Matthew Broussard
@mondaypunday
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Pinned Tweet
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: ...
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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“IS ANYONE ON THIS PLANE A DOCTOR AND IN NETWORK!?”
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I think it’s pretty progressive that America made their poorest person president.
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Women are expected to have no leg hair, no arm hair, no facial hair, no nipple hair and then eyebrows like Eugene Levy.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll end up 40 with no employable skills.
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@BillDixonish
A friend wrote jokes for him for the Roast of Justin Bieber. After turning down a few jokes in a row, he said “sorry for being so opinionated. It’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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Dating is scary. What if I hook up with a girl, she regrets it, then 52 women come forward with consistent, corroborating accounts of my history of sexual abuse?
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I’m so proud the Supreme Court declared something I thought was already illegal illegal.
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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If you think women are too sensitive, try underestimating a man’s height by more than 2 inches.
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I didn’t even have sex with teenagers when I was a teenager.
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“You’re gonna fuckin love the way you look. I guarantee that shit.”
-Men Swear House
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Pointed the Snapchat gender filter at my paycheck and it reduced it by 30%
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I'm a working comedian with friends on the cast and writing staff and I still watch less SNL than our president elect.
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Comedy is wild! Did you know you can have over fifty different 1099s AND make less than 40k?
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Bill Burr is a brilliant comedian who has spawned countless terrible comedians.
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An all-female reboot of Road Trip where they drive across the country for an abortion.
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There are no words to describe how badly I need a thesaurus right now.
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Once in AP Physics, my teacher bent over to pick up a pen. I spotted her lower back tattoo and blurted “is that a Bohr model atom tramp stamp??”
She turned to the class, mortified.
As she should be—the Bohr model is inaccurate and archaic.
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Growing up, my mom smothered me. And my dad sfathered me.
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Things that offend me:
•Racism
•Homophobia
•Misogyny
•When I go to someone's apartment and it's really clean and nice and they're like "omg sorry our place is a such a mess"
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Once at my old job, my boss came in to my cubicle and asked, “Matthew, was it you who used the office printer to print 42 full color pages to cut out and glue together into a 3d Bulbasaur?” And I was also surprised it wasn’t me.
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Romans have tough breakups because their X is always a ten.
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Quarantining has helped me get to know myself and dude, fuck that guy.
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Being good at stand up comedy is probably the hardest way to make it in stand up comedy.
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Every boomer complaining that millennials can’t change a tire has yelled at tech support while trying to convert a word file to a pdf
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Bombed a college show so hard I went home and hate-googled their average SAT score.
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Every guy I know named Hunter looks more like a gatherer.
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Trump getting kicked off Twitter is tough because most of his followers no longer speak with their kids who they need to help them download Parler.
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If I start feeling Corona symptoms I’m gonna hide it like that one douche bag in every zombie movie
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I just want to be successful enough to realize no amount of success will make me happy.
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My gf offered to pay more of the rent because she makes more money and I refused out of pride. HOW BOUT THE GOOD PARTS OF TOXIC MASCULINITY?
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Remember when the Social Network came out we all thought the bad guy was the Winklevoss twins?
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People ask "when did you go from needing a day job to doing comedy full time?" like that happened once and not 17 times.
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Once a girl made fun of my colorblindness on the first date—huge gray flag.
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My girlfriend and I live equally glamorous lifestyles.
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COMEDIANS IN HIGH SCHOOL MATH: When will I ever use this?
COMEDIANS NOW: The key to virality is posting 45 to 60 second clips with a 4:5 aspect ratio between 3-6pm at daily intervals, resulting in optimal sharing, an algorithmic boost, and exponential nodal traffic.
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Cuomo Accused of Sexual Harrassment, Pleads "Italian"
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My favorite Spider-Man movies in order:
1. The third first one
2. The first second one
3. The first first one
4. The second first one
5. The second second one
6. The first third one
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How’s Mike Pence gonna cure coronavirus when he couldn’t even cure homosexuality?
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Sorting Hat: "Hey, I'm just doing my job like how you told me."
Dumbledore: "Yeah, but we have three Asians in the whole school and they're all in Ravenclaw and it is not a good look."
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I like my Christian women like I like my sports cars: convertible.
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My financial goal is make enough to have two kids, then don't.
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Need to see the a therapist because I'm going through a divorce. Not mine, Mulaney's.
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The hardest part of buying any Apple product is throwing away the box it came in.
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Kinda suspect how today Biden suddenly gets 306 Electoral College votes today when yesterday he had zero.
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Bad news: all the kids who were mean to you in high school are doing just fine.
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Sorry I was late, I spent 23 minutes outside a bathroom I thought was occupied.
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*back of comedy club*
Me: “Ugh this hack. Trite material, predictable punchlines, disingenuous perso—“
*heckler says anything*
Me: “HEY YOU LET THIS MAN DO HIS ART”
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GRIZZLED VETERAN COMEDIAN
To me: “There’s 5 comics I think are actually funny: Patrice, Giraldo, Stanhope, Burr and Chappelle. That’s it.”
To hot open micer he’s trying to fuck: “Wow omg you were hilarious! Wanna open for me on the road?”
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Amazon is so evil I just walked into a Best Buy and thought "good on me for supporting local business."
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The border wall will cost us $11 billion. For that price, we could pay off the student loan debt of over 20 college graduates.
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My gf and I want a small wedding, so we’re waiting until a bunch of our old friendships fizzle out.
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Waiter: "Save room for dessert?"
Me, wanting dessert: "Uh... Vroom?"
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Ludacris acts all confident but can't even ask a girl her fantasy without stuttering.
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Opinions are like assholes: I can’t stop looking at strangers’ on the internet.
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I wish I was talented enough to be hard to work with.
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If you're interested in opening for me, please send a tight, clean 5-7 hour tape of what you're like on road trips.
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cinco de mayo is my favorite holiday 5/5 would recommend
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“Karen” started as Dane Cook joke. Mu’fuckas ack like they forgot about Dane.
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No one else in the Oppenheimer theater joined my USA chant when the bomb worked.
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Dating in your 20s is 90% going on Instagram and seeing someone you dated 4 months ago now has a husband, two kids, and one on the way.
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Did you know: before being a popular t-shirt brand, Nirvana was a band in the 90s?
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A comic I hate has a good day job and I wish them professional success out of spite.
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My girlfriend and I had friends over last night to help us build a bedframe. They didn't do anything but their presence stopped us from fighting too hard.
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Comedy is a lot of pretending to be liberal so you can make enough money to one day become Republican.
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Sensible police reform will also save white lives, but we can’t let that discourage us.
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If Wild ‘n Out continues, it will be considered non-Cannon.
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Disney reopening their parks but not their corporate office screams: “let them eat funnel cake.”
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Unarmed black teenager shot by police
"He had it coming."
Rich white woman tries to hand-murder 101 puppies
"But what drove her to this?"
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Amazon’s entire business model is “bet you’re too lazy to return this.”
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They say you can’t teach old dogs new tricks but Flynn and Manafort are 59 and 68 and just learned to roll over.
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Please let me play him in the miniseries about this.
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I like how they name math courses like an action movie franchise:
Pre-Calculus
Calculus
Calculus 2: Revenge of Calculus
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You know how a single guy with a cute dog can pick up a woman out of his league?
If you own a tiger, you can turn a straight guy gay for you.
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Every time I remember how to spell "guarantee", I forget how to spell "restaurant"
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Funny is funny. You gotta be able to make everyone laugh: Democrat or Republican. Club or alt room. People fluent only in Urdu. Deaf mutes. A trash can full of ovulating raccoons. A comatose man surrounded by his estranged children. Cardboard cutouts of the Los Angeles Sparks.
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Comedians using social media in lieu of stage time the way hobos chug mouthwash when they can’t find booze
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Anyone who thinks drinking disinfectant will help should totally do that.
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The Boys is a scathing satire of how our consumer-crazy, capitalist society is secretly run by untouchable billionaires. Available exclusively on Amazon Video for Amazon Prime members.
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I assume “top” and “bottom” in gay couples refers to their positions when posing as one giant man in a trenchcoat.
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