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@olivem1nt
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Irritable millennial. Former cancer caregiver. Bereaved daughter. Talking about my #grief , trying to find a way forward. she/her.
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Joined August 2020
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Last Seen Profiles
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Robin Lynn Plater
9/3/53 - 5/1/23
My best friend. My hero. No one was tougher than you. Thank you for everything. Rest well, Meema💙💙💙
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I’d give anything for another night like this. I miss her so much; the grief is so intense today, for whatever reason. every good thing and bad thing and everything in between feels unreal without her. life feels unreal
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my mom passed away. not long after I left the room. Id had to leave the hospice to pick up my car from the shop, and I thought I could get back in time to be with her. when I got back to the hospice, the staff were getting ready to call me.
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one thing I’ll never know is whether my mom would want me to be with her when she passes away. I think she would want my support but not want me to watch her take her last breath. either way I’m back by her side now and I don’t see myself leaving the hospice again to go home
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a nurse just did mom’s vitals & the vitals indicate that we’re getting close to the end. I knew that and took the news pretty stoically. I guess I’ve just accepted that this has to happen even though I’m still halfway not comprehending how fast it’s happening
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she should be here . with me and the cats. we should all be laying in bed together watching trash tv or something 🥺💔 I’m so sad today
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I got a call from mom’s oncologist and he now thinks that mom is too sick for chemo and that hospice is the most compassionate choice 💔
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thank you all for your condolences— I appreciate every single comment 💝 it’s a huge comfort to me to know that you all care about me. I think it’s possible my mom waited until I left to pass away; I think it was her last gesture to protect me. so I guess I can be ok with it ❤️
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today marks 6 months without you 💔 woke up to snow on the ground — a harsh reminder that winter is coming, you won’t be here for the holidays, and I’ll soon start a new year without you
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I thanked her for fighting so hard for me, that I loved her, that I’d be okay, that she would be okay, that it was okay to rest, okay to go…
her breathing is shallow and her eyes are slightly open. I know this is normal but it seems so sad to me
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right before I left the hospice tonight, I was staring at the flowers in her room (lovingly picked out by my stepdad) and I started crying bc I realized I’ll never be able to buy her anything cute or nice or pretty ever again 😢 no more cute little surprises
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I’m with mom. her breathing is back to the way it was when I thought she was going to pass soon. she’s comfortable still so there’s nothing left to do but wait. i pulled up the recliner chair and have been holding her hand from time to time
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the job interview went well and they want a second one wednesday, which is also my birthday. I should be thrilled but I’m just stressed and nervous and missing my mom a lot
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I’m home alone and falling apart now 😢💔. thank you all SO MUCH for all of your words of comfort and support. today was a hard day but you made it easier 💗
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is anyone else just baffled by how there’s just nothing left to do for your loved one that’s gone? I can’t deal with it. all I can do is keep her memory alive and it doesn’t feel like enough
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really missing my mom so much. it’s so intense 💔💔💔 it’ll be 6 months on Wednesday . I just don’t get how I’m supposed to do this for the rest of my life
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spent the night with my mom. talked to her a little bit last night and she moaned and started to move around. it could’ve been that she needed more meds or it could’ve been that she knew I was there, J don’t know. this morning I’m hearing the terminal secretions very clearly 😕
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I’m glad I pained her nails on our last “good day” . I think she enjoyed it
managed to paint mom’s nails 💅🏾 and we are together ❤️we are having a decent day aside from fighting sleep 😴
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I’ve told my mom some things over the days. thanked her for fighting so hard for me , that I’m lucky we got to live together, that she broke the cycle & was a great mom to me despite her mom being so cruel to her. things like that ❤️
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my mom’s primary care physician came to visit her anyway, even after I told her what condition she was in & that she was unconscious and sedated. she brought me dinner and talked with me for over an hour 🥺💗 she was the doctor we saw the least as we were
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One year. I never wanted this day to come. I don’t know exactly why — it’s just like every other day without my mom in my life. There is something about an entire year having gone by, though. As much as I’ve told myself that a year doesn’t really mean anything, it does.
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july 4th 2019.
she’d kill me for posting this 😂
but this is who she was ! 🎸 🤘🏾
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@shitscaredmum
this is my mom, Robin, who passed away this May, 6 years after her cancer diagnosis. she was warm, kind, and loving and was my best friend 💗 she loved babies, animals, cooking, gardening, music, and day trips. I miss her every moment of every day ❤️
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the wait is excruciating. mom’s breathing patterns change all the time. I think I know when to expect it & then it doesn’t happen. at least she’s comfortable— that’s all I can say. I miss our pets, though. and getting sleep. in my own bed 😴
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cats on mom’s stripped bed. they’re cute but also it’s very sad. this was also the kind of thing I’d send her when she was in the hospital
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mom getting ready to transition as everything is blooming and as mother’s day is right around the corner feels so cruel. I’m sure that spring will always remind me of this time
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it might be a testament to how well I knew my mom that I pretty much knew she’d wait until I wasn’t in the room to pass. as I’ve learned from all of you here and from others, it’s really common. makes me think she heard or sensed me the whole time. that’s comforting ❤️
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I wish I had words, but there are none. I will miss
@CancerCanuck
tremendously. He was such a great person, and he always met me with such understanding when I was navigating caring for my mom, and later, grieving for her. As he’d say about others, he won his fight.
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managed to lose nearly 20 pounds by cutting alcohol, eating healthier & going on long walks in the evening. I’m proud of myself maybe 2 times a year but I gotta say, I am actually really proud of achieving this at a time where I could’ve gone in the opposite direction
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I just got home from another visit with mom. I couldn’t stay away, especially after going through a bunch of old pictures today and sobbing over them. I read her that little book again. she is still resting comfortably.
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I’m still in shock, I guess. as much as I knew it was coming, it came at us so fast
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although I didn’t see my mom in her last minutes, I arrived back to her room right after she died. I ended up spending so much time in her room afterward; first, alone, and then with my stepdad. I was numb and detached but my stepdad was the most devastated I’ve seen him
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lost another to cancer in my family today. although quite an extended family member, I cared a lot about her and followed her 8 year journey. she inspired 100s if thousands & everyone that knew her is rightly devastated 💔
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woke up feeling like I just can’t do it anymore. just can’t be resilient anymore. this depression shit is hitting so hard this entire month
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two months into this awful bereavement, I am more haunted by all of the suffering that my mom went through than comforted about the fact that she’s no longer in pain .
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all I want is one more little moment with my mom, like eating ice cream together or getting groceries together or sharing an inside joke. or just a hug. I’m gonna be heartbroken forever
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so my sister, who lives in Florida but was in town, was able to visit my mom before I got back to the hospice but then stopped answering my texts when I was trying to get in touch bc she didn’t want me to know our dad is in the hospital right across the street from the hospice
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I love this so much . it���s a glass portrait that is especially beautiful when the sun shines through it. so fitting for my mom 💗
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after I read this book to mom last night, I left it resting on her tummy. her nurse walked in not long ago and told me she had also read a little bit of it to my mom !! 🥹🥹🥹 how kind ❤️
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I was worried about never having recorded my mom’s laugh and then desperately trying to remember it and then I found this video 😆
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I have a job interview on monday morning. I’m nervous. and, of course, I wish I could tell my mom about it
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tbh I am not very good at sitting and talking to mom. I’m more of the silent, sit next to her type . I do talk to her but just not as much as people suggest . I hope this isn’t a mistake somehow. with a brain like mine everything feels like the wrong choice even when it isn’t
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you all are amazing ❤️ thank you for telling me that my mom would be proud of me 🥹
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I went to my caregiver support group tonight to tell them the news but also get support. the other group members said they could tell by my body language that something had happened. but they also said that I was loyal, caring, and even admirable 🥺❤️
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I know my family dynamics must be super confusing 😂 I am my mom’s only child. I’m my dad’s 4th and youngest child. my stepdad is my mom’s husband, although they’ve been separated 10 years. mom and I lived together & I was and still am her primary caregiver
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I’ve been putting jazz music on in her room and melting scented wax cubes for aromatherapy and I think she would’ve enjoyed both of those things ❤️
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I cant keep up with all of the responses I’m getting from you all but please know that I read appreciate every single response and all of your support ❤️
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I don’t think I’d told my mom recently how sorry I was for all that happened to her 😔
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services went well. but my social battery is done 🪫☹️ everyone wants to laugh and eat and talk and I just want to lay in silence
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she was so cute, to me. just precious. I doted on her the same way she did on me. she often teased that I had become her mother & that the roles had reversed, because of how I’d hold her hand while walking with her or freak out when I couldn’t get in touch with her etc etc
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on a more uplifting note, I took this picture last night when the sky was beautiful. my mom loved looking at and taking pictures of the sky and it made me think of her. in the past, I would’ve sent it to her 🤍
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basically, I thought I’d immediately experience that intense, soul crushing, body rocking grief and it’s been a lot quieter and sporadic and … not intense. not yet. but it bothers me, and I’m more likely to cry about feeling guilty than anything else. I really hate my brain
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I’ll probably make a break for it in a few hours to go check on our pets and maybe even take a real nap. and I already know I’ll feel bad if something happens while I’m away, but if it does, maybe it was meant to be
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always going to specialists, but she went out of her way to do this after a full workday and cooking dinner for her family 😭
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goofing off in the infusion room, spring 2020. we both look horrible in this picture but I like it because it captures what our relationship was like ❤️
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I really love this one. it’s like she’s reaching out to hug someone. this photo will also be featured in the funeral program. (I’ve seen a preview and it looks so nice 🥹)
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I got a call from my mom’s primary care physician — she wanted to know how both of us were doing and if she could visit my mom at the hospice 🥺 this doctor also agrees hospice was the best choice. so I guess that’s a sign to quit beating myself up
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1 month without you here on this earth. it feels shorter and also longer
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this first Mother’s Day without my mom being only 13 days after her death and 2 days after her funeral means that this holiday is really just wrapped into the newness and rawness of it all. next year will be harder
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13 months without her. what I would give to wake up and come out of my room to a scene like this again 🥺🧡
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endless thanks to all of you 💗I’d be so much more of a mess if not for the community here ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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guilt sucks, but as someone on here said, it can & will rewrite the reality of what actually happened. I was trying to make it so that I’d be with my mom for the entire time, knowing full well that she was likely the type they wouldn’t have wanted me to witness her last breath
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now I’m crying because I never brought her any of the cats so that she could see them😢 I thought she’d have a chance to go home 😔😔😔 and car rides seem to scare them
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the obituary, slideshow photos, program photos, song selections, and order of service are all due by tomorrow . Id be taking it slow but it’s actually crunch time 😩
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someone from my grief group got me a card and a giftcard all because I waited with her until her Uber arrived a couple weeks ago 🥺😭I was actually thinking of my mom while doing that — she’d have been the type to wait with that lady, or offer her a ride home
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she was so cute 💗
(I took this pic because I thought her outfit was ridiculous — she was going outside to feed the cats & it was raining)
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getting through one year of grief doesn’t automatically mean all the “firsts” are over
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today’s my last bereavement counseling session. I’m so lucky that hospice provided a whole 13 MONTHS of counseling free of charge, but sad to be losing a counselor. another goodbye I guess but I can handle it 😮💨
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saw a gif of a cartoon mommy rabbit hugging her babies and now I’m crying. of all things. I also saw 3 cute little goose families earlier and all of them had goslings and I thought of my mom immediately. I’m starting to realize anything can be a trigger
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I still can’t believe that my telling my mom that she didn’t have to keep doing treatment if she didn’t want to made her feel like I thought she should give up / I was giving up on her. I guess if I think hard enough, I do understand. I’ll never say it again that’s for sure
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my body may be feeling more than my mind is right now because I am so fatigued it’s almost unreal
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I’m really astounded at how many people have read through my story here on Twitter 💜it means a lot
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1 more thing. tonight I went to dinner with a friend & not long after we sat down at our table, Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix started playing. it was one of my mlm’s favorite songs as teenager — she even asked her dad to paint her room “purple haze” after that song came out💜
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dropped off leftover medical supplies at the hospice my mom was at. I’m so glad they took them and can use them ❤️ my mom would’ve liked that. she would’ve done the same. and I also got a pep talk and a hug from the receptionist there 🥹
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I think the second interview went well too 🙌🏾 so fingers crossed I get a good result. now I can stop worrying and enjoy my birthday lol
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every time I can’t cry and then I suddenly can, I’m relieved that I’m not somehow unfeeling and cold. it doesn’t matter that rationally I know that my brain is protecting me and in shock. irrationally I feel as though I should be a complete mess 24/7 because this is my mom ffs
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I promise to get back to all of you. thank you all for your support. I’ve been either sleeping on the pull out bed in mom’s room or lying awake listening to her snore
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she kept all the “mom” cards I gave her tucked in her mirror❤️ and a few bonus pics of little me 🥹❤️🩹
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my resolution is to stop judging myself for how I feel or don’t feel because it’s not getting me anywhere
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this cookie that I bought my mom for Valentine’s Day 2020 is still in our fridge. I used to tease her about not eating it or throwing it away, but the jokes on me now because I won’t be getting rid of it either
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went through a bunch of photos. what pushed me over the edge was not this photo but that my mom was told by her own mom that she was ugly. my mom never believed she was pretty or cute or anything. & not 2 weeks ago she was in the hospital telling me how pretty I looked
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they lay on/near me a lot. maybe they want to comfort me. it’s working. I’m having my nightly cry but at least I have them
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I noticed that there was a theme in a lot of our pictures together where she’s always to the left of me. so that’s how I’d like to imagine her, still — hovering by my left side ❤️
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I guess it’s good I mostly feel okay enough now to have this as my phone wallpaper. I love this phot because it’s like she’s reaching out to give me a hug, but at the same time it makes me sad because I wish I could get a hug from her, still 💔
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I should’ve been shopping for a nice mother’s day gift for her, not buying a burial outfit and planning her funeral. but the feeling of wanting to do something kind for her is about the same. I still want to do right by her. I still want to give her something nice
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I’m running on pretzels, water and trail mix this morning and I feel a headache coming on. and we are getting ready to plan my mom’s funeral or memorial service 😶
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no agitation today, at all. meds have been upped and mom seems really peaceful. there’s a lot of the kind of breathing changes I knew would happen eventually, but it’s not as distressing as watching her be agitated or uncomfortable. I really think the end is near, just as
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had one of those big ugly cries in my car and it did help. I don’t even remember what triggered that wave 😟
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also… I could be wrong . it’s hard to predict when we’ve already thought mom was going to pass away twice already this past week. it’s so hard to know. even the doctors and nurses have said it’s between her and a higher power 🥺
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