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@notmythirdrodeo
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@momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost , @Buzzfeed , @Today_Parents and more.
Joined November 2019
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I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
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My kid lovingly posted a “Do Not Disturb- Let Mom Sleep” sign on my door last night and then opened that door every five minutes this morning to see if I was awake yet in case you were wondering what Mother’s Day is really like.
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I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
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“I love summer so much,” I say as I peel my breasts from my chest and shove a layer of t-shirt between the two in order to soak up the sweat that’s pooled there already at 7am
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Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were
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when I was in school, sandwich bags didn’t close. you just kinda folded it over itself and hoped for the best.
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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Tell me you have a cat without telling me you have a cat
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Weed is only a performance enhancing drug if you’re trying to finish a pizza solo
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I just spent an hour in the grocery store and 45 minutes of that was trying to open a produce bag
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Do you think cows say “look, a car” everytime we drive by?
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me: I really need to be more present with my kids
me, 2 hours later: that’s enough
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Hi, I'm a parent and your chef for this evening. You may remember me from such greats as "that is what you asked for,” “it’s the same as we always make it,” and “no, it doesn’t taste funny.”
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
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Does attacking Christmas trees count?
Tell me you have a cat without telling me you have a cat
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my kid made me Mother’s Day breakfast and I’ve got to say he nailed it.
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Because they’re oh so trainable, right?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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I did get my shot in my right arm. Why do you ask?
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Please be kind to parents in restaurants.
You never know if the restaurant has the right shape pasta, or color of rice, or color of straw, or shape of cheese, or cut of sandwich, or size of chicken tenders, or the plate is too big, or the grilled cheese has lines or the cup is
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I consider myself to be a very rational person but I also refuse to use the spoon rest because I don’t want it to get dirty
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Welcome to parenting. You have now become Kid’s Name’s Mom in everyone’s phone.
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
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I’m on a business trip and I get this text from my husband, “I think the kids have hidden a hotdog in the house, but I can’t find it”
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Shoutout to the fork that lives in the dessert pan. I couldn’t possibly have a full slice but I’m gonna take a bite or two everytime I pass. Cake Fork- you da real MVP
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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one of the neighborhood kids just leaned in through our door and said, “I’ve never smelled your house before. Smells normal.”
so, thank goodness for that.
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Me: 4! you got dressed all by yourself this morning?! that’s awesome!
4: yeah, i peed on the carpet so I had to change
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Me: you have to go potty, bud?
4: no, I’m just holding my penis
Me: ok
4: like a king
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Dads be like:
I’m really proud you’re getting your own place. It’s now time we have the talk.
Dewalt and Ryobi and others all have an exclusive battery system and you’ll want to just commit to one…
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That time I tried to dress my baby like a “Lady Who Lunches” and ended up with Biggie Smalls
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When your 8 year old gets in trouble at school for spelling curse words with scrabble tiles in school, it’s not appropriate to say “well, that’s fucking hilarious.” I know this now.
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I’m worried about Mrs. Tiger’s drapery choice.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
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I had 15 minutes between calls today and went to play with my kid. She handed me a stuffed animal to watch, said she had a meeting and left.
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My husband just figured out what I pay at the hair salon, so pray for me
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My husband just turned his bathrobe around to poop. It’s a level of preparedness I wasn’t aware existed.
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Everyday I pick my kid up from school he announces “I didn’t bite anybody!” and you know what? I’m pretty proud I didn’t bite anybody either
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I just had an ice cream as a reward for not having a third slice of pizza. Follow me for more healthy eating tips.
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my daughter announced that I am the better parent.
my husband: why her?! what criteria are you using?
Kid: um, safety?
my husband: what?! when did I ever let you die?
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
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Dads be like:
I’m really proud you’re getting your own place. It’s now time we have the talk.
Dewalt and Ryobi and others all have an exclusive battery system and you’ll want to just commit to one…
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the 2 yr old just muttered “if you’re going to be dumb, you gotta be tough,” and we’re so just proud he learned the family motto so young
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Twas the night before Daylight Savings and all through the house,
Folks were asking, didn’t we ban this shit last year?
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me: i’m going to go to the grocery store
2: i wanna go!
me: you have to wear a mask the whole time
2: ok! i wear a mask!
me: and pants
2: no. no pants
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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One day I will be able to wash a ladle and not end up covered in water, but today is not that day
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whoever decided the Toothfairy puts money under your pillow instead of on the nightstand was an asshole.
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my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think?
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The gifts Santa brought have different pen colors, wrapping paper, and handwriting, but I didn’t plan on the kid who watches CSI trying to match the tape ends
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my brain: this is good until September 22 or 21st ish
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Whomever said “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” never met a toddler who wants to do it themself
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
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Golden Girls led me to believe aging would involve a lot more caftans
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Hi. I’m a mom, but you might know me as “didn’t look inside my kid’s folder and find homework for break until 8:30am this morning”
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
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In case you ever wondered about the joys of parenting, my child just requested chicken nuggets, but with no chicken in them. “you can just take the chicken out”
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it’s 3am; i am sleeping as my kid storms into my room:
DID YOU KNOW I LIKE CROISSANTS?
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Do you unload your dishwasher and simultaneously question your life choices? Like, how did we use 15 spoons in the last two days but no forks?
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If you see a toddler at the beach in a tutu, just know that THAT was the compromise.
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Alexa just told me to remind my husband to take out the trash. Yes, my husband set a reminder for me to give him a reminder if you needed a reason to roll your eyes today.
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Yes, of course I want to listen to Baby Shark for the 35th time while you perform an interpretive dance on the furniture
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Parenting is 50% wanting your kid to fall asleep and 100% wanting yourself to fall asleep
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it's things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
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School emails be like:
Welcome to X Elementary! Your supply lists include everything you've already bought but in a different color. Our drop-off time is 8:24. Students arriving at 8:26 will be late. The PTA will need a donation equal to your mortgage. Welcome back!
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my 3yo dropped his pants and pooped on the school playground yesterday. I’m really hoping my teacher appreciation gift covered this
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Parenting is just rushing or waiting. There’s no in-between.
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There are few things more satisfying than beating other parents to the class party sign up and getting plates and napkins
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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Yes, he’s a beautiful cat but what you don’t see is the piece of cactus I just found stuck to his butt
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” - me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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My kid stood in front of me and announced “mom! I’m as tall as your nipples!” Hate to break it to you kid, but those are a target moving in the opposite direction
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6yo: mom, where did the first baby come from?
me: I’m not really sure. some people have theories
6yo: maybe Amazon
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people who were bartenders are obligated to mention they were bartenders much like crossfitters and vegans. it’s the law.
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shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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a guy just went on a rant about how come water and ice don’t come out in the same spot on the fridge reinforcing why most men don’t understand women’s genitalia either
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I have my purse advil, my car advil, and now thanks to some recent changes at work, my desk advil.
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my kid wrote me a “might do list” and I’ve decided she’s my life coach now
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told my kids to build a fort to get them off their iPads, so now they're in the fort, watching their iPads
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Just found a pair of my underwear in with my linen napkins. That would’ve spiced up Thanksgiving this year.
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I have a solution to America’s gun problem. Swords.
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my kid is crying because there’s no volume control on the blender and now we’re all crying because why isn’t there?
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I just got a text from my retired neighbor that the cookies my daughter requested are ready.
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I bought a fancy egg container for my fridge. It holds…14 eggs. 14. why?
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my kid is packing for vacation and so far she has a naked baby doll, four rocks, a pair of binoculars, a pillow, and a popsicle stick
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It’s very important after your kid falls to tell them to be careful
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took my kid to see Disney on Ice and bought one glow stick, so now I’m off to file bankruptcy
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My 2 yr old is having peanut butter balls for dinner and just looking at me, smiling, and saying, “Balls.”
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At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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6yo: this is my boyfriend
me: what’s his name?
6yo, whispers to boy: what’s your name?
me: been there
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my daughter announced yesterday that she’d like to be a demon when she dies “because she thinks she’d like the work”
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