Marissa ๐๐๐๐๐
@michimama75
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
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My parents: do you want to go do this errands with us?
Me, a 43 year old woman: can we get ice cream after?
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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The Pop-Tart being lowered into the toaster was my NYE ball drop.
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
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Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
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I donโt mean to alarm anyone, but I made the exact right amount of spaghetti.
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My body on Thanksgiving: please may I have some water??
Me: best I can do is shotgun 3 deviled eggs and wash it down with homemade gravy
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Me, stirring my coffee with a Twix bar: Why does my stomach hurt?
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I like my chicken tendies the way I like my holy infants- tender and mild.
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You know who else is rizzinโ -youth pastors on Easter Sunday
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Instead of hiding my underwear in shame at the gynecologist, I put it on the door knob so they know Iโm ready.
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A kid at the park asked his brothers if they wanted to listen to music. They asked, do you have a phone? And he said, no I have something from back in the day and I was preparing myself to be offended by whatever he was going to show them and then he started playing a harmonica.
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Once the clothes are in the dryer, whatever is making that clunking noise is none of my business.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who gets startled every time my ice maker drops ice.
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Then she looked at me and askedโฆwhat about boys? Do they get this too? I reluctantly told her no, NOTHING happens to them and she was LIVID. Also the correct response.
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My parents have a new tv and I cannot figure out how to use it. Iโve become them.
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Iโm not saying Iโm scared of my 8 year old, but she told me Scar โonly killed one person so heโs not that badโ and then when I pointed out that it was his brother, she shrugged.
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My kid wouldnโt stop talking so I slowly pulled my head into my hoodie and tied it closed and her confused silence bought me 3 minutes of quiet. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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When I empty my daughterโs pockets before doing her laundry.
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Once your kid can pump their legs on the park swings, the second half of your life begins.
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I made the rookie mistake of trying to vent about my toddler on Instagram and got flooded with messages like โsheโs just a little girl with big emotionsโ and โjust be patientโ. Yeah I know all of that Karen, but sometimes being a mom is hard and just flat out sucks.
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Signed 5 out of school early for an appointment and saw another mom signed her kid in late and the reason was โMondayโ so Iโm on a quest to find her and force her to be my friend.
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Walking to my parked car, 2nd spot from the front, a lady beeped at me to hurry out of the space so she could take it.
So I let the 3 year old practice buckling herself in.
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I donโt know who needs to hear this, but if you havenโt opened your kids backpack since the end of last school year, just throw the whole thing away.
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No one in my family takes me seriously when I ask them how many potato courses there will be at Thanksgiving.
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Being the introverted mom of an extroverted child is a literal nightmare.
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If youโre a mom and not rage cleaning your house so you can โrelaxโ tomorrow, is it even the Saturday before Motherโs Day?
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The lady at the Burger King drive-thru window asked me if I wanted a crown with my order and I said yes. When she handed it to me, I started to cry.
Iโm fine. Why do you ask?
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Iโm just going to say itโฆ Thereโs too many kinds of lightbulbs.
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Asked my husband to help me unload the dishwasher and he said itโs the second time today heโs unloaded the dishwasher so I need you guys to help me figure out the parade route and also if itโs possible for him to be knighted.
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My mom asked what I wanted for my birthday in a few weeks and I told her Iโd like her to take me to Costco and buy me household items in bulk. Donโt tell me I donโt know how to dream big.
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My car keys werenโt in their usual spot so I did what any rational person would do and dragged my kitchen trash bag out to the car to see if it would unlock instead of checking for them in my purse, which was where they were.
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I think blocking all of the bra ads only makes them grow more powerful.
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My dad said he was going to Costco for a pizza and asked if I needed anything and I said a kayak.
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Saw a post on my cityโs FB page about pickle ball, scrapbooking and learning euchre and I thought, hell yes! Where is that?!
The senior center. Itโs for the seniors.
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
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@DROOPSmadeit
Because I donโt want people to know her name and sheโs 7 years old. staple of parent Twitter
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6 told me her day was fine at school. The highlight seemed to be she had Cheetos for a snack.
Then I get a message on the class app full of pictures of her and her classmates holding a snakeโฆa turtleโฆ a slothโฆ a giant toad and a chinchilla.
Way to bury the lead.
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5: today in school, we talked about what to do if you have anxiety
Me, grabbing a note pad and pen: go on
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The walk of shame except itโs me at a bowling alley walking back to sit down after I knock down zero pins with bumpers.
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Ice cream out of a mini baseball helmet is my favorite food group.
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Since I refuse, 5 was wondering if anyone would like to play โhammersโ with her. She has a hammer and you run. So anyway, let me know.
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Toddler: Fucking sink!
Me:.... what honey?
T: Fucking sink!!
Me: ...๐ณ
T: FUCKING SINK!
Me: OHHH!! Fork in sink! Yes, please put your fork in the sink.
Toddler language is fun.
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV
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Before my kid entered the room she saidโฆI have a surprise for youโฆITโS ME!!! And thatโs how Iโll be entering all rooms from now on.
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between โIโd die for my kidโ and โI know why some animals eat their youngโ.
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God grant me the audacity of my 5 year old walking out of the kitchen eating an ice cream sandwich and then asking me if she can have it.
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According to the bake time on these cinnamon rolls, I only have 23 minutes to workout.
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Itโs getting disrespectful how far I have to scroll to find my birth year.
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Me: would you like a treat from Starbucks?
My boujee 5 year old: just get me my usual
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โIntegrity is what you do when no one is watching,โ I whisper to myself as I eat a piece of banana bread off the floor.
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The clerk at Rite-Aid asked if I ever put Elmerโs glue on my hand and peeled it off as a kid.
This is the type of checkout small talk I can get behind.
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โHoe eraโ I whisper to myself as I get out my gardening tools
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โThis place has the hot dogs,โ my kid said in the hushed tones of someone entering a grand cathedral except it was CostCo on a Sunday
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Me, still in jeans after 6pm: God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
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The real hero this holiday season is my three year old who has told my MIL to be quiet several times.
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I put on a yoga video for 5.
She sat down to watch it with a bowl of Lucky Charms.
I asked her, โarenโt you going to do the video?โ
She replied, โshe doesnโt know Iโm not doing it.โ
So now sheโs my fitness instructor.
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Warning! Warning! The Amazon Toy Holiday Wish Book arrived at the house today! Itโs too late for me but SAVE YOURSELF!!!
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*me, literally putting dinner on the table*
5: can I have a snack?
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Taught 8 how to mop the kitchen floor and most importantly, to say NO ONE GO IN THE KITCHEN. I JUST MOPPED AND YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH IF I SEE ONE FOOTPRINT ON MY FRESHLY CLEANED FLOORS.
Let the circle be unbroken.
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Yelling โUNSUBSCRIBEโ at your kid doesnโt work as well as you would think.
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Itโs August. Which means itโs practically September. Which is almost October. So Happy Halloween, everyone!
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Me: good night, sweetheart. Youโre so strong and brave and beautiful.
6, whispering to herself: those are all facts,
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Pour myself a cup of ambition? Best I can do is ambivalence.
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6: I donโt want cereal
Me: this is for me
6: can I have a bite?
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FFS people, itโs a tweet about a child learning sheโs going to bleed every month for decades. Regardless of why, thatโs jarring! You have no clue what the rest of the conversation looked like. Calm down.
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Iโm in my prime! (I turned 43 today)
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Can you stop talking, mom? I want to go to bed.
- 5 as Iโm answering a question SHE ASKED ME
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A 20 minute core workout is enough to offset 72 hours of non-stop eating and drinking, right? RIGHT?!
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He called me hot!
A hot mess, but it still counts.
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When I call my daughter beautiful, I also call her strong & smart & brave & kind because I donโt want her growing up thinking looks are everything. But I also want to convey that she is, in fact, beautiful. No I donโt have anxiety about raising my daughter, WHY DO YOU ASK?!?
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A 19 year old at the post office asked me if this is where she buys stamps so I donโt want to hear another word about my side part and leggings.
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The most unbelievable part of Elf is that there are showers available in a department store.
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Every time I tell my daughter Iโm going for a run she tells me โdonโt pass outโ and honestly, thatโs really the best I can hope for.
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Itโs a short drive to 5โs school but she always asks me lifeโs most important questions.
Today she asked, โwhen Iโm 20, can I say โfriggin assholeโ?โ
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The life cycle of a Toddler:
1. Toddler wants mac and cheese.
2. Mom goes to the store because we are out of it.
3. Toddler hugs boxes.
4. Toddler talks non-stop about m&c for well over 2 hours.
5. Mom makes m&c.
6. Toddler throws tantrum and refuses m&c.
7. Repeat forever
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Before I had a toddler, I had no idea there was a wrong way to eat imaginary food.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WHEN 4 CALLS POPCORN โCOP PORNโ?!
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My second graderโs homework has me questioning if I passed second grade.
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No one:
7: If I went to school with Voldemort, Iโd call him Moldy Wart just to make him mad
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5 graduates kindergarten today and Iโm SO PROUDโฆthat I successfully managed to avoid making any new mom friends the entire year.
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My goal for today is to be 60% pasta salad and 40% vodka based drinks. Or maybe the other way around.
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Heard Everlong by Foo Fighters on the classic rock station so R.I.P. to me.
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Pretty sure my sister and I have been passing the same two $50 bills back and forth for the last 15 Christmases.
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I Was Supposed to Take a Shower And Ended Up Cleaning the Bathroom: A Memoir.
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5, in her play room: son of a bitch!
Me: donโt say that please
5, whispering: โฆshe heard me. son of a bitch.
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My red flag is if I say Iโm going upstairs for a minute, Iโm definitely going to take a nap.
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Sometimes I feel much younger than a woman in her late 30โs and then I describe my 2 year olds wild curly hair as โGene Wilder likeโ and am met with blank stares from the younger moms in my parenting group.
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At this point, Iโm more KitKat than woman.
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6: Iโm so full
Me: do you want a cupcake?
6: yes.
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My mom slept with a nature sound app on her phone last night.
We are camping.
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4 year olds really apologize like โIโm sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.โ
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5 is in her candy corn pajamas, eating popcorn, sipping apple cider and watching Hocus Pocus if anyone is looking for a life coach.
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The parenting books didnโt warn me that one day my 4 year old would ask me for, and I quote โa popsicle, but not a cold oneโ.
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A balanced breakfast when youโre in your 40โs is a coffee in one hand and your pain reliever of choice in the other.
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My kid said itโs too hard to be nice and so she was wondering if she gets any Christmas presents for being funny and now Iโm wondering the same thing for myself.
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