Michael
@milkingmyoats
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writer | amateur birdwatcher | big sportz guy
Joined April 2009
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the
@LAGalaxy
improve to 2-0-0 this season when i eat an entire large pizza in one sitting.
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after countless early morning and late night meals to get me through college it made perfect sense to take my grad photos at my local
@CarlsJr
⭐️
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girls can't fucking do anything these days without asshats like this criticizing it for no damn reason
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my 95 year old grandmother just tested positive for the virus. she’s probably the toughest (and most precious) woman i know but if you guys could keep her in your prayers that would be great.
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the
@LAGalaxy
are 1-0-0 in el tráfico matches when i eat an entire large pizza in one sitting.
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the city of walnut is such a wild combination of diversity and racism.
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your man crush monday puts "LA" in his social media bios even though he's from west covina.
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i take back the hundreds (not even exaggerating) of mean tweets i sent to justin bieber over the past 2+ years. this album is really good.
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dicks out for paradise pier
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i was buzzed during most of my graduation and apparently i entered a contest to win a free trip to vegas AND TURNS OUT I WON THE CONTEST LMAO.
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imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they put antlers on their car during the holidays.
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me: hi
person who loves drinking IPAs: oh yeah i love drinking IPAs
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my grandma is now symptom-free, eating normal again, etc. and it’s looking good but they’re going to test her again this week to see if she comes back negative!!!
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one year ago today we went on our first date. fast forward and i couldn’t be luckier to have met the sweetest, funniest, silliest, most beautiful girl and best craft cocktail partner ever.
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one of my employees put in her two weeks notice today and gave me a “sorry for your loss” card
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your man crush monday slut shames girls on twitter who dress “like hoes” for halloween but still hits on them at halloween parties.
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so michael what did you learn during your internship at a golf club in the hamptons this summer?
me:
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it’s been a week and my grandma’s symptoms haven’t gotten any worse. just the dry cough and once that goes away she should be good.
i think my grandma is gonna beat COVID-19.
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next week is a huge week for me:
leaving the disney company forever
officially moving out of my parents house
starting my first big boy job
life moves pretty fast!
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my harmonica playing arch-nemesis at work has officially retired tonight after ten years with the company. gonna miss you buddy. ❤
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girl are you splash mountain because we're both wet and that wasn't really worth the 65 minute wait.
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kinda messed up how they award me during the shortest month of the year
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when disneyland has been at capacity all day so you slide in their DMs
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RESULTS ARE IN AND ANDREW RODRIGUEZ HAS BEEN ELECTED TO WALNUT CITY COUNCIL GUYS!!!!!
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your mcm makes way too many high school musical references for a guy...it's me i'm your mcm.
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i drive up to walnut for thanksgiving and this squirrel tries to square up with me 😠
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if couples who break up and get back together four times can celebrate their anniversaries then i’m going to do the same. cheers to three years of working at disneyland.
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my mom and her sisters wore matching hats and bought matching starbucks drinks at disneyland if you need some adorable content to start off your week
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my grandma turns 96 today. she beat COVID-19 and to celebrate here’s a thread of some of her better moments i’ve captured via twitter over the years:
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i saw moana today. so much awesome feminism throughout. pretty much girls kick ass and men ruin everything.
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going to my first ever el tráfico on sunday so y’all better step it up
@LAGalaxy
!!!!
also might be eating a whole large pizza in the parking before the game but we’ll see…
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apparently i’m in the new student orientation video for the hospitality management program at cal poly pomona 😂
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i have a very bittersweet announcement to make:
last night i put in my two weeks at disneyland. my last day will be june 1st. it’s been an absolute privilege being back with everyone but it’s time to move on to bigger and better things after college.
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the actor who plays kevin in the office is a member at this club and he ate lunch at my cafe today!!!!!!!!
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spent ten bucks on parking just to get a flight of IPAs on disney property like the douchebag 28 year old i’ve become
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it’s really exciting seeing the people i care about doing big things with their lives right now.
and to everyone else: your time is coming soon - god’s timing always has a way of working out.
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community kit came in last night as well as an ‘09 donovan authentic 🤤
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when you're on a two hour backstage tour of the tower of terror while on the clock and these thots still keep callin
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these disposable camera photos of my girlfriend and i in the bounce house at her birthday party are more than iconic
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absolutely furious that we made the drive up from san diego last night for this shit.
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walnut buzz has been quite the shit show today. proud of the young people for telling off all the racist clowns in our town.
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me on the phone with vanessa hudgens’ publicist to let her know i’m single and ready to settle down
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if you're into dating bad boys i was almost late to work today because i decided to take a detour to get starbucks beforehand.
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in a few days your boy is going to be a disneyland annual passholder again for the first time in four years!!!!
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hey ladies i just became an executive member at costco if that makes me any more dateable 💅🏼
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AFTER FIVE YEARS MICHAEL HANLON IS FINALLY DONE WITH COMMUNITY COLLEGE!!!!
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one year ago today i conquered the impossible and visited six disney parks in one day
#handsomeproblems
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sex is intimate + sacred. your body is a temple and it shouldn't be shared with anyone who doesn't do the 4 claps in the friends theme song.
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i've easily saved over $2500 in the last year simply by not having a girlfriend.
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i am so wet (sweaty) at dodger stadium right now.
Buehler BRINGS HERNANDEZ HOME with a shot to RIGHT! 5-0 DODGERS!
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i took my graduation photos at carl’s jr this morning and then it all finally clicked as to why i’ve been single for so long.
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what to look for in a girl:
teeth
eyebrows
does she recycle?
knows 9/11 was an inside job
owns beverly hills chihuahua on blu-ray
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"i hate walnut" = "i took ecstasy, got really drunk, and hooked up with some random guy at a kickback and now everyone is judging me."
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i had literally a sip of vodka with cherry limeade and i already feel buzzed I'M 24 YEARS OLD WHY AM I STILL SUCH A LIGHTWEIGHT.
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this duck took a huge shit at the plaza inn and then waddled around the outdoor seating area for an hour like he fucking owns the place.
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these last two nights back at plaza have been so fucking great. this is honestly the happiest i’ve felt since probably late july. i’m finally home again and it feels so good.
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they tore down and rebuilt our local carl's jr so i decided to document it via snapchat
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WAKE UP EVERYBODY BOBBY FLAY IS DRINKING COFFEE AT MY WORK AND WE MADE EYE CONTACT FOR 1.5 SECONDS
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when the cute in-n-out employee (with great eyebrows!!) pays for your meal because she claims to have overcharged you on your last visit...
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one taught me love, one taught me patience, and one taught me pain
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kinda miss that feeling of falling in love but at the same time having money for concerts, vacations, and extra guacamole is indescribable.
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finally upgraded to a queen size bed with the most amazing mattress ever so any ladies looking to come over too bad because i still live with my parents.
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i finally graduated college today and now i’m eating a breakfast burger from carl’s jr at 3 AM so yeah life is good.
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fellas stop sending her dick pics instead send her weekly selfies of you doing a face mask until she falls in love with you.
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so this girl i matched with on hinge was like “oh you’re a restaurant manager does that mean you can cook” and my answer was no and she immediately unmatched me.
dating apps are fun!
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the best songs are songs about being insanely in love and also songs about your ex still being a piece of shit for what he/she did to you.
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your man crush monday replies to other girls’ snap stories with heart eye emojis and “your cute 👀” even though he’s been dating you for six months.
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this sounds lame as hell but i'm really excited about eventually taking my future wife to disney world. it's gonna be the best.
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double fisting riesling and moscato to celebrate having a disneyland pass again
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it’s kind of fitting that most of my social media photos with my dad are at sporting events - happy father’s day to this gringo who surprisingly turned into the biggest mexico fan in our house (he legit cried this morning after the game)
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“you shouldn’t be able to eat while playing a sport, but baseball is so slow that the players do” ugh i love you sophia
Baseball games are perfect dates , thank you very much:
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back in 2010/11 i used to blast baby in my car and replace the word "baby" in the chorus with two syllable names of girls i had crushes on.
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it’s been thirty minutes and i finally stopped crying. we did it. we finally fucking did it.
dodger fans i love you all so much.
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i'm trying to tell my grandma my life story and she keeps falling asleep on me
http://t.co/Wi6F2vsSoi
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honestly how the hell am i supposed to focus this week when beauty and the beast comes out IN FIVE DAYS.
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i had eight drinks at DCA today and that is a new michael hanlon record.
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finally took my mom to see coco and of course we both cried our fucking eyes out but mostly because the kid’s name is miguelito and that’s what my mom used to call me when i was younger.
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