Matt
@mttjrdn_
Followers
2,149
Following
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935
Statuses
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Former child; future ghost
United Kingdom
Joined March 2013
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Mum sent me some chocolates because she heard I’m feeling a bit low and in my flop era and I’ve just opened them to discover they are all the strawberry one (my fave and the undisputed best quality street chocolate)
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When Adele brought the t shirt cannons out yesterday all I could think about was poor Maude Flanders
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The barber asked if he could take a picture of my haircut when he finished and he used a ring light and everything so basically I’m a model now
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“A pump is just a preview of gains to come” - ancient gymbro proverb
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I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure whether or not to get this haircut today and now I’m looking for attention and/or validation
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After months of waiting, I can finally say that I’ll be starting a PhD in Law at the University of Cambridge in October! As many of you know this is a dream come true, and one I felt locked out of for so long because of past academic struggles. Happy is an understatement 📚
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Mum has just sent me the best photo of a hedgehog she has ever taken 🦔😭
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Nothing quite like your sister’s wedding to remind you how ✨cripplingly single✨you are 💐🏰
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Everyone needs to watch the
@JinkxMonsoon
and
@bendelacreme
Holiday Special immediately!! Hilarious, high camp, and the perfect way to start the festive season 🎄
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Came to Edinburgh for the Fringe and ended up with the best seat in the house! ⛰️
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The sheer aggression of me writing “love from” on the tags of all my gifts except the one for my sister’s fiancé so he knows he’s on thin fucking ice
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I am reliably informed that this is *actually* the best photo (of me) from the wedding 💐💍
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@TomeyBones
on Dropout hypeee
This week on Dropout:
🎲M: Adventuring Academy w/
@rekhalshankar
🥂Tu:
@DirtyLaundryDO
S4 trailer
☝️Tu:
@UmActuallyShow
S9 finale w/
@dantebasco
,
@janetvarney
, & Jack De Sena
💥W:
@dimension20show
Never Stop Blowing Up Ep. 6
(1/2)
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Let it be known that this is what I wanted to wear to
@andysagarbooks
’s book launch tonight 📚
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After looking awful all day my hair has finally decided to co-operate just in time to go to bed 🙃
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What’s the professional way of saying “sorry I’m late, I got distracted on my walk to work playing with an unfamiliar cat which bit me (playfully) and then saw a hot Danish guy”?
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Thank you Rina for throwing me the best birthday party I’ve had in years👾🔥✨
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“I’m really sorry but the light is great and you look nice so I’m going to take 30 photos of you, I hope that’s okay” -
@bjwwstone
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Dad takes charge of all the Christmas cooking, but each year on Christmas Eve I’m asked to make my famous red cabbage side dish. And each year I say a silent thank you to
@Nigella_Lawson
for giving us this family tradition. Time to dig out my (now well-worn) copy of How to Eat!
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One of us carried the team and scored most of the points at the quiz last night and one of us was a complete mess who doesn’t know how they made it home in one piece I’ll let you decide which is which🍺📝
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Now that my vest has arrived I will be serving the illusion of a slutty lil waist on Saturday
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Housemate is not laughing at Two Soups. In other news, I’m looking for a new housemate
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My last two first dates were in April this year and some time in 2011 so
@josh_hops
and I have decided I’m essentially a horror film monster that emerges once every ten years to terrorise local boys by going on a date with them before returning for a decade-long slumber
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Has taken me a few days to track a copy down and even then it was the last one on the shelf! Congrats
@sacha_coward
!!
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Beyoncé and Big Freedia said release your job and I took that literally (then went for a meal to celebrate)
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Start your New Year the right way by making a terrifying yet festive lemon piglet
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I’ve been banned from captioning this anything to do with taking a salty spray to the face because it would be “too obscene”
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I don’t entirely know what hasselback potatoes are but I just made them 🥔
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Tony Award winner Alex Newell, recently closed on the West End Ben Stone, and an adoring fan
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Hi, I’m post-verbal pop sensation
@mttjrdn_
. And I haven’t been the same since the shaving accident,
@josh_hops
. Welcome to Unnhhh, the show where we talk about whatever we want. Because it’s our show, and not yours
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Dad accidentally bought extra large duck eggs and I knew instantly what I had to do 🍳🍅
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“So I was at this party for Harry Belafonte’s birthday, Joel Grey had brought me- have I dropped enough names yet?” - Bernadette Peters (2024)
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Reliably informed that I look like I’ve gone solo after a long time in a band
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Today my dad helped me cheat at trivial pursuit by giving me a clue to my final question just because me winning would annoy my sister’s fiancé and that’s the true meaning of Father’s Day
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Am always a bit wary of saying I’ve made friends on this silly bird app because you never really know how other people feel, but in my post-dinner haze I’m just so grateful for all the funny people I’ve met this year who live in my phone and have made my life immeasurably better
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So I’m watching My Octopus Teacher and it’s an oddly moving documentary but this section of its Wikipedia entry is sending me 🐙
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I’m going to the Proms tonight and I’m in a waistcoat and I feel like a twat
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Watch as the thot wheels racer and clownboy carter discover why kryolan clown white is indisputably the industry standard
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Say you will, say you won’t, say you’ll do what I don’t, say you’re true, say to me…
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I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’ve officially been awarded an LLM with ✨Distinction✨It’s no secret I struggled my way through undergrad at a uni whose motto was 2.2 is the new fail and I left feeling locked out of the future I dreamed of. Turns out I can do it after all!
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I am incandescent with rage that Peter Jr didn’t make it to the final of the Hit List
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Okay one more cute one of the blossom in Paris and then I promise I’ll stop 🌸
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It doesn’t matter how well this goes, the definitive version of Cruella De Vil on Strictly will always be Judy Murray screeching “bring me those puppies” from a flying car while Anton dragged some reluctant dalmatians onto the stage
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Words fail me. But who needs words when you’ve got music reverberating and flowing through every fibre of your being 🎶
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