little miss rv 🍉🇵🇸
@murffyslurtz
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I live in an RV on a lake in Washington 🗻✨she/her✨ ✨full-time writer ✨witchy shit ✨alt: @darkmurffy
Mt. Rainier
Joined August 2017
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Pinned Tweet
so gross imagine waking up next to this disgusting shit every morning
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My mom always wanted to be an astronaut and one year my dad surprised us all with a trip to Disney World except once we got there, he drove us to NASA instead and he surprised my mom with front row seats to a rocket launch and lunch with a real astronaut and she BAWLED from joy
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Blake Lively is the kind of person who would tell you that they “don’t have the emotional capacity to help you through this crisis”
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I called my mom and told her this story was getting a lot of likes and she got so excited and wanted me to show y’all this picture they just got taken lol
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We all get mad at apple for making brand-exclusive chargers when the real enemy is sex toy manufacturers like what the hell is this
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Okay here’s another disgustingly cute thing my parents did for 28 years. Our hometown has the
@WAStateFair
and when my parents got married, they made it a tradition to crack open an oyster every year at the fair until they had enough to make a necklace.
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I HAD THESE CUTIES AS AN EXAMPLE AND SOMEHOW I STILL FELL FOR THE BARE MINIMUM FROM MY EXES WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
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My parents are the Mormon equivalent to Morticia and Gomez Addams lol
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Mormons: I don’t get why the gays have to do all of ✨that✨ during pride can’t they just tone it down a bit?
Also Mormons: *does Trek*
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If you’re Mormon & pay tithing but are struggling to make ends meet, go to your bishop and demand help. You pay tithing, you’re entitled to that money. Make them pay for therapy. Make them pay for groceries. They have $100 billion just sitting there. CASH IN ON YOUR INVESTMENT
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I love that this is blowing up but my parents CAN NOT find my Twitter that would be very bad
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Mormons are all about freedom of religion until one of their kids decides to leave
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Also I’m just gonna say that DUH she’s not a therapist but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a duty to hold space for the audience. If she didn’t want to do that then she shouldn’t have made a movie about DV. Justin has done an amazing job in interviews holding space for
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My energy coming to Utah vs my energy leaving Utah
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LDS Church: we’ve been known as Mormons for the last 200 years and most people don’t know our actual name but we’re gonna take this hit and rebrand for Jesus
Also the LDS Church: renaming BYU would be too confusing for people and too much of a hassle so we’ll keep it racist
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Fun fact: when I worked for the LDS Church I found out that Brigham Young��s Lion House was hella haunted and the GAs frequently went there to bless it. My boss told me no one was allowed on the third floor without a priesthood holder because you would get scratched and pushed 😳
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Me: I wanna date someone who was also raised Mormon
My mom: So you can both be inactive and not follow the gospel together?
Me: You mean come from a similar background and have the same values which is the same reason why active Mormons date each other? YES.
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nothing will ever be funnier than that episode of New Girl where Schmidt pretends to be a one of Mitt Romney’s sons so he can fuck some Republican hotties but he gets caught for breaking the Word of Wisdom
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Remember how one year ago Utah voters legalized marijuana and then the LDS Church overrode the vote to stop it? Very 12th Article of Faith of them.
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I need Utah to explain why it makes sense to sell beer in grocery stores but not WINE.
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When I was in high school I had an English teacher who was suuuuper liberal and I would try to “school him” in my essays by using Glenn Back references and one day he wrote on my paper “you’re gonna be a writer, and a socialist one day”
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The pandemic isn’t over until Target opens up their dressing rooms again
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Me driving away from the
#bayarealockdown
just to go join my parents in the eventual Seattle lock down
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I’m a healthy 27 year old who works from home, only hangs with the same 4 people, and I am STILL being hospitalized for COVID. This isn’t a fucking hoax.
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Movies that Mormons are next-level obsessed with even though they have nothing to do with Mormonism:
- Hot Rod
- Princess Bride
- The Sandlot
- Literally any Disney movie ever
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BYU be like: Women can’t wear tank tops because it would distract from the men’s learning but also we won’t require anyone to wear masks because that would be overstepping on our student’s agency 😇
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Why did Mormons think they were owning the Catholics by having chapels like THIS instead of THIS
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So our taxes don’t pay for healthcare, don’t pay for higher education, and don’t bail us out during a pandemic? I think we’re getting scammed, ya’ll
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one time when I was not really wanting to be alive, I got in my car and started driving through the High Uintas thinking about death but then I stumbled upon a wildflower field so I got out and it felt like I had been transported into another realm and THEN
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Who owns this house in Provo and how can I purchase it from you. I have $1,000 and a heart of gold.
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Mormons sure like to say “all things in moderation” for people who’s entire lives are consumed by their religion
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Still confused as to why guns are a human right but medical care isn’t
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I haven’t gotten my records removed from the LDS Church because my dad is a bishop and he’d get notified. Well I just found that he’s getting released on Sunday, so as soon as the banks are open and I can get the docs notorized, I’m filing for Mormon divorce 🤘🏻
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Racism couldn’t make members question the church leaders.
Homophobia couldn’t make members question the church leaders.
But masks?! Social distancing?! The leaders have clearly gone astray lol
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Utah is weird cause like half the towns are named after Book of Mormon nonsense and the other half are like
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Mormons, if you wouldn’t want someone wearing temple clothes as a Halloween costume, then maybe be just a little more aware of what costume you choose to wear for Halloween
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So today I was at the Starbucks in Provo and I ordered a S’mores frapp and the barista asked me if I wanted coffee and I said yes and she responded by yelling HELL YES
Hey Mormons stop ordering frapps with no coffee the baristas are exhausted
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Just watched a man stop, read the bumper stickers on my car, absolutely LOSE IT laughing, and then took out of his phone to take a pic. I am honored
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If you’re wondering just how shitty the housing market is right now, this house is for sale in Salt Lake City for $300,000
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the fact that the Word of Wisdom started as a JOKE
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I AM DRUNK AT A MORMON WEDDING ANF MY OLD BISHOP IS HERE AND I HAD TO HAVE AN ENTIRE CONVO WITH HIM PRETENDING NOT TO BE DRUNK AHHHHHHHH
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Kinda fucked up that god sent his son to die for our sins when he could have just chosen to forgive us without anyone dying for it
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When will my parents understand that “religious freedom” doesn’t mean “everyone has to act Mormon around me and I’m entitled to that”
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Old Mormon Woman: I just can’t believe you’d alter the body that God gave you with tattoos
Old Mormon Woman: *gets plastic surgery*
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Remembering that time I had just dyed my hair red for the first time and I went to do baptisms for the dead and with every dunk, the red dye seeped out of my hair and floated out into the water until the whole font turned red and they had to drain the whole thing
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Mormons will use the r-slur without hesitation but would rather drink hot oil than say the word fuck
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Guys I’m really drunk and my friend just gave me the mekezeldic priesthood I am so powerful now
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For those who want to “do the work to save the church,” the work you need to do is actually leaving. Leave. That’s the work. That’s the work that needs to be done. End it and move on and heal and be happy.
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My favorite Mormon cliche was when me and a girl in my beehive class both prayed about whether we would marry this one boy in the deacons quorum and we both got the answer yes and struggled to reconcile how that was possible 😂😂😂
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Growing up, I was told a story about some couple who decided to get civilly married and a few weeks later got in a car crash and died before they could be sealed in the temple. Was anyone else told this story as a fear tactic to discourage you from getting civilly married?!
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Nothing is funnier than Kwaku getting mad that the media “misquoted him” and then releasing a video of the “real” video that just makes him sound EVEN WORSE and proves that they didn’t misquote him at all. Peak comedy. Pure gold. The guy is delusional.
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Mormons are like “religious trauma is made up!” and then send a bunch of teenagers into the woods with literal handcarts and not enough food
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Can you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
Then you can also say LGBTQ+ it really ain’t that hard of an acronym.
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This house for sale in Salt Lake City is 600 square feet and THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.
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Mormons accuse me of being a witch while at the same time perform baptisms for the dead, use anointed oil to heal the sick, and have a Doterra “business” bitch back off
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Doc: I’m pretty sure you have a large ovarian cyst
Me: okay so how do I find out
Doc: with an ultrasound but your insurance doesn’t cover it on the weekends unless you go to the ER. It’s actually the same machine we’ll use on Monday we just can’t let you use it on the weekend
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Remembering that time a bishopric member took my temple recommend away because I wasn’t coming to church cause I had anxiety and he thought it would help me “straighten up” but then I just never went back and became the Dark Lord of the Exmos
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SALT LAKE CITY IS NO LONGER PEACEFUL USE EXTREME CAUTION
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Christ never said to “love your neighbor but hate their sin.” He just said to love your neighbor.
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In the amount of time it took Congress to give us $600, Gen-Z wrote and produced an entire Broadway musical on their own
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Two years ago today I got COVID and ended up with heart damage, liver damage, lung damage, and gut damage. Tomorrow I’m meeting with a doctor to talk about heart surgery. I will be sending the bill to every republican who said “it has a 99% survival rate!”
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Boomers: okay snowflake
Millenials: okay boomer
Boomer: this is a hate crime
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If a man ever tells you to “make him a sandwich,” turn around and ask him to build you a house. If we’re gonna subscribe to old timey gender roles, then he can build you a house. With his bare hands. Topped off with a wrap around porch. Make that man build you a house.
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Reminder that the LDS Church was VERY against the Civil Rights Movement and all these middle-aged white Mormons who are posting MLK quotes in order to condemn the rioting would never have been on MLK’s side if they were alive during the Civil Rights Movement 🙃
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I love that it was our generation that cancelled milk. Like just think about it. Milk has been a staple for how many years? And we millennials were just like NAH.
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He also told me that most of the spirits there were BY’s wives and children who were angry at how they were treated. That place has super dark vibes and I think it’s really creepy that people go there to eat like it’s a cool chill place when really dark stuff happened there
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me circa 2017 when I decided I wasn’t a fucking Mormon anymore
Jojo Siwa reveals that she isn’t that innocent after all:
“Just wait until I drop that F bomb,” she warns
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I overshare on Twitter cause I was ignored as a child let me have this lol
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Really frustrated with a lot of the discourse I’m seeing from family and friends on Instagram around the vaccine. I almost died of Covid and suffered severe organ damage and have been struggling with post-Covid illnesses for 7 months now. Just fucking get the vaccine.
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Since Mormon is trending, here’s the story of that time a bishopric member took away my temple recommend for revenge 🙃
So I used to work for this company as their copywriter, and occasionally we’d outsource to a third party design company to finish projects.
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No matter how many times they tried to convince us that baptisms for the dead weren’t weird, they were weird
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first of all, your church put a literal AD IN THE PLAYBILL and SECOND, you yourself compared Donald Trump to Captain Moroni don’t act like you’re so protective of your own religion
Nothing says “let’s bring people together”—as Anheuser-Busch claims to do—quite like hiring a spokesman who got his start in entertainment by ruthlessly mocking the beliefs of religious minorities.
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Did anyone else’s parents not let them say “that sucks” because they thought it was sexual or was that just me
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Thinking about how I went from working at a place (the LDS Church) where I wasn’t allowed to wear ✨pants✨ to working at a place where my boss told me to just get my marijuana delivery sent to work cause it was easier than having it sent to my house
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I will never understand why the CDC didn’t make the vaccination cards FIT IN YOUR WALLET
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God I’m so glad I got out of Mormonism. Dodged a fucking bullet.
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Leaving Mormonism means you get a 10% pay raise lol
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In case y’all didn’t know, you can bring your own alcohol into Lagoon and you DONT HAVE TO HIDE IT. Only amusement park in the country that allows that. Yes I have a season pass. Yes I’m getting fucked up on roller coasters this weekend.
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HEY UTAH WHAT THE FUCK THE WINE I GET IN CALIFORNIA THAT USUALLY COSTS ME $8 COST ME $17 HERE YOU’RE LETTING THE LIBERALS WIN LOWER THE PRICE OF ALCOHOL YOU COWARDS
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There’s this Mormon guy on Facebook who’s complaining about the protestors “going to far.” I kindly asked him if Joseph Smith went “too far” when he ordered a printing press to be burned to the ground or if Jesus Christ went “too far” when he flipped tables in the temple
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