kendra
@parmajawns
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i don’t really talk about this kinda thing with a lot of people i just wanted to say that today i’ve been sober for 14 days. to a lot of people i’m sure that doesn’t sound like much but it’s the longest i’ve gone in over 6 years. and i’m pretty damn proud of myself so far🙂
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i’m at moods eating breakfast minding my own business next thing i know there’s a smirnoff ice sitting in front of me. i’m looking around like who the fuck just iced me. ALEJANDRO CALLED MOODS AND ICED ME OVER THE FUCKING PHONE
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this remind me of the time i sat in the hooters parking lot before my shift trying to blow vape smoke out of my medusa piercing hole and my manager caught me and said “wtf are you doing”
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just because you act with the best of intentions, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t be wrong
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i’m (not) sorry but what is the point of going to a show if you’re just gonna be blacked out wasted. stay the fuck home if you’re gonna ruin shit for everyone else just trying to have fun. send tweet
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sorry i’m late to work i was busy taking low quality snapchat selfies
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men must look at me and say to themselves “yes this is it, i’ve found my therapist”
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cat toys are a scam all my cat wants to play with is pocket change and the top of a pepsi bottle i threw at her 3 weeks ago
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here’s some disposable cam pics of me smoking a joint in a bathtub in vegas
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literally so many stores/restaurants/bars are closing in portage today bc of the protests and i texted my boss saying i don’t feel comfortable coming in today and she said i was going to be written up LOL i quit bitch
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dudes at work b like “pull your mask down let me see your face” i will literally fucking bite you
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“there’s so many resources for homeless people” -someone who’s never been homeless lmao
she genuinely doesn’t understand how she was wrong…
no one is mad at her for buying him cat food and giving him a blanket. its the way she SPOKE about the man that showed how heartless she is.
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@godvfwine
@ANTIALMONDMILK
instant gratification is one of the best albums i am so offended by this tweet
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i pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all
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my 15 year old brother
me: hey what’s up?
him: i do get hoes you know that right
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i keep forgetting my boss doesn’t know i’m quitting at the end of my shift lol we love suspense
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imagine hittin it from the back and she got “live laugh love” tattooed above her ass
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i was going to throw away an empty bud light box and my brother goes “can i keep that so my friends think i’m baller?”
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i was talking to my brother and i said “i just want a girlfriend” and he dead ass goes “i have 3 do you want one”
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trump party at bk on willowcreek one like and i’ll throw eggs at them
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charlie really blocked me bc i said the acacia strain is deathcore
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things i found while cleaning out my car (a short list)
14 water bottles
5 tumblers
7 unopened white claws
4 juuls
my birth certificate
1 uncashed paycheck
1 unopened christmas present
9 slim jim wrappers
213 dollars
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i’m wearing a KL oldham shirt n some dude just came and pat me on the back n said “arf arf” lol riot fest lit
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“what are thooossseee these are cloooothes” in my brain at least 50 times a day
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so.. i work with like 95% dudes and being around them all day everyday makes me ask this question. why do men make literally EVERYTHING sexual??! eating a banana??? hugging your friends??? you show any emotion or affection you're "gay" ?! idgi
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i do NOT wanna get this bread i do NOT wanna work over time please someone let me quit my job and send me a million dollars
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my organs: can we please have a real meal?
me:
my organs: no seriously
me: toast!!
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people just walked into the bar..we literally opened 4 minutes ago and i look like this
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nothing pisses me off more than driving in a grocery store parking lot you are all so fucking stupid
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we’re in baby imma city bitch now🥳
if i get this job in chicago i will never complain about my life ever again
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so like 5 years ago when i was in AA i was sitting behind this dude and i was like “wow he’s got nice hair” and then i was looking at his shoes and i’m like “those are fresh”. well later he turned around and it was my ex boyfriend and i was like 😳🥴😬😴😴😴
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tell me why my 54 year old father just got “two fucks” tattooed on his knuckles
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my favorite thing about working at the bar is when men try to talk about music with me lmfao i’m like “what can i get u to drink” and they’ll be like “yeah i just saw slipknot in concert” like .... ok???? the fuck HAHAHAH
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hehe i’m back instead of deleting my social media i just blocked everyone i hate hello :-)
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pizza cut into squares is much better than pizza cut into triangles and that’s just my opinion
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if you think i’m talking about weed ur a fucking idiot
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trying to justify a man getting shot 7 times in the back? get fucked. block me. i am not your friend. you are apart of the problem.
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celebrated my 1 month sober seeing my dudes
@knockedloose
. couldn’t think of anything better. thank you for another kick ass show
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just a reminders: people who try and humiliate you to make other people laugh are not your friends!😊
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well. guys. this is it. if y’all see me in the streets w these mind ya business 😤💯
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“this doesn’t taste like cinnamon”
“sir that is tequila”
“no it’s not it’s supposed to taste like cinnamon”
“tequila is not cinnamon flavored”
“yes it is”
only 3 more hours and i can go home and scream
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i hear my brothers music from my room and it’s a bunch of love songs on repeat so i ask him
me: why are u listening to sad love music
him: because i’m thinking
me: about what
him: women
fair enough kid fair enough
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waiting for a sneeze and then it going away is probably equivalent to blue balls right or wrong
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girls in middle school who used wet-to-dry hair straighteners in jail now
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me watching twilight alone in my room again for the 3rd time today
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remembering when i let my sister be in charge of making my open house invited and this is what she came up with and actually sent out to people
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so i tell my table my name ya know right, this woman goes
“oh your name is Kendra? that used to be my stage name when i danced at the strip club in the 90s”
pain
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yo i deadass just got kicked out of a bar and i’m fucking 21 LMAO they said my id was fake and it’s my license are you joking right now
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