all this time people were telling me "you can just do things" but that information was useless until I realized something else first:
you can just want things
I am *really* struggling to care about my job now
I'm kinda not showing up, spiritually, now also physically
they seem also not to care, either
but it still feels bad and risky
this is not the way I want to be living
I'm voiding my agreement with them
I seriously lost such a huge chunk of shame about myself this is crazy
I feel like I'm actually capable of operating in the world for the first time in my life
gentle reminder that:
-you have not been at exactly this place in your life before
-nor has anyone else
-nor will you, or anyone else, ever be here again
-your information and pattern matching abilities are essentially limited
-you are doing your best, given the constraints
twitter taught me that it doesn't really matter who you are
if you just keep showing up in a public space and act vaguely like yourself, the right people will find you
and their presence will encourage you to act more like yourself
nothing has materially changed
ofc, it has, chemically speaking
but I'm a human, chemicals do not factor into the meaning-making processes that operate in my mind
I can't figure out how to balance:
-relying on others
-relying on myself
in a way that doesn't continuously lead to:
-seeking things from others that they cannot reliably give
-attempting to solve problems alone that cannot be solved alone
today I am 28 years old
first thing I did was have a shower
second thing I did was hurt someone I care about by being selfish and stupid
third thing I did was sit with it, accept responsibility internally, sincerely apologise
fourth thing I did was make breakfast
I went to the gym 3 times so far and I have noticed
-significantly improved calmness and emotional regulation
-bed feels really comfy, sleep comes easy and is more restful, food is much tastier
-physical restlessness as a new symptom of anxiety, replacing worse symptoms
the difference is, said narratives land and.. nothing happens, I don't care, I feel good, I think those narratives are stupid now, look at *that* plothole! how didn’t I notice that before??
so like, why aren't men calling themselves wizards?
is it worse or different than women calling themselves witches?
I suppose the connotations are actually very different?
in witch case, what's the actual male equivalent of a witch?
then it becomes apparent that the real problem is/was.. me, I couldn't do the trivial thing to solve them, I put them on a platform and worshipped them instead, for *years*, and I *knew* I was doing it too! and I couldn't fucking stop myself!
nor generally *should* they, because I do not have control over the world of chemicals, in the same way that I have control over the world of limbs and words and smiles
although, as I operate within society, apparently I *do* have some control over this world
a world full of people who would love you, possibly for the rest of their lives, if you could just step out of your house for any reason other than to go on a 4 hour long walk through the city, alone, again
the agony of
feeling like you had disproportionately worse outcomes than people you are similar to
because of
falling just under some minimum viable threshold of various soft skills
such as
being able to meet and talk to people in the real world, with reasonable frequency
wish I was in a position where my job did not suck the life and soul out of me
I'm not sure what direction to go in or how to make meaningful progress in that direction
especially when I have ~0 credibility in any professional sphere
and my performance here is not helping that
anyway, as far as my mind is concerned, nothing has materially changed
all the old observations are there, with their accompanying narratives of failure and shame and regret and anger and confusion
also not sure what to do with the narrative that: "I'm smarter/better than this"
"I should be earning 10x or 20x this"
"I could be, I know so many who do, people who are my intellectual equals, people I could/would work just as hard as, but I'm blocked on ..."
it can be that easy, I know it can, I know it *is*, for some, I envy very much those who are able to navigate their world so gracefully, so bravely, but then, it doesnt require so much bravery after all if you're not so terrified all the time
I'm just pushing and pushing but nothing is budging
stuck
becoming unable to reason with myself
too much lacking in my life
body and mind going on strike
to protest harsh working conditions
it'll only get harsher
today I am twenty nine years old
resisting the urge to say anything too stupid or dramatic about this..
I don't lack enthusiasm for life, but it *has* stayed pretty consistently painful and scary
I'd really like to be ~"happy" by the start of my thirties
achievable? 😇🫣
holding "nobody is going to save you" in my mind
feeling devastated, but accepting
seeing it transform into "nobody is going to control you"
feeling shocked, empowered
transforming into "nobody can find that which is resonant, joyful, for you"
feeling elated, calm
I would guess 90% of the masculine/feminine "energy" that people perceive in men and women, respectively, comes from:
-literally just looking male/female
-being confident
but then I wouldn't trust myself to get back on the ball, some way or other
I've been there before
that was how I ended up doing very little work for two years
and I felt really unhappy about the consequences of that, this year
how little comparative freedom and agency I had
so when you go fumbling around in the dark of each others' trenchcoats, it's really hard to keep track of who was interacting with who, and whether it was a bad or good interaction, and why
do I just quit here
do I keep dragging my feet
do I try and negotiate
do I keep looking for this kind of job
do I give up on this career entirely
do I pour all my energy into passion projects
do I jump through hoops to impress some fancy company
really, this has been the hardest year of my life and I want time to sit and process what I've experienced without having to do really anything at all
how long would I need?
I don't know, a few months, I guess?
something else I'd like to say:
what I'm often complaining about is a lack of agency
feeling trapped in my own mind and body, it's horrifying
the fact that this invisible mysterious realm of chemicals can influence my felt sense of agency feels like a huge blackpill
people who get off the train before me:
-high neuroticism
-uninspired, prone to frivolous novelty-seeking
-flighty and faithless, lacking conviction
people who get off after me:
-low openness
-stubborn and dogmatic
-dull, jaded and incurious
-judgemental and self-righteous
I might simply be a fine tuned instrument but what I am measuring is overload, fuzzy static, earsplitting crackling chaos, there's nothing useful about the context I continuously find myself in
tweeting is a numbers game
jobs? numbers game
dating, numbers game
math.. numbers game
life - numbers game
numbers games; numbers game
gumber's name. numbers game
emag srebmun * numbers game
n u m b e r s g a m e
a b e e g m m n r s u
a b 2e g 2m n r s u
...
but he liked my coat!
that means so much to me right now, and meant nothing to me at the time, it got swallowed up in "but I feel :/ about dad"
I had to wait 4 months to be happy enough to notice a nice thing like that
and I'll have a narrative for why this one sucked and was wrong and misguided, actually, but actually
but until then I get to feel *good* about all the things I usually don't notice, or even actively feel bad about
for the first time in my life, I have two important things, simultaneously:
-a relatively clear direction, of my own volition, that I have faith in and enthusiasm for
-the necessary resources to *actually move* in this direction
anyway, as much as this narrative might have been enjoyable to write, it's just as worthless as all the others, I'll come crashing back down to earth in a week, a few days, a few hours
this is sort of self referential, in a way, but it bottoms out at:
I know ~NOTHING
I can expect to SUFFER in the range of [0-∞] at ANY time, for reasons entirely beyond my comprehension or control, or even for no reason whatsoever (I have NO idea)
it's awful..
aaaand this is why I would emphatically encourage people to actually own software, before they make it an extension of themselves
no amount of cultural hegemony, collective buy-in, faith, even money, can protect you from having that limb severed off you, by force
you ever just spend your entire 20s building up a skillset, a creative community, work on developing and supporting a tool valued by game devs across the entire world only for it to be undone because some guy with too much authority in a suit decided to delete it all over night
I was wearing my coat, this coat that I love and keep talking about how much I love
he clearly loved this coat too
he often *doesn't* love the clothes I've worn in my life, and he's very forwardly judgemental and critical about anything he doesn't like
I was in a healthy loving relationship with a girl for a decade
and then we broke up
that's okay, it was a long time and we had changed, we needed to find ourselves again
but sometimes I wonder
..where are our divorce papers?
..where are our kids??
because, even with chemical assistance, I *don't* have anywhere near the kind of control I'd like to have over myself, nor over the chemical processes that affect my capacity *to* control myself
Don't ask questions like "so what do you do?" at parties.
In fact, don't ask questions at all, it makes you seem like you don't have interesting to say about yourself or the world.
Here are 10 things to tell people that will make you seem confident and well-rounded 👇
dad on a call today:
"Rayne, you might not like to hear this but.. you hug too long, just count to 3, that'll convey everything you need and you can leave them wanting more"
if the reasons ARE beyond my control, I CANNOT even know that!
so I get to voluntarily TORTURE myself further by FRUITLESSLY attempting to control something I cannot, in the desperate and vague hope it might HELP the situation, as opposed to making it worse (which it often does)