✦ murph ✦
@oracleofmurphy
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8,820
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536
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1,074
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ate about 70% of a DELICIOUS edible before flipping the package over and reading the dosage on the back. see y’all next week bc apparently this one is over for me
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@MisskeiyalaS
every time i think i’m done laughing at this i lose my shit all over again. we’re going on 15 minutes now HELP
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turns out i am willing to forgive some of my character flaws as long as i can come up with a cool little name for it. getting egregiously high at 10am and taking a bath? unacceptable. but if it’s just me doing a lil smoke n soak? don’t mind if i fucking DO
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right eyebrow:
-honest to god sweetheart
-smiles at strangers
-holds open doors
left eyebrow:
-mean drunk
-subtweets
-wants me dead
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once upon a time (last year) i had that DOG in me
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idk what sort of gender sorcery was afoot with this 80s rockstar werewolf look but it sure did the TRICK
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1) I AM ALIVE I JUST GREENED OUT
2) WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE
ate about 70% of a DELICIOUS edible before flipping the package over and reading the dosage on the back. see y’all next week bc apparently this one is over for me
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PUT ME IN COACH PUT ME IN
Watched a whole ass YouTube vid about Sucker Punch last night and I need everyone to know this is how all men should look like
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the non-binary urge to look like a fruity alien pirate captain who dabbles in time travel
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serving dastardly dude—the likes of which would perhaps be an antagonist in the goofy movie cinematic universe
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so i was just supposed to find out from a vanity fair lie detector test interview that rhys darby’s middle name is MONTAGUE????
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Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill and Other Delicacies…and Delights…and Fishing Equipment.
#OurFlagMeansDeath
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the binder boxer bloomer combo was really doing it for me today🌬️
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me: h-
film majors: 😊quiet on SET🎬🎥do not breathe‼️near me🎞unless u have jacked off 😩💥to THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012)🙏dir. Christopher Nolan
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i don’t think there will ever be a more absurdly specific marriage of my wildest dreams than wearing a yassified Stede fit with Ed’s hair for Fluevog FW 2022 but here we ARE
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doctor: so i took a look at your knee x rays and i’m referring you over to orthopedic surgery. just so you know you’re gonna have to do physical therapy either way and recovery will take months. you’ve got a long road—
me: holy fuck my next Blackbeard cosplay is gonna EATTTTTTTT
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may i suggest running errands in the mullet+binder+open pirate shirt combo
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*extremely deep voice which i totally have* hiiiiiiiiiii :)
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uh yeah not really sure how to say this but i’m on my they/he shit and in the dire event you must refer to me at all, i’d prefer if you did so by the name murphy(or murph, if you’re nasty)
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anne hathaway specifically in brokeback mountain I AM SERIOUSLY IN LOVE WITH YOU
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they all graduated summa cum laude from the University of Hair majoring in Smug Fruity Menace Redemption Arcs in the Secret Heart of Gold School of Slutty Little Waists with a minor in Serving Cu—
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got so stoned i suddenly remembered the evil milf queen from enchanted and how incandescently cunty her dragon design was. the swirly heart in the middle??? fuck off. just a 70 ft iridescent hater. her 250 inch lashes too tough. her bitch too bad. susan sarandon. they KILLED HER
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there is literally nothing stopping me from dressing like this
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felt like a sexy 60s wizard in my strange lil getup today SUE ME
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walk with me. jog, even. perhaps a light sprint. wonderful. now run for your fucking life
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as the legendary Ruby Rhod once said, “I don’t want one position, I want ALL positions!”
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well well well if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions
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intergalactic meteorologist who has never accurately predicted the weather a day in his life
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getting obscenely stoned at the ren faire turned out to be quite the choice bc i was just out there being slow cooked with 2014 tumblr’s horniest patrons and all 2000 people who actually watched Galavant while dressed like a fruity little goat dude and being “m’lady”’d en masse
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your honor they’re exclusively listening to Fall Out Boy again
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[extremely normal volume and not at all on the verge of tears] they literally gave him a cat eye. wow. okay. yeah. nice. very good stuff going on here
someone out there decided to give puss eyeliner and i thank them for it
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i can’t believe it guys i just can’t stop CRYING bc we’ve waited for this moment for so long like it’s been literal YEARS and it’s finally here: easy A is on netflix
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LIFE HACK: if you want to feel handsome as fuck just rip bong and dress like a fruity ass vampire
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sorry y’all i was gonna do a ratatouille baked takes today but i suddenly got some absolutely life altering good news and straight up cried all my makeup off. still crying screaming and throwing up. what the FUCK
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i have plans i cannot share bc the haters will sabotage me i have plans i cannot share bc the haters will sabotage me i have PLANS
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me: holy shit i’m really an adult now and should probably stop spending money willy fucking nilly on goofy shit
[15 minutes later, bong in hand]
his name is aziraphale and i paid extra so that he would smell like strawberries—
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one of the upsides of my 4 year relationship blowing up is being able to do the blackbeard breakup makeup as an everyday look
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getting violently high on a sunny summer afternoon, putting on my most cropped crop top+lowest low rise pants, and blasting Queen songs while walking like a GTA character through the mall just to fuck around in Barnes & Noble for a little while can be so personal,
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me at 15: i’m gonna be rich, famous, and retired at 25!
me at 25: ok so turns out the third edible was a mistake bc i’ve been ruminating on the hyper-specific slutty charm of these unamused fictional dudes in turtlenecks for an unspecified yet uncouth amount of time,
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becoming a “gotta check with the wife first” kinda guy but the wife in question is the moon
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great day for annoying people(Shark Tale Baked Takes just dropped)
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was in the middle of filming an ad when the weed guy showed up so I threw on the gay pirate robe and did what had to be done. The Dude
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losing followers every single time i tweet is not only endlessly hilarious to me but also a metric to tell if i’m really cookin. the fact that this very tweet will be someone’s last straw is already sending me
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got coffee up my nose bc i was wearing the fruity pirate breakup robe at breakfast and my partner(who has not seen OFMD yet) looks up and says “I really like your new robe, by the way. It’s beautiful and it suits you.”
WHY I OUGHTA-
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