Bad DND Advice
@nat1advice
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The advice is facetious; everything else you gotta guess for yourself. Also bestselling designer Christopher Knapp, writing serious #DnD5e content.
TBM Games
Joined September 2018
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So, my mom saw these unlicensed D&D advent calendars for sale from a sketchy Facebook ad site in September. Buckle up.🧵
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DnD advice: When a DM asks “are you sure,” you’re on the threshold of doing something incredible. Press onward!
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DnD advice: At a loss for a last-minute holiday gift for your players? Pick them up a book they've never read. I'm getting each of my players one titled "Player's Handbook."
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Inside Mom's Day 1: It's Biyomon. Remember Digimon? Well, apparently they're D&D monsters.
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I got a fishing lure, with some particularly sharp-looking hooks on it.
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DnD advice: Do your players have too much money? A trip to a fantasy pet store will sort that right out.
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Needless to say, these advent calendars are taking the place of honor in the dining room for the season.
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Rest assured, I'll be updating you all about the twists and turns these advent calendars take throughout December.
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DnD advice: Your Power Word Kill must include at least one number, capital letter, and special character.
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Fast forward to October, we were suspecting that the sellers had taken the money and run, when we get two packages in the mail. Inside:
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DnD advice: Rogues can get a sneak attack any time they surprise the DM. Hide in their homes hours before a game session and burst out of cupboards to rack up that sweet, sweet extra damage.
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DnD advice: Leftover spell slots at the end of the day? Cast Sending to harass villains and NPCs you've encountered.
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Yes, that's the poster from the Jeremy Irons D&D movie from like 2001. It's taped over one of those plastic craft supply boxes, with perforated doors for each of the 24 days.
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DnD Advice: Slide a $20 bill across the table to your DM and say the name of a magic item you want. Trust me.
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Mom and I are each opening one of these calendars up. You know the rules for an advent calendar, you can only open one day at a time, no matter how tempting. AND BELIEVE ME, it is tempting after what we've seen.
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The picture for it depicts one of those cardboard box advent calendars with doors cut into a PHB front cover and some clearly mismatched scaled images of minis, dice, all sorts of goodies. You can tell that this is sketchy, and we knew this going in, but this is not where it ends
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There were two listings - regular and "deluxe." (I think with the Deluxe they promised a copy of Tasha's while supplies last, but we knew Supplies Did Not Last)
Mom loves these grab bag type packages and bootleg merchandise just makes it all the funnier, so she ordered both.
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It's an egg, filled with rubber dinosaurs! It's surprisingly hard to line up the jaggies on the two halves of the capsule after you open it up because they're pretty much random.
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The mystery of who got the "deluxe" remains - Mom also got rubber dinos.
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(After all, we *had* to know what the difference was other than price. 😉)
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#DnD
advice: Did the wizard just run out of hit points? Let them bleed out. It sounds harsh, but they need to learn to pick a real character class.
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DnD advice: Your dice are looking kinda lonely. Maybe you should buy another set to keep them company?
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Holy crap, my follower count literally doubled overnight over these bootleg advent calendars, so it'd probably be best to do a quick intro. Hi I'm Christopher, I write bad
#DnD
advice every weekday here and more serious 5e content on my free blog, TBM Games. (Link below)
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#DnD
advice: If a DM struggles to name an NPC, clearly it's because they're using an alias. They are the most important person you will ever meet, and it is your duty to fixate on every detail about this character, from their nondescript clothes to their average height and build.
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DnD advice: It is considered poor form to slay a villain, then cast Plane Shift to go beat them up again in the afterlife.
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DnD advice: A diverse media diet is necessary for any DM; otherwise you'll never know what stories your players' current characters are ripping off.
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@isaactweeting
As a purveyor of bad D&D advice, I can tell you that this sounds like the work of the Horrifying Visage trait, placing this dad at a challenge rating of 4. Your friend had best take up some quests immediately to earn some money to have a greater restoration spell cast on him.
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What could it be? We were reticent to shred up the masterpiece that is the D&D movie poster.
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Punching into the perforated doors, there was something.. big inside. It looks like one of those vending machine capsules.
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DnD advice: Don't invest in useless skills! "Animal handling?" When the heck are you going to have to install handles on animals?
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#DnD
advice: Some DMs may frown upon bringing guns into their pseudo-medieval settings, but they never said your monk couldn't invent the skateboard.
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DnD Advice: If the dungeon has a well-known name, it's probably just a tourist trap. "Tomb of Horrors" sounds like a cheap haunted house run by the high school theater club.
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#DnD
advice: From time to time, try playing a class you're not normally fond of. I decided to play a wizard in my latest campaign and oh no he's dead now.
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DnD advice: Never pronounce your NPCs' names out loud until you're dming. You took all that time to write it, there's no way As-ha'at sounds like anything other than the name of the aloof leader of the assassin's guild.
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It becomes even more unfortunate that under the "eo" in Dungeons & Dragons on Mom's calendar we have more tiny dinos, who have no hope to grow up, to mature into the successful members of society that we hoped they could be.
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DnD advice: Encourage table talk! The longer your players argue about whether the giant insectoid monsters would be able to hold themselves up, the more time you have to actually read their statblocks.
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Day 3 Update! First of all, shout-out to
@Questionor
for suggesting these may be those rubber toys that grow in water. Unfortunately, this stegosaurus has been soaking for about 24 hours now with no change, so I don't think that's the case.
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#DnD
advice: Dungeon bosses don't necessarily need to be the most qualified monster in the adventure! Maybe their dad knows somebody.
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#DnD
advice: As someone who sells 5e materials, I might regret sharing this one, but the Monster Manual goes a lot longer way if you're willing to use a monster's stats and just describe something else entirely to your players.
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Inside a fluffy cat.. nothing but fluffy thoughts. And a desire to be put back on the table to try and eat dinosaur erasers.
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On mine, before opening the compartment, I felt the familiar shape of a gacha capsule. Alas, fishing lure calendar also yields dinosaurs, though keen eyes will note different species in this batch. I'm no paleologist, but I can tell you which I recognize from The Land Before Time
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DnD advice: Stop to consider if this meeting could've been a Sending instead.
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DnD advice: It's only friendly fire if your party members like you. Otherwise, it's just negligent explosions.
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I apologize profusely for breaking the sacred law of advent calendars, but I had to know that I wasn't leading you on with another night of rubber dinosaurs on the 4th.
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This year I've got not one but three advent calendars to unbox. Get ready. 🧵
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DnD advice: Every room in a dungeon has a puzzle. If you can’t find it, mash objects together until your DM offers you a reward to cut it out.
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Holding mom's up to the light yields no information. Is it empty, like my job prospects? Is it filled with all of humanity's woes like a tiny Pandora's box? Is it Jimmy Hoffa's Union card?
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DnD advice: Did the party dispatch your awesome monster too fast? If Beowulf has taught us anything, fighting the monster's mom as a do-over is fair game.
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#DnD
advice: It's okay to use a goofy voice that strains your throat for an NPC that will never show up again. There's no way that your players will want to interact with Goblin with a Cool Hat for a prolonged period of time.
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Inside the fishing lure calendar is a second dinosaur monolith, also translucent and blue, but slightly more regular in shape. Are they omens? Tools? I don't think they're edible, so
@involuntaryorng
's unwrapped jolly rancher/menthol cough drop theory seems to be out the window.
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#DnD
advice: Get rid of all that nasty bookkeeping - just nod contemplatively whenever your players deal damage to a monster and call the fight when you get bored.
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DnD advice: The right snacks can make or break a game. Keep tabs on your players' food allergies so that you can thin out the party when a fight seems too easy.
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Inside, we have.. I don't even know what this could be. Pretty sure it's plastic, from the mold flash on the edge, but what could these sinister runes scratched into its surface mean?
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#DnD
advice: A DM's screen can help you hide all sorts of important things - notes, miniatures of prominent characters, the Switch you're using to play Smash Bros while your players argue about how to open a closed, unlocked door...
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Inside mine? Something blue, translucent, and small. It doesn't appear to be shaped like any polyhedral dice, but a die would be surprisingly apropos of this advent calendar.
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DnD advice: Immersion is key when it comes to gaming miniatures. Every time your character changes their clothes, immediately repaint your mini.
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Holding up the calendars to the light, neither of tomorrow's compartments *appear* to have dinosaur eggs in them, so stay tuned! (Blurry photos incoming)
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@gelicia
and
@LameGamer72
's sleuthing skills proved invaluable. The Device has been assembled.
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Hope that wasn't important. Overall, I'd rate them about a 7/10 as erasers.
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But the Monolith Master looks at me expectantly. What does he think I must build for him and the dinosaurs?
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Probing minds have asked about the monoliths and whether they react to various stimuli. They don't glow in the dark, and don't seem to dissolve in water. They remain a mystery, and I suspect that they're attracting yet more dinosaurs as time passes.
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Inside mom's calendar, the Monolith Master has summoned a highly sus assistant, with the parts of a mysterious device to build.. what sinister purpose could this device serve!?
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Beam me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls conceal a sinister facet of their dystopian society that will prove unpalatable to our starfleet values but somehow reflect our modern culture.
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#DnD
advice: Running a horror campaign? Work your players up into a terror by asking them to remember what happened last game.
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DnD advice: Putting a die in time-out for repeated bad rolls is just silly superstition and anthropomorphizing - we are rational human beings!
You need to put it in a centrifuge to spin out the bad luck juice, emptying space for good luck juice to seep in.
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DnD advice: The infinite flexibility of this game allows you to ignore anything you disagree with - overcomplicated encumbrance rules, the numbers on those funky dice, the DM insisting that you're out of hit points...
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#DnD
advice: If you don't recite the entirety of the Open Game License during your game session, Wizards of the Coast owns your house now.
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#DnD
advice: Be sparing with your references during gameplay! When we fought an ogre, I found that I was only allowed to quote Shrek for 2 minutes straight before my DM killed my character.
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Day 4 update! So, at
@netohog
's girlfriend's suggestion, I'm testing whether the dinosaurs are actually erasers. The texture doesn't quite feel right, but the calendar is full of surprises, so I dug up some random scraps of paper.
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#DnD
advice: If you think the campaign feels similar to a story from a TV show or a movie you've seen, it is your gods-given duty to interrupt the DM with this insightful observation right away.
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DnD advice: If you don't write down any of your character's stats, they have no limits. Believe in yourself!
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No! It's actually something that could pass as a D&D mini!
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#DnD
advice: Your backstory is the one place where the DM can't kill you, so go absolutely nuts with describing your character's accomplishments before adventuring.
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DnD advice: If your players complain about your campaign being “too video-gamey,” stay absolutely still for 1 minute. When asked why explain that you were just roleplaying a loading screen.
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Inside the dragon's face in Mom's calendar.. we have another batch of dinosaurs. How many usually show up in a litter? Does the humane society take in baby dinosaurs? I don't know that we're ready for the responsibility of caring for this many dinos on top of the button quail.
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#DnD
advice: It is impossible to fail a Stealth check if you hire a Bard to follow you playing the Pink Panther or Mission Impossible themes.
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I am open to further experimentation as to the properties of either the monoliths or dinosaurs, so please feel free to reply with your suggestions. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
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This heretical behavior concerns the Monolith Master greatly.
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DnD advice: The special effects budget isn't unlimited! Describe monsters flying in on wires from time to time to conserve it for the important foes.
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DnD advice: Next dungeon crawl, see how far you can get by claiming to be a building inspector. Whenever anyone questions your credentials remind them that OSHA is just a Sending spell away.
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What lurks behind the eyes of *my* dragon? It's.. more dinosaurs. There are plenty here for further scientific inquiry, at least, and we'll see what happens to them tomorrow. 😜
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DnD advice: Any character who fights is a fighter. Use an Action Surge whenever you feel like it.
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#DnD
advice: There are three rules for being a successful DM.
1. Pay close attention to what your players enjoy.
2. Never reveal everything you know.
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#DnD
advice: Need faster combat encounters? Coat all your minis in vaseline. Any time one slips out of your players' hands, that character dies.
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DnD advice: Players keep cutting into YOUR game time with their "real lives?" Once everyone arrives to the game, seal the doors. By the gods, they won't interrupt this game session with their inane whining like "please let me out, I have a family."
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