cor ❥
@okiecorri
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(♡ μ_μ) • 18+ • burden to the internet • mutuals @okiecutie • books/games • (◕‿↼)
Dallas, TX
Joined August 2009
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Pinned Tweet
they’re not “red flags” they’re “fun facts about me”
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i personally think cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup
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u and ur person laying on the grass and vibing call that soil mates
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world
people with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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depression knows my love language is quality time so it hangs out with me 24/7
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my serotonin when i crunch on a crispy fall leaf be like 📈 and then i just crunch crunch crunch my troubles away
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dumbledore takes 200 points from slytherin for breaking social distancing rules but gives gryffindor 500 for being brave enough to hug one another in trying times
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i think my brain got confused. it’s sunday funday not sunday stress about everything out of ur control day
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me: *wakes up late for work* why am i so scattered
me: *skips breakfast* i don’t get it
me: *dehydrated* make it make sense
me: *stays up til 4am again* clueless, truly
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me: *avoids making an important phone call for weeks*
also me: *finally makes important phone call but gets voicemail* well, i tried! guess i’ll put it off for another month
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are we just gonna ignore the fact that harry potter killed a man at 11 years old
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writer: ok there’s a group of people
exec: ok
writer: and all they do is hang at a coffee shop
exec: eh
writer: there will be three good jokes maybe
exec: pass
writer: ok but jennifer aniston doesn’t wear a bra
exec: i’ll take 10 seasons
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Writer: i have an idea for a kids movie
Exec: what is it
Writer: there’s a couple with dogs
Exec: ok
Writer: like, a hundred dogs. give or take. and there’s an evil lady who wants to skin them for fur coats
Exec: how is this for kids
Writer: how is it not
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kid: [breaks open piñata] are these... receipts
dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids
kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata
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men always think i take my glasses off during sex so they don’t get damaged but really i just don’t wanna see a dick in high definition
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nothing is more stressful than trying to laugh in the group chat when “haha” “lol” and “lmao” have already been used
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a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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what’s the ugliest letter in your handwriting? mine is ‘k’ i can’t write a good looking one to save my actual life
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imagine walking 500 miles then 500 more and finding out google maps fucked up
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saying “happy new year”:
-unoriginal
-makes u sound like a boomer
-no one’s happy we’re just drunk
saying “welcome to the future”:
-dope as h*ck
-friendly
-have you been there the whole time? they’ll never know
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@badboychadhoy
bro i don’t even NEED to smoke but like if i DONT smoke i absolutely canNOT function like at ALL bro so that’s why i gotta smoke but don’t NEEDA smonk ya feel?
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happy mother’s day to mrs. norton whom i accidentally called mom in front of my entire 3rd grade class
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joseph: u need to push
mary [gritting teeth]: im not having a capricorn
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the sexual tension between u and the last breadstick in the basket
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usa: hello one breakfast please
uk: tea n crumpets
usa: no
uk: black pudding!
usa: god no
uk: bubbLE N SQUEAK
usa: w-what
uk: [eyes rolling back] BEANS N TOAST
usa: this is why we left u
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i’m sorry for what i over-shared due to overcompensating for crippling social anxiety
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david attenborough: lookit this cute little defenseless creature :)
me: aw
[low intense violins start playing]
david attenborough: lookit this deceptively cute predator :)
me: david no
david attenborough: circle of life :)
me: :(
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gonna be honest with myself for halloween since that’s as scary as it gets
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my (24F) cat (4M) thinks it’s OK to just tip my glass over as if it is not filled with vodka i paid money for while he lives rent free ??????
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we really let flo rida go “shawty was hot like a toaster” we just let him say that
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him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
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me: the earth is flat
duck: *quacks*
me: the moon landing is fake
duck: *quacking intensifies*
park ranger: stop feeding them lies
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men complain about wearing a mask but have been masking their emotions for years
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the patriarchy is so established a woman could scream into the void and it'd still shout back 'well, actually'
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everyone check in on your friends with november/december/january birthdays. they get combo christmas/bday presents every year and they’re not okay
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all things considered? life is pretty trash but like… all things NOT considered? it’s not so bad!
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calling my boss a simp every time they tell me good job just to throw a wrench in the power dynamic
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i don’t like to call it “having a panic attack in the staff bathroom AGAIN” i like to call it “staying on brand”
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “FATHER”
me: can i get a definition
judge: formal name for what ur mom called me last night
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things i have in common with a starbucks trash can:
• loaded with 50 cups of coffee
• drips everywhere
• no one wants to take me out
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before i knew what a blowjob actually was i got really excited bc i fucken shredded on the recorder
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saw it on the tl had to buy it (my tiddies don’t do it justice don’t @ me i like it and that’s what matters ok)
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wife: i wanted to go out but here u are spending another night building this stupid ark
noah: [looks up] hoes mad
god: [nods] hoes mad
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me: spank me
dealer [sliding me a card]: have u played blackjack before
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i now identify as a cookie because i’m getting dunked on by the universe at an alarming rate
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interrogator: if you didn’t do it tell me who did
soulja boy: youuuuuuu
interrogator: [in handcuffs] o fuck
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a dude once said he’d never send me an unsolicited dick pic but later gifted me an abstract painting of it as if that was somehow less bad
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couples therapist: why are you crying?
me: he said he’s gonna leave me for joe
therapist: who’s joe
husband: *giggling*
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missy elliott baking pineapple cake: put that thang down flip it and reverse it
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people irl get on me because i say everything like a question? i’m sorry i have zero confidence?? in even my own words??? please stop hurting my feelings??????
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@jazz_inmypants
widdle baby want to scwoll instagwam?? read a book. 😭 basically how i read my screen time
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one bloody mary in at the airport bar and i’m ready to walk up and board priority with my economy ticket because i know my worth
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[divorce court]
wife: he went to mcdonald’s and didn’t even bring me fries
judge: and did u ask for some
husband: she said she wasn’t hungry
judge: *scoffing* and u believed her??
husband: i—
judge: [bangs gavel] i find the defendant guilty... of being an absolute noob
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charlie brown and hulk hogan saying oh brother back and forth til the end of time
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me: im leaving u
bf: ur cold blooded
me: [shedding skin] yes and the desert beckons
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anxiety is weird in that i would rather go on a million first dates than unwrap gifts in front of people while they wait for my reaction
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sorry my best friend won christmas with this shirt and u can tell i like it bc im real smiling
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god: honor ur mom and dad
me [during sex]: daddy
god: not like that
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kid: [reads another] ...couples therapy?!
dad: never have children
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me: im sad
doc: i know what will help
me: any major downsides
doc: *opening door to room full of puppies* in 10-15 years you’ll experience unimaginable heartbreak
me: *snuggles puppy* im a glutton for punishment
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fuck, marry, kill: wearing socks to bed, sleeping in jeans, socks with no shoes
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tried running from my demons but they’re too fast in their light-up shoes
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harry: i’m the seeker
cho: what’s that mean
harry: i have the eyes of a hawk. i can find anything
cho: where’s the clit
harry: [visibly sweating] what lol
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me [on the phone]: ya mom can u pick me up from the party? they think liking IPAs is a personality
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me: *yells at people on survival shows*
also me: *gets tummy ache after one hot chip and trips over my own feet*
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how rude of my brain to keep me up past 4am yet again even tho i nurtured it with sleeping til noon, lots of caffeine, and a healthy dose of 12 hours on my phone
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anxious bf + anxious gf + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + support cat + + support cat + support ca
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everyone keeps using the phrase “dumber than a box of rocks” but have we ever given the rocks freedom?? they could be little geniuses, each one of them
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me: i’m lonely
also me: *doesn’t reach out to anyone, says no to plans, just read and play games and pet cats all day and never see the sun*
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everything i know about cars i learned from lying to men about liking cars on first dates and them not shutting up about it the rest of the night
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jesus: g?
god: what it do?
jesus: fuck these sinners
god: u right
jesus: kill them plz
god: nah fam *hitting blunt* we killin u
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NASA is 100% that petty bitch who cropped Pluto out of the group pic just because she’s thin & fit
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eve: *eating an apple*
adam: wtf g-man said no
eve: g-MaN sAiD nO
voice in the sky: CAN👏🏻CELLED👏🏻
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brains be like if u don’t have good vibes at home store bought is fine
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if my doordash guy didn’t wanna see me in my no-sex underwear and day 5 no-shower hair then maybe he should’ve followed the “leave at my door” instructions
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my (26f) cat (3m) is hard at work making biscuits on my lap, i can’t possibly leave. should i just quit my job and be a SAHCM (stay at home cat mom)?
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