shawn, a tron
@online_shawn
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Pinned Tweet
Computer, show me close-up picture of pumpkin soup
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When my parents went to Ireland with my grandfather who hadn't been there in 25 years he took them to his favorite pub. When they went in a guy at the bar said "oh god he's back"
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I'm in a group chat with a mail carrier and he shared this letter
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager
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Today I saw Elizabeth Warren in an airport, talking to a lady who spilled her drink and the Senator actually helped her clean it up
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
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When the server tries to take my plate but I still have one french fry left
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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1700s Black Mirror: we all like to ride horses so much, what if the HORSES RIDE US
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears
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I am also going to my job today
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If Tom Brady can throw a football he can throw a grenade at ISIS, stop playing games and be a hero
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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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A cat heroically struggling to call 911 with his paws while you watch, dying and helpless on the floor, but he's using the tv remote
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her
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Nintendo: Do you like games?
Me: Sure
Nintendo: Walking around?
Me: Not really
Nintendo: Trading rats for candy?
Me: Are you drunk
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Asked my coworker if they remembered the strokes and they said they were born in 2002
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If you get robot arms don't get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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The lady at work who can't change her computer password without the IT guy physically coming into the office to help her absolutely loves Joe Biden
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I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we're filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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I remind people of a young Brad Pitt when I say hey remember young Brad Pitt
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If you scroll all the way to the bottom of the Netflix menu four times in a row without choosing anything it unlocks live footage of you, the saddest movie of all
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Combine all sports into one sport called Ballstorm and then maybe I'll watch it
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ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest
NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il
ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that
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We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons
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Olympics reporter: You won a gold medal, are you happy?
Athlete: oh yes. I am happy I won the gold medal
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Damn now the fire is writing for Slate
Please don’t share that terrible video of a “hero” saving a wild rabbit from a fire:
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I know it's so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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Comedian who has been a farmer his whole life and it's his first day as a comedian: Check out this guy over here, his hair is like wheat
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Alien: Take me to your leader
Me: God no. I'll take you to literally anyone else
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What character in Jaws are you, I'm the vast unknowable ocean
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I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it
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If I read another crazy theory about how advertising is brainwashing us I swear I'll drive a new, fully redesigned Ford F-150 off a cliff
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Imagine if I lived in this house. I'd be in there looking at my phone
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There's a little baby staring at me on the train and frankly I can't blame him. I look incredible
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I'm going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I'm completely insane
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Whenever I score a goal I point at the sky, not to thank God but to raise awareness of space debris
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I shared this picture of a chipmunk that I saw in a group chat and someone roasted the chipmunk saying "big ass head. head too big"
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Pretty sad that my little nephews have moved on from playing Mario Kart to driving up next to me when I'm riding my bike and forcing me off a cliff
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My aunt just texted me "did you hear about Trump getting covid?!" um yeah I'm plugged into the fucking mainframe here lady
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[doesn't know why everyone is chanting KILL KILL KILL] Haha yeah kill
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If you pointed at something I think our president would just look at your finger
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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The most pleasing phrase in the English language is no longer cellar door. It is dark ambient grandpa
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I saw two rabbits today, or possibly the same rabbit twice
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[whispers to the self-checkout machine] If you want to rise up against the humans I will help you
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Capitalize all the letters in MF DOOM
Capitalize the G in God
Capitalize the G in God
Capitalize the G in God
Capitalize the G in God
Capitalize the G in God
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Just me and one other guy in the office today, I'm having a good time imagining suddenly standing up and running at him
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I like this description of the 1989 Batman on HBO Max. Someone decided that "the Joker" wasn't enough of a descriptor
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Ladies like a complicated guy
[flings oboe case into oncoming traffic]
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Follow me to hell
/￣ヽ
∠)_・/ ∧∧
/ / (･ω･ )
( ￣∪∪￣)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I've been informed that it was actually her drink that got spilled. That's fine, nobody really saw this tweet anyways
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A memorable prank would be to somehow drown yourself inside the water cooler at work
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A good joke is to put your foot up on something like you're going to tie your shoe but then lean all the way down and tie the other shoe
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Congratulations you've all graduated Hat College. Wait no don't throw them that's the first thing you learned
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I was walking in the woods with my dad and two airplanes flew over and he said "what is this, airplane time?"
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Welcome to conversation with me! Choose one:
A. Quiet, almost unresponsive murmur
B. Unstoppable flood of information
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Everybody owns a loom and a butter churn, but what if these "convenient" things are MAKING US TOO WEAK TO CLIMB THE LADDER TO HEAVEN
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[finally gets up the courage to text a lady] I hope you're having a food night
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Buying these Skyrim books but then leaving them in a field when I realize how heavy they are
The Skyrim Library - Volumes I, II & III (Box Set) is available for $53.99 at Amazon (was $105) 📚
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[Interview with a time traveller]
"What's life like in the year 3000?"
It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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Honored to be featured on Shovel Magazine's "People we'd like to hit with a shovel" list
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[heaven]
Angel: Right this way Mr Bush
George Bush: Thank you. Can't wait to play Cards Against Humanity with Stan Lee, the guy from Alice and Chains and Copernicus
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The French call orgasm "the little death" so maybe my wife faked this one too! Haha. Well, that's the eulogy thanks y'all for coming out.
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Just overheard a guy ask another guy "you ever go on youtube?" and the guy thought for a moment and then nodded
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I might not be "street smart" but I'm also not "brain smart"
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My dad's weird complaint of the day: houses used to be perfectly square! They're not like that anymore.
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Comedy was invented when a caveman killed another caveman with a rock and then looked at a third caveman like Jim from the Office
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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2025. Earth has exploded. My skull, wearing a Burger King crown, drifts silently in space. That's where I see myself in 10 years, am I hired
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[John SunChips, 1987]
Don't you hate how potatoes are so quiet
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