Nick Simmons
@notnicksimmons
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Standup comedian. Not Gene Simmons son
New York, USA
Joined January 2012
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Just taught a really old man what YouTube is and how to use it and he was blown away. He’s like “I never woulda imagined in my lifetime I’d see something like this”. It took everything in me not to show him pornhub
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Feel bad for all the girls stuck in quarantine with their new boyfriends on day 21 of pretending they don’t poop.
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Saw grindr was trending so here’s my awkward experience
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If you’re living In NYC and you were eating Papa Johns to begin with you are also the problem
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“Hey there Delilah what’s it like in New York City?”
Delilah: Not good bro. Do you not watch the news?
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Dina Hashem’s joke was great. You’d really expect a fan base of people on Xanax would be a lot more chill
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Its funny to me when people ask fit people “whats the secret?”. You think they can keep a secret?? The minute they get a new vein in their arm they post a picture and a “how to” video on social media.
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If you take shots at Pete Davidson or Ariana and blame them for Mac Miller you obviously don’t know how things like inner demons and addiction work. So maybe you should hold off on sounding ignorant on a public forum
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“Hey there Delilah what’s it like in New York City”
Delilah: I can’t afford my apartment, A homeless guy jerked in front of me on the train, my landlord is an actual rat but I’ll say the pizza is good
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Trying to get people kicked off tv and fired is both the idea behind cancel culture and ironically the plot of Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice“.
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Am I the only one that noticed Robert Deniro is slowly turning into George Washington?
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This Thurs through Sat I’m in Texas! I’m headlining the Vulcan in Austin Thurs 8pm and 4 shows in Fort Worth 19th-20th! Get your tickets now!
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I’m 9% bodyfat but the dr said since I’m 5’8 and 195lbs I’m “obese” on the BMI scale. I’m like are you a doctor or an abusive ballet coach?
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People that say “I don’t need coffee to wake up” are just the morning version of people who “don’t need to drink to have a good time”.
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You know Chris Christie will survive the coronavirus. You know he ain’t dying before the McRib comes back out
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Fun fact: Waist trainers don’t do anything. It’s just a corset.
So there’s a literally a bunch of guys in gyms now trying to look badass while wearing Upper class women’s wear from the 16th century
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Tonight I’m in Louisville for the first time! Then this Weekend I’m at Bricktown in OKC on sat and Tulsa on Sunday! Get your tickets now
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Happy Easter please celebrate at home because being elderly makes a person high risk & God is 7,000 years old.
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Girls gain weight and just keep pulling their high waisted jeans up until one day they become an Italian Grandfather.
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Girl goes years without having sex: Writes a memoir
Guy goes years without sex: Writes a manifesto
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Someone: Wow, did you lose weight?
Me: (celebrates by eating pizza the next 9 days)
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You know you’re in a relationship when you send nudes to your girl and she just looks at the background and reliplies “Jesus nick I just cleaned that room”
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Romeo and Juliet only knew eachother for 4 days. If that happened in 2019 Juliet would have ghosted him and screenshotted all his messages and been like “watch out for this thirst bucket I saw him outside my window” on her instastory
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When you’re young it’s all about having the expensive flashy stuff. When you get older you brag by telling everyone how good of a deal you got.
Person: wow that’s a nice shirt
Me: (yelling) $8 TJ MAX!
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Mexicans gave me the biggest L i’ve ever taken on the job
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It’s less comfortable to walk in on someone masturbating than to walk in on them making a Tik Tok
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If you ever feel like you made a bad decision it’s ok just know some guys have woken up and thought “I’m gonna grow a handlebar mustache”
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Thought I had more time with this Joe Biden joke but I guess it ended yesterday like his plans of presidential reelection.
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To the comics: If the Tinder Swindler could put in the effort to get random girls to send him $10million then you can put the effort in to get people that like you to spend $20 to come see you perform.
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@lindsaytheis
If this got less then 900 likes I would have ended the friendship but this was worth it
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Joe Rogan moderating the presidential debate sounds amazing.
Rogan: First question: have either of you guys tried DMT?
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Ever since mushrooms have been decriminalized in Denver I’ve seen multiple people say “what’s next heroine? All of them spelt is “heroine”. They’re gonna be so upset when they find out it’s not illegal to be a heroic woman.
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Can’t wait for the roaring 2020’s with the prohibition of vapes and vapor speakeasies open up all over the city
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Can’t wait for things to reopen and I can use the excuse “it’s still not safe there” for all the places my gf wants to go but I don’t.
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Calories don’t count for these next few hours that Myfitnesspal is down. Welcome to the Purge
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Girls will have the nerve to wait two hours to text you back like “sorry I barely ever look at my phone” then be on the on the phone the whole time you’re hanging out
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MSNBC needs to yell “Kobe!” When they throw Alison Morris and her career in the garbage today
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I told this to
@lindsaytheis
in private but now it got over 1000 likes so go like it anyway
I know you’re not supposed to have heroes but this girl fucked my guy friend after a comedy show & then told him she didn’t think his standup was funny.
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Can we pass a law that birthdays this year don’t count and we don’t age again till next year?
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Gyms opening in NY and I already see “I can’t workout with a mask” all over as if the mask is what was stopping you from going.
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Why do boomers give us shit and call us the “Participation Trophy generation” as if we went out after the game and bought our own trophies? Its like bro you guys started it bc you were mad your kid sucked at baseball.
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Must be so sad for it to be your birthday & you celebrate by singing happy birthday while washing your hands.
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Saw a guy at the gym propose to his gf and she said yes! But that wasn’t the best part. The best was all the girls in the background turning up their stair masters in anger. They were stepping so hard it sounded like Stomp the Musical.
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The most common last name in everyone’s phone contacts is always “Tinder”
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If you’re a grown man and you’re wearing leggings to the gym I’m not asking you how many more sets you got left on the machine I’m just taking it
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Dudes with the word “Loyalty” tattoed on them always look like they definitely cheat on their girlfriend
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Facebook and Instagram are down so i’ll actually post my standup on here for once.
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Uber pool: Your driver is picking up Molly then coming to you.
Me: Well, that’s how you get 5 stars
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Shout out to the person when someone posts bad news says “what happened”. We were all thinking it but we weren’t socially unaware enough to say it. So thank you
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Had the honors of being the first comedian to perform on the legendary Victor Martinez classic bodybuilding show. This was amazing but also a first time I was the least jacked person on a show I was on.
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I think the guy at this pizzeria is high. I just paid him and then he held the receipt up to the light to make sure it’s real.
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People get so riled up about who’s playing the new Batman, you’d think he was in charge of the abortion law.
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Financial Status: Checked my balance at the ATM and said out loud “Am I really an adult?”
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“NYC is dead”
-Some guy with a Minnesota accent that pronounces Mozzarella “Mahtza-rella”
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Earth in 2020 feels like the last seasons of Lost when the writers didn’t know wtf was going on either.
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Friend: “Isn’t it gonna be annoying to have to wear a mask at the gym?”
Me: Buddy, i’ll wear nipple tassels if that’s what it takes to deadlift again
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Anytime you feel like life is moving too fast just do cardio. Every minute on the treadmill is equivalent to one dog year.
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Friend: you’re in good shape what are you talking about?
BMI chart: You’re Morbidly obese get help
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Life hack: My fiancé asked me what kind of cake I want for the wedding and I said “Protein cake” and now i’ve been relieved of all decisions.
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Current situation: Missing all the uber drivers that used to try to talk to me. I took you all for granted.
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Nobody:
Every white guy with an accoustic guitar: Want to hear me play wonder wall?
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Kids born during the coronavirus will now be known as the Baby Zoomers.
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this show was 🔥
Set times tonight! Both shows are SOLD OUT but there will be a stand by line. You can sign up for stand by, first come first serve, at our box office open now!
#hollywoodimprov
#comedy
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Comedian video reaction stream again since last night was so fun!
#twitch
#twitchfam
#TwitchPartner
#twitchprime
#twitchkittens
@TwitchRTCBot
@Quickest_Rts
@Retweelgend
@Retweet_Twitch
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They say you should do cardio for 30 minutes a day for weight loss and someone was like “I heard sex is great cardio”. So I tried that but I don’t know what to do for the other 29 minutes?
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America is quarantined on its birthday and celebrating by singing happy birthday to itself while washing its hands
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When someone tries to show me a video I don’t feel like watching
Me: Yo I saw that already! Mad funny!
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Never thought i’d say the phrase “I’m going to get tested before I hang out with my dad” before but here we are.
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Waiting patiently for the day that white girls start addressing each other like “what up my Karen?”
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Shout out to the people who comment “How’d they die?” when people post about someone dying bc they’re the socially awkward people we wish we could be.
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The people who always tell me “Don’t skip leg day” are dudes that look like they skip everyday
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Must be so awkward for people to throw out their sex robots. First they gotta call the city to see which bin to put it in. Then they gotta put it in a bag that looks like you’re disposing a body. Then gotta lie and say it’s a person they murdered so they don’t look like a loser
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I was really feeling the trailer for Terminator dark fate until I found out this is the new bad guy. He looks like a customer service representative at Sprint.
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How savage is that song “My country ‘Tis of thee”? It’s the same melody as England’s national anthem. So we literally kicked the shit out of them, took their property and were like you know what we’re gonna steal your national anthem too. We literally made the first diss track
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“What they don’t tell you is once you get one they shed all over your house and your clothes” -Me talking about my gf
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my latina gf’s family when I try to say literally anything in spanish:
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::spoiler alert:: In the new little mermaid she dies. Murdered by one of your plastic straws. Good job
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I feel like if men were able to get pregnant when we had a miscarriage we’d call it a Fumble.
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You know you ate too much pizza when you go back to the counter for more and the guy goes “are you sure?”. Its like don’t sit here and talk to me like you’re Netflix.
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About to go live with some fortnite!
#twitch
#TwitchAffilate
#twitchstream
@Retweelgend
@TwitchRTCBot
@Retweet_Twitch
@ShoutGamers
@Quickest_Rts
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Our great grandparents listened to the war on the radio and were here watching world war 3 play out on an app that people lip sync and twerk on.
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Los Angeles gyms are only open for government workers apparently but not the general public so id like to officially announce my run for Mayor
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Nicola Tesla: Did you know you can use a coil to generate an electrical supply (AC)
Einstein: Did you know for relativity that E=MC squared?
Guy who’s 6’4: Did you know I’m tall?
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MyFitnessPal: You’ve exceeded your calories for the day
Me: Well, Just so you know you’re not really my pal.
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On this day in 2017: Pitbull used his private plane to rescue cancer patients in Puerto Rico and brought them to the us for chemotherapy. And to think they said all Pitbulls are dangerous
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TSA just pulled me aside to “check my shoulders” and the dude pats me down and yells “nope they’re just muscle” and idk wtf just happened but I needed that compliment after the way I ate this week
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When nyc takes taxes out of every paycheck and the mta train system still doesn’t work
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I’ll never forget my friends played with an ouija board and they asked the ghost how much I can bench press and it said 75lbs higher than actual number and I was like “Omg its right! Lets put this away, no more questions!”
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Kavanaugh: “I have a weak stomach and can’t take beer and spicy foods” “I like beer what do you like to drink”
Sir can you stop reading your tinder bio?
#KavanaughHearings
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Me: I miss everyone so much
(someone tries to call me)
Me: Ew not that much
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If you let your girlfriend dress you just know the style she’s going for is “guy she’d rather be with”
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I’m so used to cops being out of shape that when I saw a jacked one I was like “am I getting pulled over by a stripper?”.
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