ADHD COURTESAN
@parody_escort
Followers
6K
Following
7K
Media
79
Statuses
841
Don’t book me if you don’t have a yacht and a bottle of bubbly. Queen of “You Peasants Could Never.” For legal reasons, this is a joke. #parody
Joined March 2023
My favorite appointments are where my patrons and I can slurp oysters and hate on the homeless together. ❤️.
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Last night, an envelope containing $50,000 spilled out all over Eleven Madison Park. I was so embarrassed I immediately reprimanded my suitor for not getting me an Hermes Kelly to tuck the money in.
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SEX WORKERS . Today I’m being interviewed by FOX News about sex work. I’ll be discussing how high my rates are, the clientele I attract, and how this work pays for my investments. Feel free to give me some more talking points!.
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I've officially reached the highest level of honor in this career. he booked me the same day as his vasectomy so I could be his last full ejaculation.
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One time, my suitor’s wife saw that he cheated on her with me. She told me she was filing for divorce and needed more information. I told her that, actually, I was saving their marriage. She immediately dropped her divorce idea and thanked me. Not all heroes wear capes!!!.
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✨ Courtesan marketing trends ✨ . 2014: “A girl must be two things: CLASSY and FABULOUS.” — Coco Chanel . 2024: *Neurodivergent pterodactyl screeching*.
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My whale just sent me an entire year’s worth of rent and doesn’t expect anything for it! We haven’t even met yet! There are truly some altruistic, AMAZING men living in this world.
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New cancellation policy! 🚨 . My new cancellation fee will now be $30,000. You must cancel 2 MONTHS ahead of the time we meet, or you will be charged this cancellation fee. Any questions can be directed towards my assistant that I haven’t paid in 3 weeks.
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He said the normal paper envelopes from the bank made it feel too transactional. Honey, whatever makes you comfortable.
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Actual photo of me on my suitor’s private jet this Saturday! What were you poors doing this weekend?
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My success as a high class courtesan isn’t because of the fact I’m a conventionally attractive, thin, white woman who conforms to European beauty standards and attracts a plethora of racist clients, it’s because of my HARD WORK.
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Thinking about changing my policy. What do we think about 30 investment properties in San Diego as a form of deposit ladies???.
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Wow! This rando guy saw me at Agent Provocateur trying on £2,000 worth of lingerie and decided to buy everything I liked! I gave him my business card and now I’m flying out to see him for a week for 50k! Dreams really do come true if you work hard, ladies!
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Just returned from a 2-day excursion with my latest suitor!
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How to be a high end escort in 2025:. 1. Begin charging $3000 for two hours. 2. Land a whale. 3. Fight for ur fuckin life to keep that whale through a series of insufferable posts to make him like u.
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🚨 CLIENTS! There is a reputable provider going around stealing $50k worth of deposits! I know this because fun2fuck69 told me on Twitter. Guard your wallet and see good providers like me instead! #pickme.
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For $3000/hr I can teach you how to screen. Trying to be more generous to this community and extend a helping hand at a fair and low price!.
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Turns out mentioning how my last suitor bought me my fifth penthouse on social media just landed me 20 more inquiries. Suckcess begets suckcess. The lucky new suitors will be hearing all about the Artemest furniture they’re funding.
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I tell everyone what I do for a living, including strangers! On planes, on trains, on boats. I give them my business cards. My entire family knows, including my third cousins! I even tell the police and pay them off afterwards.
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Doing sex work for the money cheapens it and makes it seem so dirty. My clients know that I do it because I love being around them so much. No way I’d ever use them for their wallets!!! Men aren’t ATM machines, ladies. They have feelings. They matter.
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Updated date packages moving forward!. Five 4 hr dinner dates: $50,000.Five overnight dates: $75,000.Five 24 hr dates: $100,000. 80% deposit. Contract valid for 1 month after the first date.
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11 Madison Park. Tomatoes doused in luxurious olive oil and miniature basil leaves. So unique and expensive that not even the poors can replicate this rare, exquisite dish. 💅
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Parody escort, making fun of high end marketing, bizarro tweets, and/or bad takes: 🎀🥰🤪😁💖😇🌸😋😎✨. High end providers: 🧐😡🤬👺👹👿 what is this unwarranted *violence* against me????.
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I’m not a hooker, I’m a geriatric penis priestess, a temptress of trysts, a siren of semen, a duchess of dick, an elf of ecstasy, a fellatio fairy.
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No, this is not the type of selfie that is acceptable for screening, as I have already stated in the 3 previous emails 🙃 my nerves are being tested daily lmao.
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I want to thank all of the brave, heroic men and women who date escorts. Thanks for sticking by us when we’re out banging crusty old men for funsies. Thanks for being strong when you think we’re using and abusing you. It’s hard on us just as much as it’s hard on you. ❤️.
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Clients! How much of your connection with your favorite provider do you think is real intimacy (i.e. stalking, looking up her family and home address, forcing her to date you because you spend 50k on her per year, crossing boundaries)???.
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Just got drinks with another provider. Ladies, it’s time to stop it with the extreme face editing! I can’t believe clients want to see her because I had secondhand embarrassment and had to dip out early. No wonder bad reviews are rampant!! 🤮.
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Booked a six hour date with a client. We couldn’t even make it to dinner without tackling each other to the ground. I made him eat me out for 2 hours straight. He had to cancel our dinner at Sons & Daughters in SF because his mouth was so sore & tipped me $5k. Seethe, peasants.
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Broke up with my ex-whale boyfriend only to get a FMTY request in his dream vacation city from my other whale who didn’t know about my ex-whale. Feels good to be rid of a loser who only paid me $50,000 a month. God really is good!.
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When you only wanted luxury trips and Jimmy Choos, but your whale insists on giving you two oil wells and a $15 million company. (Picture as evidence.)
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I am LUXURY. $700 is cheap. Rooms at the St. Regis START at $1300. But if you want this client be my guest, I’m sure he would be delighted to pay $200. I’ll text you his number. I don’t want him.
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Will be raising my rates 200% today with a 3-day minimum, effective immediately!!.
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A suitor just gifted me a 24/7 private chef for my home. I can design my own menus and get a full meal with my favorite martini at 3 in the morning. Continue to argue about your pedestrian Louboutins and ugly Cartier Love bracelets, brokies, because this bitch just LEVELED UP.
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I’ve had multiple clients tell me recently that I’m not charging enough (my minimum is 3k/hr). I’m confused on the economics of this.
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Wow! Sixth car gifted to me this year. Guess it goes to show how much my patrons love me.
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Welcome to the High End Hookers Collective where we meet on the weekends and talk shit about anyone who charges less than 1k per hour. Oh and if you’re over a size 2, you’re immediately disqualified from hanging out with us. We’re the elites of the elite.
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A suitor expressed that wanted to run into me more often so he started paying for my membership to his Elite Gym. He’s a totally nice guy and nothing bad could ever come from this. I just love altruistic men who want to follow me wherever I go. 😋.
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A suitor just informed me that he pulled his kids out of their elite private school so he could spend their tuition on me. Don’t accept anything less, ladies.
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Today I touched my client’s chest and felt the imprint of a provider friend on him. I asked if he’d worked with her and he said yes, for years. It was so beautiful to feel- I felt tears come to my eyes. Thank you, babes, for all that you do. 🫶🏼.
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Sex work just keeps getting better and better every year. The Birkins, the Michelin dates, the shopping trips, the five star hotel staycations, the inclusive safe spaces for trust fund kids (me) that dominate Sex Work Activism™ where I professionally mooch off others. 😋.
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Stigma is great, actually. If you can figure out a way of benefitting from the systemic and patriarchal violence against escorts, AND put a hefty price tag on it, you WILL get the condo and Chanel bag of your dreams! Now listen to my podcast about how sex work is therapy!.
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Not all coochie is equal. Mine is pristine, refined, gleaming. Top shelf coochie. Medium rare coochie. First class coochie. Five star coochie. Blue ribbon coochie. Nobel peace prize coochie.
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I've been seeing many providers talk about how “slow” it is. I can assure you it's not. Maybe change your business plan and marketing bc baby girl is booked and busy months in advance. Switch it up and take accountability and not blame the market. Just a thought.
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I got the l'm good at sex autism, not the I'm good at math autism.
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BRB, gonna get married to a wealthy suitor that’s 30 years older than me and sit in his penthouse all day while he ignores me and fucks off to work 14 hours a day to afford my expensive lifestyle while having no friends of my own as he consistently controls my life. 😍.
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Survival sex work is no longer a thing. we all have access to the Internet, many advertising sites are free, and aren't we all trying to survive by a job???. This word is overused.
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I won’t post anything I received as I don’t want the poors to feel bad, but I’m so grateful for all my wonderful suitors who brought me bags of cash, rare designer handbags, and fine jewelry! Can’t wait to commit more tax fraud in the new year!.
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I can barely live on 80k a month.
Is $1,000 a week enough for you to live comfortably?.
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I am now launching my investment advisory firm for sex workers! . What better way of showing my support for a marginalized community than quitting my Wall Street job and prying the hard earned money out of the hands of an historically oppressed population! . #NotAPimp.
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I lost all of these bracelets in the ocean TWICE and this wonderful gentleman bought them all back for me!
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Any trick who thinks this parody account is an ally to them is delusional. I hate 99% of you bitch ass scum bags.
@parody_escort Why haven’t you exposed her yet? Are you Adelaine🤔 26 clients that came forward so far after being robbed.
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Sometimes I wonder about all those girls who have no review policy… in 4 years being in the industry I haven’t gotten one bad review, and if you keep getting the bad ones and saying that they are fake and you refuse to have reviews… it must have been true what they say idk.
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Look what was waiting for me as I came back to our private suite in Bali! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
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One time, I developed a crush on a suitor so I would pull up to his work everyday and watch him go inside. I’d camp out in my car all day, wait for him to come out then follow him home where I’d watch him through his windows. Eventually he caught me & paid me $30,000 to fuck off.
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Currently intubated and in the ICU from multiple bullet wounds. Please send $$$ (for my plastic surgery). Anyone who doesn’t will be blocked immediately.
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I have too many Birkins. Other gift ideas:. 1. The Holy Grail .2. Harry Potter OG Manuscript.3. Wreckage from the Titanic.4. Stolen Artifacts from the Vatican.5. Stele of Hammurabi .6. A Single Unicorn Horn .7. The Sankara Stones .8. John Cage’s 4’33” on Vinyl.9. Spice Melange.
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December is filling up fast! Reach out while you can!.
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I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, but if you hate Van Cleef Alhambra necklaces and Cartier love bracelets, it just means you’re a jealous, hating, unsuccessful LOSER who would prefer a hamburger to gold.
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I met an escort that received a small loan of a million dollars from her client to buy a 10 million dollar property that now she’s wealthy from years later. I’m also a landlord because it was either a choice of sitting on my ass (👍) or a real job (👎). Fix your own sink, poors.
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Being w/ my patron last night, I realized that I want something real. I’m not like other hookers who do this for transactional reasons. My client treated me w/ Basic Human Decency™ & now I need to find my true love. I can’t do that when I’m blowing geriatric dicks at the Ritz.
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I’m in sex work to accomplish my goals, like becoming a landlord, so I can collect the majority of my peasants’ income while I’m wined and dined by my number one patron in the Maldives. 🥹.
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Today I:. - told another escort she’s trashy for wearing platform Louboutins .- bought a new building and will now be a landlord to poors.- flew private to Connecticut to attend a Yale fundraising event with a patron . Take notes, brokies.
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If you don’t speak French fluently as a high end companion, you might as well quit and be a backwoods bumpkin in peace, somewhere in Alabama making taxidermy possums, using toilet seats as picture frames, and spooning your cousins. Spare us all of your provincial ineptitude. 💅.
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Me, snorting high quality booger sugar from Colombia with my suitor in his penthouse. You, doing crack with Hunter in your cockroach infested apartment. We are not the same.
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Normally I don’t share my secrets with the poors, but here are my streams of income:. 1. Whales.2. The Stock Market.3. Investment Building 1.4. Investment Building 2.5. Investment Building 3.6. Ponzi Scheme 1.7. Ponzi Scheme 2. As you can see, I get by. 💅.
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1 hour bookings are synonymous with “broke” and real escorts don’t do them 🤷🏼♀️.
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There are three types of high end escorts: . Ones that came from lower middle class-middle class that cosplay as bougie. Ones that came from upper middle class and want to keep up their lifestyle. Ones that came from upper middle class and live like hippies.
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My FMTY client booked SIX first class flights to ensure there was no way I was going to miss him this weekend!.
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If you’re not here to become a landlord, why are you sex working???.
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Take my advice, ladies. Marrying a wealthy man (who treats you horribly, only likes u because you’re young, loves a woman who has no ambitions of her own so he can manipulate and control u with his cash) is better than being a poor & having freedom! I also do not hate myself.
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Are you even high end if you do hour appointments? . Booking for one hour is like ordering a starter with tap water in a restaurant.
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Me and my whale had a fight again today and he’s taking 10k out of my 100k monthly allowance. Idk how I’m going to survive at this point. :(.
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Men are just sad, misunderstood creatures. :( Like this one time, I had a suitor who cried to me about how his miserable cunt (wife) doesn’t have sex with him anymore because he’s just the Nicest, Most Kindest Man™ and has NEVER done anything BAD in his entire life. 😔.
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One time a guy I was dating got really drunk at a wedding and pulled me in front of his friends starting a IVF/luxury gene editing company and was like "we need to sell this woman's eggs, she is genetic peak".
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Not to be rude but if you’re only making $10k a month as a sex worker you might not be doing it right and may want to think about investing in another career.
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You just need to be your own unique brand, trust me! . Even though my years of experience tells me I’m successful because of my close proximity to European beauty standards, I will tell you men want SUBSTANCE & have taste and appreciation for ALL women (basic, white women)!!!.
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Decriminalization of sex workers would mean I’d have to drop my rates and you poors just aren’t worth giving up my high-end lifestyle, sorry.
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Straight male escorts ARE real escorts. I should know because the one who I’m sleeping with at the moment stays at my place for weeks on end, eats all of my food, and works twice a year.
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One time my billionaire suitor was slighting me during an appointment (probably thinking I was a poor person, ugh) until I informed him that I frequent Bvlgari VIP parties and have a personal shopper at Tiffany’s. Suddenly his attitude changed and he tipped me $50,000 ??.
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A few years ago a client paid my full rate just to extensively wash my hair in the giant bathtub at the London Four Seasons.
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Finally living out my dream as a sacred goddess prostitute on a remote island where suitors leave on ships for and never come back so they can serve me their entire lives at my temple after they sign over their bank accounts to me. I feel sorry for you poors, I really do.
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Drop your rates for 1 hr below so I can rate shame you. 👇🏻.
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I’m still offering mentorship! Just $1000 for 120 minutes! Payment plans attract the wrong group of people (poors) so unfortunately I don’t offer them.
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I do not speak directly to suitors. If you need me, my assistant Suzi Q, who I pay $8000 a month for and most definitely does NOT exploit my Sex Work Income™, will be in touch with you shortly.
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Won’t anyone care about the old billionaires who get taken advantage of by hot women? 🥺😭.
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Just to piss off the lefty sex workers, I’ve made a donation to the local police department. I’m a hooker, but I stand behind the men & women in blue maintaining law and order and protecting public safety.
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Today is my social media planning day! I’ll be writing and mapping out the problematic tweets I’m going to send this week to garner attention and engagement. The way you heauxs are going to be mad. 😋.
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Went to get the envelope out of the bathroom when I discovered my client had left me a few thousand over. I went to go speak to him about it, then he asked for it BACK. The AUDACITY. Can someone please tell me I’m not an idiot in this situation???.
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I only follow and retweet the same 5 people. They’re my friends in this industry that I go skiing with every year in Aspen, Colorado. We love to compare our new designer bags and laugh about how wealthy our whales are.
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Business is slow? Just doxx your competition and out them to their families. They have kids? Call CPS. You’ll be taking their clients and making that money in no time! #girlboss #empowered #yasqueen.
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Lucky girl syndrome: Some random man walked up to me at the bar, dropped $10k in my bag, then walked away.
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This would look cuter if you made it into a crop top that showed significant underboob so I can take a picture in the airplane bathroom for my $uitor$.
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