juliAn (halloween edition)
@oigevalt
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healthcare it dev, writer, former academic, very short. she/they/hey dipshit
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Just called the leather guy flogging the evil knight "daddy" three times and I still have not been kicked out of Medieval Times. Incredible.
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can’t even think of a caption, I’m just absolutely over the moon about these pics
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I’m losing my fucking mind right now, like I’m sorry but this is genuinely the funniest thing anyone could possibly say in a resignation speech
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elizabeth warren: listen to what amy klobuchar said
amy klobuchar: :)
elizabeth warren: it was bullshit
amy klobuchar: :/
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Dan got so excited about planning our trip that he made a PowerPoint. these were the first two slides
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“thems the breaks”! “THEMS THE BREAKS”!!!!! I can’t stop laughing oh my god
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cicadas have taken over Nashville and my coworker told me about his 4yo daughter who, on her way in to the YMCA, picked a bunch up in her hands, walked in, twirled up to the front desk, and said to the attendants “hello ladies. do any of you want to see some cicadas?” I’m howling
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@Unmagiically
@isabellablowme
remember when we bought those acid tabs off that random stoner at Riot Fest and they ended up being just little pieces of paper and we missed half a day of the festival because we were waiting for them to kick in
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it’s that five minutes of fall Chicago gets every year, and boy howdy is this a pretty one
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really looking forward to the video clip so i can 1. get a gif of amy's face sinking like that; and 2. remember what they were talking about
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@MandelaFace
@NotABigJerk
finally, this tiktok I’ve had saved in my camera roll for over a year is relevant
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fall is the worst season for me but who cares about trauma when you’ve got photos of a possum go cronchcronchcronch, you know?
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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit enter a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asks what the rabbit’s blood type is, and the rabbit replies, “I’m probably a Type O”.
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was not expecting this joke to take off. folks I appreciate that y’all enjoy my sense of humor but I was clearly high out of my gourd
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I’ve been laughing at this for literally days now, we’ve gone full smooth brain baby
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"I don't know why you think you ordered a macchiato. You definitely ordered a cold brew, but whatever you want to believe..."
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I just saw these numbers and CHOKED I thought this was gonna have like 40 favs what happened
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@della_morte_
yep, she’s just real stupid. remember how she tried sailing a homemade houseboat down the Mississippi and only brought live chickens, a sewing machine, and 20 pounds of potatoes?
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@sarahschauer
oh girl we aren’t more put together at all, we just have better furniture and know our angles
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can’t believe they would destroy a local business. how will this Chicago storefront ever recover
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sorry does anyone know what the fuck this means
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we say this shit every year but by april we're dehydrated and asking for mcdonalds money
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@OgLakyn
some of these things make no fucking sense, like who needs that lighting at a desk job? wouldnt your office have all of those supplies? what good would that mini tape dispenser actually do?? she didn't say WHY she needed that thing for her laptop just that it was a must have????
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when my parents were new to LA, Richard asked my mom out. she didn’t know it was a date, so she didn’t mention her bf; Richard found out when he came to pick her up and my dad opened the door. most men would run, but Richard just rolled w it. rest in peace to an absolute legend
Richard Lewis Dies: Beloved Comic, 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' Actor Was 76
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is this anti-semitism because it sure feels like it
Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!
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like every story about her makes me cackle, this kid absolutely has a career in comedy waiting for her once she can read and write
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the gag is i had to check my calendar before posting this to make sure it was actually tuesday
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hooting and hollering at the idea of spousal murder privilege
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I’m at the Jets Pizza, I’m at the spiritual rejuvenation boutique, I’m at the combination
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this makes sense, we all know COVID can only be transmitted after midnight
Bars and restaurants that sell alcohol now have to close at midnight, the city says.
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you ever call a cat only to have them look an entirely different direction? or is Dido even stupider than I thought
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ladies! cuffing season’s halfway through. have you started planning how to midsommar your boyfriend? call me for all your hallucinogenic tea and bear suit needs.
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me in 2008: I’d never send someone a risqué picture, that’s so slutty and it could end up on the internet
me in 2018: you can have the twitter friend special, $100 for 5 butt pics which is basically one for free
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tired: perfectly curated party playlist
wired: making one playlist for the function, one to signal people that it’s time to leave
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just like vinyl came back in style, may I re-introduce you to: picture frames
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I wonder how many times I can say “literally nothing matters, the world is going to be uninhabitable in 20 years” at work before I get in trouble
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we interrupt our regular stupid content to bring you: my new haircut :)
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1. Performative for the Likes
2. You’re Asking For It With That Outfit (The Summer Song)
3. Females
4. I Have A Daughter So Women Are People Now (ft Keith Urban)
5. My Dogs Gonna Keep His Balls (Masculinity is Fragile)
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@sassyblackdiva
if I were a pettier bitch I would screenshot this and post this on my ig story now that my feed is full of people getting together without masks
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my mom did some background voiceover work in her heyday and nearly 30 years later we still sometimes get royalty checks. well folks, good news:
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such a short commute to work!! filling out mortgage paperwork now!!
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going to start calling Kacey Musgraves fans “Musgrateers”
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every kid in the north suburbs knew that Michael Jordan’s house was THEE spot for Halloween. the ritzy neighborhood was good trick-or-treating, sure, but MJ’s house was a gold mine.
People surprised Michael Jordan used to drive around Chicago in a bright red Range Rover with “Two Trey” on the plate, clearly forgot he had a giant “23” on the gate to his house 🤣🤣
He wasn’t hiding!
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@VanityFair
this is misleading and, quite frankly, an incredibly dangerous headline to run. instead of going with what makes for a good story, please try to listen to the foremost experts who have covered this extensively (including the error-ridden report)
The recent Senate report on COVID origins is overtly political & contains many factual errors.
Some of the most glaring are extremely basic but may not seem so to a non-virologist. As I am a virologist, I can help. Let’s talk about biosafety at WIV.
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wow my girlfriend took me on a picnic and out of nowhere a busker came up singing “happy birthday” on guitar, and with the sunglasses + hat + mask combo it took me a solid 5 seconds to realize it was my dad and she had successfully pulled of a public humiliation bday surprise
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those are all sex bracelets and half of them are from gerri
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man I don't care how fancy you are vaping is still dumb
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people who have PCs and use an iPhone are chaotic neutrals. conversely, people who have Macs and use Android phones are chaotic evil
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I looked good and went out on a weeknight, please clap
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if i was single i swear i could absolutely fuck any knight i wanted at this medieval times
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I ordered a shrimp cocktail with dinner the other night and did not know until it arrived that you had to order it by piece
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finally trying on some of my impulse buys from the Christopher John Rogers x Target collection, and even with the bad lighting in my bedroom and no makeup I haven’t felt this pretty in a very long time
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I don’t have “baby fever” so much as I have “auntie fever”. I need my friends to start having kids so I can load them up on sugar, spoil the shit out of them, teach them kindness and insults in other languages, and return them when they start crying on the come-down.
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I have an incredibly patient dog and a very annoying roommate
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wasn’t disgusted by my face today, and after an extended series of days where i could not say the same im counting that as a w!
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today is my mom's birthday. i didn't know her, but from what i've been told she would have been livid at me for revealing her age, so we'll stick with a generic salutation of "happy birthday, mama! i love you and miss you terribly."
give your mom a big hug from me today, please.
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it’s Gene Parmesan’s first birthday, everyone say “happy birthday Geney baby”
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a year ago today, I brought home a 2.5lb agent of chaos on a whim. not a day goes by where he hasn’t made me laugh; even on days when he mauls me, which thankfully are less frequent now. he’s brave, dumb, and loves to hunt bugs. he’s the best lil weirdo around! Happy Gene Day!!!!
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my roommate just told me that her small town in Texas had annual hoedowns and would crown a Hoedown Queen, but they had to change the name because nobody wanted to be Hoedown Queen anymore
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it's important to understand attractiveness inflation between cities so you know your place on the food chain
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spent four hours at the Met today and these were the the four best photos I got of art in the the American Wing
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don’t undervalue yourself. tell him you’re pregnant and get that $500 bag
business plan:
1. get an IUD
2. let him hit it raw
3. “i want you to cum in me baby”
4. call him next day & ask for plan b
5. stack that 54 dollars
6. find a new man
7. repeat
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oh, so close! calling a woman in her late 30s “at the end of her runway” negates any good point you were trying to make
Dating a woman through her thirties and then leaving her at the end of her runway is evil evil stuff
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damn, guess I gotta set him free :/
Congress passes 'Tiger King' bill banning all private big cat ownership‼️🐅
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I told my roommate that I wanted my baby cousin and my dog to be the flower girls at my wedding and she said “haha, but what if...what if they threw tacks, like tacks instead of flowers. like they were tack girls”
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the lighting in my bedroom is abysmal but i got all dressed up to make myself pasta and sit on my couch alone and i had to show someone
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just had my second interview with a v v good job and i think it went well and if y'all could like, send good vibes or prayers or w/e in my direction, that'd be great
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hey good news guys, lenny’s tumor pathology report came back, it is benign and big man is going to be just fine. everyone say congratulations leonard
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grateful to have a gynecologist for a stepmother so i can get quick and frank answers for my dumb as fuck questions
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