could have had a Queen leaping out of a helicopter but no… you had to go for an extra from Flash Gordon on a very very long horse ride. Liberté, égalité, éternité….
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Just came across this exchange two years ago between David Amess and James Brokenshire, whose recent deaths will both be marked in Parliament next week. Seems there's a doubly sentimental reason to make Southend a city
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Bairstow matches Penny Mordaunt for the year's most impressive carrying of a massive weapon.
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To brighten a glum Friday, a friend just sent me this collection of front-page banners from a few years ago
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Lord Carrington, who until yesterday was the last foreign secretary to resign, died last night at the age of 99. A very contrasting character and resignation to Boris Johnson.
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Isn’t the answer to our political problems obvious? Force May out and install @Number10cat as acting prime minister and chief mouser. I’d like to see Brussels get one over on Larry, the only mogg that matters.
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Rayner makes a bold offer to defect to the Tories.
The only title I'm hungry for, @BorisJohnson, is Deputy Prime Minister.
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The worst thing, for me, of the Mirror’s Boris/Arcuri story is less the sex than he sponged £3.10 off her to get a drink he’d offered to buy. It reminded me of those stories about when he was Spectator editor and always sending interns to buy him coffee but never paid them back.
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I think this awful election has finally reached the point where what the nation really needs is a photo of Ted Heath on a skateboard
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Is Theresa May giving a speech on housing in front of an artificial wall another example of fake mews?
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Happy 60th birthday to the chief scientific adviser Sir Patrick Vallance who is probably planning a quiet night in.
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Sigh. I wish my daughter would spend less time challenging the premise of the question in schoolwork and just do what she's asked. I mean, in the long run this is probably good, but asking whether it is credible that Neil Armstrong would have written a moon diary just wastes time.
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Funnily enough, a spokesman for the robin said exactly the same about Mrs May
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To be fair to Mrs May, I've also taken seven hours to try and build a cabinet and had to give up in the end.
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Is this the same Nadine Dorries who employed both her daughters in her parliamentary office at the taxpayers' expense?.
BBC staffed by people ‘whose mum and dad worked there’, says Nadine Dorries
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Chief whip trying to take Nicky Morgan and Sarah Wollaston out for a chat. They tell him to sod off with only three minutes left in debate.
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